• Sat. Dec 9th, 2023

As a mother, please let yourself go

On March 5th, Dabao went to preschool for the first time, and I no longer had to pick him up and drop him off. During that half day, I felt a long-lost relaxation. I feel like Da Zhangwei\’s \”Better Feeling\” is echoing in my ears from time to time. When I was about to pick her up, I thought about the upcoming homework: her dilly-dallying, not cooperating, and the second baby\’s various troubles and cries for a hug. I couldn\’t help but feel my scalp numb, and a heavy feeling of fighting arose spontaneously. It was better when she was in school! As soon as this idea came to my mind, I was shocked. Isn’t my goal to be a good mother? How could you have such an idea? Don\’t I love her anymore? Why was there such a big contrast in my attitude towards her in just a few years? I remember when my daughter was just born, even though she was in extreme pain and exhaustion, she was reluctant to rest. I looked at her next to me from time to time and sighed that she is so beautiful and God has been so kind to me! Three days after she was born, she was placed in an incubator because of pathological jaundice. When they separated, I knew that this situation was uncontrollable, but I couldn\’t help but blame myself for not protecting her during pregnancy. I hate that I have a poor constitution and cannot provide her with strong genes. While she was in the hospital, the doctor took several major examinations, including CT and MRI, for a minor illness but also for a serious illness, which made me constantly suffer from the panic of losing her. I have prayed to heaven countless times to exchange my life for hers. I just want her to spend this life safely. As a baby, I would unconsciously check to see if she was still breathing after she fell asleep. When I was a toddler, I would blame myself for my slowness because I didn\’t catch her in time and let her fall. When I first got married, I could only cook cooked meals, but now I am praised for being able to open a private restaurant. Even I, whose staple food has been rice since childhood, have made pasta my staple food. When she played with the children, she could hardly take her eyes off her. I am worried that she will not be able to socialize, and I am also worried that she will be bullied by children. She went to kindergarten on her first day. After leaving school, at the locked school gate, I cried harder than she did. Looking at the photos of her happily playing that the teacher posted on WeChat, I couldn’t bear the feeling that she was not around. I ran to my best friend’s house and hugged her son, who was not yet in kindergarten, and imagined that it was her who was holding him to comfort myself. Later, it was work that slowly cured my neurotic feelings towards her, and I slowly let go of my passion for her, as if I were in love, and no longer focused all my attention on her. Then, the arrival of my second baby made me pay more attention to her. Sometimes I wonder, since when did I start liking her absence? Is it because of the birth of a second child? When one person takes care of two children, and two people compete for mother, but you are unable to do anything, and your energy and time are obviously not enough? Is it because when she was at school age, she had to go through a quarrel over homework every day after school? In the eyes of my daughter, I seem to have changed from a good mother who loved her tenderly to the bad mother who loses her temper and only loves her younger brother but not her. In my eyes, she has changed from the caring and warm little girl to the willful, dilly-dallying, rebellious, fragile, crying and fussy boss she is now, and gives me a headache. Such changes have made me regret having a second child more than once. After having a child in the family, her personality and way of life have changed too much. Most of the time I don\’t bother to adjust and follow up. Because I have to take care of my two babies (six years old) aloneand one and a half years old). She is responsible for all the basic necessities of life, including transportation to and from school tutoring classes throughout the day, as well as homework tutoring and sleeping tasks that would make most parents shudder. After both children fell asleep, I not only had to tidy up the house like it was after a tsunami, but also set aside time for self-study… The hectic life of a single-parent family all day long made me feel that I had a serious lack of energy and time. The peace I originally expected was caught off guard by a big blow from life, and I felt that I had problems with my emotional control and mental state. That day, when I saw her at school, she ran happily into my arms, rubbed her tender face against mine, and said coquettishly in a soft voice: \”Mom, I haven\’t seen you all day, I miss you so much! \”In an instant, all the troubles disappeared in this hug and these words. \”You haven\’t seen me for just a day and you miss me?\” \”It\’s been a long day. Of course you miss me. When I was having lunch at the day care class, I missed you so much that I couldn\’t eat. I almost missed you. I cried. Mom, I won’t take care of class in the morning tomorrow, okay? I want to see you and my brother every day after school.\” After hearing this, the second baby gathered around me and went to hug my sister with a smile. \”But if you don\’t have morning care, you have to take care of your brother when I go home to cook every day. When he cries, you will find him annoying.\” \”Babies love to cry like this. Just let him cry if he wants to. He cries, I did the same thing when I was a kid.\” She used the words I often used to persuade her to persuade me. \”But when he cries, I have to cook and coax him, which makes it very annoying. What if the little monster who can\’t control his anger bothers you? I don\’t want to be a bad mother.\” \”Then you Just try your best to control your little monster. Even if you don\’t control it and accidentally become a bad mother, I will still love you. Because I know you didn\’t mean it, you still love me. Just like sometimes I control My little monster can\’t control me, loses his temper with you, and becomes a bad baby. You still forgive me and still love me.\” She came over and kissed me hard on the face. \”Mom, no matter you are a good mother or a bad mother, I will always love you.\” Erbao looked at her sister\’s actions, followed her example, and kissed me with a smile. Holding them both, the words \”live in the moment\” came to my mind. At this moment, I feel her love so truly and love her so truly! Holding them is like owning the whole world. No matter how rebellious, mischievous or disobedient she is, her place in my heart and my love for her cannot be diminished. Even if we still hurt each other, after everything is over, she is still my favorite daughter, and I am still her favorite mother. I can accept that she is not a perfect child, and she can accept that I am not a perfect mother, why can\’t I accept that I am not a perfect mother? Why do I always dislike myself so much? Even today, I always want to slap the stupid and ignorant version of myself to death. The me of tomorrow will still look down upon the me of today. Suddenly I realized that only by breaking through my own understanding of myself can I take the next step in life. Just like no matter what I dislike, that’s me! In this world, I am the only one. thinkIn the movie \”The Life of the Disliked Songzi\”, Songzi has been fighting against himself all his life and is rarely happy. I don\’t want to live this life. Once you understand what you don’t want, you can try to change it and strive for the results you want. In this way, each self today will be closer to the goal self. People must learn to accept their imperfections. Especially a woman who is a mother. Because a mother can determine the temperature of a home. Only those who truly accept and love themselves have the ability to truly and stably love others. Psychologically speaking, we gradually understand what kind of person we are through relationships. In this process, we learned compromise, tolerance, dedication, understanding and management. I also learned to transcend my own fears, learn to forgive and let go, learn to control the balance of dependence and symbiosis, and learn to reconcile with myself. It is in this process that we gradually become mature and happy. After all these years, I finally no longer dislike myself in the process of becoming a mother. Taiwanese Master Sheng Yen said: \”Face, accept, deal with, and let go.\” I hope you and I can have this ability. As a mother, please be kind to yourself and let yourself go.

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