• Tue. Dec 5th, 2023

What parents need to control is not their children, but their own hearts that can’t let go.

Whatever the children under control do is wrong: \”Don\’t pour water by yourself, be careful of scalding your hands!\” \”Don\’t touch that, be careful of getting hurt!\” \”You don\’t need to worry about this, just take care of your studies!\” \”Listen to me , don’t fool around with yourself!” “I told you, why didn’t you listen?” “I told you not to do this!”… Parents may often blurt out words to give orders, but you may not know that these words are being spoken quietly Affects a child\’s life. Parental control will affect life. If you think that children who were habitually controlled by their parents when they were young will change on their own when they grow up. Then I can tell you responsibly: this is very, very difficult! For example, even if I am married and have children now, every time I come back from the supermarket, my mother will always ask: \”What did I buy and how much did it cost?\” If I don\’t answer, my mother will look through the shopping bag to check the receipt. price. After checking, she would say: \”This is so expensive, why did you buy it? That one is of no use, what a waste of money!\” Then I would start to doubt my own judgment and aesthetics, and re-evaluate my life. And ended up thinking, \”Well, I\’m just a good-for-nothing person.\” Under my mother\’s control and brainwashing, she made me believe: \”I\’m so lazy, so stupid, and my mother-in-law doesn\’t like me so much. I\’m useless and I can\’t take care of my own children!\” I grew up under the control of my parents. Children, even if they have their own children, are weak and powerless, as if they have never grown up and have no confidence in being able to raise them well. The task of taking care of children naturally falls on the elders. After my son, Xiao Fu, went to kindergarten, I wanted to take him away from my parents. My mother said, \”Now that your wings are hardened, you don\’t need me anymore. If you leave, never come back! I\’m old and useless!\” \”But if I continue to stay, my mother will say, \”How hard I have worked since I brought up your child! At such an old age, I will not be able to enjoy a day of happiness.\” Whatever I do is wrong, and I often feel very painful. Over-domination is control. If I grew up under the control of my mother, then my brother is even more pitiful. My mother gave birth to my younger brother at the age of 41. As the only male in the family, my younger brother has been loved by millions since he was a child. I won’t describe the details anymore, but let’s talk about my brother’s current situation. My younger brother is now 25 years old. He only does three things every day, eat, sleep, and play games. The most common thing he says every day is: \”Mom, what should I eat?\” He doesn\’t work at all (and doesn\’t want to), doesn\’t go out (except to go to Internet cafes), and doesn\’t socialize (except with his teammates who play games). He is like a pet kept in captivity at home, losing all basic skills for survival. I can\’t even imagine what my brother\’s life will be like when his parents are too old to move or even pass away. From an outsider\’s perspective, I would say this objectively: My brother\’s life has been pretty much ruined. I once thought that maybe as long as he was alive, it would be the greatest comfort to his parents. Parents probably think: We will always support you, but what about his own life? Autism comes from being too controlled. In my previous company, I had a colleague named Xiao D. When I first joined the company, he was the first to open the door every day, clean the boss\’s office, and then sit down and play games.At first I thought he was a relative of the boss and that was why he was so confident. But after listening to colleagues’ gossip, I learned that Little D has autism and has difficulty communicating with others. He has been living with his mother after his parents divorced. The boss rented a house that was managed by Little D\’s mother. Out of kindness, he took Little D into the company, ostensibly to give him a job, but in reality it was to do some basic work as a \”sweeping monk\”. Every month, Little D’s mother gives 300 yuan to the boss, and then the boss gives Little D as “salary”. After listening to it, I felt very moved and sighed at the greatness of maternal love in this world. There was a dinner party at work, and we invited Little D to join us. Little D was very happy at first, talking and laughing, but then he turned around and answered a phone call, and his expression changed when he came back. He hesitated and said to us, \”I don\’t want to eat. My mother asked me to go back. She doesn\’t seem to have the key. I have to give her the key.\” After that, Little D turned around and left. Everyone seemed to have discovered something. . In fact, the ordinary little D is no different from ordinary people except that he communicates less with others, does not look into other people\’s eyes when talking, and has a somewhat evasive and dissociated expression when speaking. Especially when we talk about topics that interest him (such as games), he will also be very happy. But when he talks about his mother, he becomes silent for a moment and falls into an autistic state. Perhaps, little D is not really autistic, but his mother\’s love suffocates him. Control is the worst education Ever since I had children, I often look back at my growth path. Like all parents, their children are their own flesh and blood, and they cannot help but worry about them. Worried that he would be hungry, tired, sick, or fallen, worried about whether he would be able to be treated gently by the world without me by his side. A psychology teacher once said: \”Worrying too much about your child is tantamount to cursing him to death.\” This is no exaggeration. Behind the autistic little D is a mother who interferes with who she eats with. My younger brother was pampered and did not look for a job at the age of 25, but stayed at home because all his food, clothing, housing and transportation had been taken care of by his family. They are like frogs boiling in warm water. They gradually lose their vital functions, are gradually consumed by this kind of life, and finally die slowly. The source of the need for control is a lack of security. Controlling mothers mostly come from families of origin where there is no security. When they were young, they often lacked food and clothing, or experienced family separation and turbulent life. When they grow up, they try to take control in their own way so that their world will not collapse. They want to give everything they don\’t get to their children, and their control over their children is due to their own strong insecurity. Therefore, I would rather my children play games at home every day and waste their whole lives than go to the outside world and experience the wind and rain. But after all, a mother cannot live her entire life on behalf of her child. Children also have their own lives and independent will, and they need to be responsible for their own lives. Life is precious, but love is expensive. If you are free to consider, you can throw away both. The predecessors told me with their lives and blood: freedom is not only faith, but also a need of human nature. If a child does not even have basic freedom and respect, his life will only end tragically. Face your own need for control correctly. I also have a need for control over my children. I would get angry if he didn\’t take the toys away. If he doesn\’t go to bed on time, I will get angrygas. If he doesn\’t listen, I will get angry. But I would rather he argue with me and give his own opinions and reasonable explanations than blindly obey. Because I know that I can\’t control him and protect him for a lifetime. So you can\’t pamper him obediently from the beginning. Because I know that if I protect him in every possible way now, he will suffer a lot in society in the future. Everything he needs to experience and experience by himself, and everything he needs to hone himself to gain valuable experience, is indispensable. In fact, what parents need to control most is not their children, but their own hearts that cannot let go. A small step for parents to improve, a big step for children\’s growth.

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