• Tue. Dec 5th, 2023

That child with \”high emotional intelligence\” is the most distressing

A friend picked up her daughter from kindergarten. As soon as she entered the door, her daughter rushed directly into her room. After a while, my daughter changed into a new pair of pants and threw the pants she wore in the morning into the washing machine. My friend thought it was strange, so he checked and found that his daughter had peed her pants! After asking, I found out that my daughter had peed her pants in kindergarten. Because the teacher kept talking, she didn\’t dare to \”disturb\” the teacher. \”Why don\’t you tell your mother when school is over?\” \”Because you are too busy and I don\’t want my mother to worry.\” After hearing what her daughter said, my friend felt so distressed that she almost cried. Normally, others praise her daughter for being sensible, well-behaved, and having high emotional intelligence. But at this moment, she realized that she was like an \”outsider\” in front of her children. If a child can\’t tell her mother if she has a grievance, who can she tell? Children who know how to look at their faces are not high in emotional intelligence. Last week, two friends and I had a get-together with our three children. During this period, my daughter wanted to eat ice cream, so I asked the three children around me: \”What flavor of ice cream do you want to eat? Auntie will buy it for you.\” \”I want strawberry flavor.\” \”I want chocolate flavor.\” \”Auntie, I want it. Don\’t eat ice cream, eating ice cream is bad for your teeth.\” Guo Guo said. \”It\’s okay to eat it once in a while, just have one.\” \”She never eats ice cream, you don\’t have to buy it for her.\” Before Guoguo could answer, her mother answered for Guoguo first. In the end, I bought one for Guoguo. Guoguo refused to eat it, but his eyes would glance at the ice cream on the table from time to time. While the other two children were playing happily, Guoguo took the initiative to get paper towels and peel oranges for us adults. Another friend said: \”Guoguo has a high emotional intelligence. She can do everything better than others and thinks a lot. She will be able to make mistakes when she grows up. It would be great if my child could worry less than she does.\” However, Guoguo is like this. Is your behavior really high in emotional intelligence? I don\’t think so. This child who knows how to look at his face is actually very distressing. It reminds me of Deng Sha’s son Dalinzi in a program I watched before, \”Mom is Superman\”. One of the plots is that Deng Sha often received express delivery, and her grandma always complained that she bought too much. Deng Sha asked Dalinzi: \”Don\’t you think mom bought too much?\” Dalinzi replied intuitively: \”Yes, there is no place to put it.\” But after hearing her mother ask again in displeasure, Dalinzi immediately changed his statement: \”You can buy as much as you want.\” Grandma\’s evaluation of Dalinzi was: Talk to people and talk to ghosts. This delicate, smart, and highly emotionally intelligent child in the eyes of others seems to be very sensible. He makes every adult happy, but is he happy himself? Children with \”high emotional intelligence\” may sacrifice their happiness. There is a question on Zhihu: \”Are sensible children happy?\” There are almost 4,000 answers, and most of the answers are – unhappy. Yin Jianli tells such a story in the book \”A Good Mother is Better than a Good Teacher\”. There was a little girl who didn\’t cry when she was sent to kindergarten on her first day. When she saw other children crying, she took the initiative to comfort them. The mother is very pleased that her daughter is sensible. However, not long after, the teacher called my mother to talk: \”I have been teaching for 20 years and I have never seen such a child. He doesn\’t cry or make trouble.How can you look at faces and please people? \”At such a young age, this is too hard, the pressure will be great, and it will be detrimental to future growth.\” The teacher talked about some small details of the girl\’s daily life: when eating, she would take the initiative to tell the teacher, \”I am working hard to eat.\” I will eat well\”, but the teacher did not ask her to eat faster; when sleeping, when the teacher patted other children to fall asleep, she would take the initiative to say, \”Teacher, you don\’t have to pat me anymore, thank you for your hard work.\” The child\’s language and behavior are completely beyond the characteristics of her age. The mother was shocked after hearing this. She had never thought that being sensible would be a disadvantage for her child. It turns out that my daughter lives so carefully, so tired, and so unhappy. Maybe like this mom. We have never realized that being \”sensible\” is a bad thing. We even thought it was a good thing for children not to cry or make noises or to ask for things from us. But who knows, what is the child who looks calm on the outside and the child who seems mature and sophisticated in his words, what is he thinking in his heart? Picture source: \”The Piano Boy Who Wants to Fly\” Wu Zhihong said: Being sensible is a deep despair. It is really not a good thing. On the surface, it brings trouble-free benefits to parents, but maybe deep down, it is because of fear. That sensible child sacrificed his own happiness to fulfill his parents and others. The more sensible children are, the more vulnerable they are. The China Youth Daily Social Survey Center once conducted a survey on \”sensible\” and found that 78.1% of adults like sensible children. Children are not born sensible. Their sense often comes from the \”hints\” of their parents. \”Mom works so hard, don\’t you know you feel sorry for her?\” \”Is it easy to raise you?\” \”If you don\’t obey me, I won\’t let you go.\” Maybe you are just venting your emotions, but these words will make your children Carrying a deep sense of guilt. Children who are overly sensible are afraid that if they don\’t do what their parents ask them to do and if they don\’t please their parents, they won\’t be loved by them. The lack of security causes them to engage in a series of behaviors beyond their age. The first person a child caters to is often their parents. If the response given by parents is \”You are right,\” then the child may go further and further down this road. It is a terrible thing for children to give up themselves in order to please adults at an age when they should be full of innocence. I read a story about the crying child who has milk. In the eyes of his father, his son is always disobedient and often makes nonsensical requests, but his daughter is very sensible. I also bought gifts for two children. When the daughter received the doll, she would happily say thank you to her father, but the son was not satisfied with the gift and insisted on buying a new one that he liked. The father helped his daughter to find out which universities would be suitable for her in the future. His daughter had always had excellent grades, but his son insisted on giving up his studies and studying drums. There was nothing he could do to stop him. In the process of raising two children, my father always felt that his daughter\’s good behavior reassured them, and his son\’s troubles made him worry. However, after his two children reached adulthood, the father discovered. My daughter\’s career has always been mediocre, but my son\’s company has become very popular and full of ideas. Until one day, my daughter said to her father: \”When I was a child, I was particularly envious of my brother for being able to do what he wanted.In order to please my parents, I said things that were against my will. \”Actually, I didn\’t like the fact that you always gave me dolls, but in order to prevent you from being sad, I had to pretend that I liked it.\” Children tossing in front of their parents is actually a kind of praise to their parents. Only when your children trust you and feel safe will they have no worries in front of you. Children do not need to wear masks in front of their parents. Shouldn’t we just say what we want to eat, what we want to buy, and what we want to do? Children who cry are fed by milk. As long as it is a reasonable request of the child, we should try our best to meet it. Never use your child\’s \”sensibleness\” as a way to show off, or use this as a condition to satisfy your child\’s wishes. Over time, children will really aim to be \”sensible\” just to get praise and appreciation from their parents. Children don\’t need to be sensible, and the \”high emotional intelligence\” tempered by anxiety is not worth carrying forward. A child who is confident and free will have truly high emotional intelligence.

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