• Tue. Dec 5th, 2023

How to raise children with high emotional intelligence


Oct 1, 2023

A few days ago, I posted a message on Moments to accompany my children, which caused a mother to express her bitterness on WeChat. Lao Liang reveals: How do China’s four major classics improve emotional intelligence training methods? She said that she worked hard to raise her daughter, but now she is often \”disliked\”: every time she wants to get close, her daughter will find a way to avoid it; when she talks to her, she either pretends not to hear, or gets responses of \”oh\” and \”um\” ; After saying a few more words, she lost her temper: \”Oh! Stop talking!\” The mother was very frustrated: \”She is 14 years old, and she is not a 3 or 4-year-old child. She always yells at her elders. Disrespectful; I couldn\’t listen to her at all when I communicated with her…\” \”Why are other people\’s children so close to their parents, but our family seems to have an enemy? Is it because they are cold by nature or have low emotional intelligence?\” After listening to her description, I\’m curious about how they usually get along with their daughter. After careful questioning, I found out: This family has loud voices, and it is very common to yell at their children. She believes: \”If you make a mistake, it is impossible not to educate.\” \”If you don\’t tell them at ordinary times, when they grow up, your children will blame you for not teaching them.\” She also often uses \”percussive education.\” For example, they seldom praise their children, \”I am already proud, but if I praise them, I will not go to heaven\”; they are very strict with their children, \”I have to \’beat\’ them so that they will not be criticized when they enter society in the future.\” I asked what family members would express among themselves. Love? She shook her head and said, \”No, I can\’t say it.\” She thought for a while and then added, \”Does this need to be said? What parent doesn\’t love their children!\” I could understand her thoughts, but I felt vaguely Feeling sad. Psychologist Daniel Goleman once said: \”Family life is the first school where we learn emotions.\” In this emotional school, what parents say and do will affect their children, and children also learn through their parents\’ words and deeds. Come learn how to deal with emotions and how to get along with others. In this case, if parents also use \”low emotional intelligence\” education methods, the children\’s emotional intelligence and sociality will be damaged. \”Low EQ\” education is quietly destroying children… The concept of \”emotional intelligence\” was first proposed by psychologists Salovey and Meyer. They believe that its core abilities are: recognizing emotions, managing emotions, self-motivation and correctness Deal with interpersonal relationships. Studies have shown that these abilities are not innate, but are influenced by the acquired environment. Children who have been teased since childhood lack the ability to empathize. There is a mother next door who has very high demands on her children. One time, a group of us were chatting downstairs, and the child came back excitedly and said that he might have gotten a perfect score in the math test this time. This was originally a happy thing, but my mother replied coldly, \”If you got perfect marks on the test, then I\’m afraid everyone in your class will get perfect marks this time.\” The smile on the child\’s face stopped suddenly, and the figure behind her was full of grievances, and she realized that there was something wrong with her words. Later, she lamented that it wasn\’t that she didn\’t care about her children\’s feelings, but that when she was a child, she would be called \”pig-brained\” if she couldn\’t answer the questions; if she succeeded in the exam, she would be called \”it was just a stupid effort\”…these reactions , like mechanical memory. To this day, these words that once hurt her still come out of her mouth. It’s hard to stop and notice other people’s feelings and emotions first. Children who are often beaten and scolded cannot manage their emotions well. WeChatThe same goes for the mother who complained to me. She said that her daughter often yells at her family members, but the reason is that yelling has always been the \”way of communication\” in her family. There is a biological explanation: when children are growing up, if they are \”abused\” physically, verbally, emotionally, etc., it will lead to excessive stress. At this time, the brain produces chemicals such as cortisol, making him more sensitive to threats and ready to respond. If parents do not manage their emotions well, their children will also adopt an \”emotional\” coping mode. To put it bluntly, it is just a copy of the behavior of adults. If children never gain understanding and respect from their parents while growing up, it will be difficult for them to understand and respect others in later life. Children who are always denied cannot motivate themselves. Many parents believe that hitting and denying their children is a way to motivate them. They are often polite and full of praise to other people\’s children; but when they turn to their own children, they are very harsh and have nothing nice to say. The child is unhappy and thinks that the child is stingy and has no ability to resist setbacks. Psychologist Claude Steele said that being denied too much will bring anxiety; too much anxiety will make it difficult for children to perform well and even cause self-doubt. Neil, the child in the documentary \”Seven Years in the Life\”, has been lively, cute and smart since he was a child, but he is often criticized for making small mistakes. Later, he became sensitive, had low self-esteem, and even became decadent, becoming a homeless man with mental illness…a child who was not close to his parents and lacked the ability to interact. A child\’s social nature begins from birth. The entire process of parents raising and accompanying their children is cultivating their children\’s communication skills. If parents are shy about expressing love to their children and rarely get close to their children, their children\’s ability to communicate will also be affected. When you grow up, you are likely to be shy, impulsive, longing for love, but not understanding love. Such children suffer greatly in intimate relationships and need to work very hard to break through themselves. Therefore, many parents will wonder why, as soon as they reach adolescence, their originally obedient and sensible children begin to have \”bad\” attitudes and reject themselves? In fact, it is just the wounds buried deep in the child\’s heart, the accumulated \”grievance\”, which begins to ache after the awakening of self-awareness and wants to find an outlet. Parents feel that there is something wrong with their child\’s behavior and attitude, and the child may also be enduring inappropriate treatment from his parents. Until they grow up, they suffer from \”emotional\” and \”interaction\” problems, and even hate themselves. Why can\’t they get rid of the shadow of their parents… \”I just have this temper\” is the real reason why parents can\’t educate their children well. They may also feel aggrieved, \”In our time, how could parents care about education? Were they not much more \’rude\’ than we are now?\” Aren’t we also the shadows of the previous generation… We have been here for decades, \”I just have this temper\”, what else can we do? This is actually an educational dilemma we often find ourselves in: parents first label themselves as having “low emotional intelligence” and then take it for granted that there is nothing they can do to hurt their children and that I am born with a bad personality. But this kind of default idea that \”emotional intelligence\” cannot be changed, isn\’t it true to tell children that they have \”poor grades and are born stupid\”? We don\’t allow our children to \”display\”, but we ourselves are \”drawing a wall as a prison\”. IWhen I was a child, I was afraid of visiting relatives because every time I went to someone else\’s house, I would be scolded from the moment I walked in. \”You call me someone,\” \”Hurry up, say hello.\” …In fact, my parents are very introverted people. They rarely greet people and never taught me how to greet them. When they \”remind\” me, all other people\’s eyes are on me, which makes me even more embarrassed and even more embarrassed. Unable to shout. Of course, the next topic of their chat was: \”This kid is just stupid, just follow me.\” \”He\’s too introverted, just like me, and has no future.\” \”How is he like your kid…\” The parents were actually talking. The embarrassment was relieved by \”self-deprecating\”, but the child was so hurt that he couldn\’t lift his head. When I grew up, because I wanted to change, I gradually got rid of the self that couldn’t even say hello, and I no longer forced my children to say hello; but my parents, decades later, because they firmly believe that “this is my character” \”That\’s it for the rest of my life\”, still hiding in the shell of self-deprecating \”introversion\” to relieve embarrassment. There is a term in psychology called \”intergenerational inheritance,\” which means that everyone has more or less trauma from their family of origin, and this trauma will continue from generation to generation. But in fact, \”intergenerational inheritance\” is not inevitable and can also be stopped. Being always stuck is the real reason why we cannot educate our children well. In this world, there is no perfect family of origin, and no one is completely trauma-free. The problems of the original family are worthy of everyone to face and think about, but they are not worth repeating the same problems from generation to generation. As caregivers, what we can do is start with ourselves, cut off the inheritance, and let the harm stop. To cultivate children with \”high emotional intelligence\”, we should start from the parents themselves. American investor Charlie Munger has a very important theory – the theory of reverse thinking. Tell us to think the other way around, always think the other way around. For example, when studying how to achieve a happy life, he started from \”how to live in a way that makes life painful\”, found out all the life factors that cause pain, and then asked people to avoid these factors to achieve a happy life. He even said that if I knew where I would die, I would never go to that place! So how can we raise children with \”high emotional intelligence\”? I also recommend everyone to use this thinking model: instead of trying to correct children\’s inappropriate words and deeds, nor reading a lot of reference books on improving emotional intelligence, training children\’s speaking skills and communication skills…but to understand what causes children\’s \” \”low emotional intelligence\” reasons, and then try to avoid these factors. Now, we know that parents’ attitude towards their children is the real cause of children’s “low emotional intelligence”. If we want to cultivate children with “high emotional intelligence”, we should start from ourselves and change these inappropriate ways of treating them: Never look down on your children intentionally or unintentionally. From the time a child is born, the person they trust and rely on the most is their parents. They really want to gain a sense of identity from their parents. Parents always use threats, neglect, ridicule, belittling, corporal punishment, etc. to treat their children, which affects not only the children\’s ability to deal with emotions, but also their self-identity. Sometimes, what is a \”big deal\” in the eyes of parents will be an overwhelming \”elephant\” in the eyes of children. Parents must not ignore it.Take their feelings seriously. Don\’t let bad family relationships trouble your children. Hostility and contempt in the family will always arouse the child\’s sensitive nerves, leaving him, who is usually in the \”bond\” position, in a dilemma and miserable. Never love your child and at the same time argue in front of the child, or say something bad about the person he loves. This is not only true for the relationship between husband and wife, but also for the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Be good to your mother, but your grandma will be dissatisfied; be good to your grandma, and your mother will be sad… If you grow up under such long-term pull, not only will your children not learn good ways of communicating, but they will also feel tired of interpersonal relationships and will not be close to anyone. Never think that you should control everything. When our children are young, we control all of their resources and accept their admiration and adoration. Parents enjoy this feeling, but they must not be greedy for such \”power.\” An article analyzed that the core of \”original family harm\” is the egocentrism of parents. We must never treat our children as extensions or accessories of ourselves. Penetrate into the child\’s life, wishing to control the child in every detail, destroying either the parent-child relationship or the child\’s independence. Don\’t always let your children forgive us. There is a saying: \”The more you scold your children, the more they want to hug you.\” In the process of getting along with our children, we will find that after scolding them during the day, they will start to hug you again at night. Running to you with a smile. When we are used to being \”forgiven\” all the time, we harm our children even more unscrupulously. But that was when I was a kid, so the damage wasn\’t too much. When you reach puberty, when you really hurt your child, will he still come to you? No, he will stay away… Parents are also human beings, and there will be times when they lose control of their emotions, but this is not a reason not to apologize if you make a mistake. Don\’t just wait for your children to forgive themselves. Parents who can really get close to their children know how to reflect and put their children on an equal footing. Never give up on growing up. Your growth does not end when you become a parent. Raising children is another opportunity for us to know ourselves and accept ourselves. Seizing this opportunity to make peace with childhood is the beginning of self-healing for every parent. The book \”What is Education\” says: \”Real education is when one tree shakes another tree, one cloud pushes another cloud, and one soul awakens another soul.\” If parents do not want their children\’s souls to wither, they must Make yourself plump first. We can grow very slowly, but we must never fail to grow! Rather than \”training\” a child with \”high emotional intelligence\”, what is more important is that parents must first become a person with \”high emotional intelligence\”. No parent is born perfect, and no parent is guaranteed to master advanced parenting methods. Signs of high emotional intelligence: Training methods to improve emotional intelligence, Preschool Psychology Book Box But the fairness of education is: what determines whether a child can become a talent is not what you must do, but what you must not do! I hope every parent will have some understanding of “don’t do it” and strive not to hold back their children in the process of growing up!

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