A few days ago, a mother called to consult on how to set rules for her children. She told her experience of failing to set rules for her children: her son went to kindergarten in the middle class and always played until late every day before going to bed, and he had to go to school the next day. I often can\’t get up when I go to school, so I hope to develop a good habit for my son to fall asleep on time. I bought a beautiful alarm clock and hung it on my son’s bedside, taught him how to recognize the hour and minute hands, and then told him that we would turn off the lights and go to bed at 9 p.m. However, every time it was time to go to bed, my son firmly opposed it and cried and fussed for a long time. If I don\’t set his bedtime and let him play as he pleases, he can usually play until he goes to bed at 11 or 12pm; if I ask him to go to bed earlier, he will cry until he goes to bed at 11pm. After a few days of this, my son always goes to bed so late, whether requested or not. Should I stop restricting him and let him go to bed at 11 o\’clock? We ask children to go to bed earlier because adequate sleep is good for the child\’s physical development, and the child will go to kindergarten the next day. If you get up too late, you will not be able to go out on time, and it will also affect your parents\’ work. So clearly setting a bedtime is necessary. So why is it that setting rules for children has no beginning and no end and makes it difficult to enforce them? After in-depth communication, it turned out that when the child cried, the mother simply couldn\’t bear it and would either compromise or yell. She said: I really couldn\’t stand his crying. Sometimes I would do everything possible to comfort him, coax him, and try to divert his attention. In the end, I had no choice but to give in; sometimes I would lose patience and yell at him: \”Stop making trouble! It annoys me so much! Mom will leave if you make trouble again!\” The child feels that his freedom is restricted and expresses his anger through crying, but the mother cannot allow the child to vent his emotions. This is the crux of the matter. I remember when my son was young, when I came home, the old man who was taking care of his children would often tell me: When you were not at home, your child was very good and obedient. When you came back, your child turned into a naughty boy and lost his temper. . At first, I was a little strange and a little worried. Then I saw this passage in the \”American Parenting Encyclopedia\”: When the mother is away and the person taking care of the child tells you that the child behaves like an angel, you must not Don\’t be too quick to be happy. This is just because children don\’t have enough trust in other people, so they don\’t dare to test their bottom line. It turns out that the reason why my child is naughty and bad-tempered in front of me is because I am the person closest to him and he has enough trust in me. Think about it, isn\’t it the same for us adults? We are more likely to open up our hearts or vent some emotions in front of people we trust. I have a son and a daughter at home, and I have also noticed that when children are angry, boys and girls express themselves in different ways. My brother’s behavior is more through behavior. For example, he sometimes slams doors or objects in anger. The younger sister mostly uses language. For example, she will cry and say: \”I\’m so angry!\” or \”I hate you!\” When children are angry, it is both a challenge and an opportunity for us, because such moments are a good opportunity to teach children emotional management.. How should we deal with children\’s anger? By following these four steps, we can become emotional coaches around our children and teach them to control their emotions better and better. Be aware of yourself and stay calm. Your child has the right to feel angry when he feels he is being treated unfairly. Anger is a child\’s right, and we should respect this right of our children. So why do we often find it difficult to tolerate children’s anger? Just like the mother who often failed to set rules. When she was very young, she was raised by her grandmother because of the birth of her younger sister. When she reached school age, she began to study in a boarding school, and her relationship with her parents was never very close. , especially if I have a bad relationship with my mother. Recalling her childhood, she said that her mother had a very bad temper. She often got angry suddenly over the smallest things and often beat and scolded herself. In her heart, there was a lot of dissatisfaction and anger towards her mother. When her children cry, they often unconsciously bring back memories of her own isolation as a child. When the pain resurfaced, she was unable to stay calm at the time, control her emotions well, and was unable to provide good emotional guidance to her children. Sociologist T. J. Scheff said that the more repressed feelings a person accumulates, the less able he is to tolerate others venting such feelings, because others\’ venting will disturb one\’s tranquility. Because the mother had repressed many of her own emotions, she was unable to tolerate the catharsis of her child\’s emotions. When the child cries, she either gives in or yells to suppress it. Renowned psychologist Daniel Siegel believes that our past experiences influence the way we educate our children. The past that has not been properly dealt with may create hidden dangers that affect our relationships with our children. The problems caused by these hidden dangers can easily lead to conflicts between us and our children. And when conflicts occur, this inappropriate psychology will weaken our ability to think rationally and respond in a timely manner. When a child throws a tantrum that upsets us, we might as well look inward to see what experiences or experiences in the past may be related to our reaction, and then take care of the hurt child inside. By being aware of ourselves and trying to solve our own problems, we are more likely to stay calm in the moment and respond to our children\’s emotions in a more flexible way. When we remain calm, we approach the child. If we ourselves are irritated, we must calm ourselves down before talking to the child. Listen actively and understand that need anger cannot arise without reason, there must be a reason behind it. For children, it is likely that some psychological needs are not being met. We may go crazy when faced with a child who may explode at any moment. But what we can do is to be patient, be patient again, listen to the child, and understand his unmet needs. Some parents prefer to deal with their children\’s anger with indifference, neglect, or cold treatment. Research has found that children who have been treated indifferently for a long time may lead to two extremes. One is that they become immature and develop a pleaser personality and lose themselves; the other is that they are very irritable, unable to control their emotions and prone to hysteria. Either way, it hurts. When a child is least cuteThis is actually the time when they need love most. At this time, what children need is acceptance, understanding and empathy, not long sermons or preaching. We just need to stay with him, pay attention to him, comfort him, and allow him to vent his anger. When the child\’s anger subsides, we can try to empathize with the child: \”The child took away the toy without your consent. Are you very angry?\” \”My sister destroyed what you finally built.\” Building Blocks, you must be mad. If it were me, I would be very angry too.\” Empathizing with children will help us reconnect with them. Our gentle tone of voice, our patience and comfort can help children\’s anger gradually subside. Sometimes children will say some extreme words in anger, such as: \”Mom, I hate you!\” \”I hate you!\” and so on. Remember, this is just him expressing strong emotions, so don\’t take it too seriously. If you tell your child: \”Don\’t say such things. I don\’t want to hear it a second time.\” Then it will only trigger more intense emotions in the child. You can say: \”You seem to be angry because I didn\’t buy you that stuffed bear toy just now, right?\” When children feel that their emotions are understood, it is easier to liberate themselves from the emotional brain and use their rational brain to think. and reaction. Understanding children\’s needs does not mean that we must actually satisfy them. Sometimes we can satisfy them in a fun and fantasy way. My daughter once forgot to take her beloved toy bunny with her when she went out. She lost her temper when she remembered it on the way and insisted on going back to get it. However, because she had already traveled a long way and had things to do, it was impossible to actually go back to get it. So, I told her, \”It\’s really annoying not having Little Rabbit by my side. I really wish we had a helicopter so that we could fly back and get Little Rabbit.\” Soon, her mood calmed down. Turn your attention elsewhere. What your child needs is not that every wish is fulfilled, but that you see his needs and wishes and understand his true feelings in this situation. Teach your children to express anger in positive ways. When your child becomes emotional, it is a good opportunity to develop his emotional intelligence. He can\’t express it, but we can teach him how to express it, and we can analyze with him how this emotion arises and what happened in the process. Children are children after all. When expressing anger, they may throw things, slam doors, pull their hair, or shout loudly, curse, etc. These are all negative ways. As parents, we can lead our children in a positive direction. We need to let our children know that we can all have negative emotions, that everyone will have them, and that it is normal to have these emotions. We don’t need to restrain ourselves, we just need to vent it out. But next time, can we use a peaceful way? When your child is angry, you can teach him to take deep breaths or count from 1 to 10. You can also take a walk outside with your children and let them express their feelings and express their opinions in words. You can also allow him to stamp his feet or hit the pillow. Often help children practice expressing anger in positive ways instead of blindly attacking, and children will become more and more capableThe ability to control one\’s anger. Set Behavioral Limits and Solve Problems Together When helping your child deal with anger, set limits on your child\’s behavior. The three most basic bottom lines are: don’t hurt others, don’t hurt yourself, and don’t damage things. When a child is angry and wants to throw the chair, we must stop his impulsive behavior in time. When a brother gets angry and wants to hit his sister, we must stop him immediately. I respect your right to be angry, but I will never allow you to take extreme actions. I allow you to express your anger, but you cannot break the bottom line and hurt others or yourself. I once saw a video in which a son punched and kicked his mother because she refused to let her play with her mobile phone. The mother just endured it silently. This was really pampering her child. Parents\’ restrictions on their children\’s behavior are like red lights at a crossroads, letting children know when they must stop and not allow their violent emotions to step on the accelerator all the way. With fences, you are safer; with rules, you are freer. By setting behavioral limits for children, children will have a longer-term and more secure sense of security. We need to wait until the child calms down before we help the child solve the problem. Many times we don’t need to rush to give our opinions. Instead, we can inspire the children to think on their own or work with them to find solutions. Sometimes the wisdom of children cannot be underestimated. The Bible \”Proverbs\” says: \”A gentle answer turns away wrath; a harsh word stirs up anger.\” When children are angry, what they need is patient listening and gentle guidance. In the face of a child\’s anger, what we have to do is to try to understand his anger and sincerely solve his worries. Growth takes time, and proper guidance from parents can help children learn to manage their own emotions more maturely and understand the emotions of others, until they slowly grow into a child with high emotional intelligence.