One night a few days ago, Orange\’s father went out for a walk and met a mother and son who were having a conflict. As he walked, he found a little boy sitting on a bench by the roadside, leaning on his knees with his hands and his back facing pedestrians, motionless, leaving a stubborn back to the pedestrians. The little boy\’s posture aroused the curiosity of Orange\’s father. He walked over and asked, \”Is it just you? Where is your mother?\” The little boy turned his face to one side and ignored him. Dad Chengzi looked around and found a middle-aged woman standing dozens of meters away. It seemed that she should be the mother of the little boy. He strolled over and chatted with the mother: \”Is the little guy yours?\” (What a gossip) \”Yes.\” Apparently the mother was also angry. \”What\’s wrong? Are you angry?\” \”Well, you\’re angry with yourself.\” Dad Chengzi said: \”Go and coax him.\” \”Ignore him, the more you control him, the worse he will get.\” \”Why are you angry?\” (Sigh again) Orange Dad’s Gossip Spirit) The mother said: “The cake I bought for him fell to the ground without holding it. Let me buy another one.” “Then buy him another one.” “I won’t buy it for him. .\” \”It\’s okay not to buy it for him. You have to talk to him.\” \”I told him. I told him that you accidentally dropped it on the ground, and I didn\’t drop it for you. You You should bear the consequences, and the consequence is that you can’t buy any more today. If he doesn’t do it, he will get angry with me.” As the mother was talking, Father Orange noticed that the little boy suddenly jumped off the bench and ran to the side. Went behind the bushes. He quickly reminded the mother: \”Go and find him quickly, the little guy ran away.\” The mother bounced up like a spring and ran over quickly. After Chengzi\’s father came back, he accidentally mentioned a few words about this matter. I was very interested, so I caught him and asked him to try his best to restore the scene and conversation at that time (I am also quite gossipy). In my opinion, the stalemate between mother and son is a typical power struggle, and there is a lot to consider in it. The so-called power struggle, to put it simply, means \”who has the final say\” and \”whoever listens\”. It is so common in our lives. It is hidden among husbands and wives, between parents and children, and among friends. Especially between parents and children, it is a hot spot for power struggles. Because parents naturally have the right and obligation to discipline their children, many parents believe that it is natural and natural for parents to discipline their children and for children to obey their parents. It is right for parents to discipline their children, but they often overlook a prerequisite: respect. Because, no matter how young a child is, he is still an individual with an independent personality and has his own needs, emotions and wishes. The struggle for power, on the surface, is about who has the final say and who listens to whom. In essence, both sides want the other to satisfy their own needs first. Take this angry mother and son as an example. On the surface, it seems that they are in a stalemate over whether to buy another cake, but in fact, they both have inner needs that they want each other to satisfy. Mom\’s need is: You need to obey my authority so that I can feel good and have the dignity of being a parent. The child\’s needs are: I want to prove that my mother loves me by asking my mother to agree to my request. Looking deeper, the needs of mothers and children are actually the same.——They all long to be recognized and accepted. Unfortunately, neither the child nor the mother realized that the conflict was caused by a piece of cake. The focus of the conflict was \”should I buy another piece of cake?\” Therefore, even if the mother is forced to buy a cake for the child this time, or the child hides, forcing the mother to find him, and the two get back together, the actual problem is not resolved, but is temporarily stranded. Next time, it will happen again because of something. It broke out over a small incident. There is always a power struggle between parents and children. What are the consequences? Children may have several ways of coping. The first is to lose the battle with your mother, learn to suppress your needs, and take the initiative to reconcile with your mother. From the mother\’s point of view, her authority has been maintained and the child has become sensible. This may seem like a good thing, but the price may be that the child\’s independent personality and emotional needs are suppressed again and again, making the child dependent, unassertive, and submissive to authority. Before I studied psychology, my relationship with Orange was like this. We often got into power struggles. I remember, when Chengzi was more than a year old, I got angry because of something. He sat on the ground and held out his hands for me to hug. I was so angry that I refused to hug him. While crying, Chengzi ran over, ran a few steps away from me, sat on the ground again, and stretched out his hands for me to hug. My stubbornness has also increased, but I just won’t hug him. Finally, Orange ran to me, sat at my feet, hugged my legs and cried. Then I hugged him perfunctorily. Now that I think about it, I really blame myself: How could I be so cruel and follow my own temper and insist on competing with my children to win or lose? I won the power struggle, but I lost it dramatically. After Chengzi got older, I found that when I got angry, Chengzi would say obediently: \”Mom, don\’t be angry, I was wrong.\” This made me feel very uncomfortable. In the past few years, I have continued to learn, grow, and change , put a lot of effort into making Cheng Zi become assertive, giving him the courage to say \”no\”, and letting him win. I don’t want you to take such a detour again. The second type is when the child cries and makes a fuss, forcing the mother to compromise. If the mother compromises, with this successful experience, the child will use this method to win the \”war\” next time. If the mother doesn\’t compromise next time, then increase the intensity and escalate the crying. Over time, children will ignore rules and order, become self-centered, and think that the world revolves around them. The third type is to fall into a stalemate, resist implicitly, and save the country through curves. Just like this little boy, when he found that his mother had not come to find him for a long time, he hid and asked his mother to come to find him in a hurry to resolve the deadlock. When he finds that this is effective, and next time he encounters a similar situation, he may use new stimuli to force his mother to compromise, such as running away from home, such as not eating or drinking, making you anxious and angry, and worried, to see if you can compromise. compromise. In short, there is no winner in the power struggle, both sides suffer. Even if one side wins on the surface, it actually loses more than this small victory. So how to avoid power struggles? We can start with these things. First, be aware of the rules and regulations in your mind. When there are too many judgments and rules of right and wrong in our minds. When we encounter something, we will subconsciously make a judgment and frame itIf it goes in, it is right, if it does not fit in, it is wrong, and the child\’s behavior must be \”corrected\”. In short, I think that I am the right and only right person, and others should do what I think – especially children. Is it possible that things can be interpreted from multiple perspectives? Is there more than one solution? Are other people\’s ideas reasonable? Fixed thinking will inevitably lead to a power struggle, because you don\’t see other people, and the other party will inevitably resist in order to satisfy their own wishes. How to detect it? One trick is to pay attention to the key words in your ideas. When you find that there are too many \”shoulds\” and \”musts\” in your thoughts, you have to remind yourself, does this \”must\” be done according to your own thoughts? Just like this mother and son. The mother believes that the child \”shouldn\’t\” drop the cake on the floor, and he \”must\” be punished for it. Otherwise, he will not have a long memory and will \”definitely\” do it again next time. These fixed thoughts have led to the mother\’s rigid and single approach to dealing with the problem. For the same thing, other people may think that this is not a big deal. There is no need to go online and just buy another one. I have discussed this matter in the reader group, and the first reaction of many mothers is: just buy another cake, and remind the children to take care of it, and that\’s it. When our minds are more flexible and tolerant, many power struggles become invisible. Second, appropriately delegate power and give children more choices. The child wants to buy another cake, but the mother disagrees. Obviously, the decision of whether to buy it or not lies with the mother. The child has only two choices: resist, or obey. At this time, the relationship between mother and child is antagonistic. The focus of the child\’s attention is naturally focused on the mother. Is it possible for mothers to appropriately delegate power to their children? Within a certain range, let the children decide for themselves. In this way, the child\’s attention returns to himself. He will repeatedly consider how to choose to make himself more satisfied, and at the same time, he also learns to be responsible for his own choices. At this time, the relationship between mother and child changes from opposition to alliance. Mothers can guide their children, provide advice for their children, help them make better choices, and invisibly promote the parent-child relationship. For example, every time a child goes to the supermarket, he will clamor for something and cry and make a fuss if he is not given something to buy. This leads to a power struggle. If the mother changes her strategy, before going to the supermarket, tell her child that your pocket money limit today is ten yuan, and you decide what you want to buy. Or, you can only buy two delicious ones today, but you can choose what to buy in a hurry. In doing so, power struggles can be greatly avoided. Third, when caught in a power struggle, parents should be aware of it in time and remind themselves: What are their children fighting for? What needs of the child are not being met? Be good at seeing the essence through phenomena. Through the child\’s unreasonable behavior, you can see what he desires. These things are often nothing more than this: love, recognition, acceptance, respect. On the surface, the children are fighting for a piece of cake, but in fact, what they are fighting for is their mother\’s love. He wanted his mother to agree to his request so he could feel her love for him. When he can\’t feel it, he will use various methods to ask for it, such as cryingHe made a fuss, got angry with his mother, and hid so that his mother could find him. In the eyes of my mother, these behaviors are unreasonable and reckless. Therefore, we should pay attention to cultivating an equal and mutually respectful relationship with our children in daily life, discuss and discuss problems with our children, and listen more to our children\’s opinions. For example, when the situation really does not allow you to go back and buy another cake, explain the reason to your child and tell him that we will buy it next time. Generally speaking, children will be reasonable and understanding. Because he has always felt the respect of his parents and has sufficient psychological nutrition, he will not be triggered by trivial things to feel a sense of lack. He always wants to use these things to demand and prove his parents\’ love for him. In short, if we often get into power struggles with our children, we have to reflect: Do we often impose our will on our children, under the guise of \”doing it for your own good\”? Are you ignoring your children’s thoughts and feelings and thinking that they know nothing? Do you want to get a sense of certainty, authority, and control from your children? If you don’t want to have a rebellious child, if you don’t want to have nothing to say to your child and quarrel after you can’t say more than three sentences, then please start from now on, reduce the power struggle, truly change yourself, and respect your child.