What kind of family can raise excellent children? There are many different bad education methods, but there are basically only a few good ones. In my daily interactions with children, the first scenario I can think of is when the child behaves badly. In the face of these bad behaviors, parents who understand education will have a skill – looking at needs through behavior. . Tips for smart parents: Look at needs through behavior. What is looking at needs through behavior? I will use the iceberg theory to demonstrate it, and it will be easy for you to understand. If we compare children\’s problems to icebergs. A child\’s behavior is just the tip of the iceberg that we can see on the horizontal plane. We often think that is the entire iceberg, but in fact, the various needs hidden under the water are the root cause of children\’s problems. To hammer home the point, behavior is triggered by emotion, and emotion stems from a child’s deep-seated needs. If we do not master the ability to \”see needs through behavior\”, we often see the iceberg emerging from the water and want to quickly correct it and get rid of this \”bad behavior\”. But do you know? This kind of education method that treats the symptoms but not the root cause will lead to endless \”bad behaviors\” in children. Let me give you an example to see what the differences are between parents who have not mastered this ability and those who have. For example, if a child loves to touch the breast, it is probably because the child has reached the stage of attachment to a \”transitional object\” and touching the breast will make him feel safe. What will parents who don’t understand do? ——You may feel ashamed or think this is a bad habit. Strict parents may scold and stop them, while gentle parents may be secretly worried. Do you know what the result is? The child may no longer touch the breasts, but pick the belly button. What do parents who have mastered it do? ——They will not be led by the child\’s behavior, but will think and find what the child\’s real needs are? Is it because of recent changes in the environment that make you feel insecure? Or has it reached the stage of attachment to a \”transitional object\”? How can we meet the needs of our children? Only by finding the child\’s needs through behavior and satisfying them fundamentally can we call \”treating the root cause rather than the symptoms.\” After talking about this, I know you will definitely want to say, \”It\’s not that simple! You know the principles, but you can\’t grasp the essentials in practice!\” Amway has a particularly magical tool – the \”Error Purpose Chart\”, you can Compare children\’s different behaviors in life to find out their real needs. Master the \”wrong purpose list\” to discover the needs behind children\’s behavior. This \”wrong purpose list\” comes from positive discipline. They summarize the purposes behind children\’s behavior into four types – attracting attention, seeking power, revenge, and self-destruction. I will help you make specific judgments from three aspects: \”parents\’ feelings at the time\”, \”reaction to the child\’s behavior\” and \”child\’s response behavior\”. When you encounter those headaches, you can compare them~ 1. Attract attention. When children want to attract the attention of their parents, most of our feelings at the time are \”upset, angry, worried, guilty\”, and then naturally Will remind or coax the child\’s behavior. What happens in the end? In most cases, children can only pause for a while after our coaxing, and will soon do it again.It won\’t stop until you start stopping what you\’re doing and giving him one-on-one attention. To take the most common example, our children always like to act like monsters when we are on the phone or at work. They either make noises and yell, or come over to poke and touch here and there. After we remind them a few words, they will restrain themselves. But within two minutes he started acting like a monster again. My kids often do this too. When I first started my business, I often worked overtime at home. Once, as soon as I put the tycoon\’s meal on the table, I received a call from my colleague. So I fed him while talking on the phone. After just a few mouthfuls of feeding, he started acting like a monster. He spit out the meat, kicked the baby high chair with his feet, and finally knocked over the water glass next to him… which made me check after a while. Did the food taste bad? I checked to see if the baby chair was pinching my stomach. I was really upset and worried. Later, when I hung up the phone and concentrated on feeding him, this guy had no problems. What should we do when faced with these behaviors of children in order to “attract attention”? The first step is to provide verbal comfort: \”I know you want to play with mom, and mom also wants to play with you. You can play a game with dad first, and then mom will come to accompany you…\” The second step is to let the child participate. A certain task gets useful attention. For example, ask him to help bring your work notebook, ask him to help bring you a piece of fruit or a glass of water. This will make him feel involved and useful. 2. Seeking power. When children are seeking power, parents often feel \”angry, having their authority challenged, and compromising\”; at the same time, they immediately engage in a battle with the child, trying to persuade or require the child to obey; and the child will also deliberately Infuriating parents, they intensify their dissent. For example, if a child takes off his clothes outdoors and the parents refuse to listen, this is not because the child does not understand the cold and heat, but because he is engaged in a power struggle. He wants to have the right to put on and take off his clothes. The correct way to handle this situation is to withdraw from the struggle and let the child take responsibility for the choice. Don\’t force your child to wear clothes directly, but demonstrate that it is warm to wrap up tightly, and then let your child choose whether to run into a nearby store to put them on or put them on now before leaving. In our daily lives, we try to give our children as many opportunities as possible to make decisions in a wide range of ways, so that they can feel like they are the boss. Let him decide what pajamas to wear at night, whether to use a spoon or a fork when eating, and whether he will be the first to answer the doorbell when it rings… In these small things, it can not only satisfy their need to seek rights, but also exercise some life skills, why not Why not? 3. It is easier to judge whether the purpose of retaliating against a child is revenge. When parents feel \”sad, disappointed, disbelieving, and disgusted\” and think that their children are targeting them, they will fight back. When children face the parents\’ counterattack, they may escalate their previous behavior and take revenge on the parents. This is not yet common among our younger children, but it is very common among some adolescent children who commit suicide. For example, there was a previous news report about \”a boy in the third grade of junior high school jumped off a building and died after being slapped by his parents.\” Children cannot punish their parents, so they can only choose to hurt themselves to make their parents regret it and to retaliate against their parents. In the face of retaliatory behavior, we canThe first thing to do is to acknowledge the child\’s sad feelings and avoid letting your own impulse to \”fight violence with violence\” create a vicious cycle. The second is to make amends by expressing your feelings by apologizing. 4. Self-destruction is actually what we most easily overlook. Many times we parents feel \”helpless, disappointed, and powerless\” when facing our children, so we over-help or directly do it for them. However, with our enthusiastic help, our children do not improve, but become more negative and even give up trying. . For example, have we ever had an experience like this: a child originally liked building building blocks, but one time he couldn\’t put the blocks on top properly. After you went to help build the blocks, not only did you not see the child\’s happy expression, but on the contrary He simply stopped playing, and even worse, turned around and knocked down the blocks you had built. In this way, we directly help our children do things, which seems to be a kind-hearted way to help them. In fact, what we reveal is that we have no confidence in the children\’s abilities and feel that they can\’t complete it, so we directly help them do it. How do we do this? First of all, you must believe in your children\’s abilities. You can demonstrate to your children and teach them the correct skills and methods, but you cannot do it for them. The second is to help the child break down the task into small steps, making it easier for the child to complete and experience this success for himself. For example, guide the children to first try to put together large blocks to make a strong foundation, building one layer higher at a time. During the operation, guide the children to observe whether the shapes and interfaces of the two blocks can match… Therefore, we need to watch the children clearly. Behind the self-destruction behavior, the child is actually asking for help: \”Don\’t give up on me, teach me what to do.\” Well, regarding the behavior and the needs behind it, I will write these first today. After reading the article, please remember to apply it in your life. Get up. Finally, I believe everyone should have discovered that the key to \”scientific parenting\” is that we parents must first possess certain knowledge and methods. But parenting can be said to be a complex project. From intelligence to emotional intelligence, from health to play, from theory to practice, there is so much knowledge that we parents need to learn.