• Sat. Dec 9th, 2023

My child is not worthy of a good mother like me


Oct 1, 2023

In a parent class, a mother said that she had done a really good job. From the time her child was one year old, she told her children stories every night, taught them how to read, memorize poems, and play games. He is always kind to his children and never scolds or hits them. Always allow and affirm. The relationship with the children is very good. The children are willing to say anything and dare to say anything. I even bought pornographic comics and put them on my desk without hiding them. If a girl you like has her birthday, ask her directly for money to buy a gift. So, what worries you about this? The bad thing is that the child\’s grades are a mess. He also didn\’t get along well with his classmates. He felt that his teachers and classmates were unfriendly to him, and even targeted him. Since I was a child, I have had freedom, respect, and love. The book does not say that as long as we give children space to grow, they will pursue recognition and achievement in accordance with the requirements of society. On the contrary, he is unconscious, not proactive, does not know how to arrange and use his own time, and handles his relationships very badly. Now I don\’t know how to educate him, and compared to many other parents, I really do a good job. Why is he like this now? Really disappointed me. Then we need to understand how she does it. She shared an incident. Her son went out to play and didn\’t come back until one o\’clock in the middle of the night. When he came back, he went to her room to wake her up. He talked to her for half an hour, went to see a movie, what was the movie about, and played board games. She was unhappy and didn\’t want to hear it, but she still endured it and let him talk for half an hour. I asked her why. She was not happy to be woken up in the middle of the night. She had to be patient and listen to the child finish what she said when she was unwilling to listen. She said that he was so interested and I didn’t want to spoil the fun or disappoint him. Later, during our discussion, we discovered that she really wanted to be a good mother who could provide support, encouragement, and tolerance to her children. Why does she want to be a good mother so much? Because her mother always denies, is always dissatisfied with her, and always criticizes her. She always has no patience to listen to what she wants to say. So she must be a different person from her mother. Whatever the child wants, she will give it to him, whatever he wants to say or do. So when she didn\’t want to listen to the child, she didn\’t dare to interrupt the child or tell the child that she was too tired and wanted to sleep. Because she felt that the child could not bear it. I feel like this will be a shock to the children. More importantly, if you do this, you are not a good mother. This lack of daring to stand up for one\’s own position lasted almost throughout this child\’s entire upbringing. It is difficult for her to stand in the position of a mother and make demands and set rules for her children. A good mother is better than a good teacher. Download [Yin Jianli. HD scan version] We want to be good mothers, which is of course a good thing. But we often misunderstand good mothers. This misunderstanding often comes from the maternal love that we ourselves have not received. Some people think that a good mother can provide their children with good material conditions. This is often based on their lack of material when they were children, and they did not get what they asked for. Some people think that a good mother should be particularly tolerant to her children. This is often based on the fact that she was often harshly criticized and beaten as a child. Some people think that a good mother should be with her children every day and accompany them. This is often based on their own experiences as a child.Often don’t have time or are not around. …The good mother everyone wants to be is the good mother they want. Therefore, this good mother is not prepared for the children, but for ourselves. Just like the parent above, she feels that a good mother should support her children in everything and be tolerant in everything. Because she once felt wronged, hurt, disliked, and bad because of her mother\’s harsh criticism. So she didn\’t dare to make demands on her children. She felt that those demands were harsh and would hurt the children. If she always interacts with her children like this, there is obviously a risk. Because society has rules, if a family does not dare to establish rules for its children, the children will encounter difficulties when entering society. If all our interpersonal relationships are a deformation of our relationship with our parents, then how does he adapt to society? After all, no one would tolerate him like this. So children need to know that if they do something, others will be angry. He needs to know what kind of emotions what he does may arouse in the other person. That is the ability to empathize, but the premise of empathy is that his own emotions can be seen and identified. Children need to know and express their own emotions so that they can understand the emotions of others. This is a prerequisite to help him establish good social relationships. But a mother who refuses to show any emotions to her children. A mother who relies on forbearance to communicate with her children may not be able to face her own emotions, so she cannot face her children\’s emotions. The end result is that it is difficult for children to understand and express their emotions, let alone the ability to tolerate them. One can imagine his difficulties. What to do if you are rejected? What should I do if I am not tolerated and understood? What to do if you are criticized? What should he do if others are impatient with him? He didn\’t learn any skills in this area. How does he understand and deal with these things? Does he feel that he is not good? Or do you think others are unfriendly? Or do you develop some problems to deal with these difficulties? For this mother, a good mother is one who wants what she wants, who is willing to listen to herself, and who is tolerant of herself. We project that our children need this. So even if we don’t want to, we have to do it. What does the child want? The mother may not know this. Finally we said, I have done so much, how come my child has become bad. The subtext is: I am a good mother, but you are not a good child, and you are not worthy of a mother like me. A lot of disappointment in the child accumulated in my heart. This disappointment also comes from, if my mother is so good, I will definitely be a good child. You have got such a good mother. Why don\’t you cherish the mother I once dreamed of. Many mothers care so much about themselves and what kind of mother they are that they don’t quite understand their children. I often don’t know what my child is thinking. Why does my child not learn well? What are his difficulties? She may be completely unable to understand or accept the problems presented by her child, or even collapse and want to escape. Because she doesn\’t have the courage to face these problems. Facing these problems means that she needs to face that she may not be a good mother, and that she needs to face that she was once proud of herself.The educational philosophy may be wrong. This is horrible. We have been living in a completely right attitude for a long time, and we are forced to see if we have done something wrong. This is a difficult thing. Many people insist that they are right, so they must prove that their children are wrong. So they bring their children for consultation and all they say is, I don’t have a problem. If the child gets better, I don’t have a problem. In their minds, the child is the center of the problem. We want to become a good mother and nourish our former selves. If we think we are good mothers, then our children will take on the bad, disappointing role. He will know that he does not satisfy his mother and that he is a disappointment. Will he feel wronged, hurt, disliked, or bad? Children cross the distance of time and obstacles of thousands of mountains and rivers to meet us when we were children. Different paths lead to the same destination, this is the most powerless place. Children magically become the part of ourselves that we hate and the parts of ourselves that we dislike the most. Trauma is easily replicated, not because we don’t love our children, but because we want them to be different from us. Excessive care is a curse. This is how we turn love into trauma and hurt. The root of the problem comes from the unsatisfied self. By raising children, we raise ourselves. And in the process, we quietly stole the mother who knew how to love her children correctly.

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