• Sat. Dec 9th, 2023

Those Chinese children ruined by the dangers of comparison psychology

The little girl cried in my class without any warning. She looked up at me, fat tears streaming down her face uncontrollably. This was my first time teaching such a young child, and it was also the first time I encountered a child crying in class. I didn’t know what to do at all, so I instinctively stopped, squatted in front of her, and wiped her tears. I\’m afraid she\’s not feeling well. The little girl didn\’t have time to answer my question, but the girl next to her answered me loudly: \”Teacher, she doesn\’t have confidence.\” What? Before I could respond, the other children began to talk: \”She cried in the last class too!\” \”She does this in every class, and Teacher Yang ignores her!\” I moved the bangs that were blocking her eyes. On one side, look into her eyes. The little girl sobbed and said: \”They all know how to memorize it, but I can\’t, ugh…\” There were children in the class, ranging from first grade to fifth grade. They are different in terms of intellectual development level and understanding ability, and the requirements for them cannot be the same. The older children can recite a five-character quatrain in a short time, but she, who has just entered the first grade, cannot, and she cannot accept that someone can recite it faster than her. After class, she wrapped herself in the curtains and looked at the quarreling classmates from a distance, feeling very depressed. In order to divert her emotions, I asked her to perform the Latin dance she was good at for her classmates. Unexpectedly, everyone\’s applause did not make her happy, and she kept saying: \”I just can\’t compare to them.\” Seeing her shrinking, cautious, and frustrated, I felt bad. A child who is only in first grade has such a heavy pressure on his heart. Everything must be compared with others. If you are happy than you are, but you are sad if you are not, how can your child be happy at all? People are born with a strong sense of self-esteem, eager to be recognized and worshiped by others, and think that they are the strongest one. This is the \”Monkey King Psychology\” in psychology. If parents have an excessive \”monkey king mentality\” and are competitive, it will directly or indirectly guide or influence their children to compare themselves with others. However, when comparing, there will be winners and losers, strong and weak. If the consequences of the comparison are unsatisfactory, the children themselves will be disappointed and the parents will blame the children. The following language may be what you often say to your children: You only know how to play. Look at Bingbing, who studies every day, and how good his grades are! You look so dirty, you must have gotten into trouble again! You see, Xiao Bing is very obedient and never makes adults angry. Why are you so stupid? I have been memorizing this poem for a long time, but I still can’t remember it. Fangfang next door memorized it after reciting it twice. If you continue to be disobedient like this, we will no longer want you and let Haohao be our child. These words are sometimes made by parents who are angry and unscrupulous, sometimes they are aggressive tactics used by parents, and sometimes parents feel that their face has been damaged and they have to let their children know that they are angry. But once these words are spoken, what kind of harm will they do to the child? How could my already wounded heart endure the repeated accusations from my parents? I remember that my former neighbors were a couple who were workers in a chemical factory. Their education was low, their work was hard and tiring, and their wages were not high. Their hope for their daughter Yingzi is to study hard, get ahead, and no longer suffer the same suffering as her parents. As long as Yingzi does not do well in the exam, I can hear the roar next door at home: Why are you so stupid? You can’t even do arithmetic.If someone is missing two points, why not die? You are inferior to a pig or a dog. Is it easy for your parents to support you in school? Yingzi was also restricted from playing with her classmates. \”My grades are so bad, but I still have the nerve to play with others. You are so embarrassed, but I feel embarrassed.\” Gradually, Yingzi always walked alone and kept silent. The whole person was introverted and had low self-esteem, and his grades plummeted. If your grades drop, your parents will scold you; if your parents scold you, you will even fail in the exam. He hides at home all day long and is unwilling to interact with others. He trembles all over when he sees strangers and has difficulty socializing. Psychologist Adler said in \”Inferiority and Transcendence\”: \”We live in contact with others. If we isolate ourselves because of inferiority, we will surely destroy ourselves.\” People with low self-esteem have a low sense of self-worth. Even a sense of worthlessness, this denial of the self, is actually an attack on the self, leading to self-isolation and depression. Yu Minhong once spent ten years getting over his low self-esteem. He said: \”Inferiority is an emotion worse than arrogance, because it makes you afraid of failure and dare not do anything.\” And now I understand. , not daring to do anything is the biggest failure. Jealousy is a double-edged sword. Moderate jealousy makes people work hard to catch up and surpass. Zhou Guoping characterized jealousy. He said: \”Since jealousy is inevitable for everyone, perhaps it is not appropriate to regard it as a disease or evil, but as a neutral thing.\” Only when it hurts oneself, it is a disease. It is evil only when it harms others. The expression of jealousy in children is just a minor illness or evil. For example: when a little guest comes to the house, and the parents are more enthusiastic, the child will pout and get angry, or even obstruct it. When other children wear beautiful new clothes, they will cry and ask their mothers to buy them, and they will even ask for perms and lipstick, just to compare with each other. When playing games, you must win by yourself. If you lose, you will destroy the game and use strong words to make excuses. . Sibling competition barriers in two-child families also arise from jealousy among siblings. In the variety show \”Mom is Superman\”, Alyssa Chia\’s daughter was jealous of her mother holding her sister, so she pushed her sister to the ground. Sometimes, a child\’s jealousy is simply the instinct to possess a mother\’s love. Comparing parents intentionally or unintentionally will make this jealousy worse. In June this year, a murder case involving a junior high school student occurred in Zibo, Shandong. The cause is jealousy. The suspect Qin and the victim Ma were among the best in academic performance and were neck and neck. Classmate Qin’s parents are teachers, and classmate Ma’s parents are ordinary workers. In the eyes of Classmate Qin\’s parents, a son born into a teacher\’s family should be better than Classmate Ma. The pressure from her parents made Qin jealous. The Bible says: \”Because of the jealousy of the devil, death entered the world.\” This tragedy happened. The French thinker La Rochefoucauld also said in his \”Moral Proverbs\”: \”Jealousy is the root of all evil. People with jealousy will not have the slightest sympathy.\” Jealousy will only make people more aggressive. , became vicious. When children are young, their self-evaluation comes more from the evaluation of people close to them. When children are young, family is all they have. Families teach children how to view the world, and children canEnough to decide who you are and how you should relate to others. This is the point of view in Susan Forward\’s book \”Family of Origin\”. To correctly evaluate their children, parents must first change their own concepts. Good children are not made through competition, but through love. Parents should give their children unconditional love and let them understand that even if they are not the best, even if they fail miserably, their parents\’ love will not disappear. German psychologist and educator Herbart said: \”Children need love, especially when the child is not worthy of love.\” Parents should use the perspective of love to discover the strengths and progress of their children. With a sense of security, children will be braver. Parents should admit that they are not perfect and learn to improve themselves. Parents should be responsible for their own wrong behaviors, take charge of their own feelings and emotions, and continue to learn and improve their educational skills. As first-time parents, it is inevitable that you will make mistakes, but education is no small matter, so please cultivate your children with a reverent heart. The growth process of children is also the growth process of parents. As you grow, revise your concepts and behaviors. Correctly guide children to participate in competition, and let them endure hardships to hone their ability to resist setbacks. Cai Kangyong wrote in the book \”Goodwill Messages to a Cruel Society\”: When we see other people\’s children or partners, we inevitably want to compare: \”Why can\’t you be like that person?\” Well, there must be expectations for family members, but in the end It\’s better not to compare. Comparing too much will make each other jealous and resentful, which is useless. Therefore, parents must have a peaceful mind. Be your child\’s life coach, let your child be a player on the court, and allow your child to make mistakes and be frustrated. To strengthen the cultivation of children\’s \”reverse business\”, we must not only win, but also let go. If you really can\’t help but compare, please listen to Erica Rescher\’s advice in \”A Practical Guide to Quality Parenting\”: Emphasize to your children that the definition of success is your continuous efforts and achievements. Make personal progress bit by bit rather than comparing yourself to the achievements of others. Please encourage your children to compare with yourself and don’t let “other people’s children” ruin your own children.

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