• Wed. Dec 6th, 2023

Communicate with adolescent children and please see their existence

Most adolescent boys and girls whose parents cannot communicate are because they are not seen. It is not scary for children to reach their teenage years and enter adolescence, but parents need to realize that when their children grow up, they should be treated as independent people. They are no longer ignorant children. In fact, even a newly born baby or a fetus in the mother\’s belly must be treated as a specific person. Just because they are young, ignorant, and unable to speak, we cannot treat them as toys or pets instead of treating them as human beings. Although children are young and cannot express themselves, their feelings are real, and the emotions they experience are no less than those of adults. In my childhood and adolescence, I often suffered from this kind of \”not being treated as a specific person\”, so I often had the feeling of \”you can\’t see me\”. When I talk to my mother, I often feel like I am air. Mother was talking to herself, one after another, quoting scriptures, and talking endlessly. I was there, explaining, but she couldn\’t hear me. It’s not that she has a hearing problem, she can hear the sounds I make. When she hears my words, she will be stunned because there is nothing wrong with what I said. Then she continued her conversation as if she didn\’t hear me. I explained again, and she stopped, looked at me, and continued her reasoning as if I didn\’t exist. What I said and what she said were two completely different lines. I followed her, wanting to be consistent with her, and wanting her to see me. She was like a person holding an umbrella on a rainy day, walking with the umbrella completely covering her head, looking straight ahead, not paying attention to anyone next to her. She wasn\’t ignoring me. At some point she would look at me and wait for me to finish speaking, but her response to me was zero. She was speaking irrefutable truths in her own world, not hearing me and not trying to understand what I was saying. Psychoanalysis says: A situation where no one responds is a desperate situation. The greater despair is that you clearly know that she is looking at you and hearing her, but she just doesn\’t respond to you, pretending that you didn\’t say anything. In her eyes, your words are the same whether you say them or not. This is something that makes people very angry. Originally, my explanation and appeal were reasonable, but she had no intention of seeing me. I would definitely get angry in the subsequent communication, and then I would not be able to continue. My mother would be even more angry. She had told so many truths and given so many examples, but the child not only refused to listen, but even quarreled with me! However, you didn\’t hear me at all. Things are completely different from what you understand. My mother is very eloquent and can tell a lot of truths. The truth is always right, so naturally I am wrong. Usually after a while, I will get angry. At that time, I was a rebellious adolescent girl in their eyes. I could hardly talk to my parents normally. I would get angry whenever I spoke, and I could hardly speak more than three sentences normally. Let’s talk about my dad. My father loves me very much, I know this, but his love is something he tries hard not to express. He would do many things for me, but he would never say a word of praise to me, not even a word. I scored 100 points in the exam, won the first place in the competition, and won the award for the three best students.When I returned home, I could see the happiness in his eyes, and I could also see his efforts to restrain himself from being happy. He deliberately straightened his face, trying not to smile, feel complacent, or show happiness. He raised his head and looked at me from the corner of his eye and said calmly: \”Yeah.\” My dad\’s attitude is: children must be obedient. Anyway, since you were born to me, you have to be obedient. I was doted on by him, but I still had to be obedient. As for what I think, that\’s not important. When he sees that I think differently from him, the result will definitely be rage. If I insist on my opinion, his anger will lead to \”hard wings\” and \”spending my money and not listening to me anymore.\” So, to this day, I am still very sensitive about money issues. Whatever money my husband earns belongs to him. I can only feel safe if I have my own income. Therefore, the communication between me and my dad back then was usually less than three sentences. He will get furious and the vicious cycle will continue. Even when I say \”I don\’t like to buy vegetables\” or \”I don\’t like to eat ginger\”, I will make him angry intolerable. In his world, I should be a submissive and completely obedient. I have done this in the past, but the child will always grow up and have his own ideas. There will always be times when he goes against him. In his opinion, This is intolerable. If you can\’t tolerate it, fight. When my dad beat my brother in elementary school, I was lying on the desk doing homework and heard my brother struggling behind me. But I still had to do my homework. I had to finish these important things before talking about it. I was trembling in my heart. . And when my parents quarreled, I was powerless. On a cold winter night, my brother and I hid outside to stay away from the angry voices. It was much warmer outside than inside. It was so cold that my heart was so cold… I was scared, I don’t know. Why did this happen? I asked my mother when the matter was over. She said, \”Your father has a very bad temper. As long as you are good and study well, he won\’t be angry.\” So I was very good and obedient, and I tried my best to behave well. Please them. He was obedient when he was young, but in adolescence he always had some thoughts that would arouse his anger. Once I casually said that if everyone practices the same calligraphy, I am afraid that writing will not have its own style. He was shaking with anger and said angrily: What style can you have! Back then, when I was a teenager, my parents and I were like this. Even when we both wanted to communicate well, the communication would collapse because we couldn\’t express what we wanted to say and there was a gap between us. Until now, it is difficult for me to think differently in front of my father. Even if I have the same attitude towards the problem as his, after I say it, he will never say \”right\”, but will say it seriously in his own language. Again, it sounded a lot like disapproval to me. One cannot see the child, and the other does not allow the child to speak. Therefore, at that time, under the vitality of adolescence and at the stage of forming my own identity, I had inevitable rebellious emotions towards my parents\’ disregard and control. It\’s that simple. After studying psychology for so long and understanding all this, getting along with my daughter is very simple. I just need to see her presence and listen to her talk. When I make a decision about something, I will listen to what she said for the time being. If the matterIt was exactly what she said and I would apologize for wronging her. If you do something wrong, you have to apologize. I am not God and I will do something wrong. And I will pay more attention next time and don\’t make subjective assumptions. I will listen carefully to what she says and have active conversations. If you don’t understand something, just ask. Never pretend to understand something that you don’t understand. That would be too embarrassing. After all, when my mother asked me if Andy Lau was the one who played Zhu Bajie, I was speechless. She took this as a joke and told it everywhere, which made me feel ashamed this time. But that doesn’t mean that children won’t be rebellious if they do this. I originally thought that as long as the communication was good enough and the parent-child relationship was harmonious, there would be no moments of rebellion. After all, I am very reasonable and respect my children\’s opinions. But sometimes, all the child does is express her disagreement. For example, the year before last, I happily planned to take her to Tibet. The plan was well made, the strategies were checked, and everything was ready. But she said: She won’t go. why are you not going? I just don’t want to go. Tibet is so good and beautiful, why don’t you want to go? No reason, I just don’t want to go. In the end, she really didn\’t go. Later, similar incidents happened several times. Each time I was sure that she really didn\’t want to, so I respected her opinion and changed the plan. This \”reverse period\” ended in just one year. Fortunately, at her age, she has to do something to fight for her own position and identity. If she were always submissive and well-behaved, I would be worried. If the child is not rebellious now, is soft and obedient, he will live out his adolescence elsewhere in the future, and who knows what trouble will occur by then. Now, my daughter is fourteen years old, and we are still close. I hope my story will inspire you.

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