• Sat. Dec 9th, 2023

It’s okay to say anything in parent-child communication, but never say these two words.


Oct 1, 2023

\”I left quietly and disappeared into my mother\’s troubles. My mother was very happy.\” This is a poem written casually by a little boy in the documentary \”Hello, Child\”. Fu Seoul, who wrote poems with his children, couldn\’t help but sigh: Children\’s expressive ability is always beyond imagination. She also mentioned that she had always allowed her son to talk back, encouraged him to express freely, and the child had become very expressive. Fu Seoul advises all parents: Never tell your children to shut up. This is not only the wisdom of parents in raising children, but also the beginning of children\’s self-awareness. Even if the time or occasion is wrong, don’t tell your children “shut up”. Many times, some children talk nonsense regardless of the occasion. Although children’s words are unbridled, parents still feel embarrassed and lose face. At this time, some parents will interrupt their children rudely, or tell their children to shut up with a cold face. Once when I was eating in a restaurant, the table next to me was discussing what everyone liked to eat. A 6 or 7-year-old boy said: My dad loves to eat stinky tofu, and he likes to fart after eating stinky tofu… After hearing this, the father\’s face suddenly changed, and he yelled at the child: Is this what you should say? Shut up now, you are uneducated. Everyone looked at each other. The child was frightened by his father\’s appearance, and his red eyes filled with tears. For some children with sensitive personalities, parents prevent them from expressing themselves in inappropriate ways, which can easily make them feel ashamed. Psychologically speaking, children in early childhood have a \”self-guilt tendency.\” Even if they have done nothing wrong, the displeasure shown by their parents will make the children mistakenly believe that they are at fault. Children are always worried that saying the wrong thing will lead to terrible consequences, and they are full of anxiety about expression. Such children would rather escape, remain silent, and go along in social interactions than bear the pressure of expressing themselves freely. Over time, avoidance becomes a child\’s way of defense. Cooperative Parenting: The Importance of Parent-Child Communication and Parent-Child Education PDF Download It seems to alleviate children\’s fears, but it only increases interpersonal troubles. Even if you don’t have the energy or patience, don’t tell your children “shut up”. In addition to the above situations, there are also times when parents are already very busy and tired and just want to be quiet, but the children don’t understand and keep chattering. There was an episode of the variety show \”Child\’s Voice\” in which the daughter loved to talk and always wanted to share all the big and small things with her mother. The mother is not good at words and agrees with a perfunctory \”Yeah\”, in order to make the child shut up quickly. Of course, the mother’s attitude is clearly visible to her daughter. The sensible child stopped talking, but deep down he was full of loss and confusion. Children\’s talkative behavior, especially monotonous language before the age of 6, will cause exhaustion and collapse if parents listen and respond all the time. We just asked the children to shut up if they wanted to be quiet. Our goal was achieved, but the children\’s voices were also isolated. Psychologist Li Zixun said: People\’s way of perception is greatly affected by the reciprocal two-way interaction in the early mother-infant relationship. Mutual psychological investment and internalization allow children to gain intimacy, self-esteem and self-confidence. The true meaning of expressing and responding is to cultivate children\’s sense of calmness in interpersonal relationships with the help of words. If you don\’t want to listen, you suppress your child\’s right to speak. If things go on like this, your child won\’t be able to speak or listen. For one, he has difficulty discerning the intentions of others when they speak. Second, he has a hard time defending his feelings. Tell the child to shut up, and what he ultimately loses is his firmness in himself.Maintain and maintain. Without the collision of hearts, children\’s relationship world is destined to have only one-sided misunderstandings. Even if it is offensive and disrespectful, don’t say “shut up” to your children. A Zhihu netizen told a story. During the winter vacation, her mother criticized her for playing with her mobile phone at home instead of studying hard. She explained that she had classes throughout the day and could not work on questions 24 hours a day. It was just a simple excuse, but the offended mother interpreted it as \”talking back\” and continued to attack the child. If you say it, you will talk back. If you don’t say it, you will still feel wronged. Netizens’ only choice is silence. Although she calmed down, she also understood that her mother\’s original intention was to hope that she would study hard so that she could get out of a small place in the future. But understanding doesn’t mean you won’t get hurt. When parents use their authority status to suppress their children\’s right to speak, children who are not treated equally are filled with grievances and anger. Psychologically speaking, children tend to confuse imagination and feelings. Even if parents are well-intentioned, if they express feelings and talk with emotions, what their children will receive is denial and rejection. Whether an adult or a child, a person\’s will and emotions are enslaved, and his cognition and emotions will be dominated by hatred. Especially adolescent children, with the blessing of physical strength, they have the capital to rebel and resist. They use their deviance to fight for the right to be respected. However, in interpersonal relationships, different opinions are often regarded as negative, differences are regarded as targets, and people are extreme and arbitrary, either self-destructive or attacking others. Telling children to shut up may seem effective, but it is the weakest way to communicate. Because the child\’s silence does not mean obedience. Without obedience, how can there be conviction? How do parents talk to their children? Mr. Ye Li, an associate professor at Wuhan University, once shared his own experience. As a child, she was a bit autistic in school, but she was a talkative person when she came home. Fortunately, her mother was not bored and was willing to have an in-depth conversation with her. Over time, she found that her speech became more and more thoughtful and her expressions became more and more logical. It is not a bad thing to love to talk. Only when children love to talk can they gradually learn to talk. As parents, we must first treat our children\’s desire for expression with an inclusive attitude. Only with a peaceful mind can children\’s childlike speech evolve into self-confidence and strength. Secondly, accept the child and let the child finish speaking. I once read a story. The daughter bit the apple on the table and then put it down. The mother was worried that her daughter was spoiling the food, but before criticizing, she suppressed her anger and asked her why. It turns out that the daughter wanted to taste which sweetness she wanted to leave to her mother. Letting your child finish his sentence is the most touching gift in the parent-child relationship. Only by expressing yourself completely can you avoid one-sidedness and misunderstandings in relationships. Only by fully understanding the voice of the child can the parent-child relationship be in harmony. Finally, parents should interrupt their children skillfully even if they are unable to listen right now. We can explain frankly: I am a bit busy now. When we have time, let’s talk slowly, okay? Parents\’ consultation and inquiry will fill him with a sense of respect. When he is treated as an equal, he will treat others peacefully. If children talk regardless of the situation, actor Cai Guoqing\’s approach is very good. In a show, everyone was talking about appearance fees, and my 7-year-old son blurted out: My dad’s appearance fees are sometimes 8,000, sometimes 10,000. Cai Guoqing was caught off guard by his son\’s revelation. He pretended to stare at his son with wide eyes and smiled.He stopped. Seeing his father\’s expression, the child understood and stopped talking. The others smoothed things over, and the topic fell away. Stop the child gently and emphasize to him in private: some things at home are private and cannot be shared with others. This will not only cultivate children\’s awareness of privacy, but also teach children the rules of speaking. In general, never tell your children to shut up. When parents say the word shut up, this behavior itself has affected the parent-child relationship. The meaning of dialogue is not simply talking, but parents using language to care about their children\’s needs, affirm their children\’s honesty, and accept their children\’s rights and wrongs. Only by expressing it in conversation do we have a chance to understand our children. Only by allowing ourselves to make mistakes can we have a chance to correct our children. Only by observing while talking can we have a chance to understand our children. Only by answering questions can we have a chance to get closer to our children. Parents are a child\’s first audience and the beginning of his understanding of dignity, feelings, and self. Giving children a chance to speak is giving the relationship a chance. Letting your child talk is telling him that because I love you, please believe me.

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