• Wed. Dec 6th, 2023

This \”cruel trick\” that ruins children is still used by many parents

Sometimes parents try to use material rewards to restrain their children\’s behavior and make them obedient. What seems to be a reasonable and enlightened reward and punishment measure is actually the \”cruel trick\” that is most likely to destroy a child. Parents have conditional rewards. The child hates going to Xiaowen\’s house to play on weekends. Xiaowen asked her 9-year-old daughter to sing a song. The little girl was shy and refused. Xiaowen felt embarrassed: \”Baby, just sing your new song.\” You learned it, sing it well, mommy will buy you toys tomorrow…\” The little girl was still coy at first, but after hearing these words, she entered the room without looking back. Xiaowen was a little angry: \”What kind of temper are you getting into? We agreed to buy toys.\” I was speechless for a moment. Why doesn\’t she want your reward? Some parents like to score their children\’s performance and receive material rewards for good performance. It\’s just that when you \”tempt\” the child to show yourself, you ignore the child\’s feelings. Children\’s self-awareness is slowly awakening, and their self-esteem is very strong. Conditional rewards from parents often frustrate children\’s self-esteem, and they believe that their value can only be measured by material things. Even showing yourself in front of others sometimes gives children a sense of \”naked\” shame. Rewards are always conditional, how can children like them? Do rewards and punishments make children more obedient? At noon, my cousin sent me a \”Family Behavior Reward and Punishment List\”, saying that it was specially formulated for my daughter Tiantian, and asked me to help take a look. After opening it, I was dumbfounded. \”If you don\’t cry for a day, you will be rewarded with a candy; if you get a small red flower, you will be rewarded with a new toy.\” The rules and regulations clearly state the standardized behaviors and rewards. \”Is this really going to make Tiantian obedient?\” \”Of course!\” the cousin answered decisively. Indeed, the reward and punishment schedule is reasonable and open-minded. There are clear regulations on what children should do and what they should not do. Rewards are given when they should be rewarded, and criticism is also unambiguous. Just be obedient? Children may behave well and obediently under restrictions for a while, but as a parent, you have forgotten whether the \”behavior norms\” you set are what the children should learn, or what you think \”should\”. It is good to set rules, but if it is just to make the children meet the parents\’ requirements, then it is not necessary. If you use rewards and punishments that you think \”should\” be used to restrain your children, slowly the children will also think that \”what their parents say is right\” and begin to blindly live according to the standards set by their parents. They have a distorted view of right and wrong, and only their parents follow. The child will no longer be a child. He has lost his wings and himself. When you are still complacent about your rewards, you don\’t realize that your child has quietly changed. Utilitarian love hurts us as parents. We watch this time earlier and more than our children. Therefore, parents often want to protect their children under their wings and \”experience\” their children according to worldly requirements, hoping that their children Fly higher and further. Originally love was pure, but love mixed with too much hope gradually deteriorated. This world is too utilitarian, and love is a little too market-oriented. Love is endless devotion and does not ask for anything in return. When we start to use \”reward\” chips to guide our children to comply with the norm, love is already implicitly expecting repayment. There is nothing wrong with being good to your children, but before you are good to your children, you must understand what your children need! In the name of love, we make more and more demands on our children, but the children stillBefore I had time to taste the taste of growing up, I was dragged up by my parents. You use material rewards to fill your children\’s motivation to move forward, and the children get lost in your utilitarian heart, and love becomes hurt. Good parents don\’t focus on results, but focus on accompanying their children. Mencius\’ mother\’s three moves were because Mencius became \”bad\” due to the influence of the environment. We are amazed by the mother\’s wisdom. But equally, we admire the parents who accompany their children through the experience before seeing the results. For a child\’s growth, the outcome does not seem to be important, what is important is the process of growth. When parents blindly guide their children to make decisions for their own good, they actually deprive their children of the right to grow independently. I once had a friend who graduated and entered a state-owned enterprise, but felt confused and decided to resign and take the postgraduate entrance examination. The family members shook their heads after hearing his decision. Only his parents were speechless and silently took out his books and supported him with actions. Later, my friend got his wish and cried bitterly while holding his parents. Without the support of his parents, he would not have had the courage to step into the examination room. The most important thing is that you accompany your child through this growth process, which is the best love for your child. How far can you go with your children in this life? Wipe away the utilitarian dust on your heart, and just hold a pure heart of \”loving him\”. There is no need to tell him in advance the results you foresee. Just slowly accompany your child to experience his life. ! He has to taste the ups and downs before he can grow up, and you have to learn to let go and accompany him to fulfill your duty. Seeing the beauty of life with your children, the practice of parents and children can be complete.

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