• Tue. Dec 5th, 2023

This sentence that parents often say has such a great impact on children

Before the summer vacation, many parents in the community are discussing exams and summer vacation arrangements with their children. Mom said, if you can get into the top three, I will take you to Ocean Park. Bao\’s dad said, if you don\’t review carefully, I won\’t send you to learn to swim. There are even violent fathers who say, if you don’t do well in the exam, I will beat you up! Parents pick it up casually, and any unrelated things can be combined into \”if…then…\” relationships, and the sentence pattern is perfect. However, is this logic really correct? If you think about it carefully, this is clearly an inducement or threat to the child. Those children who read \”Wealth and honor cannot be lascivious, poverty and lowliness cannot be moved, and power cannot be surrendered\” all surrendered in this sentence and worked hard to get rewards or avoid punishment. This method may have a certain effect in the short term, but it cannot let children understand the true meaning of learning. According to psychologists\’ follow-up observations, children who often do things because of such inducements or threats will lose the motivation to do it once they lose rewards or punishments. When there is a carrot in front of the donkey, its goal is to move forward. If it loses the carrot, it will feel that it can go or not. Parenting experts point out that educating children must follow \”natural consequences,\” which means allowing children to reap the consequences of the event itself and gain \”experiential growth.\” For example, if a child refuses to eat, we only need to let him experience the feeling of hunger. This is a natural result. But if parents say that if you don\’t eat, you are not allowed to play with toys, this is the logical consequence of the parents\’ formulation. If children often accept this logical thinking, they will slowly get used to negotiating condition B with their parents for thing A. Once they cannot obtain B, they will no longer implement A. I saw a conversation between a mother and her child before: Mom: If you can get 100 points, mom will give you 10 yuan. Child: Mom, I only want 5 yuan, is that okay? Mom: Yes, you are such a good and sensible child, you know how to understand your mother. Child: Thank you, mom. If I only have 5 yuan, I only need 50 points on the test! You see, most children will learn and apply immediately, decisively apply the mother\’s logic, and bargain with the mother, forming a wrong understanding of exchange. Children who are unable to experience the feelings of the thing itself and are always driven to do things by \”if…then…\” will still bargain when they do things in the hope of getting extra gains even when they grow up. Whenever he needs to take an extra step, he will think, why me? Why should I do this? What can I get? If you get rewarded, do it, otherwise there will be no discussion, and even the things that should be done should be done at a discount. He just wants to be satisfied close at hand without any delay. Feeling that you are helpful to the external environment is one of the three core human needs, and it is also an internal reward for yourself. It is the sense of satisfaction that intrinsic rewards bring to people. Even if the environment is unsatisfactory, even if you fail to get what you want for the time being, you can still maintain the motivation to move forward. And those who have always wanted to obtain external rewards since childhood will still find it difficult to be psychologically satisfied even if they get better salaries and luxurious benefits. Many parents complain that their children make repeated mistakes. One of the reasons is that they have not experienced thisThe natural result of the thing itself. Psychologist Rudolf Drakes once told a story in his book on child psychology. Ten-year-old Allen lost his baseball glove for the third time in one summer vacation. As before, after his father lectured him, Allen promised to take better care of his gloves next time. Dad finally said, okay, I will buy you one more pair in the end. If you lose them again, I will not buy them for you again. In fact, when Allen lost the first two pairs of gloves, his father said the same thing, and the final decision was the same. Allen cannot experience the consequences of his actions. He loves baseball and will eventually own a pair of gloves. His father\’s preaching is no longer the focus of his concern. In fact, at this time, the father only needs to reject Allen gently but firmly, without blaming or attacking, and let the child experience the inconvenience of not having a baseball glove, and then he will learn to cherish his own glove. Without personal experience, you will not be able to empathize, and the education that mistakes bring to children will appear to be powerless. There is a contrary story. When President Ronald Reagan was 12 years old, he broke a neighbor\’s window while playing football in the yard and had to pay $20 in compensation. Dad said, if you don’t have money to compensate, I will lend it to you, but you have to pay it back to me within a year. Dad spoke softly and did not criticize, but he was firm and it was imperative to pay back the money. In the next year, Reagan shined shoes, delivered newspapers, worked small jobs, and finally repaid his father the money. Reagan later mentioned in his memoirs that it was precisely because of this incident that he understood that people must take responsibility for what they do. Language education is far less impressive than actual experience on children. If it happens once, it can affect a lifetime. Because experiencing natural consequences can strengthen children\’s sensitivity to mistakes and serve as a better warning to prevent them from making repeated mistakes. Parents bear the consequences, and children do not get experience. All principles are just words on paper. When the critical moment comes, children will forget everything. Without experience, it is difficult to make progress. Parents need to pay attention to when allowing their children to experience natural results: 1. Respect the child and remember that the child is equal to us. We cannot use a condescending attitude to watch our children make mistakes and tell them after the fact: Look, I told you so. The original intention is to let the child experience natural consequences and gain experience, but a single word from the parents makes the child feel that he is accepting punishment for disobedience, thus stimulating the child\’s rebellious psychology. Even when adults receive such information, they often don\’t feel the other party\’s concern, and can only feel ridicule. They originally wanted to calm down and correct the mistakes, but their mood was disrupted. When children are sad, we only need to gently comfort them and give them understanding. Children can gain knowledge, grow, and develop their ability to resist frustration from experiences, and they can continue to become braver from these experiences. If he feels that the consequence of doing something wrong is only to be criticized and laughed at by his parents, he will not have the courage or interest to try new things next time. 2. If the child needs it, we must help him complete the experience. Once in the park, a six or seven-year-old child wanted to climb an adventure net. This net was originally designed for children to climb.It\’s relatively safe. The mother was worried about him falling, but the child climbed up despite his mother\’s objections. As a result, the child climbed to the highest point and looked down. He was so scared that he did not dare to come down. Mom said, don’t you have to climb up? Come down on your own if you can! The child cried aggrievedly and clung to the railing, feeling helpless. At this time, the child has actually received education, and the mother should gently comfort him and tell him how to get down safely. When a child is afraid, what we have to do is not to criticize, but to guide him out of his fear. Criticism and education at this time actually relieve the parents\’ anger and vent the children\’s courage. 3. When it comes to children’s safety, children must not be allowed to experience it personally. For a period of time, due to road construction, there was no separation of people and vehicles in the community. Many children always played in the area where vehicles passed by, and did not listen even after being told many times. The property manager of the community brought some interesting toys and gave them to the children to play with. Then he gathered the children together and placed the toys in the area where the cars passed by. A car came over and crushed all the toys. Many children I cried after picking up a broken toy. The property management told them that if they play here and accidentally hit the passing vehicles, they will be injured like this toy. Later, the children stopped playing there. Children\’s unique curiosity and rebelliousness often prompt them to do dangerous things when adults are not paying attention. If it is not guided well, it will be like a Pandora\’s box opened by curiosity, which will only bring disaster. We cannot afford such consequences. We can only eliminate children\’s curiosity through simulation or other substitute methods and let them know the consequences of doing so. 4. Parents must use their greatest strength to control the love they blurt out. Out of love for children, many words are easily blurted out when educating children. For example: if you climb up, you will fall! He even urged me repeatedly: If you don’t do your homework again, you will be criticized by the teacher tomorrow. Only children whose body and mind can accept small pains can withstand big storms. Injury is also a part of children\’s education. As long as parents control it properly, there is no need to remind them repeatedly. In many kindergartens in Japan, when children enter school, parents must be able to accept the fact that their children may be injured in the kindergarten. If parents cannot accept their children being injured in the kindergarten, the kindergarten may even refuse to admit the child. If adults provide transitional protection, help them figure out any consequences, and try their best to prevent them from doing so, children will not be able to grow through experience. Sometimes, failure is more rewarding than success, and pain is more memorable than comfort. We cannot take care of everything in detail, we just need to provide a healthy environment for them to try. I believe that parents will change their \”if…then…\” thinking and allow their children to experience and learn for themselves. Children will grow up happier and parents will educate them more smoothly.

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