• Tue. Dec 5th, 2023

The way to destroy a child is to do this behavior three times.

Two days ago, I took my daughter to a DIY handicraft experience store. After choosing the materials with my daughter, I sat aside and watched her make it. At this time, a mother and daughter at the next table attracted my attention. The little girl held up a string of half-finished bracelets and asked her mother excitedly: \”Mom, do you think it looks good with me like this?\” The mother was looking at her phone intently, her fingers tapping rapidly on the screen, facing her daughter\’s eyes. Asked, she didn\’t seem to hear. The girl lowered her head and said nothing. After a while, she approached her mother expectantly: \”Mom, does the bracelet I made look good?\” Her mother nodded perfunctorily, but her eyes never left the phone. The little girl looked disappointed, and the movements of her hands slowed down. A few minutes later, she handed the worn bracelet to her mother again and asked in a low voice: \”Mom, do you like it?\” Her mother raised her head casually, a little impatiently: \”Mom, you have something to do, you can play by yourself!\” The little girl was stunned for a moment, her eyes red for a moment, then suddenly threw her bracelet on the table and shouted: \”I don\’t want to play anymore!\” The mother finally came to her senses, but she didn\’t notice her daughter\’s grievance, but felt that she Unreasonable: \”If you don\’t have fun, go home!\” After saying that, he grabbed his daughter and walked towards the door. Looking at the little girl\’s back twitching from crying, I felt inexplicably distressed: from beginning to end, her mother didn\’t understand where her daughter\’s temper and tears came from. Maybe she just needs a little attention and affirmation from her mother; maybe she just wants to share what she thinks is beautiful with her beloved mother. However, her mother\’s neglect and neglect time and time again, like a basin of cold water, extinguished the desire in her heart little by little. Those losses, grievances and helplessness eventually caused her emotional collapse. There are too many such scenes in life. \”Wait a minute\”, \”I\’m busy\”, \”Don\’t bother me\”, \”Play by yourself\”… These are the words we most often say to our children when we are busy, when things don\’t go well, when we are angry. There is a term in psychology called \”existential anxiety\”, which means that no matter what a child says or does, his parents have a cold and perfunctory attitude, and the child will feel that he has no sense of existence and is not loved. . Once or twice may not matter, but if it happens too many times, the feeling of being ignored and abandoned is enough to destroy a child. Not long ago, a 10-year-old boy in Nanjing ran away from home and was found by the police wandering at a subway entrance. After questioning, I learned that he had run away more than ten times, and the reason was because his parents only worked or played with their mobile phones all day, and no one paid attention to him. In the boy\’s eyes, his parents don\’t even care about him as much as the police. There is a question on Zhihu: What is it like to be often ignored by your parents? One respondent said: This feeling is too familiar because I have felt it since I was a child. Every time I think about it, I shudder. It is like a very dull knife that keeps scratching the body without bleeding, but the pain is very real. She recalled: Every time her mother was in a bad mood, she would automatically switch to ignoring her. Talk to her and ignore her; buy her things and don’t want them; show her courtesy and walk away directly… Over time, she formed a pleaser personality, accompanied by extreme thoughts, a love for cutting corners, and a lack of knowledge.Very negative characters such as expressing one\’s own ideas, not being able to handle interpersonal relationships, being afraid of making mistakes, being cowardly, etc. The Institute of Psychology of the Chinese Academy of Sciences once conducted a questionnaire survey on 1,511 children. The results found that among the four major violent behaviors of physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse and neglect, \”neglect\” is most likely to cause depression and anxiety in children. Wu Zhihong said: \”Without response, the family is in a desperate situation.\” Perhaps children cannot understand their parents\’ behavior, but their parents\’ indifference will make them feel: It turns out that I am not that important. This kind of \”cold violence\” is more terrifying than beating and scolding children. The psychological trauma it causes to children may last a lifetime. Everyone craves attention, especially children. If you fail to respond in time when your child needs you the most, if you do it too many times and you have accumulated enough disappointment, he will no longer need you. In the movie \”Thirteen Dogs\”, Li Wan\’s father once promised to take her to an astronomy exhibition, but instead took her to a dinner that day. Seeing that the time was getting later and later, the father ignored his daughter\’s anxiety and pleas, and joked in front of everyone nonchalantly: \”You haven\’t figured out human affairs yet, why are you still watching the astronomy exhibition?\” Li Wan was very angry. I ran to the planetarium alone, only to find that it was already closed. Maybe her disappointment in her father has been accumulated since that moment? Because she was neglected, she placed all her emotions on her dog \”Einstein\”. Later, when her beloved dog was lost, all the loss and disappointment were ignited, and she collapsed in an instant. In fact, many times, children\’s \”disruption\” is just to get a simple response from their parents, because it represents care and attention. Singer Meiling Chen is the mother of three top students at Stanford University. Among her educational secrets, two points are particularly important: 1. Don’t neglect your children because of work. No matter how busy she is, she will play fishing games with her children every day before going to bed, even if it is only for 5 minutes. , is also a paradise for children. 2. When a child asks a question, she will never ask him to \”wait a minute.\” Even if she is cooking, when the child comes to ask her \”Mom, why is the sky blue?\” she will turn off the fire immediately and respond. Child: \”That\’s a great question. Let\’s find the answer together!\” The parents\’ timely response not only protects the child\’s thirst for knowledge, but also gives the child a sense of security: I am valued and I am loved. . Ma Yili also posted a post reflecting on her failure to give her child a sufficient emotional response: \”Under my stupid independent parenting concept, I insisted on waking her up in the middle of the night and taking her back to her crib even if she fell asleep… Then Most of the parenting concepts at that time were about training independence from childhood, delayed gratification, and frustration education. Now it seems that it is all nonsense! It is clear that the more dependence is satisfied, the more children who receive sufficient emotional response in infancy will be safe when they grow up. Feeling is truly independent!\” The antonym of love is not hate, but forgetfulness and neglect. Parents\’ seeing and responding can allow children to fully enjoy the nourishment of love and give them the confidence to be independent and brave. When dealing with children, \”irrelevant responses\” are the most taboo. For example, if your child\’s beloved pet is lost or dead, and the child is obviously very sad, but you say indifferently: \”It\’s okay, let\’s buy another one.\” Responding promptly does not mean: What does the child want?, I will give him something right away. \”Irrelevant responses\” make the child feel that his feelings are not accepted and understood, and he will never open up his heart; accepting all the child\’s needs regardless of the situation will make it difficult for the child to distinguish right from wrong and ignore rules. The correct response should be to stand from the child\’s perspective, listen to his voice, affirm his emotions, and then use a gentle and equal attitude to guide him to abide by the rules and learn to wait. At this point, Hu Ke\’s \”I know\” sentence structure has always been praised by others: when his son wanted to take away a toy that did not belong to him, Hu Ke said: \”I know you want this toy very much, but you can\’t take it home now.\” , you feel a little sad, but this is the rule.\” When his son came out of the water castle and cried because of fear, Hu Ke still hugged his son immediately: \”I know you are a little scared, but you behaved well and bravely, you persisted You\’re down, right?\” Saying \”I know\” lets the child feel the understanding and concern from his mother. A \”but\” helps children understand that not all requests can be met by others. More importantly, the mother\’s timely attention and gentle response let the child know that no matter what happens, the mother is always with him. \”The Road Less Traveled\” says: Education full of love brings luck, while education lacking love can only lead to misfortune. Caring parents are good at examining their children\’s needs and making rational and objective judgments. Responding to children is really not that difficult. As long as we are willing to squat down, see the world through children\’s eyes, and spend enough time to understand their children\’s voices. When a child\’s sense of existence and security is satisfied, he will not keep pestering his parents for demands. So, whenever your child needs you, please don\’t ignore him. Because, in the world of children, parents\’ response is always the most beautiful voice.

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