• Tue. Dec 5th, 2023

In every unhappy marriage, there is hidden the grievances of the children

Chinese people have a very unreasonable logic. Many couples, even though their relationship is irretrievably broken, would rather have a small quarrel every three days or a big quarrel every five days to ensure the integrity of their family rather than divorce. In their hearts, only a complete family can bring happiness and joy to their children. But in fact, this idea is very stubborn and naive. In 1995, Amato, Loomis, and Booth conducted a joint survey to study the impact of marital discord and divorce on children\’s happiness. The survey results show that the biggest negative impact on children\’s happiness is not the divorce of parents, but the parents who have experienced a long-term estrangement but never chose to divorce. The vertical axis is happiness, and the horizontal axis is the degree of discord. This kind of parents makes themselves a shackles to each other, and at the same time locks up the future of their children. The company used to have an intern named Xiaozhuang. He was a very sunny boy. He was always laughing and joking in front of us and was very lovable. But one time when I was going to the bathroom, I suddenly heard him talking to someone on the phone at the top of his lungs. He was very emotional and started crying after saying a few words. This shocked me. Later, Xiaozhuang told me that the person who called that day was his mother, and he wanted to persuade her to divorce. As early as Xiaozhuang can remember, his parents\’ relationship has always been bad. The two of them often quarreled endlessly over trivial matters, and those who could do anything would never say a word. When he was in the second grade of elementary school, he took his classmates home to play. It turned out that his father was also at home that day. He was drunk and chased his mother through the alley with a kitchen knife. Moreover, his mother still had a nosebleed at the time. There were also bruises on the eyes. Several children stood aside and watched, all of them were frightened and cried. There were also several times when his parents quarreled, and his father grabbed his mother by the neck and almost strangled his mother to death. Xiaozhuang said that he has learned to watch people\’s emotions since he was a child and does not dare to show any emotion. He will do whatever his father likes, but this is not because he is afraid of his father. He just hopes that his father will be more happy so that his mother can Get beaten less. During this period, he also secretly persuaded his mother to divorce several times, but every time his mother heard it, she became very emotional and scolded him for being young and not understanding anything, and not to meddle in adults\’ affairs. For your own good. Finally, Xiaozhuang cried and told me that since he was a child, every time he saw his mother being pointed at and scolded by his father, he felt uncomfortable and wanted to cry, but every time he had to pretend to be calm and push back the tears. This kind of life is really too painful! If it hadn\’t been for that chat, I would never have imagined that such a sunny child like Xiaozhuang would have so much sadness in his heart that didn\’t belong to his age. Or maybe he can only cover up these bad things by pretending to be more cheerful? In every family with an unhappy marriage, there are hidden grievances among the children. The children know it very well, but the parents only know how to deceive themselves and others. They always feel that the children do not understand anything. Dr. Edward Tronick of the University of Massachusetts, Boston, conducted an experiment called the \’Still Face Experiment\’ in 1975, mainly to study the effects of motherhood.What unexpected things will happen when a parent is expressionless and loses contact with his child? At the beginning of the experiment, the mother and the child interacted normally and the child was very happy. When the experiment began, the mother was expressionless. The child noticed something was wrong and began to make some small movements in an attempt to attract the mother\’s attention. After discovering that the mother was unresponsive, the child continued to try to get the mother to interact with him, but the mother remained expressionless. Finally, the child begins to break down and cry. This study proves one thing. No matter how young children are, they still have a self-concept. They know very well whether the person in front of them is happy or angry, happy or unhappy. They crave attention and expect recognition from others. However, many parents in unhappy marriages often ignore the feelings of their children and always feel that their children are young and ignorant. They think that as long as they are given a complete home, their children can have a perfect life. There was another detail in the experiment at that time. After many children found that they could not get their mother\’s attention even if they cried, they chose to suck their own fingers and use this self-soothing behavior to relieve their anxiety. Therefore, it is not difficult to understand why in many families where parents are not emotionally compatible, children tend to grow into two extremes, either very \”sensible\” or very rebellious. It is because they have no way to ask for any care from their parents and can only digest all their emotions by themselves. Some people can solve problems by themselves, while others cannot. But no matter which one, it is a pathological psychology caused by grievances that have been accumulated for too long. Zhang Yueran wrote in \”Cherry Far Away\”: Children are the most stoic people. They don\’t know how to use escape to resist pain, nor do they know how to use catharsis to resist torture. They could only stretch out their cold little hands and feet, and no one would even notice their long-lasting heart palpitations. So I always think that children are pitiful and respectable. A few years ago, I saw a set of data. An organization surveyed and interviewed 3,000 primary and secondary school students. Among them, 7.72% of children in families where parents were emotionally discordant and often quarreled had made suicide plans, and 42.9% of children had had a fleeting thought that \”life would be better than death.\” What\’s even more frightening is that the vast majority Most parents know nothing about this. Later, I asked around in the company one by one, and found that there were indeed many people who had found it painful to live in their original families, wanted to leave, and even thought about getting over it. Xiaobei said that her parents had always been in a bad relationship and often quarreled. When she was sad alone, she would often walk around the river. She thought about committing suicide by jumping into the river countless times, but in the end she chose to live because she lacked the courage. Even on the day she got married, her parents had an argument over a trivial matter, and she burst into tears. That time I cried because I had held it in for too long. People say that half of a child comes from the father and the other half from the mother. When parents deny each other, they are actually denying half of their children unconsciously. Children who grow up in this environment can easily lose themselves. Therefore, rather than giving children a complete home, what they need more is a loving home, a home where parents know how to appreciate and care for each other. Never let your baby be born in a greenhouse, but can only grow up with grievances and loneliness.

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