• Mon. Dec 4th, 2023

Wanting the world\’s praise is a disease, and the root cause may be the sentence we most often say to our children.

There are about ten children in Ogawa\’s elephant class. They are all young (between 5-8 years old). It is normal for them to be unable to sit still in class. One time, a child was swaying his buttocks, but he kept pulling the child next to him to laugh and chat. His mother couldn\’t stand it anymore, so she pulled him to the corner and scolded him: \”Why don\’t you listen carefully in class?! If you keep making trouble like this, the teacher will be angry and won\’t teach you anymore!\” Stop the child\’s bad behavior in time The behavior was certainly correct, but the mother seemed to have missed the point. Stop it, xx is angry. I remembered that some time ago, Yang Ying, a postdoctoral fellow in brain science, once said such an experience on Weibo: She was riding a high-speed train, and a child of about 6 years old in the back seat kept kicking her chair. She felt very helpless. I said to the child’s mother: “Can you please stop the child from kicking my chair?” After hearing this, the mother did stop the child immediately, but she said this: “Stop kicking, Auntie is angry. !” Only then did I realize that in life, there are quite a few parents who use “Stop it, xx is angry.” to educate their children. There is nothing wrong with this approach at first glance, but in fact, it avoids the child\’s mistakes and attributes the \”reasons not to be done\” to others. In the long run, children will not be able to find the essence of the problem. Constantly testing the bottom line, leading to out-of-control behavior. Psychologically speaking, a child\’s brain is only accustomed to linear thinking, and he can only understand and remember the direct conclusions inferred from our teachings. Therefore, when his mother did not directly point out his \”wrong\” behavior and told him the possible direct consequences, but attributed the consequences to other people\’s displeasure, his inferred conclusion was: others can do it without being angry. . Then, as long as others don\’t express their displeasure in the future, he will continue to do it and continue to violate other people\’s boundaries and bottom lines. Heim said in \”Give Me Your Hand, Child\”: Every child develops a sense of responsibility through his own efforts and experiences. When a child makes a mistake, if we cannot objectively point out the child\’s mistake, but use other people\’s preferences to guide his behavior, then the child will not only be unable to get up from failures and mistakes, but will also become accustomed to using other people\’s preferences when he grows up. Judgment of right and wrong based on vision, and finally shaped into a pleasing personality. In this way, the sense of responsibility he has developed will deviate. Instead of bearing the consequences of things, he will be responsible for the emotions and moods of others. A pleaser personality? To put it simply, a pleaser personality means that before doing something, you always think about how others will react and whether your behavior meets other people\’s expectations; you have no principles, and you are used to looking at other people\’s faces in everything, and take whether others are happy or unhappy as your criterion. This is the case for young writer Jiang Fangzhou. She said that she wanted others to like her too much, so she became a flattering person. She once shared such an experience in \”Qi Pa Shuo\”. Her friend asked her, since you were a child, have you ever had a real relationship with the people around you? In front of him, you can expose your worst side and dare to argue loudly with him, regardless of your image. When her friend asked this question, she was stunned. She suddenly discovered that not only was she unable to express her true emotions in front of her colleagues and friends, but she was also unable to express her true emotions in front of her closest lover.In front of me, I also blindly want to please the other person. The most profound memory she had was when she had a fight with her boyfriend. The other person kept scolding her loudly on the phone, but she did not show any dissatisfaction at all and even said she was sorry for two whole hours. Later, when she learned about the term \”pleasant personality\”, she suddenly connected it with her own behavior. It all stems from her childhood experiences. In order to please her mother and show \”I am a good and thrifty child\” in front of her mother, she would save her own breakfast money. If she was hungry, she would pick up other people\’s leftovers. In order to please those around her who are more successful and older than her, even if she feels that what some teachers and guests say are nonsense, she will respectfully say, \”You are so right, give us another paragraph.\” \”She habitually suppressed her true feelings and used methods such as \”I am very good and my reading ability is very strong\” to obtain praise from others. Gradually, she discovered that the self that was liked by others covered a real truth. of myself and lost myself. Pleasing is really a disease. Psychologist Harriet Braiker mentioned in his book that many pleasers no longer simply please others, but uncontrollably please others, subconsciously sacrifice themselves, and even become addicted to the appreciation and recognition from others. Wanting to be praised by the whole world is a disease. A while ago, Soo-ah, the second female lead in the popular Korean drama \”My ID is Gangnam Beauty\”, was like this. Because she was abandoned by her parents since she was a child, with no one to care about or care for her, she was dirty every day, and was often laughed at and isolated by other children. Therefore, she was particularly eager to be recognized by others. One day, she found that she had become more beautiful, and when all the compliments came to her, she felt unprecedented satisfaction. This also made her realize that only beautiful people will be loved by everyone. So, she set a \”rule\” for herself: 1. She must become beautiful and cute, and cannot be arrogant. 2. You must be obedient and not too smart. 3. Always smile, cooperate with others, be kind and considerate. In order to make everyone think that she is naturally beautiful and can eat no matter how much she eats without gaining weight, she deliberately eats a lot in front of others and then goes to the toilet to induce vomiting afterwards. In order to make everyone think that she is not only beautiful, but also kind and considerate, even when faced with very annoying boys, she never refuses, greets her with a smile, and even says against her will: I think the senior is handsome. She looks forward to other people\’s love and attention, and is afraid that others will not see her. She feels that only by living in the sight and praise of others can she find a sense of existence. However, her \”pleasant personality\”, which was eager to be praised by others, gradually eroded her normal life, and eventually caused her to darken and gradually lose herself. To abide by principles and pursue myself, I often think about how to cultivate my Xiaochuan. Sometimes I am afraid that my accidentally \”blurting out\” will become a habit in my life, and in the end, it will cause inevitable harm to his growth. When we inadvertently say \”Stop being like this, xx is angry\”, we may not have thought carefully about what we said to eliminate the anger in others and stop the child\’s behavior.There is such harm. But whether it is a child who has no sense of boundaries and always wants to test the bottom line of others, or whether he or she loses himself and lives in other people\’s faces, we don\’t want to see either of these situations. As children grow up, mistakes are inevitable. But when they \”make mistakes\”, it is much better to help them review the experience, objectively analyze the rights and wrongs, and tell them the consequences and impact of their behavior than simply using \”other people are angry\” to scare children. Of course that doesn\’t mean that other people\’s moods are unimportant. We must tell our children to understand and respect the feelings of others, but before that, they must first distinguish between right and wrong, and first learn to respect themselves. He does or does not do that, not because \”others like or dislike\”, but because this is right and that is wrong, because this is the basic principle. Because we always hope that our children can achieve a truly independent and happy self when they grow up.

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