• Wed. Dec 6th, 2023

Are you still worried about your child’s disobedience? You should listen to your children

Cheng Zi is almost 9 years old. Over the past six months, one word has popped out of his mouth more and more: \”No\” – I don\’t! No! no! don\’t want! NO! NO! NO! I understand that saying \”no\” means that Orange\’s self-awareness is getting stronger and his sense of boundaries is getting clearer – this is my business, my choice, and I don\’t have to listen to your opinion. With a bit of relief, a bit of entanglement, and a bit of determination, I am also trying my best to do my homework – practice saying \”yes\”. Take Chengzi to buy clothes and agree to let him choose by himself. As a result, he picked a pair of pants that were almost royal blue. I said: \”This color doesn\’t match well. Are you sure you want to buy this pair?\” Chengzi nodded: \”The pants you bought me are all dark. I want to wear something brighter. I want this pair.\” \”How about we look at other pants?\” \”No, I want this pair.\” Okay, then buy it. It was almost ten o\’clock in the evening and it was already past the time to go to bed. Chengzi tossed and turned in bed for a long time, then he got up and said: \”Mom, I want to draw for a while.\” \”Okay, you can decide for yourself, but you have to get up early for school tomorrow. You should make good use of your time.\” \”I know.\” Half an hour later, I came out of the shower and saw Chengzi still leaning on the table and concentrating on drawing. I didn\’t urge him, I just reminded him: \”Lift your head up, don\’t lower it too low. I\’m going to bed, you have to watch the time.\” After a while, I heard Chengzi put away his stationery and went into the house to sleep. Not so long ago, the situation between us was not like this. I have been a bit stubborn since I was a child, and I insist on doing many things according to my own wishes. Even if I know what is more appropriate, I am not willing to give up, and I have a rather unyielding demeanor. In the first few years of getting along with Orange, I was the same way. I was used to letting Orange do what I wanted. I remember one time, when Chengzi was more than two years old, I was very angry because of something. Chengzi sat on the ground and cried loudly, saying: \”Mom, give me a hug.\” I could feel that Chengzi wanted to reconcile with me, but he couldn\’t let go of his little self-esteem. . I said with a straight face: \”No hug.\” \”Mom, come here, give me a hug!\” \”I won\’t go.\” Cheng Zi cried and got up, walked to me, sat down on the ground again, stretched out his arms to me, Crying and shouting: \”Mom, hug…\” Now thinking about the stalemate between mother and son, I still feel sorry for Little Chengzi at that time. Why was I so tough? However, I was not aware of my problem at the time and thought it was a bad habit that I was trying to exploit. Until I discovered that as Cheng Zi grew up, he had to ask me for permission when going to the toilet: \”Mom, I need to poop!\” Until I discovered that Cheng Zi didn\’t know when he became well-behaved, and just insisted on his own opinion, I As soon as he got angry, he said, \”Mom, don\’t be angry, I\’ll do it.\” Until I discovered that when playing with the children, Cheng Zi inadvertently showed a reserved expression and restrained body language. Every discovery makes me feel very uncomfortable. I don\’t want Chengzi to be like this. I don\’t want him to be so well-behaved, so reserved, and so concerned about other people\’s attitudes. I want him to be unrestrained and have an open personality, even if he is naughty or mischievous. I realized that I had to change. AgainIf this continues, Orange\’s character will be affected – in fact, it has already been affected. I started to learn, started to change, and tried to do the lessons that life gave me – boundaries and respect. Start with small things bit by bit, and try to respect Orange\’s own wishes. He wants to buy blue pants, okay. He doesn\’t want to sleep, he wants to draw, okay. I want to exercise his communication skills and let him ask for directions, but he doesn’t want to go—well, I won’t go if he doesn’t want to go. His lips were chapped, red and painful. On the third day after applying ointment, he didn\’t want to apply it anymore. Tell him to apply it for another day to consolidate it. He said it was already healed and he didn’t want to apply it anymore. ——Okay, then don’t paint it. No more nagging reasons, no more getting angry to make him comply, no more imposing your will on him, just tell him the possible consequences of each choice and let him make his own decision. Then, calmly and sincerely say \”yes\” to his decision. I wore the blue trousers two or three times and then stopped wearing them because they couldn\’t be matched with other clothes. I painted until late at night, and even woke up when I woke up in the morning, feeling quite energetic. Without applying any ointment, his lips started to hurt again the next day, and he knew he needed to consolidate. …I accept these results with peace of mind, good or bad. If necessary, summarize the experience with Orange, or say nothing more at all. Take care of your mouth and never say things like \”Look, what did I say?\” \”I told you a long time ago, but you didn\’t listen.\” Unknowingly, Orange has changed. He laughs more and is naughty more. His tone of voice becomes more confident and calm. He starts to stick to his own opinions. And, more and more, he Say \”no\” anymore. I see these changes in my eyes, I am happy in my heart, and I am also very pleased with the changes I have made. However, the homework I had to do quickly escalated. The theme this time is \”surrender\”. I can respect Orange\’s wishes about the little things in life. But what about bigger things? Not long ago, the teacher selected Chengzi to play basketball, but he didn\’t want to go. He said that playing basketball was boring and he didn\’t know any classmates, so it wasn\’t fun. Chengzi\’s father showed up and described to him how interesting and charming it was to be able to play basketball. However, Chengzi was unmoved and just refused to go. A performance club that Cheng Zi had been dreaming about for two years finally beckoned to him. This club has many opportunities to perform on stage, which is a very good opportunity. Unexpectedly, Chengzi\’s interest changed and he didn\’t want to go. I felt very sorry. After trying for a long time, Chengzi still said \”no\”. You see, I agreed to respect his choice, but just on the issue of interest classes, I felt a little uneasy. You clearly see that this matter will have an impact on your child\’s future. You see that your child\’s decisions are too limited to the immediate future and cannot take a long-term view like you do. If you follow his wishes, a great opportunity will be missed, so why don\’t you? Will you respect your child\’s choice? I am also very hesitant. Is it irresponsible for him to blindly let him go like this? I thought a lot about this matter and gradually clarified my thoughts. Chengzi is a somewhat sensitive child, and my control over him before was already a form of oppression. Now, I want to protect his free will as much as possible. After all, in a long life,Having a cheerful and sunny personality is much more important than learning multiple skills. If I could only choose between wanting my children to be happy and successful, I would choose the former without hesitation. More importantly, when I reach middle age, I have experienced some things in the world and seen many twists and turns and ups and downs. I have a little more awe and surrender towards life. In the face of life and destiny, I gradually realized my personal limitations and insignificance, and I also better understood what it means to truly let nature take its course – focus on the present, do your best in human affairs, and listen to destiny. However, I unintentionally regarded myself as my child\’s \”god\”, as if I could look far ahead, plan ahead, and arrange his destiny. I see further than children, but life sees further than I do. Life has its own arrangements for everyone. Ten years ago, we could not imagine what we are today. Ten years from now, who will know what we will look like? What we can grasp is to do the right thing at this moment. What I can do now is learn to trust my child, respect his choices as much as possible, give him the space to grow freely, cultivate his ability to make choices according to his heart, and let him grow up to be the most like himself. I believe that everyone is kind-hearted at heart. If he learns to listen to his inner voice and respect this voice, his choice will not be any worse. There was a girl whose family strongly opposed her boyfriend. But the more she objected, the more determined she became. After a stalemate for several years, her family had no choice but to let her go and said they would no longer care about her. When the resistance disappeared, the girl hesitated and felt that her parents\’ opinions were indeed reasonable. After several hesitations, they finally broke up. There is also a girl whose parents have been too disciplined since she was a child. Her self has been suppressed to the point that she has lost her feelings. For many years, she has not known what happiness is and what sadness is. The \”prescription\” the psychiatrist gave her was to do three things according to her own wishes every day, even small things like eating, but it was best to go against her parents\’ wishes. In other words, by saying \”no\” to her parents again and again, she allowed her self to grow slowly. Life will always take some detours. If you don\’t take small detours when you are a child, you will take big detours when you grow up. When children are young, the cost of trial and error is low and mistakes can be afforded. When he grows up, the choices he faces will continue to increase. Choosing a major, choosing a job, choosing a partner, making choices at every node in life, the cost of trial and error will become higher and higher, and some may even take several years. , the cost of decades. Let your child make choices from an early age and allow him to keep trying and making mistakes. Slowly, he will know who he is, what he likes, where the boundaries of things are, what the pros and cons are, and he will learn to make his own choices. If under the banner of \”I am doing it for your own good\”, you blindly let your child do what he wants without giving him a chance to try and make mistakes, he will not know what he really wants and will lose his sense of propriety in getting along with the world. When he grows up and needs to make independent choices, his choice may not be based on his inner wishes, but rebellion for the sake of rebellion. Or, his self is too weak and he has no power to make choices when facing the adult world, and can only passively accept choices. Back to myself. Frankly speaking, respect your children’s ownChoice, I ask myself, is not something I can fully do yet. Small things are fine, but I worry about bigger things, get entangled, and get anxious. However, after I figure out the direction of my efforts, I will try my best to do so – control my desire for control, try to give him space to grow freely, and accept his choices. For me, this is also a lesson and practice in life. . PS. I believe that respecting children’s choices does not mean letting things go, nor is it unprincipled pampering. It is based on parents’ self-awareness, teaching students in accordance with their aptitude, timely guidance, and teaching by precept and example. These are all supporting tasks that require parents to Do it with your heart.

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