• Wed. Dec 6th, 2023

Children with clear psychological boundaries will be more independent

It was my mother-in-law’s birthday the day before yesterday, and my son happily returned to his hometown with his beloved toy car. However, a small thing made my mother-in-law and I feel unhappy. As soon as he got home, his son couldn\’t wait to put the toy car on the ground and start playing with it. Upon seeing this, the little nephew quickly ran over and quickly took it aside to play with. Several times, my son tried to take the car back, but his nephew forcefully took it away. Seeing my son\’s aggrieved look, I prepared to help him get the toy car back, but my husband objected. He said: \”Children must know how to share.\” As soon as I finished speaking, my son ran up to me with his head lowered and his mouth flat. , burst into tears. In order to appease the child, I had to take the toy car back from my nephew. That day, I overheard my mother-in-law saying to the old lady next door: \”The child is so spoiled by his mother that he is so stingy.\” …\” I was immediately furious. Is it stingy for children not to share their favorite toys? How many children have been harmed by this kind of unreasonable \”sharing\”? On the Tianya Forum, someone asked a similar question: “Is there anyone who resents their parents for giving away the things they like? \”A netizen, a fresh and refined young man, said: Half a year ago, my mother gave two of my cars to the kids next door. I cried angrily on the spot, got so angry at her, and scared her. Two days later I My mother brought me toys back, and one car broke down. I smashed all the cars in front of her… Netizen nasisa said: My cousin came to my house last time and wanted to take away my little notebook. My mother She said that the child had to leave her, so I slapped my cousin on the spot… Netizen Chocolate Strawberry Pie said: I hate it too, super hate it. If he wants it, I would rather buy him a new one than I don\’t want them to do it. When I don\’t know, I give my things to others. The book \”Positive Discipline\” mentions: Children will seek revenge (which gives them a sense of control) to cover up the feeling of being hurt (making them feel weak). When children feel wronged in the matter of \”sharing\”, they only experience harm, rather than the beauty of the lingering fragrance of roses given to others. Friend A is the eldest son in the family, and his father values ​​boys over girls. Growing up, as long as When her younger brother is in need, her things will be given to him by his father. At first, she will be unhappy, but over time she will get used to it. Sometimes when she sees something she likes appearing in her brother\’s hands, she doesn\’t feel anything. . Some time ago, she told me a big secret in tears. She secretly told me that her husband was having an affair. The woman came to find her and asked her to leave voluntarily. I defended her and said, \”We can\’t do this. If you are bullied, I will accompany you to find that woman! When she heard my tone, she said nervously: \”No, no, he will scold me.\” I looked at her doubtfully and said, \”You are like this now, why are you still thinking about him?\” She choked and said, \”I can\’t get a divorce, otherwise the whole family will blame me.\” \”Hearing this, I suddenly realized that she didn\’t feel that her husband had been robbed at all. She just wanted to please everyone. The blurring of friend A\’s psychological boundaries was largely due to the influence of her father on her when she was growing up. Independence and independence Lack of awareness affects life choices all the time. Probably under the influence of parentsSubconsciously, you have the right to control your child\’s things. There is an abstract word in psychology: psychological boundary. When we are still in the fetus and infancy, we and our mother are closely nestled together and integrated with each other. I am in you, and you are in me. When children are about 3 years old, their self-awareness begins to develop. Children at this stage can slowly distinguish the difference between themselves and others, and can realize that there are certain boundaries between themselves and others. 3 to 4 years old is the sensitive period when children\’s sense of psychological boundaries begins to develop. At this time, the child transitions from symbiosis to individualization. When children\’s attachments are satisfied, they have a new need: independence. As parents, at this stage we need to let our children feel that: your things belong to you, you have the right to control them freely, and you need to bear the corresponding consequences for your choices. Children who lack a sense of psychological boundaries cannot fill the vacancies in their hearts as they grow older. On the contrary, concepts fixed in the subconscious will slowly be revealed in life. Therefore, when parents decide to give away their children\’s belongings, leaving the decision to their children should be an important lesson for being a good parent. What can parents do so that their children can have a clear sense of psychological boundaries? Respect children and seek their opinions before making decisions. Writer Zhou Guoping said: \”The most important principle in getting along with children is to respect them. Fundamentally speaking, this means treating the child as a soul, that is, a person with his own independent personality. Individual.\” A colleague said that her mother would ask her opinion before buying her anything or giving her things away since she was a child, and she would do it only after she agreed. Maybe I have lived in a free and relaxed family atmosphere since I was a child, and my colleagues have a relatively independent and strong personality. Avoid labeling children There is a concept of \”significant others\” in psychology. The significant others in infancy and early childhood are parents. Children aged 3 to 4 are particularly concerned about their parents\’ evaluations. If we blindly label children, the worst result will be that the children firmly believe that they are such people. Therefore, when a child makes a choice, our first step is not to evaluate it, but to understand the reason why the child did it and avoid looking at the child\’s behavior from an adult\’s perspective. Let your children learn to take responsibility. The most beneficial thing that parents can do for their children is to respect their children\’s choices and let them learn to bear the consequences. There is a saying that goes well, you don’t want to be a perfect mother, you only want to be a qualified mother. The book \”Good Mothers Are Better than Good Teachers 2\” mentions: A good mother does not mean a perfect mother, but a mother who is good at learning and reflecting. From now on, just be a 60% parent. Your efforts will make your child\’s psychological boundaries clear and make your child independent.

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