• Tue. Dec 5th, 2023

39 pieces of scientific parenting knowledge to be a better mother and a better self

Some ways to communicate with your children 1. If your child makes a big fuss in the library, you may say to him in a hurry: \”You can\’t make noises here. If you keep making noises, your aunt will take you away.\” But it\’s useless no matter what you say. . In fact, we can say: \”There is an agreement in the library to speak quietly so that everyone can read quietly. Do you want to join?\” Changing the rules into an agreement can lead to more effective parent-child communication. 2. The child fell down and cried loudly on the ground. You may say, \”It\’s okay, it doesn\’t hurt anymore.\” The child cried even harder. In fact, we can say: \”You must be in pain!\” This will make him feel that you are sharing his pain. Only by affirming the child\’s negative feelings can he or she grow positively. 3. Your child is very nervous about going on stage to perform. You may say: \”What\’s so important about this? Be brave!\”, and he or she may be even more nervous. In fact, we can say: \”I will be nervous even if it\’s my first time. Come on, think about it.\” What do you do when you are nervous?\” Maybe he or she will develop several ways to relax. Sometimes, as long as we \”see\” them, they will move forward on their own. 4. The child is unwilling to go home as soon as he starts playing. In order to urge him, you may say sternly: \”The time is up, you must go home!\” But it is useless to say it several times. In fact, we can say while walking: \”It\’s time, I\’m going home.\” Maybe he will take the initiative to follow you. Starting with \”I\” turns invalid instructions into effective actions. 5. It is snowing heavily outside, and the children think that big trees are also afraid of the cold, and want to help them put on clothes. You may say to them with a smile, \”You don\’t understand, big trees don\’t need to wear clothes.\” In fact, we can say: \” Well, you\’re great, so what do you want to do next?\” Only by refusing condescending denial can children think better. 6. If your child wants to put the doll in the refrigerator to keep it fresh, you may be very angry: \”Why are you so messed up? You can\’t put the doll in the refrigerator!\” He or she may not listen. In fact, we can say: \”I don\’t think it\’s useful, but you can give it a try.\” Seeing the world from a child\’s perspective is more equal communication. 7. When two children are fighting over a toy, you may say to the child: \”Why do you always get into trouble? What\’s wrong with giving it to him to play with?\” In fact, we can say: \”I like your courage, but is there a way to let the other party get away from it?\” The children are happy and don’t have to fight?” Only by seeing the good side of the child can we see more possibilities for the child. 8. If your child is laughed at at school, you may say to him: \”How come, no one is laughing at you.\” In fact, we can say: \”You feel like they are laughing at you, then you must be feeling very uncomfortable.\” Children need What matters is to be seen, not to be praised. 9. I want to set rules for my child, teach him to be polite to others, and say please and thank you when asking for help. But children always ask: \”Why?\” When you are tired of being asked, you will say, \”Where are there so many and why!\” In fact, we can say: \”This is a way of saying that people agree on. When a person says this, it means that he is really grateful, and others will be happy. You will be more willing to help him. Do you want others to help you more?\” When a child is willing to comply with an agreement, he will follow the rules in an autonomous way. 10. Your child always remains silent or even hides when meeting strangers. You think he or she is too introverted, and you may be anxious: \”You are so introverted, what will you do if this continues?\” In fact, we can say: \”I found that you are too introverted. People speak very loudly, but they are very quiet with people they don’t know well.” Use exception communication to see different possibilities, and you can create a different reality. 11. Mom said: \”You should learn English well, English is very important.\” If the child does not study well, he will resist and say: \”I don\’t think English is important.\” In fact, we can say: \”Oh, mom\’s own experience feels that English is very important.\” If you\’re not good, you won\’t be able to find a good job. But I don\’t know what will happen to you. You can give it a try, and maybe you can find a job in the future.\” Let go of the narcissism of parents and let their children use the real world to test their opinions. Wrong, rather than relying solely on the language of parents. 12. If your child watches TV for too long, you will say: \”Stop watching it.\” But if you just say it a few times without taking any action, the child will feel, \”If I continue watching, my mother will not do anything to me.\” In fact, we can say nothing and turn off the TV when the specified time is up. Show your rejection with actions, not just words. Some ways to make the relationship more intimate: 1. Your husband comes home later than you every time and socializes at every turn. You may feel that he doesn\’t care about the family, so you often scold him. But the truth may be: behind every complaint you make, there is the sentence \”can you stay with me more\” that you haven\’t said out loud. Behind every complaint in marriage, there is a \”truth\”. 2. The most frustrating thing when you are arguing is that you are so angry that you explode, but he just doesn\’t say a word. You may think that he doesn\’t care about you. But in fact, his subtext may be: \”I am also scared and don\’t know what to do.\” But you didn\’t hear it. Dependence and fear of intimacy keep us close to each other, hurting each other, and cherishing each other. 3. If your loved one is feeling particularly depressed recently, you may think that reasoning with him, finding ways to help him, and comforting him will make him feel better. But in fact, maybe what he wants most is to mourn with you for a while. The farthest distance in the world is your truth and my feelings. Companionship is not about extending a hand at the mouth of the well, it is about jumping into the well and sharing the responsibility. 4. Many couples who have been married for more than 3 years have a very dull life. Your attitude in the past may have been: We are an old married couple, so we just live together. But the truth may be: you have always longed for romance, but you are just afraid that he will let you down. By removing labels, we have the opportunity to see more truth. And those truths are the intimacy that should exist between people. 5. After two people quarreled until their faces turned red, they slept back to back without even wanting to touch each other. In the past, you may have felt that the louder the issue, the less likely it should be brought up again in the future. But the truth may be: the more serious the injury, the more it needs to be discussed, otherwise the minefields between you will only increase. Real relationships cannot make people 100% comfortable. Conflict is not necessarily a bad thing; it is often an opportunity for relationship change. 6. In the past, you may have thought that the more mature an adult is, the stronger he should be, and the invulnerable person is the most powerful. So you make both yourself and the other party automaticPut on a hard shell. The relationship becomes more distant. But the truth is: loving someone means you have a weakness, and exposing your vulnerability is the most effective way to nourish a marriage. A truly mature relationship is when we decide to go together and take responsibility for our relationship together. 7. During the quarrel, both of them are angry and at war with each other. You may think that only when the other party bows his head and admits his mistake can things end. But the truth may be that as long as someone acts cute, nothing will happen. Sometimes, solving the mood solves the problem. 8. You have been very busy with work/life recently and don’t want to do anything when you get home, but your lover shows no sign of it at all. You may feel that your partner does not understand you at all. But the truth may be: he sees all your hard work, he just doesn\’t know how to say it. Many times our communication with others gets stuck in one place because we did not open our relational ears when listening and missed information at the relational level. Some ways to cultivate children\’s abilities 1. When you see your child struggling to tie buttons, you can\’t help but go up and help. But the truth may be that he is practicing controlling his fingers, just like a bird trying to escape from an egg shell. Understand the development of your child\’s abilities and \”help\” him by \”not helping\”. 2. Your child doesn’t want to go to kindergarten and cries incessantly. You think you can just let him adapt to separation anxiety and cry for a few days and then everything will be fine. But in fact, using drama therapy to play a small game with him or her that he doesn’t want to go to school can alleviate his or her confrontational emotions and increase intimacy, which can help the child become independent earlier. By learning to use more methods other than preaching, we can become relaxed mothers who know how to use skills. 3. When your child fights with others, your friend may advise you: \”Children are like this, just grow up.\” But the truth may be: \”Don\’t care\” about small things will weaken his sense of boundaries and make him unable to judge. What to do and what not to do. Allowing children to establish a sense of boundaries from an early age will help them far more than just distinguishing between you and me. 4. The child likes to play with water very much and leaves it all over the floor. You will immediately stop: \”What\’s so fun about water? It\’s all over the place, come down!\” But the truth may be that \”playfulness\” is germinating in him. Our blocking is exactly cutting off his playfulness. grow. Children\’s abilities often sprout in places we can\’t see. As parents, we should help our children become the king of their own world, but sometimes we can\’t help but become his king. Source: \”Cultivating Children\’s 10 Core Competencies for the Future\” 5. When a child cries incessantly, the most common way for most mothers is to pat him on the back, thinking that this is comforting him. But the truth may be that the baby who has just come into the world is like falling to the ground from a space capsule. Only gentle caressing can make him feel more secure with his mother. By understanding the rhythm of your child\’s physical development, you can more accurately establish an intimate relationship with a little change in posture. 6. If your child cries and refuses to brush his teeth before going to bed, you may think that your child is too disobedient. But the truth may be that we chasing him around are the \”mom playtime\” he has been waiting for all day. Behind every \”bad\” habit, there is another truth. What children really need may not be to take them from thereIt’s up to the parents to drag themselves out of this world. 7. I want to supplement my child’s nutrition, but she won’t eat this or that. You may be anxious: \”What should I do if my child is picky?\” But the truth may be that the child is resisting being arranged, rather than really hating what he eats. The key to parenting is to change the parents’ self-righteousness. 8. If your child makes a mistake and lies and is caught by you, you may ask angrily: \”Why lie?\” But the truth may be that asking \”why\” will give you another excuse, and asking \”what are you afraid of\” can reveal the true meaning of the lie? reason. The most important thing about education is not to teach a person what to learn, but to let him discover what he wants and what he doesn\’t want. 9. Your children always give up half way through interest classes. You may still be the same after all kinds of coercion and inducement. But the truth may be: Your children are attending interest classes for your expectations. Give them the right to choose interest classes, and your children will persist better. Getting rid of mother\’s expectations is a theme in children\’s lives. 10. Your child always confronts you. If you tell him not to run around, he will run around. If you want him to stop, you may yell: \”Stop running!\” But the truth may be that he can\’t tell whether your \”no permission\” is true or false. Give him a chance to confront you, and maybe he won\’t be so resistant. The starting point of education is to first acknowledge that we have no control over our children\’s development. The starting point for communicating with children is to treat children as \”people\”. Some ways to \”become a better self\” 1. In the past, you may have thought that you just need to persist in doing things like fitness, weight loss, reading and studying, but it is difficult to persist. But the truth may be: true persistence requires no effort. Think about what you can do, you may not actually be able to do it, but this attitude will make the world a slightly better place. 2. In the past, you may have thought that as long as you work hard, you can work high-spirited, live relaxedly, and live in harmony with others. But the truth may be: you must first admit your own powerlessness, and powerlessness is the most powerful. There are things you can do, then do them and leave the rest to chance. 3. You may think that the truth is far more important than your thoughts. If I don’t like a person, I just don’t like it. It’s not something I can do if I want it to be done. The reality cannot be changed. But the truth may be: your thoughts can influence and even determine reality. The world is always full of uncertainty. Sometimes it treats us well and sometimes it is cruel to us. The only way to deal with it is to strive to improve our inner certainty. 4. You work on the front line at two o\’clock every day, work eighty or ninety hours, and do housework for three, four, five hours. You may feel that you don\’t actually know what you are really interested in. But the truth may be: You didn’t expect that you could still ask yourself, what have you done to block your interests? Let go of the blocked areas, and the spring of interest will emerge. 5. The hundreds of thousands of mortgages and car loans make you feel so stressed. It feels like you are carrying a mountain every day. You feel that life is so heavy that you can hardly breathe. But the truth may be: these heavies are because you are paying for the future, and what you need most is to live well in the present. Being strong is not about controlling everything. Being strong is knowing clearly that everything I do is what I have to do.Don\’t feel wronged or complain. 6. Others say that you are selfish, have a bad temper, and are difficult to get along with… There are many negative comments that you will not be able to forget for a long time. You will think of them every once in a while, and you will find it painful to be criticized. But the truth is: the pain actually comes from the repeated recurrence of your thoughts. A lifestyle that only cares about \”what others think\” is a self-centered lifestyle that only cares about \”me\”. Get rid of it! 7. Is my boss dissatisfied with me? My partner seems to be angry with me… The more you think about it, the more you feel that these are true, and you may even find evidence to prove this point of view. But the truth may be: they are just thoughts passing through your mind that you just can’t let go. It is often difficult for us to realize that thoughts are not facts. 8. It’s so painful to work overtime, and it’s so painful to pay off the mortgage. Thinking of these will give you a headache, and you feel that you are particularly afraid of pain. But the truth may be that what you are afraid of is the pain caused by repeated thinking and chewing pain. This is the terrible addiction to thinking. There are two kinds of pain in life, one is the pain of hard work and the other is the pain of regret, and the latter is a thousand times greater than the former. 9. You want to buy a car this year, save enough for a down payment within three years, and save enough money for your children to go to an international school… You keep staring at these goals all the time, and you don\’t dare to forget them even when you sleep. You feel that your goals can only be achieved if you hold on tightly. But the truth may be: the tighter you hold it, the easier it is to miss it, but the easier it is to hold it in your hand, the longer it will last. The most efficient way to achieve your goals is to go with ease.

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