• Tue. Dec 5th, 2023

Selfish parents cannot raise grateful children!

The road of raising children is like crossing a river in the dark by feeling for the stones. It is precisely because of this that every family has sutras that are difficult to recite. If a newborn child is unlucky, he is likely to end up in a family with constant conflicts. Children and parents are like twisted melons, exhausting each other. In this case, it is particularly important for children to improve their relationship with their parents. Nina Brown, a well-known psychology author, is recognized as a senior doctor of education in the United States. She has used her own experience to help countless families on the verge of breaking up. After publishing more than twenty books, she gained a new understanding of the relationship between parents and children. She provides us with an idea that even when faced with the most selfish and narcissistic parents, we can still avoid being hurt by our parents, return our attention to ourselves, and build a complete personality. Next, let\’s go into the book \”Selfish Parents\”, which allows us to enter the deepest childhood memories in everyone\’s heart and heal those traumas that we thought we had long forgotten. Narcissistic parents are likely to hurt you unconsciously. A survey once showed that 86% of the respondents believed that their family of origin had a negative impact on their lives, and 30% said that when it came to their family of origin, the first One feeling is indifference, disgust or even pain. Almost everyone knows the importance of family to children, but there are very few children who truly have a happy family. There is such a pair of parents who use computers and games instead of accompanying their children to grow up, use money and toys instead of encouraging their children, and use the excuse of work to avoid staying at home. Children never hear their parents say how much they love them. If others accuse these parents of not knowing how to take care of their children, they will retort that they work hard just to give their children a future with no worries about food and clothing. Only they can understand what their own children need, and there is no need for outsiders to tell them what to do. The way these parents interact with their children is a destructive narcissistic model. Parents with destructive narcissism do not control their children\’s lives so confidently because they know their children so well. Their self-confidence comes from pathological narcissism, and they feel that only they know what is best for their children. And this kind of narcissism can easily harm children. What’s even more frightening is that once parents treat their children with this narcissistic attitude for a long time, the children and their parents will eventually form a parental relationship. What is a professional relationship? That is, when parents are narcissistic to the extreme, they will feel that their children are responsible for their parents\’ happiness. Instead of feeling the love and care of their parents, children have to constantly sacrifice their feelings and life in order to care for and comfort their parents. In this case, parents not only failed to fulfill their responsibility to guide their children, but even transferred their obligations to their children. The forced marriages and rushes to marriage that we often see on Weibo and in WeChat Moments are the result of parental-oriented relationships. typical consequences. Some parents threaten their children with their lives, and some give their children an ultimatum: Never come back without a wife. These parents have their own set of logic and feel that as their children, they must be responsible for their growing anxieties.responsibility. Establishing a new family, giving birth to children, and continuing the bloodline are the only ways to comfort them as they age. If a child stays in a parental relationship for a long time, the lasting negative impact from his parents will be more serious. Children always take care of other people\’s feelings and give up on themselves, so they are easily infected by other people\’s emotions and then immersed in them. In fact, a healthy person should maintain a strong, flexible psychological boundary. It allows you to empathize with others without losing yourself. Interrupt the hurt of narcissistic parents and build a better version of themselves. Some children think that as long as they grow up and live independently and stay away from their parents, they will no longer be troubled by them. But is this really the case? The author tells us that this is not the case. For example, the famous Japanese director Takeshi Kitano once had a car accident while riding a motorcycle while drunk and suffered serious head injuries. After his elderly mother found out, she called immediately. The first thing her mother said was: Don\’t you have a Porsche? Why ride a motorcycle? Even though Takeshi Kitano has grown up, he will still be hurt by his parents at certain moments. This influence will prevent you from building a strong, complete self. In fact, even when faced with the most selfish and narcissistic parents, we have ways to prevent them from harming us. To do this, we must first realize that our parents will not change because of us. They don’t feel they need to change. Instead, they think it’s you who needs to change. Parents view the past differently than their children do, and they are unaware of their children\’s pain. If a child harbors fantasies about a narcissistic parent, it actually does them no good. Therefore, instead of trying to change your parents, use constructive strategies to develop yourself. The stronger you are, the more opportunities you have to gradually eliminate the harm caused to you by your family of origin, so that you can face narcissistic parents well even if you don\’t need to escape and defend. Building a better self actually means resisting criticism and paying more attention to yourself. To this end, the author provides us with a method called mindfulness. The so-called mindfulness requires us to consciously think and pay attention to things that we have not paid attention to before. For example, pay attention to the compromises your parents make for you, discover the signs of aging in your parents, and understand your parents\’ fear of aging. We always long for a pair of loving and understanding parents who can give us the care we deserve. Desire makes every anger we feel so real and makes our unavailability even more painful. In this accumulating anger, we will subconsciously blame all the faults on our parents. This is a wrong approach. In fact, we should learn how to avoid worries and save energy to build ourselves. As we heal old scars, we also learn to defend ourselves against future attacks and injuries. Amidst the cold violence your parents treat you time and time again, you will gradually become strong and fearless, no longer under their control. Let go of family trauma and find your true self. The damage caused to children by narcissistic parents will accompany the child throughout his life and ultimately affect the child\’s character. But sometimes, we cannot detect this continuation. Even US President Trump has a narcissism problem. He hadJing mocked a female reporter who asked him pointed questions, thinking she was being so aggressive because she was menstruating. He also mocked a female candidate, saying how could she win the support of voters because she was so ugly? People who are deeply narcissistic cannot realize the uniqueness of others, and therefore do not know how to treat others equally. This will continue family tragedies. then what should we do? The author said that in order to change narcissism, we must first admit it. We must try to reduce destructive narcissism and establish a healthy narcissism. Secondly, we need to get rid of our parents’ ideology. This requires us to explore our own emotions. The deeper we understand ourselves, the easier it is to detect and respond to other people\’s feelings, which can help us create a healthier narcissism model. If we can consciously examine and choose the values ​​that truly suit us. Then one day, we will be able to finally alleviate or even eliminate those parts that are hidden in our consciousness and imposed on us by our parents, and finally find our true self. On the way to find ourselves, we will eventually encounter a question, that is, should we forgive our parents? In Somerset Maugham\’s famous work \”The Shackles of Humanity\”, a little boy lost his parents at an early age and was raised by his uncle. At his uncle\’s house, the little boy suffered a life of ostracism and ridicule. This is a true portrayal of Maugham\’s life. He hated the uncle who raised him, so he wrote this experience into the novel. Not forgiving your parents is Maugham\’s answer. The authors say that while we can forgive narcissistic parents, we don\’t have to forgive them. Only after we have completed self-construction and truly grown into an independent-minded adult can we deeply understand our parents and finally let go of our attachments. Whether or not to forgive them at this time is irrelevant. When we think about the harm narcissistic parents have caused us, we do not do so in order to retaliate against them. We are in it for ourselves. We want to be people whose lives are meaningful, purposeful and valuable. When we are unfortunate enough to have a pair of narcissistic parents, the greatest damage they can do is to destroy our value. All the advice the author gives us is to help us get rid of this shadow and regain our own value. The above is the essence of this book. We must admit the fact that building a happy and happy family requires continuous learning and hard work. In fact, those children who were hurt by their original families and eventually stumbled into adulthood do not need to seek forgiveness from their parents, nor do they need to look for answers in past traumas. We cannot change the way our parents interact with us. Instead of waiting for peace in fantasy, it is better to change yourself more realistically. Lucky people use their childhood to heal their lives, and unfortunate people use their lives to heal their childhood. We must understand that it is not our fault that we are injured. We have every opportunity to learn to get along with our loved ones in a more appropriate way, to say goodbye to loneliness and depression, to find the vast inner universe, find peace in it, and reshape ourselves into a new self.

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