• Sat. Dec 2nd, 2023

What gives children a sense of security? It\’s not just because you stick with your mother.

A few days ago, a friend expressed his bitterness in the group. He said that since his son was born, he has insisted on taking care of him personally. I am afraid that the elderly will not be able to take care of them well, and I am also afraid that the children without their mothers will lack a sense of security. She felt fine before, but since sending her child to kindergarten, she felt confused. On the first day of school, my son hugged his leg and refused to let go. It took two kindergarten teachers to pull him off. Then she cried and called for her mother. That day she hid behind the classroom window, silently wiping her tears, and really wanted to take her child back. The next day, my son didn’t go out at all, and it was useless to say anything. Later, she forcibly carried the child downstairs and sent him to school. Then the separation was an upgraded version of the day before. After persisting for a few days, she felt that she couldn\’t bear it anymore. I am afraid that my son will break his voice from crying at school, and I am afraid that my son will hate me. Then give the child three days off. I hope I can do a good job as a child. As a result, I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place, and I ask everyone what should I do? I can’t figure out why my child still lacks a sense of security despite being carefully cared for? She is a well-known good mother in the circle. Wherever her son appears, she must be within 1 meter. In her words, \”My son is my lifeblood. I can\’t live without him and I dare not let him go.\” When the child is still an infant, such meticulous maternal love can often give the child the best care. But in many cases, the child is slowly growing up and changing, but the mother\’s state has not changed and she has not grown. Two-year-olds can do some dangerous exploring. Parents carefully surround their children and don\’t allow them to do it. Children as young as three or four may go to the park outside to try how fast their feet can run. I also want to try how powerful my fist is. I even think about challenging children who are older than me. But many children don\’t have this opportunity. \”Don\’t run, you\’ll fall.\” \”Put your fists away, and I\’ll beat you if you continue to fight.\” \”Can you be more careful and find fault with the older children?\”… Parents have always put their children in a position of their own. in a small protective circle. Thinking that this is love, the sense of security that children want. As a result, it cannot give children a real sense of security. Because in addition to love, a sense of security also requires a core. A person\’s sense of security comes from his ability to get along with the world. That is to say, the strength of the self is mainly reflected in whether the heart is strong enough. Many mothers say that their children behave very differently at home than when they face the world independently. The \”little tiger at home\” goes out and turns into a \”shrinking little mouse.\” This situation is often related to the child\’s inner feelings when facing the world. Children with strong hearts know how to get along with others and how to protect themselves so that they will not be afraid. On the contrary, children whose psychological foundation is built on their parents cannot find themselves once they leave their parents. I don’t know how to speak, and I don’t even know whether to walk with my left foot or my right foot first. Please actively encourage your children to complete something independently. Doing so allows children to know themselves and affirm themselves. I remember that my son was just three years old, and one day I was going to the warehouse downstairs to deliver express. But when I got there, I found that I didn\’t have the express delivery receipt. I said casually: \”It would be great if someone could help me take it down.\” Followed behindThe little guy in front of me immediately said he would go by himself. I said, do you dare to go upstairs alone? He said no problem. Since there was no elevator, he had to climb six floors by himself. I want him to try it. After he left, I still pricked my ears down below to listen to the sound of him climbing the stairs. Then I called my wife and said that my son had gone up to get something. When he finally put the order in my hands. I saw that confident smile on his face. Children always want to be able to complete some seemingly difficult tasks. Use this to find and affirm your abilities. If parents always say: \”You can\’t do it, you really can\’t do it!\” The result of denying the child will make the child feel that he really can\’t do it. Let your children try to handle things on their own. Because when they face the world independently, they are with their true selves. Security also comes from a person\’s own ability. A truly capable person will never lose his sense of security in any environment. But a person who lacks ability will find a bunch of reasons to cover up his fear and anxiety. In fact, the same is true for children. So when a friend says: \”When is the best time for my child to go to kindergarten?\” the answer is when the child is ready. For example, when a child can express and communicate fluently, knows the rules of how to get along with other children, can take care of his own clothes and shoes, can handle toilet and defecation freely, and has no inner fear of separation. Every point is a reflection of ability, see if you can handle it. This ability is not innate. Parents need to nurture them the day after tomorrow so that their children can slowly develop this ability. Obviously, parents who assume responsibility cannot let their children develop their own abilities. Within a safe range, let the children try it on their own. In fact, children themselves will also test the level of danger. For example, we have a small playground downstairs, which is also an adventure playground for children. Especially for boys, there are several ways to get to the top of the slide besides taking the stairs. One day I saw three or four boys using a beam next to the slide as a horizontal bar. Each child was carefully hoisted up, then hung in the air, swaying toward the open space in front of him. At this time, a grandma saw it and immediately pulled her grandson down. \”If you play like this and break your leg, what should you do?\” The child was pulled to play with other things. My son was also standing there. I said why don\’t you give it a try. He said he didn\’t dare. I said you should play other things first and take your time. A few days later, I found him practicing that movement slowly. Every time I do it carefully, getting better every time. Finally, I was able to play by myself, and excitedly asked me to come over and watch. Let children explore as much as they want within a safe range. Let the child do it by himself, and his abilities will gradually improve. We let go of the child\’s hand, but we can never ignore the child\’s heart. Your child doesn\’t need your intervention, but he craves your active attention. I think only parents who truly understand their children dare to let go. There is a special relationship between children and their parents – a \”secure attachment\” relationship. This feeling will accompany a person\’s life. Parents\’ attention and intimate love are the two keys for children to form a \”secure attachment\” relationship. \”When I\’m unhappy, I feel sad. My emotions need to be seen, regardless ofWhat is my purpose, I first hope that someone pays attention to my emotions instead of ignoring and attacking them. \”This can make children feel that they are loved and valued by their parents. So when my son came to me with his toys with a sad look on his face and said, \”Dad, my wheel has fallen off.\” \”Actually, at this time, he just hopes that I can respond to his feelings. \”Are you unhappy, or daddy to fix it for you. \”No matter how busy you are, you must pay attention to your children\’s problems, because that is a big deal in their eyes.\” Okay! \”At this time, my son immediately became happy and waited for me to tinker with him. Even if the repair cannot be done well, the child will not be sad because his parents feel his emotions and actively help him, and this is enough. When he When I had two ulcers in my mouth, I talked to the teacher for a long time in school. I guess the teacher didn\’t have enough time to pay attention to his little problem. When he came home, I said, \”Dad, I also know that you are in pain, and I will find a way.\” I will cure it for you, but it will require your cooperation and recovery time. You know that white blood cells are also very busy. \”When he gets a positive response and knows what he will do next, the child\’s anxiety will be dispelled and he will feel safe. Parents should give their children careful psychological care and attention. Only in this way can they empathize, understand and respect Him. As for your child\’s behavior, please remember to let go. Let him feel, be independent, and develop his own abilities and thoughts. These two should be the two keys to cultivating a child\’s sense of security, and neither is indispensable.

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