A friend complained to me all day long about why her children were disobedient, how hard it was to take care of them, and how much she sacrificed… She burst into tears as she spoke, and I was exhausted listening to her. After my friend gave birth to a child, he never stepped into the workplace again. He spent every day around pots and pans, dealing with all kinds of trivial matters, and taking care of everything about the child. I used to be able to handle problems in the workplace in an orderly manner, but now my life is a mess. I often have cold wars with my husband and often get angry with my mother-in-law. I said: \”Remember you used to love painting, pick it up again and find some fun for yourself.\” She said: \”Where do I have time?\” I said: \”If you can\’t, go to work.\” She said: \”The child has no one. Bring it.\” I said, \”Isn\’t your mother-in-law here?\” She said, \”How can I rest assured that my mother-in-law doesn\’t know how to educate children at all, and you don\’t even know how sloppy my mother-in-law is…\” I thought. He said, \”You\’re not much better now,\” but he swallowed the words as soon as they reached his lips. Her appearance in front of me was that her unkempt hair was like hay, and the hairs under her armpits were vaguely visible when she was drinking water and picking up vegetables. Her high weight supported her not-so-loose skirt, revealing a few strands of fat, and she looked like a woman. The status of deputy aunt. She used to be sunny and sunny, but now she is clouded every time I see her. She talks about the troublesome things in her family that are constantly being sorted out and messed up. Another mutual friend of ours said: \”When I see her, I don\’t even want to It’s time to have a baby. “Is this really what life is like when you have a baby? Full of sorrow, losing yourself, and looking like a resentful woman? Two days ago, I read an Internet celebrity article called \”How to Pretend to Be a Good Mother.\” The article was full of pictures and texts, humorous, and explained the various hardships of life after becoming a mother. Netizens said that they couldn\’t stop laughing after watching it for the first time, and couldn\’t help but cry after watching it for the second time. Every answer seemed to speak about themselves, which was so heartbreaking. I recommended this article to a friend, who sent me a helpless expression. I replied: This is the state, but it cannot be the normal state. Let go of what should be let go, and pick up what should be picked up. I don’t know if my friend understood what I meant, but he left me with endless thoughts. The humanistic psychologist Maslow proposed a term called \”self-actualization.\” Another most influential expert in the psychological counseling industry, humanistic psychologist Rogers, also proposed \”become yourself\”. Women, before becoming mothers, are on the road to becoming themselves. Find a suitable job, buy a favorite bag, do what you like, participate in various dates with sisters, show yourself and release yourself. Not bored, not lonely, full of energy. But after becoming a mother, she walked on the road of helping others. I often hear people say: \”When I was not a mother, it was not a problem to go shopping in high heels for a day, but not after having children.\” It is because your energy has been diverted, and all the enthusiasm for \”self-investment\” is all selfless. The land is transferred to the children and the family. As long as it involves things related to it, you will be as excited as a chicken blood. After the excitement, all that was left to me was malaise. Becoming yourself is freeing yourself. To help others is to suppress oneself. If you have been suppressed for a long time, you must find an outlet to release your resentment., so conflicts between husband and wife, conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and conflicts between parents and children began to slowly emerge, making the originally harmonious family become disharmonious, so there was the scene where the friend complained at the beginning of the article. How can we find ourselves again? I think there are several directions for reference. Please don’t give up any possibility of growth. Many women, from the moment they become mothers, end their work, end their hobbies, end the possibility of self-growth, and find comfort in the seemingly perfect family relationship, and then enter the \” comfort zone”. But as time goes by, the real \”self\” is suppressed to the bottom of the lake of life. You may see that everything is calm, but that \”self\” comes out from time to time to make trouble, causing you to fall into a whirlpool of troubles, because your own life issues are not over yet. It must be accomplished by yourself. Being a mother does not mean that the life of self-realization is over, I just think it is just the beginning. One issue of \”Face to Face\” is an interview with Dong Qing. She has just finished recording the last issue of \”The Reader\”. She looks a little tired in the camera, but she still has a confident smile on her face, and at the same time there is a touch of gentleness. She became a mother, and she talked about the changes brought about by the birth of her child. She would not see her child for up to two weeks because of work, and she often fell into a dilemma between work and emotions. She said she was always looking for balance in each other\’s worlds. She also said: \”It\’s very simple to be who you want your child to be. I don\’t want to give up the possibility of continuing to grow, so I should work hard to make myself better. Let him grow up in the future When I truly understand, I will have love and respect for you. I can learn some good qualities from you…\” She has always hoped to teach her children by example. I also read an article called \”Such a woman will not lose her child\’s future.\” The protagonist is also Dong Qing. Learn to be \”lazy\” A friend\’s son is 11 years old and has very strong hands-on skills. When the electrical appliances at home break down, he always comes to fix them. Every time he goes out to play, he looks at the route and orders food. When someone asked a friend for advice, the friend would just say \”because I\’m lazy.\” I have read a sentence that says: \”If mothers are lazy, their children will be better.\” This mother is a truly wise mother who knows how to let go of her children as they grow and let them fly freely. Her \”laziness\” with her children eventually turned into their children\’s wisdom and independence. And this friend of mine spent the time gained from \”being lazy\” on self-improvement. She likes to read and practice beautiful calligraphy. She insists on doing yoga and still has a girl-like figure. She said that becoming a mother should not stop her life, but should make her more fulfilled. You are a mirror for your children, and living well is the best love for your children. To manage love well, husband is the first priority. Hellinger emphasized in \”The Order of Love\” that in the family, the relationship between husband and wife should come first and be the core. He believes that the relationship with children and parents should be ranked after the relationship between husband and wife. An important reason for family problems is that the relationship in the family is out of order. In most of our families, after having children, the mother-child relationship becomes the core of the family, and the husband naturallyStay behind and get no attention. In such a family, the children will be restrained and the husband will be even more depressed. The mother catches the child and the husband becomes a decoration. Without watering and nurturing, the relationship between husband and wife will naturally become a dead tree. This has become the norm and the source of conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law in countless TV dramas. A good woman is not only good at managing herself, but also managing love. Only a woman who enjoys the nourishment of love will be happier and more fulfilled. I have a sister whose son is in fourth grade this year, and her relationship with her husband is still that of a lover. Her husband was on a business trip and kept calling her one after another. Even his son felt sick of the sweetness. Her son asked her why her classmates’ parents always quarreled, and why didn’t you and your father quarrel? She just smiled and said: \”Do you want us to quarrel?\” Her son said of course not, I like you like this. Children who grow up in such a family are more loving. And such a woman possesses not only the charm accumulated over the years, but also the wisdom and elegance to face life with a smile. Beyond the pots and pans, a wider world is found. Life with children is indeed very troublesome, sometimes flat and sometimes thorny; life with children is indeed very fickle, sometimes brilliant and sometimes turbulent. Don\’t just choose thorns and turbulence, and ignore the flatness and brilliance. Achieving your own life and living your own flavor is the attitude we should have.