• Sat. Dec 2nd, 2023

Parents’ experience in educating their children: four major thoughts


Oct 1, 2023

When I went to a friend\’s house, I heard her cursing and scolding her son as soon as I entered the door: \”I didn\’t study seriously all day long, and I only did this little homework. Where are the math exercises? I always want me to urge you, can you be more conscious!\” Countless times I have heard my friends complain. My son is a scumbag, willful and disobedient. Every time I advise my son to study hard and get into a good university and get a good diploma, my son finds it too verbose and automatically closes his ears. Sometimes when his son cannot be influenced by his principles, his friends can\’t help but get angry and scold him directly. The more this happens, the worse the child\’s condition becomes. Not only did she procrastinate on homework, her academic performance plummeted, she even talked back to her family, she was completely out of control. Seeing the relationship between my friend and his son, I couldn\’t help but think of a sentence in the book \”Positive Discipline\”: \”If you find it painful to educate your children, you must be using the wrong method.\” It is indeed very difficult for children to work against themselves and be disobedient. It makes parents feel frustrated and helpless, but behind this, it is often the parents who have a problem. If we understand the following four kinds of thinking, I believe we will be able to achieve miraculous results in educating our children. Beware of the \”stereotype\” effect: Let go of prejudices and stereotypes against children. A fifth-grade boy in Chongqing used his mobile phone to take online classes at home at noon. When he was studying vigorously, his father misunderstood that he was playing games secretly, and he was beaten and scolded. Extremely aggrieved, the little boy didn\’t even have time to change his shoes. He ran barefoot to the nearby police station to call the police and report that his father had beaten him. In the eyes of the little boy, listening to lectures and doing exercises on a mobile phone are normal things. But when his father saw him playing with his mobile phone, he didn\’t even ask him clearly, nor did he care about what he was doing. He preconceivedly labeled him as \”playful\”, which seriously hurt his feelings. How many such children obviously did not do anything they shouldn\’t do, but maybe they just moved a little slower, had a bad attitude, and did not live up to their parents\’ expectations, so they were criticized, accused, and suppressed. In the minds of parents, they are always associated with \”disobedience\” and \”mistakes\”. No matter what they do, it is difficult to get rid of the stereotype of ineffectiveness in their parents\’ minds. A Zhihu netizen once revealed: When I was a child, I was just a little naughty and liked to make little pranks, but every time my mother would only call me a \”trouble maker\” and \”a broom star.\” Later, when I grew up and became sensible, I behaved more restrainedly and rarely bullied my younger siblings. \”But in the eyes of my mother, I am still the troublemaker who makes people worry. As long as someone cries, it must be me who causes trouble and bullies others.\” Because he was always criticized and misunderstood, he gradually began to \”break the jar and break the jar.\” \”Throw\”, he really became a disobedient child, causing trouble every day. The \”stereotype effect\” shows that if a child is used to being viewed in a negative light by others, he will only become less and less confident and develop stronger resistance. Even if he changes and makes progress, his parents\’ prejudice will often dampen his enthusiasm, hurt his self-esteem, and damage the parent-child relationship. There is a saying in \”Smart Parenting\”: \”Wrong parenting methods create wrong children, and the impact they have is much more than parents imagine.\” Once a child is labeled as something \”bad\” Labels can easily become the person labeled by the label. Wise parents know how to let go of their prejudice against their children. They will see their children\’s progress in their eyes and improve their children\’s progress.Keep the change in mind and constantly affirm, encourage and praise. Turn on the \”expectation thinking\”: Children\’s problems also have good sides. At a lecture, a psychologist asked the parents present: \”What problems do your children have? Tell us.\” Almost all parents talked non-stop. They complained about how little the children loved to study and how naughty and rebellious their personalities were… But when the expert asked again, \”What are their strengths in these questions?\” the whole audience fell into silence. Most parents, as long as they feel that their children are not good enough or hardworking enough, will continue to magnify the problem and feel like they are facing a formidable enemy. But they ignore that the existence of a problem does not mean that there is only the \”bad\” side. Thinking from another perspective, there is an opportunity for education hidden behind the problem. There is a widely circulated picture in psychology: if you focus on the black part, you will see the \”devil\”; but from another angle, if you only look at the white part, you will see the \”angel\”. The same is true for educating children. If you keep focusing on his problems, you will inevitably feel that the child is useless and has problems everywhere. However, no longer stick to the problems, look out, and regard the difficulties the child encounters as opportunities for growth. The problem is solved. In the final analysis, the key to whether a child is good or not depends on what his parents think. The hit drama \”Come on!\” In \”Mom\”, the 13-year-old Xiaofu is \”someone else\’s child\” at first. He is well-educated and good at studying, and everyone praises him when he sees him. But after her mother was busy with her brother\’s affairs all day long and neglected herself, her heart began to become unbalanced. Deliberately disobeying in class, tearing up classmates\’ books, stealing things… all of his outrageous behaviors are, without exception, testing his mother\’s love, wanting to see if she is willing to accept him unconditionally, just like she does to her younger brother. It was not until later that his mother no longer regarded him as a \”problem boy\”, but gave up her beloved job to devote herself to taking care of him, that his inner grudge was slowly eliminated. Later, he actively encouraged his mother to return to the workplace. Writer Liu Na once said: Every bad child uses self-destruction to awaken the attention of his parents. Behind all \”disobedient\” behaviors are children\’s desire to express their desire to be loved, cared for, and accepted. Look more at the good side of your child and believe that \”children are always getting better\”; affirm his changes and progress more, guide and encourage him with positive words; respect his \”difference\” more and expect him to live out The most special self. Only then can children be motivated, ignited, and aroused, and strive to become what they most want to be. Give full play to the \”snowball effect\”: change starts with small things and interests. A friend who is a teacher has been a class teacher for more than ten years and discovered this phenomenon: whether a child is good or not depends on whether he or she can find points of interest when he first enters elementary school. related. Some like mathematics, and their parents are willing to spend time to guide them. As they learn more and more deeply, their children\’s experience becomes better and better, and it is only a matter of time that they fall in love with learning. However, some students find it difficult to learn English, and their parents still push them all day long. He keeps emphasizing that he is stupid and doesn\’t like to learn, so he naturally fails more and more. This phenomenon is what the famous entrepreneur Buffett calls the \”snowball effect\”: in the early stages of growth, if the snow in each child\’s hands is wet enough and they gain enough starting advantage, then the snowball will snowball.Large, the advantages are becoming more and more obvious. That is to say, if you want to improve your child\’s abilities and improve his behavior, you must start with small things, discover the child\’s points of interest and shining points, and repeat them continuously to drive the child to have greater motivation, constantly improve themselves, and encourage the child to become a better person. Excellent people. Reminds me of Chi Yiyang in the documentary \”Post Zero\”. When he was a child, he dominated the kindergarten all day long and \”bullied\” his friends everywhere with a stick, which was really a headache. When I was in elementary school, I was often detained by the teacher for making small talk because of poor academic performance. My self-confidence was seriously affected. Until one day, his parents discovered that he liked rugby and had high athletic talent, so they slowly adjusted their expectations and goals for him and let him get involved in rugby, starting from the things he was interested in. I was once a poor student and almost lost my motivation to study, but because of a small thing like rugby, my enthusiasm was rekindled. On the green field, Chi Yiyang learned basic skills and practiced relentlessly. His skills improved step by step. Over time, he became an indispensable member of the team. It was this successful experience that made him realize that he could do it. He gradually gained the confidence to face studies, applied to study abroad, and worked hard to overcome every problem he faced. Today, he is standing on a higher and further training ground, fulfilling his dream and shining brightly. Some people say that there is no need to rush in educating children, let alone expect them to reach the sky in one step and solve all problems at once. Instead, you need to adjust yourself and stay on the same frequency as your child. Guide the child to start with simple and easy things, so that he can gain a full sense of accomplishment, so as to encourage him and drive him, so that he can work harder and achieve greater transformation and leaps. Skillful use of \”positive reinforcement\”: shaping children\’s good behaviors and habits. I remember that there was a time when my son only wanted to play Lego and play with his own toys when he came home from the holidays. He was told to do his homework first and would not listen to anything he said. I thought it was because I didn\’t push him hard enough and didn\’t control him strictly enough, so I took it upon myself to put away all the things that \”affected\” his learning, forcing him to sit at the desk obediently, and only after finishing his homework could he eat and play with toys. The more extreme the result, the worse the effect. As soon as he saw me, my son would hide away. If I spoke a little louder, he would pretend not to hear me and cover his ears in protest. Later, I had to give up and try to let him have fun before eating, and made an agreement that after dinner, he would write easy homework first and then conquer other difficult problems. Seeing how efficient he is at work, I would praise him for his good work. Unexpectedly, my son really became self-conscious. After school is when he is the most tired of the day, let him play with Lego, which is not only relaxing but also adjusting. Once his entertainment needs are fully satisfied and his condition recovers, it will naturally not be a big problem for him to focus on his homework. What\’s even more surprising is that several times he offered to finish his homework at school before going home, so that he wouldn\’t have to go to bed too late. I believe that many parents have tried this: when they see a problem with their children, they will instinctively think about how to solve it and educate them seriously, trying to nip the bad problem in the cradle. However, educational psychology points out that reinforcement shapes children\’s behavior, and positive reinforcement (reward) is far more effective than negative reinforcement (punishment). As parenting expert Chen Meiling shared in \”50 Educational Methods\”: Trying to correct children\’s bad habits by scolding will only lead toThere will be counter-effects. Therefore, when her son was three or four years old and could not eat well by himself, she did not rush to correct him with verbal reminders. Instead, when her son gradually became able to eat smoothly, she frequently praised her son, saying, \”The food is really good, great!\” Occasionally, she would also talk to her son. He said, \”Let\’s try to eat elegantly like a British nobleman with our mother.\” In this way, my son mastered table manners and no longer had this problem after he entered elementary school. Many times, when a child does not do well, or feels that his performance is not as good as others, parents continue to strengthen his good side and affirm him from the bottom of his heart, which makes it easier to motivate him. He will take the initiative to examine himself more and more, strive to improve, and continuously expand the unlimited potential of these advantages. The growth of a child is permeated with the sweat and dedication of the parents. Every progress and every change he makes challenges his parents’ patience and vision. The best education is to let go of prejudices, have expectations, see his shining points, and constantly affirm and encourage him positively. I believe that with this kind of love and care, children will gradually become better and more confident, actively face every detail of life, move forward bravely, and grow up healthily.

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