• Sat. Dec 2nd, 2023

A powerful training method for children’s inner psychology. Don’t let “setbacks” cause obstacles at all.

Some time ago, a conversation between a father and his daughter online was both hilarious and thought-provoking: Little girl: Dad, you have a little shortcoming, do you know what it is? Dad: What? Little girl: Sometimes, you always make others unhappy, which I think is not good. Can you change it? Dad: No, I just want to make you unhappy now so that you will not collapse easily in the future. The flowers in the greenhouse cannot withstand wind and rain… The conversation ended with the little girl\’s eyes rolling in protest. When I was young, I was carefree. As I grew up, I began to realize that life in the world is difficult and full of ups and downs. Having given birth to a child myself, I understand that life is bound to go through setbacks, and no matter how great we are, we cannot guarantee that our children will always have smooth sailing. Therefore, I worry that he will not be able to handle it when encountering difficulties, and that he is not strong enough mentally. Therefore, sometimes like the father in the conversation, he will artificially create difficulties and setbacks to exercise his \”frustration resistance\”. Can this really build children into strong people? This is not a setback, it is torture. It is undeniable that frustration resistance is very important. “Frustration-resistant quotient”, also known as reverse quotient, was first proposed by White House business consultant and American training guru Paul Stotts. It refers to the way people react when facing adversity, that is, the ability to face setbacks, get out of trouble, and overcome difficulties. In English, it is called Adversity Quotient, or AQ for short. Yu Minhong once said: It is much more important for parents to pass on adversity to their children than to ask them to get into college well. The fate of a child is composed of many factors. Whether there is adverse quotient, whether the child can withstand the blow, and whether he can maintain his enthusiasm for life after the blow are more important. Dong Qi, President of Beijing Normal University, also said this message to the students at the graduation ceremony: I hope everyone can become a resilient person. The word \”resilient\” here can be understood as having a high frustration quotient and a strong ability to withstand frustration. However, artificially creating some so-called \”frustrations\” and trying to \”temper\” children cannot truly cultivate children\’s frustration resistance. For example, some parents believe that children are living too smoothly now, and frustration education means not making their children too happy. If you love them, you must \”abuse\” them severely. They believe that if a child does not experience hardship, he will not be able to learn the \”72 Changes\” and no one will be able to withstand the \”81 Difficulties\” for him in the future. What\’s even more frightening is that some parents pursue persecutory education, believing that \”the child cannot be too satisfied, otherwise he will become proud and complacent,\” so they choose to use suppression to keep the child awake at all times. For example, Dong Qing\’s father. Dong Qing still sheds tears when she recalls her painful childhood. She said: \”My father was very strict with me when I was a child. He was not allowed to look in the mirror, and was not allowed to have long hair. I had to go out to work during the winter and summer vacations… Not only that, he would accuse me of doing something wrong every time I ate, which made me feel uncomfortable. I often cry and eat at the same time.\” Dong Qing, who grew up under such pressure, was still extremely insecure even if he became successful in the future. In an interview, she said: \”Actually, I am a very insecure person. I am always prepared for danger in times of peace. I always feel that everything I have today may not be there tomorrow…\” This kind of \”frustration education\” is even more important. pictureA kind of torture, a kind of \”pseudo-frustration\” training. What children lack is not setbacks, but education. In fact, today’s children do not lack setbacks in their lives. Let’s first take a look at how frustration is defined in psychology: Human behavior always starts from a certain motivation and reaches a certain goal through hard work. If you encounter difficulties or obstacles in the process of achieving your goals, you will have setbacks. Theoretically speaking, frustration includes three aspects: frustration situation, frustration cognition and frustration reaction. Specific people encounter specific obstacles or interference in specific situations, which leads to a psychological feeling of annoyance, confusion, anxiety, anger and other negative emotions intertwined, that is, frustration. Simply put, frustration is a very \”personal\” thing. What may seem like a trivial matter to an adult may be an insurmountable obstacle to a child. For example: unable to complete homework; not liked by the teacher; children do not play with him; sad, angry, and controlled by bad emotions;… They are often trapped in it and cannot extricate themselves. At these critical moments of growth, if children do not receive timely and correct psychological counseling and appropriate education, they are likely to develop a desperate and helpless pessimism, and fall into a worrying \”learned helplessness.\” What we are worried about is that we will shrink when encountering difficulties, unable to handle things or withstand blows. At this time, if we ignore or belittle the child\’s real problems on the one hand, and artificially \”add obstacles\” to the child on the other hand, not only will it fail to improve his frustration quotient, but it will push him further into the abyss of negativity and pessimism. Perhaps, after these deliberate training, the child can really become a strong person. However, losing the ability for more basic happiness and struggling to survive on the verge of painful collapse is not truly inner strength. Is there a better frustration education that offers the best of both worlds? What is true frustration education? Once we understand the definition of frustration, the core of frustration education can be easily revealed. The real frustration education is to teach children how to face setbacks and improve their psychological flexibility in the face of setbacks. American psychologist Martin Seligman proposed a concept opposite to learned helplessness – learned optimism, which teaches children to better face setbacks. This kind of optimistic state of being more focused, positive, self-esteem and confident in the face of setbacks can also be obtained through training. Seligman pointed out that there are usually two strategies to improve a pessimistic view of an issue: diverting attention; and refutation. Diversion of attention can relieve temporary pain, but refuting unreasonable thoughts can change the habitual pessimism in the long run. So how exactly should this method of rebuttal be implemented? We can refer to the \”ABCDE model\” proposed by Seligman. When something bad happens, we can help children get out of the predicament in the following five steps: A (adversity) sort out the bad things that happened; B (belief) find out Thoughts and ideas that automatically emerge when an event occurs; C (consequence) analyzes the consequences of this idea; D (disputation) refutes this idea; E (energization) represents your successful executionThe stimulus received after the rebuttal. The first three steps \”ABC\” are designed to improve children\’s emotional awareness. This ability means that an individual can be aware of what his or her current emotions are and why they have such emotions. For example, when a child suddenly feels sad, angry or scared, don\’t rush to tell the child to be strong. Let the child understand that a certain thought must have caused the emotion. Let children understand and accept their own emotions, which is the emotional basis for facing setbacks. \”D (Rebuttal)\” is designed to cultivate children\’s growth mindset. The core of growth mindset is the belief that things can be improved through hard work. This concept was proposed by Carol Dweck, a professor at Stanford University. \”E (Evoke)\”, after a child successfully refutes his pessimistic thoughts, he no longer believes them and often inspires good ideas. For example, my friend\’s child Xiaofei was very unhappy when he came home from school one day. He pouted and said to his mother: \”Mom, I don\’t want to go to school anymore. I feel that my teachers and classmates hate me.\” Her mother asked her what was wrong. It turned out that Xiaofei\’s teacher criticized her in front of the whole class, but everyone in the class was laughing. She felt that she was a fool in the eyes of others, so she was too embarrassed to go to school. If you encounter a situation like hers, you can try to use the \”ABCDE model\” to let your children review the problem. A (bad thing): The teacher criticized me in front of the whole class, and every student in the class was laughing. B (thought): The teacher hates me, and now every student in the class thinks I am stupid. C (Consequence): I feel very sad and don’t want to go to school. After finding the connection between ABC, you can let the child try to refute B (idea), as follows: D (refutation): The teacher criticizing me does not mean that she hates me, she criticizes almost everyone. I think I wasn\’t paying attention in class, so he reminded me. Almost every student in the class has been criticized at least once, so they don\’t think I\’m a fool. After such a rebuttal, the child\’s embarrassment will be alleviated and positive emotions will be stimulated. E (Encourage): Although I still feel bad about the teacher criticizing me, I can go to school. It should be noted here that if you want your child\’s rebuttal to make him more convinced, you must teach your child to \”quarrel\” with yourself with reason. There are two ways to help your child achieve this. Find evidence. When a child has a pessimistic reaction to something, first ask yourself: \”Where is the evidence for this belief?\” Look for other possibilities. Usually something happens for no one reason. Pessimists will always find the most damaging reasons. For example, Xiao Fei feels sad about being criticized by his teacher. The reason he finds is that the teacher hates him and the students think he is a fool. This is a permanent and personified reason. To refute this idea, focus on changeable, impersonal causes. For example, the teacher we mentioned above may have criticized Xiaofei because he was not paying attention in class. This situation can be changed as long as he listens carefully in class. In addition to the methods introduced above, there is another important point to improve children’s frustration quotient: parental love and support.. \”The Choice of Education\” says: \”The real frustration education does not require parents to create frustrations, but to be able to face setbacks with their children.\” Therefore, when your child encounters difficulties, please hug him hard and treat him firmly Said: No matter what happens, I will be your strongest support and will fight side by side with you and advance and retreat together. Only in this way can you have a child with a strong heart.

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