How to be a smart parent? All they really do is \”indulge\” children to waste time

How many parents are worried that their children will not be taken care of when they are not in school, and they wish they could put a pair of eyes on their children so that they can keep an eye on them to see if their children have not made good plans and will waste their children\’s holidays. Some parents have arranged various itineraries and cram schools for their children before the holiday, but in the blink of an eye, the balance of the holiday is down to the last day. Let alone planning, the children have not even finished their homework. , and I feel that my children have wasted their vacation time. But is time really wasted? Today, let’s analyze whether children’s time is wasted? A friend was very troubled and told me that her 8-year-old son had serious behavioral problems. He was not as obedient at home as he was when he was a child, and he was acting up all over the house. The teacher said that he was naughty and mischievous in class, could not stop for a moment, was unfriendly to his classmates, had a rude attitude and often had physical conflicts. This is a very serious problem in American schools, so the teacher reported it to the school\’s psychologist and principal. The psychologist conducted a comprehensive assessment of the child and suspected that the child had ADHD. He recommended that the parents take the child to the hospital for further examination and diagnosis. My friend knew that I had researched on the education of special children, worked as a volunteer in a special class at school, and had come into contact with various children with behavioral problems, so she invited me to her house to see if her son really had a problem. At her home, I saw that the mother took care of the child very carefully and thoughtfully. She arranged everything for the child, including what to study at this time and what to do after finishing it, including when to eat snacks and when to go to the toilet. , all have timetables. While we were chatting, her eyes kept following her son. The child was doing his homework very seriously at first. After a while, he became a little distracted. His mother immediately reminded him gently: \”You have to concentrate on your homework and play after you finish it.\” After a few times, the child began to jump up and down, and the mother began to whisper softly. The words gradually turned into loud yelling, but the child didn\’t listen. The child ran into his house and kicked the door shut with a bang. His mother immediately followed him and told him not to close the door, and that she could only see him anytime and anywhere. My mother told me that she was worried that her children would get into trouble in the house and it would be unsafe. My son ran to the basement to play, and my mother immediately pulled me down to look at the child. I asked this mother: \”If you are at work, you work under the nose of your boss. He is always watching your every move. Once you stretch yourself or drink some water, the boss will cough or come over to ask. , leaving you no time to relax. What will happen to you at the end of the day? Will you feel uncomfortable all over your body? If things go on like this, will you go crazy and feel depressed and want to shout?\” I said, \”You stare like this all the time. The child\’s every move will have the same feeling, or it may be more serious, because children are much more sensitive than us adults.\” Montessori, the famous Italian educationist, believes that children have a spiritual embryo as soon as they are born, among which It contains the secret code of spiritual growth. Children can unlock this code only through their own actions, feelings and thinking. Therefore, the child\’s free exploration is very important, because this is the only way for the spiritual embryo to develop. Children need uninterrupted time and spacetime to develop his inner qualities and personality traits. The fundamental reason why my friend\’s child moves around and is disobedient is that he is too irritated by his mother\’s intense gaze. In fact, not only children, but adults also need time alone, to be in a daze or have random thoughts, so that they can completely relax themselves. This is what the human inner spiritual world needs. A very strict person will sing loudly in the shower because he knows that he is completely isolated from others in that space and time, and no one will break in, so he is particularly relaxed and will do things he does not usually do. matter. Everyone needs moments like this. Many mothers, like my friend, have a strong sense of urgency in educating their children and hope that their children can use their time effectively. Children don\’t know what effective concepts are, so they are all designed by adults, who arrange the children\’s work and rest time fully and supervise the whole process. The mother\’s eyes are always on the child. Even when doing housework or answering the phone, the mother\’s eyes are always on the child. If the child becomes distracted and writes slower, the mother will remind and criticize. Children can still do some tricks at school when the teacher is not paying attention. They can also control their own time during recess. They can go out to run and jump to get some air and have some breathing time. However, at home, they are closely watched by their mothers and cannot breathe at all. Chance. Some such children will succumb to parental pressure and become silent and withdrawn, while many other children will show behavioral problems such as hyperactivity and aggression like the child above. Children are human beings, and everyone wants to have their own independent will and realize their own personal will. This is the fundamental driving force of life. If parents impose their will on their children, they are damaging the child\’s vitality and depriving the child of his right to life. The child will instinctively resist because he needs to have space to live mentally and spiritually. Most children\’s behavioral problems are related to the suppression of their personal will. Even in terms of developing children\’s intelligence, which many parents are concerned about, children still need some time to be alone with nothing to do. Playing with your fingers, looking at the wall in a daze, scribbling and drawing… This time is not wasted. It is the moment when the child\’s life is breathing freely, the moment when the child\’s personality is freely developing, and the moment when the child\’s imagination The moment when strength and creativity are formed! In the time he has free control, he has no pressure and can freely express his ideas in various ways, soar in the space of imagination and develop his creativity. At this time, his heart is unrestrained and his mind and personality can be Only then will there be real development and wisdom can be opened. Montessori\’s education model is recognized around the world because it conforms to the growth and development laws of children. The basic principles of her educational theory are: caregivers should minimize interference with children, give children maximum freedom, and respect them. The self-development process allows them to develop their potential and learn to be independent. If adults interfere too much with children, their vitality will be suppressed and they will gradually lose their desire and ability to be autonomous, which is devastating to the child\’s inner growth. Nowadays, some people describe themselves as adults on the outside but the inner thinking mode is still the same.People who are babies are called \”giant babies\”. Like babies, they only care about their own needs and think that the outside world should take care of them…Why don\’t the inner parts of these children grow up with their bodies? That\’s because parents have been replacing their children\’s will with their own will, killing their children\’s personal will in the cradle. The rebellious psychology of many children is actually a resistance to their parents\’ excessive control and a tenacious struggle against the children\’s suppressed vitality. Sometimes this kind of resistance is difficult to take effect because of the strength of the parents, but it will be delayed until a certain period in the future and burst out all at once. I know a friend in the United States. He has shown talent in mathematics since he was a child. His parents sent him to learn the Mathematical Olympiad early. His childhood and teenage spare time were almost spent solving problems. He said that his parents did not allow him to waste any time and arranged his daily time down to the minute. For example, when he got up in the morning, he only had ten minutes to get dressed, wash his face, and brush his teeth. His daily dinner must be eaten within fifteen minutes. His parents set a series of goals for him when he was very young, including short-term goals and long-term goals, which were subdivided into one-year, three-year goals, ten-year, fifteen-year, and twenty-year goals. These include which schools to go to in primary school, junior high school, high school, and university, what awards to win, etc. He has won numerous awards in the Mathematical Olympiad. He once represented China in the Mathematical Olympiad competition and achieved impressive results. Therefore, when he went to college, he was given the choice of major domestic universities. After he went to college, his mother deliberately moved to rent a house with him in the city where the school was located, and did not allow him to live in the school so that he could manage his studies and life more easily. He said that as soon as the class was over, his mother\’s phone call would come in. His mother knew all the activities inside and outside school. After graduating from college, he applied to study in the United States. This time, his parents were beyond their reach and could not supervise him, and he started herding sheep from then on. His tutor was a Nobel Prize winner. He was very strict with himself and had high demands on his students. He felt a lot of pressure and disliked it, so he applied to change departments on his own halfway through. It took him eight years to complete the doctorate degree that his classmate completed in four or five years. Then I became a postdoc after a postdoc, dawdling around every day, just getting by. The salary of a postdoctoral fellow is enough to support himself. He neither looks for a job nor plans for the future. His girlfriend broke up while they were talking, and he doesn\’t care. He spends his free time playing games, chess, and forums online. When his parents came to the United States to visit relatives, they were heartbroken to see him wasting his time. They cheered him up by telling him how his classmates were successful in China. He did not speak in front of his parents and allowed them to teach him a lesson, but he never invited them to come to the United States again. Occasionally, when he calls back, as soon as his parents talk about work or the future, he hangs up the phone immediately. He once jokingly told a group of our friends: \”Since I was a child, I have been studying and living against the clock. I have always had a goal waiting in front of me. Now I have to change my life and waste time. Living without a goal.\” His parents were once very proud of their parenting style and believed that their excellent time management model contributed to their child\’s brilliant achievements. After he went to college,Many parents around him sent their children to his home for his father to supervise and tutor. But his parents did not realize at the time that the child had lost something more important because of this upbringing. His self and his subjective initiative were suppressed. When parents try to manipulate their children\’s time, if the parents are too strong, or if the child\’s inner strength is not that strong, the child will give in and obey the parents\’ arrangements. Such children will perform well in school and do not \”waste time\”, but when they wait When it\’s time for him to arrange his own time, like the child above, various problems will arise. On the contrary, those children with stronger inner self were disobedient and strongly resisted the control of their parents when they were young. Although their grades were not good enough at that time, their inner self was protected by themselves and they were given space to grow. The subsequent development of such children will often be very good. Because these children have relatively sound personalities. There are no specific indicators that can be verified, but they determine the quality of a child\’s life as an adult. Some people conclude that one of the reasons why Jobs\’ creativity is so powerful is that he has always maintained a world of his own. No matter when and where, he leaves himself time and space that is entirely his own without being disturbed by anyone, where he sits alone and meditates. The so-called \”meditation\” is the same as a child sitting there \”in a daze\”, but the wording is different. Hong Kong scholar Liang Wendao once said: \”Read some useless books, do some useless things, and spend some useless time, all in order to retain an opportunity to surpass yourself outside of everything known. Some of the most remarkable changes in life are From moments like this.\” What he expressed is: not only children need free play time, but adults also need it. This is not a waste of time and life, but a vital opportunity to open up the wisdom of life. Therefore, even if your children do not complete the tasks in each stage according to the schedule during this holiday, parents should not feel that their children have wasted their time!