• Sat. Dec 9th, 2023

How to be a good parent


Oct 1, 2023

In the past two years, I have been exploring the impact of various emotions on people and relationships. In the role of a parent, I have found that the most destructive emotion is anxiety. Some people will ask: \”Isn\’t anger and fear destructive?\” My understanding is: the reason why parents are anxious is because there is fear behind them. Once there is fear, they are easily angered. These three emotions form a cycle, which is the main culprit that causes physical and mental damage to individuals and strained parent-child relationships. Many people say that today’s education makes people anxious. I would say that anxiety is the biggest stumbling block to family education. Who is likely to be susceptible to anxiety? Some people have seen various negative reports and remarks in the media in the past and assume that all parents will be anxious and worried about their children\’s learning and future development. Over the years, as I have gained an in-depth understanding of various families, I have discovered that not everyone suffers from anxiety, and that those who are susceptible to anxiety actually have some common patterns. First: People who feel confused about their lives once knew a friend. I saw that she had enrolled her daughter in kindergarten into five interest classes, so I asked her: \”Is your daughter interested in all of these?\” She replied : \”I don\’t know, but she refuses everyone, so I will repay her.\” When the child reached the third grade of elementary school, the problem came. She said that she also wanted to give the child three additional lessons in math, English and English. , but the time can’t be arranged. I asked her again: \”So what do you usually do?\” She said: \”Last year I thought about going to work, but then I thought it was too late to get off work. Then I wanted to do a part-time micro-business, but I felt it was quite shameless. , I want to open a shop this year, but now I am still hesitating whether to open a fried chicken shop or a milk tea shop.\” I suddenly understood why she was eager to enroll her children in so many classes, because she was at a loss. She has no direction in her own life, so when raising her children, she is easily influenced by others, thus losing her direction and becoming an anxious follower of the trend. Second: Parents who are themselves frail and sickly will be very anxious about their children\’s health. A German mother’s experience in teaching honesty and self-discipline: Teach good children who are strong + independent + tolerant + thrifty. If one of the parents is frail and sick, it will be difficult for that person to have a positive mentality, and once he himself has a chronic disease, he will It is difficult to give children freedom. For example, the mother of one of my readers has rheumatism, so she has asked her daughter to wear more clothes since she was a child. She is not allowed to wear skirts in summer because her mother believes that once she gets cold, she will get rheumatism. There is also a friend whose mother has a gastric ulcer. She will get stomach pains whenever she eats cold or spicy food, so her son has no freedom of his own when it comes to eating. They must eat whole grains, and are not allowed to eat cold or spicy food. They are even strict about what time they have to get up in the morning to eat. Later, the child became very resistant emotionally and was very picky about food. Although his mother arranged three carefully nutritious meals a day, he became extremely thin and even malnourished under the influence of his mother\’s anxiety and control. Third: Dissatisfied with his current situation If a person is dissatisfied with his current situation, he will worry about the future of his children. Because parents are role models for their children, if the parents themselves do notIf he lives a satisfactory life and does not find a career that can utilize his talents and earn enough wealth, it will be difficult for him to have a positive attitude. He will use his limited knowledge to deduce that the world is lacking, uncertain, and even painful. In order to prevent his children from repeating his own life pattern, he will make a lot of efforts: for example, he will spend a lot of time and energy tutoring his children in their studies, find tutoring classes and training classes for them, and even compete with other families in terms of educational investment. Strive for your children to be better than other children academically so that you can feel superior and cover up your own failures. Just like in the TV series \”Meeting Happiness\”, Xiao Qing\’s parents consciously cared about their daughter and used their limited salary to enroll her in various cram schools and art training classes. In exchange, their daughter gave up college and went to a vocational high school. Then get married early and have children. When Xiao Qing recalled her childhood, her understanding of her parents was that they were dissatisfied with her life, so they forced her to work hard, and every time a guest came, they dressed her up as a princess and used her as their own capital to show off. So what are non-anxious parents like? First: I love life. I have observed some parents. Their children may not be proficient in music, chess, calligraphy and painting, but they must be positive, optimistic, relaxed and happy. If you explore the lifestyle of their parents, you will find the answer. Their parents love life very much. Just like the national good father Fangyuan in \”Little Joy\”, he can talk to flowers, birds, fish and insects, can play chess alone, and can take his wife to drink together to release his emotions when the family\’s finances are most difficult. These all show that he I am full of love for life and life. These parents who love life have a healthy self and sufficient sense of security, so they rarely feel anxious about their children\’s future. As for the love of life, most of them have the following characteristics: 1. They agree that the world is diverse and that in addition to competition, people are more friendly and cooperative. 2. Keep close to you when you have interests and hobbies, and will not worry about or stare at your children 24 hours a day. 3. Have good interpersonal relationships, and you can communicate with trustworthy people for help when encountering challenges and difficulties. 4. People who like nature and are good at connecting with nature are not only healthy, but also not trapped by stress and anxiety. As long as you meet the above two points, you can basically judge that you are not an anxious parent. Second: Have clear parenting goals. Jane Nelson, author of \”Positive Discipline\” said: Many parents are dissatisfied with their children\’s performance in all aspects and are very worried about their future. I asked them: \”What kind of children do you want to cultivate?\” Where is the child? Have you thought about it?\” As a result, most of the parents shook their heads, saying that they had not thought about it. Some people argued: \”It is because the child\’s condition is very bad now, so I can\’t see any hope.\” So she suggested The first thing for parents who come to the class is to find the goals and direction of their own parenting. These goals have nothing to do with the child\’s scores and rankings, but some soft skills that will help the child adapt to society: excellent personality characteristics. For example, responsibility and responsibility, humor and cheerfulness, diligence and enterprising… When parents describe or write theseWhen reading these words, their expressions will naturally relax, and their attention will turn to the children\’s behaviors and characteristics that are consistent with these goals. A survey by a family education magazine found that parents who established moral-related parenting goals from the beginning were less prone to anxiety, and their children were often better able to adapt to society because of those qualities. Third: Very confident. If a parent is confident in himself, he will not be influenced and interfered by the people around him, and he will not change his orders day and night. He will learn this for his children today, but then regrets it tomorrow and wants to teach his children that. In addition, when a child\’s performance is not outstanding in the eyes of others and his grades are not outstanding, based on his confidence in himself, he will have an overall view and see the advantages in the child that others cannot see. For example, in Finland, which ranks first in the world in education, a teacher there said: “Even if a child is not good at math, science, or art, I can still explore his creativity and expression ability. There is also his love, no child is not outstanding.\” This is the confidence of an educator. Back at home, when parents agree with their own educational philosophy and agree that they are the best parents for their children, on this basis, their children will also be considered the best children. Parents will block out the obvious advantages of other children and will not be affected by other people\’s educational concepts. And their children can strive to be as confident and positive people as their parents in the most relaxed environment. To sum up, if you encounter some difficulties and challenges in parenting but your emotions are not stable enough, you can check the previous three points to see if you are an anxiety-prone person. If you are sure that you are suffering from anxiety, you can follow the following steps to make self-adjustments. In short, if we want our children to have an ideal state and have a harmonious parent-child relationship, the most important thing we need to do is to adjust our emotional state. This is just like when we cultivate trees, we must first loosen the soil to allow oxygen to enter the soil and allow the tree roots to have room to develop. When there is more space, the roots of the trees will take root deeper and the trees will grow taller and stronger. I wish all children can have relaxed and optimistic parents and a bright and sunny future!

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