• Sat. Dec 2nd, 2023

Children are timid and nervous… This kind of behavior from parents can be so harmful

A friend told a story, and I felt uncomfortable for a long time after hearing it. Her little niece is only a little over 3 years old, but she is very \”well-behaved\”. When eating, only eat the dish in front of you. No matter what she is doing, when adults look at her, she immediately shows her baby teeth and smiles. Her mother had a very bad temper. She would complain when she wet her clothes when drinking water, when she sat on the floor, when toys broke, when she ate too slowly, or when she didn\’t close her eyes quickly during her nap. One day, a friend discovered that the little girl would quietly step on the rice grains she dropped while eating. I was afraid that my mother would see the little scraps of paper, so I held them in my little hands and even hid them in my nostrils. Friends are funny and sad at the same time. Children at such a young age have already learned how to deal with a bad-tempered mother. Yes, a child is not an unconscious stone. When an adult loses his temper angrily at a child, the child is frightened and has to find a way to deal with the adult. The 3-year-old girl has learned to watch words and emotions through repeated fears, and carefully hides things that may make her mother angry. In fact, we know that children will be scared, but we often don’t realize how scared they are. There is a German picture book called \”The Mother Who Yells When Angry\” vividly depicts the child\’s fear: My head flew into the universe. My belly fell into the ocean. My wings fell into the tropical jungle…I only had a pair of feet left, running and running…I wanted to scream, but I had no mouth. I want to look for it, but I don’t have the eyes. I want to fly, but I don\’t have wings… In the little penguin\’s imagination, when his mother yelled, he could only run away in a hurry because \”his\” body had been torn apart by fear. At the end of the picture book, the mother said \”I\’m sorry\” and sewed the little penguin together, and the little penguin forgave her mother. A child naturally has the most sincere love for his parents. Every time he is sewn up, he will forgive his mother, hug his mother with joy and gratitude and say \”Mom, I love you.\” But my mother didn\’t know how much pain he had. There are even some parents who don\’t feel sorry and won\’t sew up the little penguin and let him hold his breath in fear and fear, trembling in despair. They don\’t know that continued fear is destructive and will cause long-lasting psychological shadows on children. The consequence may be that the child becomes a \”dummy\”. In order to escape fear, children strive to cater to their parents and transform themselves into what their parents like. When he grows up, he appears to be normal and even excellent, but he is anxious and depressed. If he relaxes a little, he feels sorry for all mankind. A slightly bigger challenge can sink him. The consequence can also be apathy. The child closes his heart and shuts out the mother\’s temper and love. Someone on the Internet asked, if you have been beaten and scolded in childhood, what will happen in the future? Many of the answers are very heartbreaking: I am very defensive. If someone hurts me with just one word, I will never accept that person again. The consequences may also be \”reenactment of violence.\” Children who are severely scolded by their parents often use the same method to deal with younger siblings and peers, and may even become the ones who bully their classmates and cause social tragedies. People who grow up in fear will always have a crying child locked in their hearts. We know that tantrums can hurt children, but why sometimes?Can\’t help it? When I came back from a busy day, I saw that my home looked like a garbage dump. Children’s toys and snacks were scattered all over the floor. I urged my children to do homework, but they kept playing. They sat at the desk and played with pencils and picked out their ears. The homework was full of mistakes. ; It’s already very late, and the child is still dragging his feet to take a bath and go to bed… Faced with these trivial daily routines, which mother doesn’t endure it again and again, but still can’t hold it back, and finally gets angry? But when I saw the child crying, I felt sad and regretful. It is easier said than done for parents to control their emotions. We feel that life is too difficult and our children are too ignorant. Our hearts are like dynamite barrels, but children are always the trigger. Throwing snacks around after eating, refusing to take the initiative to go to bed… are just some \”little things\”. But why do these \”little things\” make us so anxious, lose our temper, and want to yell at our dearest children? There is a powerful force behind our \”temper\”. If we do not have insight and rely only on strong control, we will often fail. Many people have had this experience. At a certain moment in their lives, they suddenly realized: It turns out this is my business and has nothing to do with him. Psychological counselor Ling Xiang told a story. Her child, Chengzi, dared not raise his hand to speak in extracurricular classes. She was so anxious that she slapped and poked her, forcing Chengzi to raise her hands quickly. Later, she suddenly thought of a scene: when she was a child, she was taking a nap in the kindergarten. She wanted to go to the bathroom but didn\’t dare to say it. Until she peed her pants, she just couldn\’t shout out: \”Teacher, I need to pee.\” It turned out that what made her anxious and resentful was , it’s the nervous version of myself back then. The complicated emotions of that timid little girl were tied into a knot, and they have been hidden deep in her heart. So when a child behaves similarly, her \”complex\” is suddenly activated, and tension, fear, embarrassment, and anger pour out instantly. Everyone\’s emotions are different. Some mothers hate their children\’s \”ungratefulness\” the most. If they cook carefully, their children will only eat a few bites, or they will become distracted when they are busy talking about a topic. Perhaps she was also filled with a sense of grievance and exhaustion deep inside. Some mothers hate their children\’s \”imperfections\” the most: their children write a wrong word in their homework, their time control is inaccurate, and their chests suddenly fill with anxiety. Perhaps her childhood was filled with the uneasiness that \”you can only survive if you work hard.\” These complexes are the dark little secrets of our souls, the thorn bushes. If we really think about it, we can always think of their origin. When we lose our temper with our children, we instantly become the aggrieved child we once were. All the unspoken anger and fear were now transferred to the weak children. But he loves you and relies on you, so he can\’t escape, he can only get stuck there and let your anger pour on his head like lava. All he can do is to tie the knot silently in his heart and hide this complex deep in his heart, just like you once did. The complex is passed down from generation to generation. Children continue to pay for their parents\’ past and continue to reenact their parents\’ past. But the child is innocent. Your children have no part in your past. Your complex, the child has never touched up. Then why should he pay for your complex? Many times, yesBecause we can’t tell the difference between ourselves and our children. We treat our children as walking clay, as a part of ourselves. We hate our children for being \”disobedient\” as we hate ourselves for not living up to expectations. But as Gibran\’s poem said: Your children are not actually your children. They are children born of life\’s desire for itself. They came to this world with the help of you but not because of you. A child is an independent person first, and secondly. are the children of their parents. As long as there is interaction between people, there will be conflicting views and struggles for power. When we lose our temper with our children, it just shows that we are incapable of handling differences between two people in a mature and reasonable way. Inadequate knowledge and ability in parenting, so they have no choice but to resort to \”violence\”. What we should do is to make up for this lesson, to understand what children are thinking, learn how to communicate with children, and study how to make children willing to cooperate with us. Turn your temper into motivation for learning so that you won’t lose your temper again. Yes, a person\’s temper is full of traces of how others have treated him in the past. We can pass these on to our children without thinking, or we can press \”stop with me\”, just like holding the gate of darkness on our shoulders, letting our children go into a world with more security and happiness. I know I can do it, I know you can do it, and every parent who truly loves their children can do it.

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