A friend asked me, I am young and have not entered menopause like my mother, so why do I have a temper like a volcano like my mother? Is there something wrong with me? Recommended list of 50 must-read classic books in the New Year, treasure them for your children. My friend seems to be a little crazy about his inability to control his temper. After all, it is the age of struggling in life. I am afraid, he is also there. I worry that my temper will affect my youth. In fact, everyone who can\’t control his temper will feel the pain caused by a bad temper when he loses his temper. Therefore, people who lose their temper don\’t like to lose control of their emotions. However, they often can\’t really control their emotions just because they don\’t like it, because everyone who loses their temper always has a reason for losing their temper. We learned this expression from our family of origin. Each of us grew up in our family of origin. When we live with family members, we feel the relationship between ourselves and our family members, and we also observe the relationship between family members. Relationship. When we grow up, our biggest influences are usually our parents and siblings. When we are born, we are completely dependent on our caregivers for survival, so their words and actions have a very profound impact on us. At the same time, we will also learn how they deal with emotions during our interactions with them, and absorb these learned contents into our own inner world and become part of our own personality. In our own lives in the future, we will use the same method to deal with similar things. If a child grows up and sees that every time a problem arises between his parents, the parents\’ way of dealing with it is to quarrel and lose their temper. In his world, he will gradually develop a need to deal with conflicts. One way to interpret it is to resolve it by quarreling and losing temper. Therefore, when he becomes an adult, he will be accustomed to getting along with others in this way, because this way of dealing with things is familiar to him, and he lacks experience in other ways of dealing with things in his heart. Or, in the process of getting along with his brothers and sisters, when he had conflicts with other children, he accidentally discovered that when he lost his temper, the other children would become quiet in front of him, which would make him feel Safety. Therefore, this method of handling that he accidentally discovered can allow him to obtain the results he hopes to obtain, so he will apply this method more in his life, and gradually this method of losing temper will become One of his main ways of dealing with interpersonal friction. Losing one\’s temper because of fear arouses the urge to fight, just like the posture in a martial arts drama. The more the posture is, the weaker the inner skill may be. Sometimes, when a person starts to lose his temper, it is not because he is too strong, but because he is too afraid. This is a very primitive and natural way of dealing with danger within us. Whenever we encounter danger, our hearts begin to quickly evaluate: Have I encountered a similar situation to this danger before? Do I have the coping experience within me to deal with this danger? This is nothing at all if the result of the assessment isIt is so dangerous, and it is unlikely that this matter will have any impact on me. In that case, our way of handling it may be to laugh it off and not take it seriously at all. If the result of our assessment is that this matter is too dangerous and beyond my ability to handle it, and I have no relevant handling experience stored in my heart, then, at this time, we will choose to give up. Fight this danger and choose a way to avoid it. And when our internal assessment result is that this matter is very dangerous, but I am not unable to deal with it, but it is really difficult to deal with it, because this matter is indeed dangerous. At this time, we begin to mobilize the energy of the whole body and prepare to devote all our strength to the battle against this danger. This is the \”fight-flight\” response we often encounter in life. In life and work, we often encounter people who like to lose their temper. When we get along with them, it is obvious that something has happened to them, such as being criticized for work mistakes, or they have encountered some bad things. things to deal with. But the way they deal with it is not to find ways to solve the problem, but to lose their temper at others. Sometimes we think such people are unreasonable. In fact, their temper is precisely because of their inner weakness, and they need to resort to losing their temper. To cover up your inner fear that you have done something wrong or lacked ability. For them, losing their temper is like putting on a bulletproof vest. He can hide himself inside and not be hurt by external criticism. The reason why he needs such defense is precisely because in himself He feels that he himself is incapable and needs external protection to avoid danger. For example, if a husband has an affair, when his affair is discovered, his first reaction may be to lose his temper at his wife: \”You never care about my feelings!\” The reason why he lost his temper at this time was actually because he felt that he had done something wrong, and this wrong thing would be punished. In order to avoid punishment, he chose to put himself into a fighting state: losing his temper at his wife. , thereby alleviating your inner fear. Therefore, sometimes, the person with the louder temper in life is the more fearful person. In order to stop the person who is afraid of harassing him, he will resort to losing his temper in a way that looks very combative to prove that he is powerful. The reason why a person wants to prove that he is powerful in front of others is precisely the same. It\’s because he doesn\’t feel that he is truly powerful in his heart. This is especially true for narcissistic people who feel they have the right to lose their temper. Sometimes losing your temper is used as a sign of power. We can also often see that bad emotions tend to flow from people with high power to people with low power. For example, a man who was criticized by his boss at work came home very angry. When he opened the door, he found that his child was playing on the computer instead of doing homework, so he might get angry at his child. On the surface, he is managing his child\’s behavior. In fact, behind his tantrums, he is dealing with the frustrating feelings of humiliation and incompetence brought about by being criticized by his boss, as well as the frustration caused by his feelings about his own abilities.Disappointment or anger towards oneself caused by shortcomings, etc. Therefore, a large part of the temper he lost towards his children was actually directed at his boss and himself, but he himself did not have the ability to metabolize these emotions, so he threw these emotions away to those who had relatively high power and position in the family. low child. Because it is safe for him to transfer these emotions to his child, because the child\’s position is lower than him, so the power to counterattack him is relatively weak, which will not bring him new things. threats. At the same time, when he transfers his emotions to someone weaker than him, in front of this weaker person, he will feel that the ability and power are back in his own hands, and he can find his own control. Feeling, in the presence of a person with lower power, his own power can be reaffirmed. Treating losing temper as one of your own privileges to satisfy your need for special treatment is especially obvious in people with narcissistic traits. People with narcissistic traits, because they have not established clear psychological boundaries in their inner world, sometimes cannot identify the owner of the emotion, nor can they psychologically understand that others are individuals independent of themselves. Therefore, they often mix their own emotions with those of others to deal with them. For example, a person with narcissistic traits, when faced with someone else\’s performance, does not feel happy for that person\’s performance. Instead, he may feel that the other person\’s performance is a derogation of himself. When he has After feeling this way, he will be angry because of the damage to his narcissism, so he will lose his temper with the person who achieved the results, thinking that it was that person who hurt him. Or, because a narcissistic person cannot realize that others are independent of himself, in his feelings, he often feels that others should have the same feelings as him. If he finds that other people\’s feelings are not in sync with him, He may also feel hurt and lose his temper. A common example in life is that a mother with narcissistic traits, when she feels that she does not receive more care from her husband in her relationship, she will turn this complaint to her daughter. On the one hand, she will continue to complain to her daughter On the other hand, if the husband is not good, he will lose his temper because the daughter defends her father. Losing temper has become a habit without learning more effective ways of expression, and the language function is insufficient. Using language to express inner emotions is a high psychological function. Everyone has different experiences in the process of growing up, and the psychological functions they develop are also different, so their language abilities are also different. For some people with relatively low mentalizing functions, they may adopt relatively immature ways to deal with anger. For example, using behaviors, fighting, throwing things, etc.; or suppressing some inexpressible emotions, and finally expressing them in a way that causes problems somewhere in one\’s body. The reason why they use this relatively primitive way to express their angry emotions is because they have not accumulated experience in expressing their emotions directly with language during their growth. In their imagination, direct expression may be full of danger, so theyI dare not express it directly. There are also some people who only learned to express their anger by losing their temper when they were growing up. Therefore, over time, it becomes a habit to deal with their emotions by losing their temper. Whenever he encounters a situation that makes him uncomfortable, he will only deal with it by losing his temper. In fact, sometimes, he may not really have a lot of anger in his heart, but he loses his temper based on previous habits. At this time, losing temper is no longer just a way to deal with emotions, but has become a social means or a way to build relationships with others. Confirmation of lack of love in the heart. For people who lack love and affirmation in the heart, their understanding of themselves is vague, so they do not understand what image they may be in the minds of others, and they do not know what they may look like in the minds of others. How to get along with people better. Therefore, when they deal with others, their inner emotions are often beyond their ability to accommodate, so those emotions that they cannot metabolize will lead them step by step towards coexisting with others in destructive ways, such as having sex with others. temper. One of my interlocutors who had worked here for four years had a lot of anxiety in his heart because he couldn\’t see me when I was away studying for half a month. He couldn\’t face these anxieties, so he became more and more anxious. Eventually, he had a big conflict with his boss and finally lost his job. When he talked about this matter with me, he told me that my leaving was experienced by him as my abandonment of him, and the feeling of abandonment was something he was unable to bear. Top ten bestsellers: Li Zhongying\’s Comprehensive Parent-Child Relationship Skills e-book. So when he couldn\’t see me, his life was all in chaos. In the end, he used an explosion to release his inner anxiety, but this outbreak also caused He had devastating results.