• Sat. Dec 2nd, 2023

If you had a choice, would you still punish your child?

Why do we punish children? In daily life, the most common behavior we treat children is to punish them when they are extremely disobedient. But why do we punish children? I think there are nothing more than the following: First, I am very angry. I\’ve told him this a hundred times, but he keeps making the same mistake over and over again. Then the reason for this punishment is your emotional anger. Second, if I don\’t punish him, how will he know that he was wrong? How could he change if he didn\’t know he was wrong? How is it possible to grow? In this way, when he enters society, it will have a great impact on him. This starting point has a noble coat, which is for the good of the children. The third one is that I don’t want to punish him, but it won’t work if I don’t punish him. If I don\’t hit him, he will always be like this. Do you think it will be better if I give it a beating? I felt quite bad after beating him. Except for punishment, you think that no education method can truly connect your child with you. Only punishment can make him receive your message. This kind of parent is actually very sad, but many of us are in this state. What can punishment bring us? It has worked for some people, urging them to correct their problems and move forward. But more often than not it brings a certain hostility, hatred, and then a denial of self-worth. Give your child choices instead of punishing him. Today I would like to share with you a few ways to avoid punishment, so that your child can have a choice when facing problems and mistakes, and let his emotional state calm down faster. The first one: Ask your children for help to divert their energy and attention away from the emotional collapse. For example: when we take our children to the supermarket, we write a shopping list before going. You can interview your child and ask him what he wants to buy. Then let him choose a few things, don\’t satisfy him with everything. But it is very likely that this agreement will not work well after arriving at the supermarket. When he saw the dazzling array of food in front of him, he wished he could have more. If you don\’t give it to him, he will cry. At this time, you can tell him: Can you go and get some lemons for your mother? Would you like to help mom get some oranges? These are all things you put on your shopping list. As long as he has something to do, his attention can be diverted quickly, and he will feel that he can take on more responsibilities and have more value in this family. Second: Clearly express your disagreement with the child\’s decision and current situation, but do not attack the child\’s character. For example: Your child originally promised to do his homework as soon as you got home, but when you got home, he was still playing. You asked him if he was done, and he said he was done, but you found that there was still a lot behind the homework assigned by the teacher. At this time, you can express your dissatisfaction and tell him: You said that the homework has been completed, but what I saw is that it has not been completed. I am very angry about this situation. Many people may continue to say: How can you lie to others? You actually lied, you are a dishonest child… These are attacks on the child\’s personality, and they will make your previous words completely lose their power. You can change the way and tell your children: how to make up for their mistakes, how toIn this way, the result or current situation of the matter can be improved, which will help the child regain his sense of value. The third way: Give your child a choice when he is excited and out of control. For example: We often say, \”Mom has to leave, otherwise you can play here by yourself.\” Do you think this is an option? For a child, it is impossible for his mother to put him in this place alone. So he can only be forced to follow you. He is unwilling to accept this result, so he will cry along the way. So what is choice? For example: in the amusement park, the time has come, but the child still wants to play, you can tell him: Mommy has to deal with things upstairs, otherwise we will go downstairs to play in half an hour; otherwise we can only Play for 5 more minutes. This is a choice. So when your child loses control of his emotions, you have to give him the right to choose. This right to choose is really for him to choose, not for you to say the same result of your decision in two ways. That is not a choice, but a compulsion. Fourth: Let children experience the natural consequences of wrong behavior. We do not advocate punishing children, but this does not mean that children should not be held responsible for the consequences of their actions. So how to define the difference between natural consequences and punishment? For example: When your child plays with his mobile phone, you agree with him that he can only play for 20 minutes at a time, but when you remember, you find that he has been playing for more than an hour. At this time, you said that you would confiscate your phone because you said you would stop playing after 20 minutes, but you have not done this now. Now I\’m going to confiscate your phone and won\’t be able to give it to you for a week. Do mothers think this is punishment or a natural consequence? In my opinion, this is punishment, not a natural consequence. So what should the natural consequences be? For example: You and your child agree to play games for one hour a day, divided into three times, 20 minutes each time. If he plays for one hour at a time, what are the natural consequences? That is, he can no longer touch his mobile phone today because all his time today has been used up. In other words, he can no longer touch his mobile phone at noon and evening. In this way, you can keep it for him and return it to him when it returns to normal tomorrow. This is a natural consequence. If your child doesn\’t like to follow the rules, how can you break them? We have made an agreement with our children, but the children break the agreement again and again. What should we do? The following five steps can help you solve the problem of your child not enforcing the rules properly. The first step is to discuss the child\’s feelings and needs. For example: the child promised you to do homework when you got home, but did not do it well after returning home and could not manage his own time. The first sentence you say now can be: I think it is not easy for you to just go home and do your homework. You first express his feelings. This is empathy. Then the child will talk to you. He feels that you are talking about his inner feelings at this moment. Since you are speaking for him, why doesn\’t he want to talk to you? The second step is to express your own feelings and needs. After expressing your child\’s feelings and needs, you have to express your own feelings and needs. You can tell him: If you can\’t actively complete your homework, your mother will be worried that you may be criticized by the teacher tomorrow.Comment. In this way, you reveal all your needs, feelings, and anxieties and send them to a space that he can accept at the moment. The third step is to discuss and find solutions together. In most families, the study plan is made by parents and has nothing to do with the children\’s wishes. Now, you must reach a state of jointly solving the problem with your child and re-formulate the plan together. If both parties feel that they can accept and recognize it, they can implement it together. In this step, you must find paper and pen and record it formally to give your child a sense of ritual to express your importance and respect for this matter. Step 4: Write down all the ideas discussed. The core point of this step is that we are not allowed to have any comments. For example: your child says, I want to play for half an hour when I get home from school. When he expresses this idea, write it down first and don’t say no or it won’t work. You can also make a request: you must do your homework directly after returning home from school. Both of you can bring your own ideas to the process. Why not let everyone comment? Because we start discussing the feasibility of the method before we have finished listing our ideas, we will soon fall into a closed thinking mode, which greatly limits the creativity of our minds, and the possibility of better solutions becomes Very little or even none. The fifth step is to make a selection. After you have your wild ideas, you can start to choose: which suggestions you all accept, which ones you don\’t accept at all, and which ones can really be put into action at this stage of our life. After you implement these five steps, you will find that your child is more receptive to the plan and is more willing to take the initiative to complete it. But it doesn’t mean that as long as you use this method, all problems will be solved 100%. However, in this discussion, you have presented your true needs and true status to the other party, allowing the other party to understand better. In this way, you have laid the foundation for finding a future solution to this matter.

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