• Tue. Dec 5th, 2023

6 critical periods of children’s growth, parents must learn to withdraw


Oct 1, 2023

I saw a public service announcement on Weibo called \”The First Day of School.\” The girl had just entered first grade and wanted her mother to accompany her, but she kept crying and refused to leave. The mother said: \”I can\’t go with you. You promised me not to cry when I enter the first grade.\” \”Don\’t be afraid, you can go alone.\” The mother was very reluctant to let go of her daughter, but she had to let go of her daughter\’s hand. Let her go to school alone. This scene is particularly heartbreaking to watch. Some netizens said: Children will grow up one day, and this is just the beginning. Only when parents quit once can children grow up. Yes, children are destined to be separated from their parents from the moment they are born. Every time a parent withdraws, it is a \”last resort\”, but it is the only way to go. Children always grow up in places we can\’t see. Parent-child writer Yin Jianli said this in \”Free Children Are Most Conscious\”: Maternal love is not the eternal possession of the child, but a graceful withdrawal; the first task of maternal love is to be close to the child and protect the child\’s growth. The second task of maternal love is to separate from the child and promote the child\’s independence. Only the withdrawal of parents can give children the meaning of growth. Especially during the six critical periods of a child\’s growth, every parent\’s \”exit\” is a \”transformation\” for the child. The first exit: Accepting your child to say \”no\” Children will enter the first \”rebellious period\” in their lives when they are two to three years old. At this time, the child\’s \”self-awareness\” sprouts, and he begins to understand that he and his parents are two separate people, and subconsciously he does not want to be dominated by his parents. \”Capturing Children\’s Sensitive Period\” mentioned: From the age of 2, when children find themselves separated from the world, they become surprisingly self-centered. At this time, children\’s rebellion is more about \”fighting for power\” for themselves: they are unwilling to accept their opinions and arrangements, and always like to talk about \”no\”; they are very independent, have their own ideas and stubbornness, and always Love and parents \”go against each other\”… All signs of children indicate that they want to demonstrate their self-worth through \”their own abilities\”. I remember that when my son was two or three years old, he had to eat by himself. There was a time when he thought he was eating too slowly, so I wanted to feed him, but he would knock over his rice bowl every time. Children will continue to prove their abilities and worth through growth. Parents are reluctant to let go of their children. They seem to take good care of their children, but in fact they easily make their children incompetent, dependent, and selfish. From the perspective of children\’s psychological development, children\’s self-awareness is the entry point to independence. At this time, parents should \”exit\” and just be a bystander. Let your children eat, dress, choose their own toys, and do what they want. If you have a bigger heart and more respect, your children will have autonomy. 10 must-see movies for children. Recommendations for 10 excellent movies that can help children grow. The second exit: Don’t interfere with children’s friendships. When children are 4-6 years old, they will enter the “sensitive period of interpersonal communication.” Children at this time will enter a small social circle, no longer centered on their parents, and will try to interact with others. At this time, the key to children\’s socialization lies in \”initiative and willingness\”. Children\’s awareness of sharing will become stronger and they can be used to maintain the stickiness of interpersonal relationships. However, in order to help their children establish a good circle of friends, many parents willOften interferes with children\’s friendships. I once saw a story: A boy who just entered elementary school was asked by his parents to change seats seven times in one semester. His parents said that his classmates were \”naughty,\” \”not paying attention to class,\” and \”liked to copy their son\’s homework.\” Gradually, the child had no friends in the class, and no one even invited his classmates to birthday parties. Come. The boy said to his mother: \”Because you always ask the teacher to change my deskmate, I don\’t have a single good friend now.\” A child\’s childhood is not only a world between parents and children, but also a world of peers. Inner joy. Some child psychology experts said this: If we want children to develop the sensitive period of interpersonal communication well, what we have to do is to give children space and let them handle things on their own. We will not intervene until the children send us the signal they need. When it comes to making friends with their children, parents should adhere to the principle of \”step back\” and \”push them forward\”. Be a companion who sees more, listens more, and asks more questions, and let your children develop friendships on their own. The third exit: leaving the child\’s \”private space\” A girl talked to a 28-year-old boyfriend. Because she was a single-parent family, her boyfriend had been living with her mother. One day, while the girl was videotaping with her boyfriend, she found her mother sleeping on his bed and asked him what was going on. The boyfriend said: \”My mother felt it was too cold and didn\’t want to waste electricity, so she slept on the same bed.\” Starting from the age of five or six, parents must slowly withdraw from their children\’s private space, which is the boundary between parent and child. sense, in order to complete the \”sexual awareness education\” of children. Obviously the mother has no such awareness. From the perspective of child development, children will have gender awareness when they are about three years old. By the age of seven, their gender awareness has matured, and they already have a sense of gender boundaries. Before the child is 6 years old, parents should do two things: Exit the bedroom: When the child is 5 years old, his mind has matured and his sexual psychology has also been developed. Parents should let the child sleep alone as early as possible to cultivate the child\’s sense of independence and reduce The child\’s sense of dependence. Exit the bathroom: 0-6 years old is a critical period for children\’s sex education. For children before 3 years old, parent-child bathing together can increase the stickiness with the child. However, when the child reaches the age of 6 and matures in gender awareness, parents must consciously avoid bathing their children and guide them to protect their private parts. Only when parents withdraw from their children\’s private space as early as possible can they understand that \”the body is their own, and so is their privacy.\” Only by taking precautions in advance can you avoid getting hurt. The fourth exit: Respect children’s privacy. Psychological research shows that 7 years old is the age when children like to be alone. However, many families do not give their children enough time to be alone. Many parents like to treat their children as subordinates and believe that children have no privacy. They often use reasons such as \”You are mine, what else can I not see?\” and other reasons to pry into their children\’s privacy. Writer Liu Yong said: Every child has his own secret world, and they will be on tenterhooks, fearing that someone will break in at any time. This kind of subconscious harm is likely to affect the child\’s life. No matter how good the parent-child relationship is, there must be \”boundaries\” between each other. It is a principle not to step into each other\’s space. The movie \”Send YouThere is such a scene in \”A Little Red Flower\”. The boy Wei Yihang was watching the live broadcast in his room. When his mother opened the door and entered, his first reaction was to turn off the computer. The two of them stared at each other for a while, and then their mother said apologetically: \”I blame me, I forgot to knock on the door, please take a look.\” After saying this, Wei Yihang\’s embarrassment slowly eased. When my mother left the room, she said: \”Mom, you must remember to knock on the door first next time. You take your time and look.\” Children who are respected will learn to respect others. British psychologists believe that from infancy, children have their own privacy, which is a key factor in developing children\’s independent personality. Especially when children are 6 or 7 years old, they prefer to stay in a space alone. At this time, parents should withdraw from their children\’s private space. You are not allowed and will never \”break in\” into your child\’s world. The more you respect your children, the more willing your children will be to get close to and trust you, and only then will the mutually perfect parent-child relationship be sticky. The fifth exit: Parents should be \”lazy\” in housework. A mother once raised this question: I have a daughter, if I teach her to do housework now, will it be easier for my husband\’s family in the future? At that time, a mother immediately refuted her: Teaching children to do housework from an early age is not to make them please anyone, but to equip them with the basic skills to survive independently in the world no matter what happens in the future. The original intention of letting children work is to convey to them a sense of dedication, and what they gain is responsibility and responsibility. However, many parents are unwilling to let their children endure hardship and take care of their children in every detail. As everyone knows, such \”pampering\” cannot cultivate outstanding children, and may also turn children into \”imbecile\”. Tim Seldin, Chairman of the Montessori Foundation, once commented on the importance of housework: Teaching children to do things by themselves, whether it is washing, dressing, preparing snacks or pouring drinks, can help children move towards independence. Children are cultivating When you gain a considerable degree of independence, you also establish good working habits, self-discipline, self-respect and a sense of responsibility that will last a lifetime. Only when children are needed and given can they feel their own value, thus stimulating their inner sense of responsibility. Elizabeth, an American parenting expert, once made an \”Age Chart for Children to Do Housework\”: 3-4 years old, brush their teeth and water the flowers and plants; 5-6 years old, wipe the table and clean the room; 6-7 years old, do it with their parents Wash dishes with help; ages 7-12, simply cook meals, do laundry, and put trash in the trash can. 13 years old and above can cook, use washing machine, etc. Don\’t wait until your children need it before letting go. Only by teaching your children to give can they understand the meaning of gain. 52 compulsory lessons for Chinese parents during the critical period of children\’s growth mp3 The sixth exit: Let go and give children the right to choose. Someone asked on Zhihu: What kind of children are more likely to be cultivated into excellent children? A highly praised answer said: Happy and independent children are the easiest to achieve their goals. Give children full respect and self-determination space, so as to achieve excellence in the worldly sense. Parents are the guides on their children\’s life, not the decision-makers. The three rights that children need when growing up are \”the right to choose, the right to trial and error, and the right to try.\” It contains three levels of meaning: finding your own mistakes in your choices; establishing your own success in your choices.Be assertive; put more trust in your parents amid uncertainties. Many parents do not understand these meanings and always want to \”manipulate their children.\” In the end, the children either rely on their parents or become \”weak children\” without independent opinions. Good parents must let their children make their own decisions on small matters and help and give advice on big matters. The right to choose with respect as the core is the biggest winner in children\’s growth. Xu Jiawu, the top scorer in the college entrance examination in 2019, once said frankly that looking back, his success is inseparable from the support of his parents. He was once a master of Go and won the championship twice in a row. A friend once advised his father to train his child to become a professional player, but the father believed that becoming a world champion is not an easy task and will put a burden on the child, so the child\’s ideas should be followed. All love given to children can be accomplished based on mutual respect. Children\’s lives are independent, and parents\’ right to withdraw from their children\’s choices is the \”shortcut\” for children to succeed. The poet Gore said: You can give your children everything, but you cannot give them life experiences, joys, sorrows, successes and setbacks. Without experiencing these, he would have no sense of gain in life. Children need to constantly experience the \”sour, sweet, bitter and spicy\” life in order to interpret the meaning of life. Education is a grand farewell. Parents are not the whole life of a child. We can only do our best: neither let the child feel barren when growing up, nor let the child be suffocated by love. Only by giving your child space can he spread his wings and fly; only by knowing how to advance and retreat can he be successful. Deeply penetrate love into the child\’s heart and let the child release his own life.

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