A while ago, I was chatting with a good friend who is a teacher, and she brought up a very interesting topic. Now she teaches third grade elementary school students. From time to time in class, a child will raise his hand angrily and say, \”Teacher! So-and-so classmate took my eraser/pencil and refused to give it to me!\” After listening, she replied, so-and-so you Return the rubber to others quickly. After a while, the child continued to raise his hand angrily, \”Teacher! So-and-so still refuses to give it back to me!\” At this time, in order not to affect the class, she had to quickly get off the podium to mediate and enforce \”justice.\” Speaking of such things, she felt quite conflicted inside. Obviously, I have repeatedly emphasized that since my children entered school, they must tell the teacher immediately if they have any questions. But when everything really needs to be solved by asking a teacher, I feel like something is wrong. For example, can children learn to negotiate and resolve conflicts on their own? When they are older, how can they develop their ability to handle larger conflicts? After becoming a mother of three children, I have long been prepared. The tender moments between each other are beautiful embellishments, and the constant fighting between the three children is the norm in life. How to deal with conflicts has become an essential skill for both me and them to learn. More than a year ago, if Ning Ning angered Xiao Pai and Pai got angry, I would have no choice but to mediate in the face of Ning Ning, who is a bigger carrot and can\’t speak well. Most of my three strategies are to empathize first, then guide emotional expression, and finally help them come up with a solution after the emotions have eased. But as time has gone by for more than a year, these three axes seem to be getting harder and harder to use. Last month, Ningning was sitting on the ground working on her balancing cactus. Recently, she suddenly discovered the mystery of the thing. The seedlings that used to fall over with just two or three leaves can now grow into large, colorful cactus. After a lot of effort, Ning Ning completed a masterpiece, which took a long time to look at. At this time, Xiao Pai hummed a tune and pushed the door open to go home. He squatted next to his sister and touched the cactus while saying, \”Sister Pai, let\’s see what Ning Ning is building.\” But Sister Pai slipped and the cactus collapsed instantly. A few seconds later, the emotional alarm in Ning Ning\’s body activated. Her little face turned red with anger, and then she burst into tears and screamed. While crying, she picked up the blocks on hand and threw them at Xiao Pai. Xiao Pai, who was stunned, was also a little irritated by the blocks that were smashed one by one. He took Ning Ning\’s hand and said loudly, \”Don\’t throw it away. Sister Pai accidentally knocked it down. It was not intentional. If you try again, Just take one!\” Seeing Ning Ning crying louder and louder, her hands and feet began to kick and hit Xiao Pai. I stepped forward to hug the angry villain and quickly used my three-axe. \”The tree Ning Ning has been building for a long time has been damaged. Ning Ning is very angry and sad. You can express your anger with your mouth, but hitting others is not allowed!\” I hugged her tightly and let her vent for a while, and then started to think Solution: \”Sister knocked down your tree by accident, can you let her build an identical one for you?\” Ning Ning, who was still crying, shouted, \”No, no, no! Ning Ning is angry!\” The photographer also came up with comments, \”Why should I make the same one? How do I remember how she put it together? I told you that I didn\’t do it on purpose.\” Depending on the situation, the stalemate continued, so I tried to divert my attention and threw it away.Come up with a solution, \”Mom, can you take Ning Ning to eat oranges? Oranges are so sweet and delicious!\” Ning Ning, whose face was still suppressing her blush, still shouted, \”No! Don\’t eat oranges, Ning Ning will be angry!\” Holding Ning Ning in his arms! She was in a stalemate for a while. Listening to the continuous crying, my nerves were almost at the limit. I said calmly, \”Sister, I didn\’t mean it. Mom can go with you again. Ning Ning is still angry. So what will Ning Ning do?\” How can I not be angry?\” Unexpectedly, Ningning pointed to the balcony a few seconds later and said with sobs, \”I want to play with Sister Pai\’s hedgehog, and I want to feed it.\” This unexpected answer made me He and Xiaopai were stunned on the spot. Normally, Xiaopai would definitely refuse. How could she be willing to let Ning Ning play with the precious hedgehog she held in her hands every day? But with the guilt of knocking down her sister\’s building blocks, Xiao Pai thought about it and said, \”It\’s okay to play with it for a while, but you can\’t feed it. You don\’t know how.\” Hey.\” \”Ning Ning wants to feed the hedgehog, Ning Ning knows how to feed it!\” Seeing that we were about to reach a deadlock again, I looked at Xiaopai and said, \”You are worried that your sister can\’t feed her well, so how about you teach her how to feed her?\” Maybe. Seeing his sister\’s face covered with runny nose and tears, Xiao Pai nodded, stretched out his hand and led his sister towards the hedgehog house. Seeing the deep sisterly love in this scene, I was stunned and recalled that the turning point came from the sentence \”What can Ning Ning do to not be angry?\” After coming up with a lot of \”bad ideas\”, I used this sentence to lead and found out that the child I have long hidden the password to solve the problem. To Ning Ning, who has evolved to be eloquent and has complete language skills, I should have asked long ago, \”What do you want?\” With this awareness, adjusting the chasing and fighting between the three children seems to have opened up a new world. New channel. Between Xiaopai and Ningning, I no longer have to worry about how to arbitrate and give opinions, and I am more responsible for threading the needle. After several observations, I found that the solutions my children came up with were far from what I could imagine, but compared to the \”standard answers\” I came up with, their own answers can truly heal the emotions and trauma in conflicts. Now, after their emotions have calmed down a bit, my three-step plan has become: first ask the child what she wants, and if she knows clearly, then let them negotiate; if she still can’t tell, then help her. Think about it together, don\’t set standard answers, and guide a variety of ideas; when the children encounter obstacles in negotiation, I become a translator and help them compromise back and forth, allowing them to reach a reconciliation on their own. If you let your children make requests on their own, will they make wild stories and ask for ridiculous prices? It may be possible at the beginning, but in each negotiation, the child will also carefully explore what is a reasonable request, so that he can be compensated and the other party is willing to cooperate. Conflicts in children\’s lives are both troubles and opportunities for them to learn to \”negotiate\” this gift. I heard from Pai Dad that two days ago, she picked up Ning Ning after school and went back to the studio to do some work. The foodie\’s radar detected a pack of lollipops on the table at a glance. Now that the whole bag of candies fell into her hands, she couldn\’t grab it forcefully. Paida, who hated seeing his daughter cry the most, had no choice but to open one for her. But a piece of candy can\’t satisfy the little one. Ning Ning hugged the whole bag and said, \”I want to take them all home!\” The big-headed dad quickly said, \”No, no.Okay, take the whole bag back. Sister Pai and Lisa will also see it. Mom, you are not allowed to eat so much candy! Pai\’s father thought he would burst into tears after his firm refusal, but Ning Ning said a few seconds later, \”Dad, it\’s okay. I will hide. Pai\’s sister and Lisa won\’t be able to see me when I hide.\” Pai Dad continued to defend the line, \”They will be looking for you everywhere. What will you do if you are found while you are hiding?\” \”The little guy rolled his eyes and glanced at his little schoolbag next to him. Xiao Naoyin said, \”I put it in my schoolbag and put it at the very back so they can\’t find it. Pai Dad struggled, \”Your schoolbag is too small to hold so much candy.\” \”Oh, then I will only pretend to have three. Dad, you think three can fit.\” \”So the dead father Pai could only explain the problem to me with candy… Ha, little Ningning, who lives between her elder sister and younger sister every day and practices in the conflict, really did not disappoint. One day, she will… If her classmates also snatch her eraser, I guess she can get it back smoothly without bothering the teacher.