• Sat. Dec 2nd, 2023

Do you think your child is listening to you? wrong! He\’s listening to your subtext.

When we went out to eat a few days ago, a mother and her son were sitting next to us. The child, who looked about three or four years old, was pouring water from the kettle into a cup to drink. In less than two minutes, my mother\’s mouth almost never stopped: Pour slowly, don\’t burn your hands. Okay, okay, don\’t fall again. Hold on tight and don\’t spill it. Drink in small sips, be careful of scalding… Every move the child makes, the mother will follow with a warning. It seems that this mother is really considerate and cares about her children, but I am thinking about how anxious this mother is and how she does not believe in her children! Have you noticed that our conversations often have two meanings: one is the literal meaning, that is, the thoughts in our heads, and the other is the unspoken meaning, also called subtext, which is the expression of our subconscious mind. This subtext sometimes basically coincides with the literal meaning, sometimes it is very different, and sometimes, it is even completely opposite. You think you know what you are talking about, but in fact, many times, we are not aware of our subtext. We think we are saying A, but in fact, the subtext is -A. As a famous saying goes: all jokes contain serious elements. In daily interactions, everyone not only listens with two ears, but we also have an invisible antenna erected above our heads to capture and receive the other person\’s hidden meaning – the so-called obedience. Psychologists have found that the implication in communication is far more important than the literal meaning. If you don’t believe me, try it. If you only act according to the other person’s literal meaning, you are likely to be considered a person with low emotional intelligence and will inexplicably hit walls everywhere in your life. Being obedient has become a rigid communication rule in the adult world, but when we face children, we ignore this. Maybe we feel that the child is still young and does not have enough understanding. It would be good if he could understand the literal meaning. Therefore, when we talk to our children, we rarely consider every word and sentence. We mostly go straight and say whatever is necessary. This will reveal more of what is subconscious. In fact, children\’s feelings are more acute, and they are better at bypassing language and capturing the subtext behind adults\’ words. Subtext is a hint that will continue to shape your parent-child relationship, shape your child\’s character, and ultimately turn your child into what you subconsciously think you are. Just like the mother who told her children to be careful when drinking water. On the surface, she cares about the child, but subconsciously, her worries about the child and her distrust of the child\’s ability are all absorbed by the child. The child will either be very irritable because he is surrounded by the mother\’s care and control, or he will feel that the world is full of dangers and his own abilities are not worthy of trust, and slowly become too cautious and cautious. , afraid of hands and feet. Or, she agrees with her mother\’s ideas and becomes a little obsessive. For example, the water glass must be placed in the designated place and the shoes must be placed straight. Have you ever noticed that children with obsessive tendencies often have mothers who are too perfectionist and demanding? A friend said that when he returned to his hometown, his father would always talk about whose children worked where and were particularly capable and rose to the top within a few years. Whose child is responsible for his or her own role in the company and earns a lot of money every year? Friends, listen, I always feelI feel weird in my heart. She was doing pretty well on her own, just as good as those people Dad mentioned. Ordinarily, Dad didn\’t need to compare her with her. But she still heard a hint of comparison and judgment. She said, I have a feeling that if I don\’t do well, will my father think that I am inferior to his friends\’ children? She knew that her father would definitely not admit that he was comparing her with others. He would definitely say: Isn\’t this just chatting about relatives and friends? You are overthinking it. Many times, it’s not us who think too much. This friend said that for some reason, she always cares about other people\’s opinions. She is always a little unconfident in her personality and cares about other people\’s evaluations. She found it strange that her parents had not been very strict with her since she was a child and they had a relatively relaxed growing environment. How could she not be confident? Later, she discovered that her father would always mention so and so, intentionally or unintentionally. Ordinarily, this is normal, but she felt a kind of comparison from her father\’s tone, as well as a vague expectation for her, expecting her to study better and work better than others. Therefore, on the surface, it seems that her parents do not have too many demands on her, but she has completely accepted the implicit expectations. She internalized her father\’s expectations into expectations for herself, so she strived for self-improvement and excellence all the way. But at the same time, she also internalized her father\’s comparative judgment as an inner voice, and she was always comparing herself with others. The result of comparison was often seeing the good sides of others and ignoring her own good sides, resulting in low self-esteem. Born out of it. In this way, she grew up to be an excellent person with low self-esteem. Even if you are already very good in the eyes of others, you always feel that you are not good enough and you are never satisfied with yourself. Subtext is far more powerful than literal meaning. You have said it thousands of times, learned many communication skills, and tried your best to suppress your inner emotions, but you can\’t escape the sensitive antenna above your child\’s head – he knows what you are really thinking. He felt it even if you didn\’t notice it yourself. Because the subconscious mind will be expressed through various channels – tone of voice, micro-expressions, micro-movements, and facial expressions will all reveal your inner secrets. It leaves you with nothing to hide and nothing to guard against. Some mothers feel aggrieved: \”I asked him what his score was, and I didn\’t say anything. Why was he so reactive and impatient?\” Do you think you were pretending to be casual and asked him how he did in the exam in an understatement? In this way, the child will not feel your expectations? Your expectations are already pouring out, and the child is so oppressed that he can\’t breathe, so he uses impatience to express his strong breakaway and resistance. so what should I do now? Shut your mouth and say nothing? Definitely not. Since the subtext is the expression of the subconscious mind, what we have to do is to correct our mentality and correct our original intention. Once your heart is right and your original intention is right, your subtext will naturally change. Many mothers who have started to study and reflect will have such worries: Is it right to say this, and is it okay to do that? I am afraid that saying the wrong word or doing the wrong thing will affect the child\’s life. In fact, this is all superficial. What really matters is how you feel in your heart and whether your subtext is correct. How to cultivate your mind? To put it simply, I think it’s just four words:Living in the moment. Let me give you my own example. On the weekend, I took Cheng Zi out to play. Along the way, I heard him clearing his throat and coughing dryly. It was obvious that his throat was not feeling well. I couldn\’t help but say: \”If I don\’t say it, don\’t you know how to drink some water?\” As soon as the words came out, I clearly felt that there were more words behind this sentence: Such a big child still can\’t be taken care of well. Myself… my cough got worse because I didn\’t drink water. This happened not only once or twice, but I had to remind him every time. Reminding me once was not enough… How long should I remind him… In just a short moment, I not only remembered his previous I don’t like to drink water and I don’t listen no matter how many times I say it. I also think about what to do if my cough gets worse. What will I do in the future? Do I have to keep reminding you in the future? When I think about the past and the future, my emotions come out – blame, irritability, distress, worry… These emotions are surging in my heart, and the tone of the sentence I blurt out is naturally not good, and it comes out sideways. I\’m thinking that if I didn\’t blame him for his past behavior, nor worry about his voice in the future, but simply let him drink some water, my tone would become much gentler and smoother. Therefore, to correct your heart is to live in the present, without so much blame for the past, and without so much worry about the future, just do what you should do at this moment out of love and care for your children. When your heart is stable, there are fewer worries and fewer fears, and your words will naturally become more stable. What your children receive is your calmness and stability. Over time, children will learn this kind of calmness and stability. A calm and determined heart is the most precious gift that parents can give their children. I always mention the word \”awareness\” in my articles. In the face of various problems with children, the solution I often give is the same – parents should be more aware of what they say and do. What is awareness? Aware of what? To put it simply, it is to be aware of your own subtext and your motives for speaking and doing things. If the intention is right, the subtext will be right. Subtly, the child will naturally become closer to what you subconsciously think. As psychologist Kohut famously said: What kind of people your parents are is more important than what they do. What you say or how you say it is not important. What matters is what\’s inside you. If you want to repair the parent-child relationship, you must first repair your own heart. To be honest, it is very difficult to do this. We are all ordinary people with emotions and desires. It is difficult to be free from worries and fears. But this does not prevent us from taking this as a goal, working hard for it, and constantly getting closer. After all, this process of constant approaching, growing, and spiraling is the meaning of life. I thought.

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