• Wed. Dec 6th, 2023

My child loses his temper and I lose control…

Yesterday, my best friend sent me a message: \”I was so mad at the child! (Here is a tearful and crazy expression) I hit him, but now I regret it!\” I am very curious. My best friend has a good temper. She is a kind-hearted person who is always kind to others and never gets angry. Moreover, looking at her posts on her friends circle, she is full of loving mothers and filial piety, creating a peaceful scene. What is going on today? Did the child demolish the house or something, so he is so angry? After a detailed chat, I found out that it turned out that it was a bit cold that morning. She wanted her child to sleep a little longer, so she woke him up 10 minutes late. As a result, when the child saw that he was going to be late, he simply stayed in bed and started crying. He screamed, no matter how much he was coaxed, it would not work. Seeing that he was almost late for work, his best friend finally got mad, spanked the child hard, and dragged him to the kindergarten while he was stunned. My best friend said: \”I was like a crazy woman at that time. I couldn\’t believe how I could become like this!\” Later, when she saw her child crying out of breath in the kindergarten, she couldn\’t help but burst into tears. It flowed out loudly, and at that moment, I really wanted to slap myself in the face. I understand her mood very well, because I am so familiar with such a scene! I mentioned in an article before that Rooney has been a child with high needs since he was a child, and a child with high needs must also be highly reactive. His most obvious characteristic is that any needs must be met promptly, otherwise he will immediately start yelling and crying. For example: when I went to the mall and saw a toy I liked, he said he wanted to buy it. As soon as I said \”no\”, he immediately yelled \”why not?\” After school, he was hungry and wanted to eat bread, so I said \”I want to eat it.\” It\’s dinner, no bread.\” Before he could finish speaking, he jumped up in excitement. When practicing the piano, if I just say a few words like \”My fingers are bent again\”, he will immediately angrily say \”I won\’t practice anymore!\” I actually have many tricks to deal with this kind of child who loves to lose his temper. I have also written articles to share with you, such as empathy, expressing feelings, setting rules, playing skills, etc. However, if you want to achieve these, the premise is to face a \”naughty child\” who yells at you and bares his teeth. ”, you can still remain calm! Once you fail to control your emotions and start to get angry with your child, even if you are just a little impatient, the child will immediately be sensitive to your emotional changes, and out of the instinct of self-protection, he will cry more and more. At this time, if you don’t realize that you are also caught up in emotions, then you will become like a child, suddenly losing your mind, unconsciously raising the decibel level, yelling at your child, and saying things you shouldn’t say ( For example, telling a child \”get out\”) and doing something you shouldn\’t do (such as spanking a child). Just as children are easily controlled by the lower brain and lose their temper, we adults are also easily controlled by the lower brain under intense pressure, losing our minds in an instant and having difficulty controlling ourselves. Maybe some friends haven’t read my article yesterday: Why do children always lose their temper? Brain science tells you that it’s not the child’s fault, it’s that their brains are not ready! Let me briefly introduce to you the theory of the upper and lower brains:The human brain is not only divided into left and right, but also up and down. The lower brain is the primitive brain of human beings and is responsible for various stress reactions (such as blinking, breathing, fear, anger, etc.), while the upper brain controls the higher-level brain of humans. Analytical thinking skills, such as decision-making, emotional control, self-understanding, empathy, morality, etc. The reason why children tend to lose their temper and do things regardless of the consequences is because the upper brain has not yet matured (generally, the upper brain does not fully develop until someone is in their twenties), which makes the child easily trapped in the stress response of the lower brain. In fact, when we are under intense pressure, our upper brain will suddenly short-circuit and become inoperable. We can compare the normal state of the brain with a clenched fist, in which your thumb is the lower brain and the other four fingers are the upper brain. When we press the thumb with four fingers and make a fist, it means that the upper brain and the lower brain are in contact. At this time, the upper brain can operate effectively. Even if you are upset, you can make good decisions and be correct. things. When we are very irritable, the state of the brain is equivalent to stretching four fingers. Look, our upper brain is no longer in contact with the lower brain. This means that the upper brain cannot help the lower brain calm down. At this time, we may I will go crazy and lose control of my emotions. Fortunately, compared with children, our upper brains are already mature. In other words, we can completely control our emotions even under high pressure through conscious and deliberate training! This is really good news for parents who are raising children, especially those who are raising a \”naughty child\” with high needs and high reactions! Based on my valuable experience of dealing with Rooney over the years, I can tell you the truth about parenting, that is: Where do you need to learn so many parenting methods and communication skills? In fact, whether you can get your children to cooperate with you obediently depends entirely on whether you can control your emotions! Every time Rooney loses his temper, as long as I am in a good mood, as long as I can stay for two or three minutes, hold back the anger that is about to burst out, and let my upper brain resume functioning, all the books I have read and the theories I have learned will It came to my mind, and then I used a little trick to get rid of the naughty child. But if I am too busy one day or I am not in good health or in a bad mood, and I don’t like anyone, Rooney will hit my gun if he makes a little louder, causing me to lose control of my emotions. The result is that an adult yells at a child. Yelling, causing a lot of trouble and causing damage to both sides. In short, if you get angry when your child loses his temper, you will definitely lose. When fighting with children, we have to fight for IQ. Don\’t drag yourself down to the same level as children and animals, and just fight for roaring, okay? If we often use verbal and physical violence to solve children\’s problems, the brain will rationalize it and establish a brain circuit that beats and scolds the child when he loses his temper. The next time the child loses his temper, you will automatically activate this circuit. Once a pattern is established, it will be difficult to change it. This is the so-called \”getting used to it\”. Speaking of this, some people may say, there is no way, I am born with such a bad temper and I can\’t change it! Don\’t think so! up to dateNeuroscience shows that the human brain is \”soft\” or \”mouldable.\” In other words, the brain, like a muscle, can be trained. No matter what age, as long as people practice deliberately, they can completely control their emotions by integrating the upper and lower brains. Don\’t forget, your children are watching you all the time, and your behavior will become an example for them. If you don\’t want your children, grandchildren, or even great-grandchildren to continue to use your rough ways, then you must Always remind yourself: calm down and never do anything you regret! When a child loses his temper, it is actually the best time to help the child grow and integrate his brain. You can use your own moments of losing control to demonstrate self-regulation for your child. So, what should you do when you realize that your lower brain has taken over and you are starting to lose your mind? First, shut up immediately to avoid saying something you will regret, and put your hands behind your back to avoid contact with your child. When you\’re in your lower brain, the first thing to do is protect your children at all costs. Second, leave your children and find a place to spend some time by yourself. You can tell your child directly: \”I\’m very angry now and need to calm down. Let me stay by myself for two minutes and don\’t bother me.\” Third, take a few deep breaths and try \”exercise the body\” to calm the mood, such as doing high Leg lifts, stretches, etc. Wait until you feel your upper brain kicking in before dealing with your child\’s problems. At this time, you will find that all your behaviors will become very different. You will find that these problems of children are actually nothing at all. Isn\’t it just breaking a cup? Isn\’t it just that you are late for work? Isn\’t it just some paint sprinkled on the ground? The sky has not fallen and the ground has not cracked. If the soldiers come, they will block the water and cover it with earth. What\’s even more amazing is that when you calm down and communicate with your child, you will find that he is actually willing to cooperate with you! Of course, don’t forget to strike while the iron is hot and repair your relationship with your children as soon as possible! This may require you to put down your posture and apologize to your child, but it is definitely worth doing because you are setting an example for your child! And, the faster your connection with your child is repaired, the sooner you can regain your emotional balance and enjoy your relationship with your child again. No matter when, the parent-child relationship is always greater than anything else!

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