• Sun. Dec 3rd, 2023

Empathize first, educate later, don’t control your child’s life in the name of love


Oct 1, 2023

We may have heard such words as \”There is a kind of hunger that makes mom feel you are hungry\” and \”There is a kind of cold that makes mom think you are cold\”; we may have also seen some scenes like this: a little boy accidentally fell If you fall or hit a wall and start crying in pain, your father will say: \”It doesn\’t hurt, it definitely doesn\’t hurt, don\’t cry. What\’s the point of crying? You are a man, and men don\’t shed tears easily.\” .\” Obviously, these parents are using their own feelings and experiences to deny and replace their children\’s true inner feelings and experiences, and they believe that this approach is a correct education method and require their children to obey and accept unconditionally. This often happens. The phenomenon in family education is called negative feelings in psychology. 10 Recommended Classic Family Education Books Psychological feelings are conscious psychological activities of individuals’ awareness, understanding, intention and grasp of psychological objects. Human psychological feelings have the characteristics of subjectivity, objectivity, individuality, consciousness, generativity and authenticity. Self-feeling and experience are of great significance to human growth and can enable a person to have a sense of autonomy, existence, control and reality during the growth process. Research has found that 44% of the words parents use to respond to their children deny their children\’s feelings. This is a terrible phenomenon that should cause us to think deeply. Parents denying their children\’s feelings will eventually cause their children to exhibit two extreme behaviors: first, low autonomy, lack of autonomy, lack of independence, lack of self-confidence, cowardice, low self-esteem, inner depression, and psychological over-reliance on parents; second, easy-going They become resentful, contradict their parents, show resistance, often confront their parents, are eager to escape, and produce more rebellious behaviors. The so-called denial of feelings means that parents intentionally or unintentionally ignore, deny or replace the inner feelings, psychological experiences and true thoughts expressed by their children. Denial of feelings is a means for parents to exert psychological control over their children. In addition to denying feelings, common methods used by parents to control their children\’s psychology include withdrawing love, suppressing thinking, inducing guilt, expressing disappointment, stimulating anxiety, losing temper, and over-analyzing motives. Parents who adopt psychological control education methods not only show low response to their children\’s emotional and psychological needs, but also limit their children\’s expression of their own emotions, feelings and opinions. Some psychologists point out that psychological control will hinder children\’s psychological growth, inhibit the development of children\’s sense of self-worth, lead to many psychosocial dysfunctions in children, and is a negative behavior that affects the parent-child relationship between parents and children. The family should not be a \”cage\” set up in the name of love, let alone control the lives of children in the name of love. In family education, some parents control everything about their children, tangibly or invisibly, from daily life clothing, hobbies, personal needs, to professional and work choices, and do not allow children to have the right to choose and make decisions. Perhaps this is because parents love their children, but this kind of love is terrifying to think about because it is too selfish, too lethal, too scary, too terrifying, too full, and it will make children feel suffocated. A study by the University of London in the UK found that controlling parents can easily cause long-term psychological harm to their children.Finally, there is a lack of autonomy, strong dependence, and low happiness. Psychologically controlling parents often occupy a dominant position in the parent-child relationship. They often point fingers at their children, are sarcastic, monitor them all the time, interfere with and restrict their children\’s independent choices and decisions, and force their children to feel and view problems according to their own way of thinking, leading to Children\’s trust in their parents and their willingness to communicate with their parents are relatively low. Psychologists have found that parents who often control their children\’s psychology are likely to cultivate children with strong controlled motivation. Such children are more driven by others in learning, reading, and doing things in order to gain the approval of others and to satisfy other people\’s needs. Needs, such as not to disappoint parents, not to make parents sad, not to live up to parents\’ expectations, etc., are not driven by self-internal motivations, in order to achieve one\’s own goals, in order to gain self-affirmation and recognition. In family education, many parents tend to make the mistake of being eager to preach when faced with their children\’s problems and mistakes. They then criticize and make excuses, denying, belittling or ignoring the children\’s psychological feelings, which makes them unwilling to accept their parents\’ problems. They feel that their parents do not understand them at all, there is no common discourse with their parents, effective parent-child communication is impossible, and it is difficult to obtain ideal educational results. Family education requires parents to first have a spiritual \”resonance\” with their children. They must listen attentively to what their children have to say, without interrupting, evaluating, labeling, or jumping to conclusions prematurely. They should give children the opportunity to fully talk and vent their negative emotions. They must not only listen to What they say also includes the feelings in the words. From the children\’s words and deeds, they can understand their emotions, understand their feelings, and respond positively, using appropriate language to express the same feelings to the children. The purpose of the response is to let the children know The parents do listen and understand what he says and accept his feelings. Parents\’ sensibility is an important foundation and effective tool for educating children. The perceptuality mentioned here means that parents have high emotional acuity and empathy, can recognize and actively respond to their children\’s psychological needs, and understand and accept their children\’s psychological feelings. It does not mean that parents are simple-minded and superficial in thinking. , unable to see the essence of things. When communicating with their children, parents with high emotional intelligence can show adequate empathy, put themselves in their children\’s shoes, be good at observing, empathizing, and considerate of their children, understand, accept, and support their children. Pay keen attention to and understand the child\’s inner feelings and true emotions. Even if the child expresses poorly or fails to explain clearly, he can accurately perceive and understand, and will not repeatedly ask, question, press or question. Parents who are highly emotional will always respect, understand, and accept their children from their children\’s perspective. Psychologically, they will first ask themselves: \”What does my child need?\” rather than just \”What do I want to do for my child?\” They will think from the child\’s perspective, \”If I heard my parents ask me this How will I feel if I ask for it?\” They will use the child\’s reasonable needs and inner feelings as the criterion for value judgment, rather than their own values. When children have problems or mistakes, parents with high emotionality rarely treat their childrenThey will not scold or beat their children, nor will they rely on \”evil\” ways to use high pressure and force to solve problems. They will use wise parenting methods to effectively communicate with their children based on a good parent-child relationship. Communicate so that problems can be resolved well. Parents with low emotionality have a stiff attitude when talking to their children, their voices are high, their tone is oppressive and commanding, and their words are full of judgment. Parents with low perceptuality mostly base their demands on their children on their own subjective thoughts. They self-righteously believe that \”parents are not wrong. I am doing this for your own good. If I want you to do this, you have to do this.\” Understand their feelings from the child’s perspective. In short, family education must first empathize and then educate. Only when parents and children have a psychological resonance can they be willing to have effective parent-child communication with their parents and accept their parents\’ education with sincerity. Parents should learn to be emotional people and not to psychologically control their children. They should first understand, experience and accept their children\’s true feelings, and then communicate effectively, which will achieve good educational results.

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