• Tue. Dec 5th, 2023

How do mothers with high emotional intelligence lose their temper?


Oct 1, 2023

All along, various educational books and articles have emphasized the importance of emotional stability, warning parents not to lose their temper at their children casually, as it will affect their physical and mental health. Therefore, parents work hard to learn emotional management in life and try their best not to lose their temper, but they find that it is really difficult! Many parents have felt frustrated and distressed by this: Must-Read Parenting Book Recommended Don’t Think You Understand Your Child’s Heart e-book download “I often can’t help but lose my temper with my child when I’m tutoring him on homework or when he gets into trouble, and I regret it very much afterwards. I feel like I am not a good father/mother, and all the educational knowledge I usually learn is in vain.” In the real world, life is fast-paced and stressful. People are not machines. There are always times when they are fragile, helpless, and irrational. It is almost impossible to strictly not lose your temper. It is not terrible to lose your temper occasionally. As long as you pay attention to using reasonable methods, grasp the sense of proportion, and sincerely express your feelings and expectations, parents\’ emotions will be smoother and they will also give their children correct and timely guidance. The problem with most parents is that they don\’t express their emotions in an appropriate way and just vent them blindly. Yelling and scolding children frequently and casually is naturally not advisable. How do parents with high emotional intelligence lose their temper? Face your child honestly and tell him the real reason. In life, we are all familiar with such a scene: a father was criticized by his boss at work during the day and his bonus was deducted. Thinking of the family\’s financial situation, he was very stressed. I came home from get off work and tutored my children with their homework. There was a question that I couldn\’t understand how to teach my children. My emotions suddenly exploded, so I scolded my children: \”What a stupid person! Pig brain!\” A mother took care of her children alone during the day and had to do housework. She was physically and mentally exhausted. All tired. In the evening, the child would take his mother out to play and keep crying. The mother couldn\’t help but get angry and began to accuse the child: \”Why are you going out to play? Why are you so disobedient!\” If you observe closely, you will find that in many cases, the child is not the parent. The source of negative emotions is just the \”trigger\” that triggers emotions, but because of being in a weak position, he is forced to become the \”punching bag\” and becomes the most innocent victim. As Teacher Fan Deng said: \”90% of parents scolding their children are venting their anger. They are venting their frustration, incompetence, and powerlessness onto the child opposite.\” As a parent, in addition to children\’s education issues, When faced with the chaos of life, there will inevitably be times when you can’t control your emotions and have no energy to meet your children’s needs. This is normal. If parents can be honest with their children and admit their own limitations, such as failing to control their emotions and having limited energy to meet his needs, it will have little impact on their children. The child will realize: This is the parent’s own problem, not my fault. For example: \”Dad is not going well at work today and is in a bad mood.\” \”Mom is a little tired now and doesn\’t have the energy to go out to play with you anymore.\” Tell the child the real reason honestly, and the child will gradually understand: Did the parents do a good job or not? things that cannot be achieved, so we learn to accept the frustration caused by \”not meeting needs\” and get in touch with the real world. From another perspective, parents showing their true selves to their children and showing vulnerability will also deepen the relationship between parent and child, and the children will learn to understand their parents.Learn how to care and be considerate of your parents. In the book \”Being Strong But Not Domineering Parents\”, there is also an example: a mother was very upset about work problems, and her daughter came to her crying to play. Ordinary parents would most likely take their anger out on their children, but this mother didn\’t do that. She said seriously to her child: \”Sally, mom is very impatient and in a bad mood right now, but it\’s not your fault. I\’m angry with people in the office. This is so annoying. I have to think about it.\” After hearing these words, the child immediately put away his emotions, made a face to his mother, and then took the initiative to go back to the house without disturbing her any more. However, most parents, like the examples cited above, choose the most inappropriate and harmful approach to their children, refuse to admit their own shortcomings, and put all the responsibility on their children. The subtext is: \”The reason why I lose my temper is because you are stupid, ignorant, and make unreasonable demands.\” Weak children will accept these accusations completely and think that their parents\’ emotions are caused by themselves, and thus feel guilty and ashamed. Even self-denial. Therefore, parents do not have to be perfect when it comes to losing their temper, but they must learn to be honest, know how to think about the source of emotions, and not put the blame on their children. Four steps to learn to lose your temper correctly. In daily life, when you feel that your emotions are about to get out of control, you can follow these four steps: Step 1: Press the pause button and give yourself a buffer time. There is a term in psychology called: \”Six Second Rule\”, which means to delay making a decision for 6 seconds when encountering something that makes you angry or angry. These 6 seconds of golden time allow people to be aware of their emotions and effectively avoid making wrong decisions due to anger. This method is also very effective when educating children. When parents are emotionally \”getting up\”, don\’t rush to say or do anything. Press the pause button, take a deep breath, and calm yourself down. You can leave the original place and go to a quiet room to stay for a while, or drink a glass of water. Then, ask yourself three questions: Where do my emotions come from? Is it really because of the child in front of me? How to express it next will be more conducive to children\’s acceptance? Generally speaking, after this period of time, by withdrawing from emotions and becoming aware, the anger will weaken a lot, and aggressive language and violent behavior towards the child can be effectively avoided. The second step is to avoid judgment and blame starting with \”you\” and objectively describe the reality you see. Wrong: \”Why don\’t you care about cleanliness so much?\” \”You\’re so lazy.\” \”You always put things around.\” Correct: \”I saw you kneeling on the floor again and soiling your clothes.\” \”Your room hasn\’t been tidied up yet.\” \”You put the pillows in the room in the living room.\” When parents are angry, they are most likely to blame their children, jump to conclusions at will, and put negative labels. Not only is this not conducive to solving the problem, but it will also arouse the children\’s rebellious psychology and make them unable to listen to the parents\’ words. . Parents only need to objectively state the reality and let their children know where their problems lie, which is more conducive to their children\’s acceptance. The third step is to clearly express your true feelings. Instead of blaming your children, it is better to express your feelings frankly. Children will gradually learn to be considerate of their parents and change their behavior. For example: \”This makes me a little angry\” \”I feel tired from having to clean the living room all the time\”In this way, the child can clearly understand the parent\’s feelings. The fourth step is to tell what you want the child to do. The more specific the better. This step is to point out the direction to the child and let the child understand what the correct approach is. For example: \”I hope you can get rid of the bad habit of kneeling on the floor\” \”Remember to clean your room today\” \”I hope you will put things back where they were after you take them\” In general, the correct way to lose your temper is It is parents who express their feelings and expectations through appropriate language, so that their children understand the problem and are willing to make changes. In this process, you can be serious and firm, but try to avoid verbal derogation and personality attacks. This will make it easier for the children to accept it, and it will also help the children learn to be considerate of their parents. The key to maintaining emotional stability is to cultivate your own heart. The fundamental reason why it is difficult for a person to maintain emotional stability lies in inner fear: dissatisfaction with reality, uncertainty about the future, and inner anxiety. Parents are actually the same. Children are naughty, behave poorly, and get poor grades…these are just symptoms. Fearful parents will unconsciously project their own anxiety and uneasiness onto the weakest and most controllable children: they hope in their children\’s performance to eliminate their own insecurities and uncertainties. Only when you see your children excelling and working hard as you expect, will you feel at ease and happy. Otherwise, you will feel nervous, restless, irritable and irritable. As a result, we see parents constantly \”chicken babies\” and enrolling their children in various training classes for fear that their children will fall behind. Essentially, it is the parents who place all the responsibility for their own emotions on their children. Under such pressure, children study hard not out of love for knowledge, but to satisfy their parents\’ expectations and reassure them, while their true feelings and needs have been suppressed. Over time, the body and mind will become overwhelmed. There is a sentence in the book \”Being Strong But Not Overbearing Parents\”: \”Children are independent people with self-awareness. They may not necessarily develop in the direction we expect, nor are they a guarantee of our happiness.\” Children are also a person with unique characteristics. Individuals with independent personalities have their own life tasks to complete. Parents should be responsible for their own emotions instead of expecting to gain a sense of security and value from their children. Such unreasonable \”wish\” will only lead to disappointment. If you want to be an emotionally stable parent, the most important thing is to look back at yourself and find the problems that make you fearful and uneasy, work more on yourself, and improve your sense of security and worth through practical actions. Parent-child writer Cai Yingqing once said: \”Stable emotions should be slowly learned and developed in a deep self-expectation and sincere self-reflection. If we have such expectations and introspection, we will slowly be able to maintain a peaceful mood.\” Go communicate and interact with your children.\” Click \”Like\”, you must know that no parent can perfectly control emotions, bravely admit his imperfections, and be willing to learn with humility and do better every time. For children, it is That\’s enough.

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