For many parents, disobedient children are the biggest headache. Even if they are patient enough, their children are still naughty, mischievous, and crying, which really makes many parents feel devastated. Why are children always reluctant to listen to their parents? There is a child\’s monologue in the movie \”Kids Are Not Stupid 2\”: Adults often think that they communicate with us by talking a lot to us. In fact, they all talk by themselves and feel comfortable. And we often pretend to listen, and then our ears go in and out… This line expresses the fundamentals of parent-child education – educating children is not simply about making children willing to listen. \”How to Talk So Your Children Will Listen, How to Listen So Your Children Will Talk\” is a parenting bible for parents and children to communicate well. The authors of this book, Adele Farber and Elaine Mazlish, are internationally renowned experts on parent-child communication and the authors of the best-selling parent-child education book series in the United States. \”How to Talk So That Children Will Listen, How to Listen So That Children Are Willing to Talk\” is a research summary of experiments conducted by the two authors with parents. The book selects the most common scenes in the parent-child relationship and tells parents how to deal with them. Tens of millions of parents around the world have used their own personal experience to prove that the methods provided in the book are very effective. After understanding the book and the author\’s information, let\’s now take a look at what this book that changed children and parents has to say. Learning to respond to your child\’s feelings is the best way to comfort your child. When it comes to raising children, the most frustrating thing for parents is probably the fact that their children always cry regardless of the occasion or time. When faced with a child\’s crying, some parents will ignore it, while others will comfort the child. But strangely, sometimes it\’s okay not to comfort the child, and there may even be situations where the more the child is comforted, the more serious the crying becomes. Parents can never understand why their children cry non-stop over something as trivial as sesame seeds and mung beans, and turn a blind eye to their parents\’ reasoning. It\’s like a child coming back from a training class with an unhappy face, saying that the coach canceled their important game just because of a light snowfall. At this time, many parents will use adult rationality and say, \”The coach did the right thing, because in many cases light snow will turn into heavy snow,\” or comfort their children, \”Don\’t feel disappointed because of this, you still have many opportunities to compete.\” There is nothing wrong with this kind of response in the eyes of adults, but when a child hears this kind of response, he will only feel more sad. When encountering such a situation, many parents will feel that their children are ignorant. In fact, it is not that the children are ignorant, but that the response given by the parents is not what the children want. If you want to appease your child\’s emotions, you must first not present facts or reason, but rather accept your child\’s feelings. When a child\’s feelings are constantly denied, he or she will become confused and angry. So when parents give a solution or say it\’s no big deal, the child\’s emotions will not be relieved because the child does not feel recognized. The correct way to deal with it is to understand the child\’s feelings and express the child\’s feelings, rather than giving suggestions, not to evaluate, or even to accuse. Telling your child how they feel is actually easy to do. Parents just need to listen carefully, nod your head while listening to what your child is saying, and echo one or two words of affirmation such as \”oh\” and \”um\”, and your child will feel that you recognize his feelings. Parents can also emphasize that they feel their child\’s emotions and accept his feelings by repeating his or her words. For example, if a child says \”I\’m sad,\” then the parents can say, \”Then you must be sad.\” If the child says, \”I\’m very sad,\” the parents can say, \”Then you must be very sad.\” In addition, , using fantasy to comfort children, this method is also particularly effective in soothing children\’s emotions. For example, many children feel anxious because the exam is approaching. Parents can reassure their children that it will be fine if the exam is over and they do well. When responding to your child\’s feelings, the key is to communicate in a way that understands your child. Even when your children do something you don\’t like, first verbally agree with what they are doing, and then give your own suggestions. This method of communication will be much more effective than if you directly stop them. \”Cooperating with children\” is more useful than \”managing children\”. Parents like to urge their children to do things, but children often choose to ignore or even confront their parents. For example, when a child is brushing his teeth, the water from the bathroom faucet keeps dripping, and the parents want the child to tighten the faucet. But if parents blame their children for being careless, or complain that one of their children forgot to turn off the faucet, the child\’s behavior will not change, and they may even go against their parents. Although children are young, they still have self-esteem. If they want their children to obey their parents\’ instructions and do things, parents need to change their attitudes. They cannot accuse, abuse or even threaten their children, but seek a good cooperative relationship. Cooperation is the basis for people\’s interactions and the cornerstone of a good parent-child relationship. Cooperation means that without any coercion, parents and children work together to find solutions to problems based on mutual respect. If parents want to seek a cooperative relationship, they must communicate in a way that maintains their children\’s self-esteem. How to maintain their children\’s self-esteem? That is, don’t talk to your children in a tone that is clearly critical and accusatory. Parents can objectively describe the facts. Even if they are very angry now, they still cannot add any emotions or comments and directly describe what they see. For example, if parents want to draw their children\’s attention to the fact that the faucet is not closed tightly, they should say \”the faucet is dripping.\” Of course, if you are already furious and may not be able to describe the objective facts calmly, you can use one word to remind your child what to pay attention to. Just like if the faucet is not turned off, you can just say \”faucet\” and the child will understand what you mean. In addition, it is important for parents to let their children know how they feel through words. But when expressing your feelings, be careful not to exaggerate. In addition to stating facts and expressing feelings, parents can also give their children prompts or choices to urge their children to change their behavior. For example, if you hope that your child can tighten the faucet every time he uses water, you can reason with the child and let him understand that wasting water adds up to a small amount. This kind of accusation without naming names will be easier for the child to accept. . Or directlyGive the child a multiple-choice question and tell him that you will either do this or do that now. Through the \”choose one\” method, let the child feel that he has the right to make a decision. Whether stating facts, expressing feelings, or providing choices, parents need to use language to communicate with their children face to face. If some parents feel that face-to-face communication with their children is not very effective, or their children are particularly sensitive and overreact to their parents\’ words, parents can write notes. Writing a note the day after the incident to bring it to your child\’s attention works well for many children. For example, a note saying \”Please turn off the water after use\” is placed next to the faucet, and a note \”Throw inedible items into the trash can\” is placed next to the trash can. No matter which method you use, you must understand that if you want your children to do things according to your ideas, you need to encourage your children to have a cooperative relationship with you instead of unilaterally commanding and blaming. When children do something wrong, punishment is not the only option. Children will inevitably do some wrong things as they grow up. When faced with their children’s mistakes, many parents think of punishment. In their eyes, nothing can be made without polishing it. Only by punishing the child appropriately can the child have a long memory and restrain and correct his behavior. But the book mentions that many times parents punish their children and fail to achieve the desired results. The child may feel resentful, want revenge, or do the same thing again, as long as he doesn\’t get caught. Some may even deny themselves completely, thinking that they are a complete bad child. Since punishment cannot really correct a child\’s behavior, when a child makes a mistake, we can take a better way to help the child grow, that is, parents and children sit down together and find ways to solve the problem. First of all, parents need to understand the events from many aspects. In addition to listening to other people\’s descriptions, they should especially listen carefully to their own children\’s descriptions and respond to their children\’s feelings and needs. Then, parents should express their feelings and needs regarding this incident and let their children realize how they, as parents, view this matter. Immediately afterwards, parents and children should discuss together to see if they can find a solution that everyone agrees on. During the discussion, you can prepare paper and pen to write down all the ideas that parents and children think of. Finally, parents and children carefully look at these ideas together and discuss what is feasible and what is not feasible. The book gives an example. A mother learned from the teacher that her child did not listen well in class and was naughty. However, the mother should not reprimand the child, but should talk to the child and find a solution together. . The mother first asked the child, \”What do you have to say about this?\” The child said that he was causing trouble because Joey hit him on the head with a ruler. After hearing the reason, the mother expressed her unhappiness because her child was not behaving well. Then they discuss together whether there is a solution. In order to avoid Joey\’s interruption, the child may come up with ideas such as changing classes or changing seats. After writing down these ideas one by one, they discussed them together. In the end, I decided that changing shifts was unrealistic and I could consider changing seats. This thing got perfectsolution. In short, in the process of solving problems, parents should regard their children as objects of equal communication, rather than thinking from the bottom of their hearts that their children do not understand anything and are unable to have rational conversations. Many times, parents underestimate their children. If they sit down and talk together, their children can definitely do it. Praising children is not that simple. Children\’s growth requires parental approval. However, many parents have found that praising children is not an easy task. For example, parents praise their children for being smart, but their children complain that others are smarter. Parents praise their children for being beautiful, but the children say they are fat. What happened to these children? Don\’t they like to hear compliments? That\’s not the case, it\’s just that parents use the wrong way of praise. Using words such as \”smart\”, \”beautiful\” and \”perfect\” will not only make children focus on their mistakes, but also make them discouraged and stop trying harder. If we want to encourage our children, we need to avoid words that connote “evaluation.” On the contrary, a simple description is a better way to praise. You can describe what you see. You can also describe how you feel. You can also summarize what you saw in one word. For example: \”You understood everything on the note. This is \’persistence\’.\” \”You cleaned up all the leaves and put them in bags, and you did it consciously! This is \’responsibility\’ \’.\” This kind of praise not only affirms the children\’s efforts, but also helps them believe in themselves. Most importantly, it gives them the courage and motivation to continue working hard. Even if your children don\’t do so well, you can cheer them up by telling them how far they have come. For example, a child is very slow to get dressed. You can say, \”You got dressed yourself, had breakfast, and brushed your teeth. All you have to do is find your socks and shoes, and you\’re ready to go!\” Affirming the progress your children have made will give them the courage to persevere. . But if your child really can\’t find anything to praise, and is very sensitive, he will be hit hard if he makes a mistake. So what to do? In response to this situation, the book gives a solution, which is to help him realize that the mistake he made will also be an important discovery. A little boy shook the cup and the lid came off, spilling the juice all over him and he started crying. His mother did not blame him, but exclaimed exaggeratedly, \”You have made a new discovery!\” The boy stopped crying and looked at his mother in confusion. The mother said in a very slow tone, \”You find that when you shake the cup, the lid will slip off and the juice will splash everywhere!\” This way of handling will prevent the child from being immersed in negative emotions and will have a positive impact on the child\’s health. Subsequent actions generate positive incentives. In the parent-child relationship, parents need to learn to express anger. After having children, many parents have thought about putting their children back, or even spanking their children when they are out of control. You have to admit, kids are pretty good at irritating their parents. At this time, most parents will repeatedly remind themselves not to vent their anger on their children, but doing so seems to only increase their own anger and despair. Most parents believe that they need to be an emotionally stable parent in front of their children.But the author of this book has a very unique idea. She believes that parents should not ignore their own feelings, but should also learn to express their emotions. There is a story mentioned in the book. A mother said that she was very angry because her son always woke up the baby. She couldn\’t bear it and wanted to beat the child. So she stood up, raised her hands, made a threatening gesture, and then viciously told the child that she wanted to hit someone. Hearing this, the child really ran away. The amazing thing is that after two minutes, the child stuck his head into the house and asked his mother if he could come back? The mother made an offer, saying that as long as he could make his sister happy, he could return to the house. Something even more magical happened. Her son started to make the baby laugh, and after a while, the baby started laughing. You see, sometimes, when parents express their uncontrollable anger appropriately to release themselves, not only will they not hurt their children, but they will also make the situation better. Of course, the way to express anger must be appropriate. In addition to pretending to hit their children to make them run away, parents can also directly say what they don\’t like and add their own expectations. For example, when the child is enjoying the food to himself, you can say that you don\’t like the food to be enjoyed exclusively by others, but you hope that everyone can share it fairly. In addition to this, describe the problem and shout it out. For example, tell your child that someone else is waiting to use the bathroom to urge her to hurry up. But it should be noted that no matter which method you use to express anger, you need to be careful not to use the word \”you\”. When we are angry, we have a strong urge to attack others, and the first word out of our mouth is \”you\”. But these accusatory \”you\”s are like sharp knives. Children who hear this word will not reflect on what they have done wrong, but will focus on self-defense and counterattack. Therefore, when expressing anger, parents should use \”I\” more to express feelings or needs. Finally, regarding these techniques, some people may ask, \”If we use these techniques, will the children always be obedient?\” In this regard, the answer given in the book is: Our purpose is not to use a set of skills to control children\’s behavior. So that the children can obey your instructions. Our aim is to develop children\’s enterprising spirit, initiative, responsibility, sense of humor and ability to consider the needs of others. The fundamental principle of these methods is only one – to recognize and respect the child\’s feelings. Many parents try to make their children obedient by reasoning, but this is obviously an educational misunderstanding. According to modern psychological research, the distance between reasoning and accepting truth may be very long. For adults, whether we will accept other people\’s opinions depends first on the emotion, then on the other person\’s behavior, and finally on the other person\’s language. This is true even for adults, let alone children. As mentioned in the book, as parents, we should realize that no matter how perfect the plan is, it will not be permanent. Therefore, only with recognition and respect as the premise can we communicate well with children and find solutions with them to help them grow better. Education is an important task and challenge, during which both children and parents grow. The family is a child’s first school, and parents are their children’s firstAs a teacher, you need to remember that love and tolerance are the cure for everything. Just like what Bing Xin once wrote in \”Stars\”: Mother, the storm in the sky is coming; the bird is hiding in its nest; the storm in my heart is coming, and I am hiding in my mother\’s arms. I hope all parents will blame less and have more recognition, respect and patience when dealing with their children. No one is born a mother or a father, and being a parent is the only “career” that doesn’t require exams for long-term employment.