• Sat. Dec 9th, 2023

The baby only kisses grandma and not me. How can we win this \”palace battle\”?

Reading a bedtime story on the sofa, I asked my 2-year-old daughter whether she wanted to sleep with her grandma or her mother tonight. The daughter replied in a sweet voice, \”Mom.\” I asked again, do you want to sleep with your mother or grandma? The daughter replied again, grandma. Phew, I couldn\’t help laughing. Every time I ask her this question, I get this answer. I don’t know if she really had a hard time deciding and didn’t want to “offend” anyone, or if she was naive and could only remember the last option in her little head. However, I also seriously thought about it, if she was determined in her heart that she really didn’t want to sleep with me and wanted to fall into grandma’s arms, I would be able to accept it calmly. Oh, God knows, I was never such a Buddhist before. I used to be a jealous person, with my mind smaller than the tip of a needle. I remember that two years ago, after I gave birth to a daughter whose head was slightly bigger than others, I couldn’t walk well for the first ten days. When I walked, it was like a mobile phone vibrating and shaking violently. If this is physical damage, my psychological damage level has reached a level that is unbearable for humans. Because I found that after the baby was born, I, the biological mother, didn’t know how to hold the baby! I cry as soon as I hold her, and stop as soon as my mother-in-law holds her. Especially during the day, as soon as I picked up the baby, the baby started crying. Even if my mother-in-law was squatting in the bathroom with the door closed, she would rush over and take the baby away and say, \”Oh, you don\’t even know how to hold me. I\’ll do it.\” …The series of actions were so fast and violent that I, a glass-hearted mother, was left empty-handed and lonely in the wind. The baby is only a few days old, and apart from breastfeeding, I have already been kicked out of the core decision-making circle of raising the baby. I am reminded of a relationship guidance lesson given to me by a married woman with children who was a bad friend when I was an ignorant old girl. At that time, I was fantasizing about the sweet happiness of becoming a mother in the future. When I mentioned that my mother-in-law would come to help me take care of the baby, she looked disdainful and rolled her eyes to her hips: You are either a friend or an enemy, I can’t tell the difference between good and bad! The biggest conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is fighting for favor in front of the baby. When the time comes, the baby only wants grandma and not you. It depends on you what to do! Is it such an exaggeration? At that time, I was dubious. Now that things have come to a head, her words have become deafening, and my anxiety is like hair falling out after giving birth, one after another, and I can\’t stop at all. I secretly thought that if I want to win back the highest decision-making power in raising children, I, a newbie, must be better at pleasing my \”master\” than my mother-in-law, who smells strongly of old ginger. Then there is only one way – I will do my best. I first retreated to advance, letting my mother-in-law indulge in the daydream that \”she has the final say in the whole family\”, and I started with the most difficult and core business of coaxing sleep. I started to read sleep books, take sleep classes, record the sleep characteristics of small-month-old babies, memorize seven or eight ways to put them to sleep, and collect 17 or 18 popular lullabies… I also secretly imitated my mother-in-law\’s baby-holding posture and visited the pediatrician. Children\’s nursing book, browse the parenting public account, and arm yourself with knowledge. But the theory of Kongxue will definitely not work without a practical machine. At night, it became the dividing line between my mother-in-law and I. I would rather wake up three or four times a night to breastfeed, hallucinate from exhaustion, almost die, and torture my teammates until they hang on just by a breath of fairy energy. I am determined not to let my grandma sleep with her granddaughter. The knowledge learned during the day comes in handy at night.Because I have confidence in my heart, when my baby cries, I will investigate various causes in an orderly manner. With more experience, I will be able to identify the baby\’s needs more and more accurately. If one method of coaxing him to sleep doesn\’t work, just try another one. The baby will no longer panic when he cries, and collapses along with it. I can handle more and more things, and in exchange my daughter becomes more and more attached to me. I always believe that the love between parents and children begins with every breastfeeding, every smile and hug, and is immersed in the hard work of bathing, coaxing to sleep, and changing diapers every night. In this way, I gradually won back the home court of parenting. My mother-in-law no longer treats me as a weakling who doesn\’t understand anything, and she no longer dares to make decisions about my children\’s affairs easily and without permission. But the good times didn\’t last long, and a bolt from the blue came. Something happened to my mother-in-law\’s hometown and she had to go back for half a month. She suggested that we take our 10-month-old daughter with her. I firmly opposed it, and my teammates couldn\’t accept it, but we both had to go to work, and my mother-in-law was gone, so it was impossible for my daughter to be a left-behind baby. After many considerations, the daughter was really taken away by her mother-in-law. On the first day of the video, she couldn\’t speak yet and cried from beginning to end. I wanted to pretend to be calm and comfort her, but when I saw a little face crying heartbrokenly on the phone screen, I completely collapsed, whimpering, crying like a separation between life and death, as if I would never see her again in this life. Unbelievable misery. The mother-in-law couldn\’t resist it and cut off the video decisively. The days start to feel like years, and going to work feels like a zombie. Although there is no need to question my mother-in-law\’s ability to take care of the baby, she wakes up in the middle of the night and wonders if the baby doesn\’t recognize me. After all, this has always been my pet peeve. Until I expected my daughter to come back, I rushed home as soon as I got off work, stretched out my arms in an exaggerated manner, and asked the girl flatteringly: \”The baby is back, let mommy come and hold one.\” She actually lowered her head and didn\’t even look at me. At a glance, he hid in grandma\’s arms. There was a loud bang in my mind, as if I was struck by lightning, and the nightmare… indeed came true. After not seeing each other for more than ten days, she no longer remembers me. She will only cling to grandma like a little kangaroo. I really tasted what it felt like to only kiss my grandma and not my mother. My heart hurt. I thought I had made the stupidest decision in my life. I was so heartbroken that I wanted to slap myself in the face. Some time ago, I saw Huang Shengyi in \”Mom is Superman\”. Her son is 6 years old, and he only kisses his grandma, not her, which made her embarrassed again and again in the show, going to outer space and taking off the \”Black Hole Mom\” title. Everyone couldn\’t help but scold her. She hadn\’t been seen acting in the past few years. Why was she hiding at home and not even raising a baby? But I can empathize with Huang Shengyi\’s inner struggle. No matter what happened to her before, such a situation would not be what a normal mother would want. In the show, she used her hot face to touch Andy\’s cold ass again and again, but Andy always refused and evaded. Just like when we chase a sweetheart, and the other person clearly says \”I don\’t like you\” time and time again, how long can a person with strong self-esteem last? Fortunately, the \”sweetheart\” I am pursuing is a child, and children live most in the present. Although she did not know how to chat with her 6-year-old son, did not understand his temperament and habits, could not see his real needs, and made many obvious mistakes… But as long as she did not give up her efforts, the childHe will get closer to her day by day. I did the same thing at the beginning. I have been separated from my daughter for 14 days, and she already feels a little strange to me, but every time I get off work, I take the initiative to stick with her, play interesting games with her, tell her stories, chat with her, give her a bath, and put her to sleep. …At the beginning, there were times when I was crying and asking my grandma to put me to sleep. My heart was so sore that I could only endure the pain and hand it over to my grandma. But it didn’t take long for her to fully adapt to my care. In recent issues of \”Mom is Superman\”, Huang Shengyi has done better and better, and her relationship with Andy has also made a qualitative leap. (While waiting for guests, Andy was restless and would hug his mother Huang Shengyi tightly to relieve his anxiety. You must know that physical contact was difficult for them before.) This is enough to prove that the parent-child relationship is two-way and constantly changing. If you don’t spend time with your children properly before the age of 6, will your children sentence you to death? I do not believe. (Huang Shengyi asked a child education expert, who encouraged her and said that it’s still not too late.) Don’t forget that we are adults. If life forces us to make helpless choices and be forced to sacrifice the opportunity to accompany our children, or if we don’t know how to accompany our children, If the parent-child relationship is hurt, don\’t be afraid, just accept it. As long as there is an opportunity, learn to take the initiative to establish a relationship with the child, reconnect with it, and provide careful, timely, and stable care and companionship. I believe that the child will trust us again and return to our arms. It\’s just that the longer the relationship is damaged, the more difficult it will be to rebuild. However, the advantage of adults is that they have more mature cognitive, thinking and emotional regulation abilities than children. Thinking back to the jealous and glass-hearted person I used to be, I was quite childish. When I gained confidence and took the initiative in my relationship with my child, I no longer struggled with the jealousy of my child kissing my grandma. My daughter has three people to cling to, mom, dad, and grandma, making her safe haven so strong. Isn’t it the happiest thing in the world?

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