• Sat. Dec 2nd, 2023

Understanding self-reflection and growth is the ultimate secret to educating children


Oct 1, 2023

Child psychologist Professor Haim G. Ginot once compared parents to surgeons in his book \”Give Me Your Hands, Child\”. If a surgeon has passion and love for his patients but does not have the skills to perform surgery, he will definitely not be able to cure the patient. The same goes for being a parent. Reciting Chinese Classics: All 446 episodes of China Central People\’s Broadcasting Station Reading and Appreciation Audio [Complete] For the growth of children, love alone is not enough, it is also important to master the skills of parenting. Actor Ma Yili once posted on Weibo: When taking care of her eldest daughter, she believed in the \”independent parenting method\” and let her child sleep in a separate bed from her early. Later, after studying, I discovered that I had made a mistake: sleeping in separate beds with my children too early was not only detrimental to their independence, but also affected their establishment of a sense of security. After reflection, she adjusted her parenting style in a timely manner while accompanying her little daughter to grow up, giving her child more love and dependence. To be fair, raising children is not an easy task. There is a lot of knowledge that needs to be learned continuously. It is indeed difficult for parents to cover everything. Failure to do something well, or inadvertently using inappropriate education methods is almost a necessary process on the road to parenting. Therefore, it is particularly important for parents to know how to reflect and learn. No one is born to be a parent. Those who can educate outstanding children are all parents who know how to reflect and learn. Parents know how to reflect and learn, are aware of problems, are willing to make changes, and gradually master rich educational experience and skills, so they can guide their children to grow better and educate their children more and more skillfully. For the parents themselves, it is also the second growth in life. Knowing how to reflect can give children appropriate and effective education. When parents perceive and interpret certain behaviors, they can consciously and effectively relate them to their own or their children\’s mental state. This is a reflective parent. For example, when tutoring children with homework, they still cannot understand the knowledge points and keep getting the questions wrong after teaching them many times. Parents are also anxious at this time, but parents who know how to reflect will think deeply: If you allow your emotions to develop and lose your temper with your children, it will not be helpful to your children\’s homework. On the contrary, it will increase the children\’s psychological pressure and negative emotions towards learning. . As a result, he was able to adjust his emotions, avoid yelling and criticizing his children, regain his patience, and give his children specific help. Another example: Parents had a bad day at work and were upset. When they got home and saw their children making noise, their emotions were about to get out of control. Parents who know how to reflect will give themselves a buffer time to consider that the source of their negative emotions does not actually lie with their children, so they can avoid venting their emotions towards innocent children and causing harm to them. Parents who lack the ability to self-reflect often react instinctively to their own emotions or their children\’s behavior. They often can only see the problems in their children, punish and force them simply and rudely, and do not look for the reasons within themselves. This is also the worst state of education. Just like the parents who have frequently sent their children to the police station in the past two years, accusing them of being “thieves” and asking them to discipline them, if they knew how to think about these questions: Why are their childrenYour son wants something but dare not tell his parents? Does it mean that there are already problems in the parent-child relationship? Why does the child want that thing? Is it because the basic material needs are not met? Or is it out of social need, to gain recognition from peers? Only by starting with these problems and then guiding the children can we fundamentally solve the problem and see the children\’s feelings and needs. No matter the age of the child or the severity of the matter, sending the child to the police station quite a bit means \”shirking the responsibility of raising children\”. It can also easily destroy the child\’s self-esteem and is not conducive to the child\’s personality and psychological development. Psychologist Seidez said: \”People are like porcelain, and early childhood is like the clay used to make porcelain. What kind of education you give will determine what kind of prototype it will become.\” Almost all problems in children can be traced to their parents themselves. and educational methods to find the answer. If your child learns unconsciously and procrastinates, please think about whether you have pushed him or done too much and failed to let him learn self-management. If your child likes to lie, please think about whether you overreact or punish your child when he makes a mistake. Too heavy; if your child doesn’t like reading and is obsessed with electronic products, please think about whether you usually only watch TV and play with mobile phones, setting a bad example… When children have certain problems, parents should first What you need to do is to reflect on yourself and see if your education methods have gone astray and whether you have set a bad example for your children. Through reflection and learning, timely adjustment of education methods and continuous improvement of oneself, children will naturally change in a positive direction. The so-called \”raise yourself first before raising children\” is exactly this principle. Knowing how to reflect can reduce the negative impact of childhood experiences. When educating children, parents will also be affected by their own childhood experiences, early experiences and trauma. A mother once said that every time her child cries, she becomes extremely irritable and wants to leave immediately, leaving the child alone or spanking her to make him stop crying immediately. After several psychological consultations, she understood the reason. It turns out that during her childhood, her family was very busy with business, and her mother rarely had time to patiently accompany and care for her. Whenever she cried, her mother would scold her fiercely, \”Why are you crying! If you want to cry, stay away and cry!\” Her feelings, emotions, and needs were always ignored. Therefore, when she became a mother, her child\’s crying would bring back memories of her childhood, reminding her of her helpless and weak self at that time, and her heart was full of pain, making it difficult to face it. When a child\’s behavior triggers a parent\’s traumatic experience in childhood, the parent is likely to be dominated by past feelings, lose control of their emotions, or treat their child the same way they have been treated. In this process, there are often some very hurtful words and deeds, which cause a psychological shadow on the child and affect his growth trajectory. Even the famous translator and writer Fu Lei was unable to avoid this problem. Fu Lei lost his father when he was four years old. His second brother and one sister died because their mother was away from home and there was no one to take care of them at home. The mother left only the eldest son Fu Lei, and she was extremely strict with him. He would be beaten if he couldn\’t recite the book. He once described his childhood as \”only sad faces but no laughter\”. His painful childhood experiences and his mother\’s strict discipline made him withdrawn and irritable.character. After becoming a father, he was also extremely strict with his children\’s education. As Fu Lei gets older, he often falls into guilt and self-blame when he recalls his attitude towards his children during their childhood. He wrote in a letter to his son that he would lose his temper with his son every day because of trivial matters such as dressing and eating. \”I scolded you when you were getting dressed for school because you only wiped a handful on your face when washing your face; I got mad at you when you didn\’t wipe your shoes; and I got mad at you when you accidentally dropped something on the floor. I yelled at you again.\” \”During breakfast, I found your fault again: you put things on the floor, you ate greedily; you put your elbows on the table, and you spread too much butter on the bread. Thick.\” \”When I went to bed last night, I relived your childhood again. Poor child, how come your childhood is so similar to mine?\” Fu Lei, who had always been cold and harsh to his son, became infinitely kind after reflection. He is gentle and caring, caring for his son\’s life meticulously, and lovingly educating his son on how to be a human being and how to make art. This is how the \”Fu Lei Family Letter\”, which is full of deep love between father and son, came into being. Daniel Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry in the United States, once said: \”If you cannot reflect and reflect, you will often repeat the same mistakes… Research clearly tells us that if we do not process and understand these experiences, the relationship between children and us will The attachment relationship will be affected by our childhood experiences.\” In order to avoid bringing the anger, grievance, and sadness of childhood into the new round of parent-child relationships, parents need to learn to reflect on their early experiences and feelings, think about the source of emotions, and heal Past trauma. For example, parents who grew up being picky will have their nervousness and restlessness with them as they grow up. When they become parents, they will most likely be picky and dissatisfied with their children, and will not know how to appreciate and affirm their children. Parents can look back on their childhood experiences, embrace the picky child in their hearts, and give themselves more love and affirmation. When there is less fear and uneasiness in the heart, and the parent loves and accepts himself, the parent\’s state will improve, and the mood will be more stable when facing the child, and he will have more energy to give love. I once read a post posted by a netizen, and I was deeply moved: \”The child slipped and spilled his milk and cereal all over the carpet, as well as on the carpet. I didn\’t yell at her or get angry. I helped her. I got up, helped her change her clothes, and then she helped me clean up here. There were no tears, no shame, and no shouting in the whole process. My parents would yell at me in this situation, and they would clean me up. I refused. Let yourself be like that.\” When parents know how to reflect, learn to think from others\’ perspective, and care about their children\’s feelings, education will become full of love and wisdom, and the parent-child relationship will be better. As the psychoanalyst Winnicott said, children do not need us to be perfect. What they need are parents who are willing to grow and repair, and know how to open up and soften when their hearts want to harden. Parents who understand self-reflection and growth are the ultimate secrets to educating their children.

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