A psychological counselor friend told such a case: a 5-year-old girl did not want to talk to her parents, but often talked to herself in front of a stuffed teddy bear. The parents thought their child was suffering from depression and were so anxious that they sought medical treatment everywhere. After multiple psychological treatments, the girl said something that made her parents burst into tears: \”Because the toy won\’t scold me.\” It turned out that the girl\’s mother was impatient and often said to her child unintentionally: \”Don\’t make trouble…\” \” Why are you crying?\” \”Why are you so stupid?\” The mother\’s desperate mantras turned into severe scoldings in the children\’s hearts. In order not to make her mother anxious and angry, she began to distance herself from her mother, did not talk to her mother, and was unwilling to interact with other people. She often hid in her room alone and talked to the teddy bear. After the mother found out what was going on, she told her daughter in tears that she would definitely change these words. We obviously love our children so much, but we ignore those mantras that are said unintentionally. They are like knives, scratching deep scars on the young hearts of children. There is a saying in \”Super Speaker\”: You are full of love, but your face is ferocious. A child psychologist said: Good parents have a zipper in their mouths and never talk to their children as they please. Are the following five types of mantras familiar to you? Just listen to me…it won\’t work if I say no! Go to bed/do your homework, go now! 1-Control children. These words are overbearing and authoritarian and do not allow children to have objections and their own thinking. Over time, you will either get a child who is equally domineering and authoritarian, or you will get a child who is introverted, cowardly, and whose social skills are at the bottom. Image source: \”The Pledge\” The education philosophy of the parents of Peking University scholar Wang Meng is \”obedience\”. For 30 years, Wang Meng was not allowed to have his own opinions on what clothes to wear, which school to go to, who to associate with, etc., so that the \”controlled\” Wang Meng developed serious social barriers and psychological problems, and finally he went crazy. , ruthlessly blocked his parents for 6 years. The tight and airtight love between parents and children can sometimes be the sword that hurts the children. Why should parents be lazy and give their children a chance to make their own decisions? Why are you crying/Don’t cry! (Negative Emotion) What’s so scary about this? (Negative feelings) Don’t make trouble for me… (Negative abilities) Look at others… (Negative efforts) 2-Ny the child. Constantly denying the child is a terrible psychological control. Children rely on the evaluation of people around them to build their own self-confidence, self-esteem and sense of worth. A child who is not allowed to cry, lose his temper, or fail will severely suppress himself and release his inner pressure through some abnormal means. For example, some children have violent tempers, like to wear strange clothes, and like to bite their nails. Most of them are because they are often denied, so they have to use these methods to attract attention or relieve stress. Children who are often denied when they are young will struggle to seek approval from others throughout their lives. Image source: \”The Damage of Verbal Violence\” You are so stupid! How come you don’t even know how to do this? See, I told you a long time ago… 3- scolding children. Children who are often scolded by their parents will have their self-esteem dampened. They will really feel that they are stupid, can\’t do anything well, and are not willing to try any challenges. They are rebellious. Psychologically serious. Get to know someone with a great personalityHis introverted 13-year-old boy has been taken to major hospitals by his parents all year round for treatment of a problem that he cannot talk about – bed-wetting. After years of unsuccessful treatment, a psychiatrist cured him. It turned out that since he wet the bed for the first time when he was 4 years old, his parents had scolded and humiliated him, and once even beat him in front of the neighbors in front of the wet sheets. Humiliation and pressure have given rise to strong psychological load and repeated behaviors, and have also seriously affected the healthy development of character, which is regrettable. Many physical diseases in children may have their roots in the heart. If it weren\’t for you, I wouldn\’t be so tired. If it weren\’t for you, we would have divorced a long time ago. If you had been obedient, our family wouldn\’t have… It\’s all your fault… 4- Complaining about children Raising children is indeed very energy-consuming and mental, and no one can There is no guarantee that you will be pleasant to your children every day. However, no matter how busy, tired or full of negative emotions it is, it is best not to transfer your emotions to your children, let alone let your children bear the burden of self-blame, guilt and guilt. Otherwise, it will only make children keep suppressing themselves, please their parents, and live their lives fearfully looking at their parents\’ faces. How cruel is that? There is a child who gets sick every time his parents quarrel. Busy taking care of his parents, he forgot about their conflicts. It turns out that the child accidentally discovered that being sick can stop his parents\’ quarrels and prevent him from being angry, so he started to pretend to be sick. Unfortunately, pretending to be ill eventually turns into a real illness, and psychological cues cause regular misunderstandings in the body. Picture source: \”The Four Hundred Blows\” If you don\’t obey me again, I won\’t let you go! If you do this again, mom will be angry/dislike you! I counted to 3…5 – threatening the child. A mother complained to me: \”I really wish my child had a switch that would stop crying, making trouble, and annoying people when pressed.\” That can only be a robot, not us. Energetic, lively children. A child\’s lifelong happiness comes from the sense of security given by his parents, and the prerequisite for establishing it is unconditional love and acceptance. If you behave well, your parents will be smiling; if you behave badly, they will be cold and frosty. The child will panic: If I am good, I will be loved; if I am not good, I will be abandoned. Panic can wreak havoc on a sense of security. Image source: \”Little Naughty Nicholas\” Famous psychological expert Marshall Luxemburg said that maybe we do not think that the way we talk is violent, but language does often cause pain to ourselves and others. We hope that our children will be full of talents and fly high, but many times we use these mantras to ridicule, attack, and frustrate them unconsciously. There is really no more contradictory person in the world than parents. Someone asked on Zhihu: What is it like to be scolded by your parents so much that you want to commit suicide? Here’s an answer: When I was so sad that I cried until I collapsed, my parents looked at me and said, “Why are you so crazy?” You can imagine the despair in my heart. According to a survey, more than 40% of young offenders have suffered verbal abuse from their parents. An educational short film titled \”How much damage can verbal violence cause\” is shocking to watch. Image source: \”The Injury of Verbal Violence\” Six juvenile delinquents in the detention center told their own stories: \”My parents divorced when I was 12 years old. My mother scolded me every day and often told me to die.\” \”Say I didn\’t. Use it to say I\’m a waste.\” \”You\’ve never praised me., the person who scolds me the most is pig brain, pig brain, pig brain. \”The words that hurt them the most are: pig brains, trash, just know how to eat, shameful, people are better than you, why don\’t you die!\” In the end, they turned these words into weapons for crime: guns, axes, fruit knives… \”Childhood mental abuse is an important cause of crime.\” The short summary is simple and thought-provoking. Children who are constantly humiliated, denied, ridiculed, sarcastic, and scorned have a big hole in their hearts, housing their dilapidated souls, forcing them to vent their trauma and humiliation in extreme ways. Psychologists say: A healthy parenting style does not confuse children\’s behavior with people. Actions are actions and people are people, always give unconditional love and acceptance. The attitude of parents really hides the future of their children. Psychology says: Bad things are more powerful and more memorable than good things. Those negative emotions, feelings, and memories will have a greater impact than the positive ones. Scientists have found that stressful verbal injuries can cause some permanent changes in the developing brain. The harm caused by verbal violence is difficult to resolve with love because the body has memory. What to do? The only way to avoid harm is to try not to let it happen. Educator Yan Yuan once said that counting ten pieces of money is not as good as rewarding one piece of money. Parents might as well say more about these mantras that children love to hear: positive encouragement, \”Believe in yourself, you will be fine!\” \”Try it, it doesn\’t matter if you succeed or not!\” \”Do it a few times, and it will get better and better. !\” Encouragement from parents is the greatest motivation for children\’s growth, and it can also shape an optimistic, positive, progressive and confident personality. Give respect: \”Since you have made up your mind, mom and dad support you!\” \”Mom and dad respect you.\” \”I want to hear what you think.\” The older the child gets, the less he wants to be controlled. It is a good idea to give respect and let go appropriately. Parenting wisdom that keeps pace with the times. Empathize with others: \”You didn\’t do well in the exam this time. Are you feeling uncomfortable?\” \”I know how you feel. It\’s called anger/sadness/disappointment/reluctance. I\’ve experienced it too.\” \”If you want to cry, don\’t Hold it in and cry for a while!\” Being more aware of the child\’s situation, emotions and emotions, and showing empathy can make the connection between parents and children closer. Hand over the right of choice and decision-making, \”Just decide this matter yourself!\” \”You can choose… or…\” When children do not want to comply with their parents\’ decisions, giving several choices may avoid communication stalemates. . Give your children pertinent advice: \”Crying won\’t solve the problem. It\’s best to convince me with reason.\” \”I love you, but I don\’t like what you do.\” \”I believe it would be better if you were more patient!\” Put your opinions in It will be easier for children to accept it after sure. The goal of family education in shaping children is never perfection, but to \”let the child become himself.\” Image source: \”Bottom Hot Girl\” In the movie \”Bottom Hot Girl\”, faced with a daughter who has poor grades, low self-esteem and wants to give up on herself, the mother\’s support is touching: I hope the children can thrive and do what they want to do, even if Even if the whole world is her enemy, I will stand on her side. With the encouragement of her mother and teachers, her daughter made a perfect counterattack. Parents who can speak well will basically have good children. Because I have been loved since I was a child, I am aArmor for life.