• Tue. Dec 5th, 2023

What should I do if my baby becomes more and more disobedient the more I am reasonable?


Oct 1, 2023

The more parents like to be reasonable, the more disobedient their children tend to be. \”Being reasonable\” is a kind of education method that many parents like and has always been praised positively. But people often find that being reasonable is useless for many children. The more parents like to be reasonable, the more disobedient their children are. One parent said that her 7-year-old daughter is very rebellious and does whatever she is not allowed to do. She often tries to reason with her child, but the child refuses to listen, which often makes the parent lose her temper. She knew it was wrong to beat and scold her children, but she didn’t know what to do. She told an incident: She lived on the fifth floor of an apartment building and there was no elevator, so she had to go up and down the stairs. Recently, my daughter likes to go downstairs like this: one arm is put on the handrail of the stairs, and she slides down with her arms and legs without any effort. The mother does not allow the child to do this, saying that the stair handrails are not usually wiped, and the clothes will be stained and worn. But when he went downstairs again, the child behaved like that again and again, and the parents finally lost their patience and lost their temper. Children don\’t dare to do that in front of their parents, but they find every opportunity to secretly go downstairs like that. The undersides of their clothes and sleeves are often dirty. After stating the matter, the parent added in a disappointed tone: My child is naturally not as sensible as other children. I actually respect her quite a bit. I have told her the truth so many times, but she doesn’t seem to listen to a word. I say to parents, since you have discovered that reasoning is useless, it at least means that in this matter, reasoning is wrong. If you find that it is wrong, you should stop immediately. The parents looked confused and asked me with some emotional resistance, \”Is it wrong to be reasonable?\” How to educate her? I said, it\’s very simple. Go home and find two rags. You and your child can use one to wipe the stair handrails from top to bottom. This not only does a good job, but also satisfies the children\’s fun of using their hands and feet to go downstairs. Give it a try and see. How\’s the effect. When the parents heard this, they suddenly realized, yes, it’s so simple, why didn’t I think of it! Why do I just think about trying to reason with her? The reason why this parent didn\’t expect it was that she had only paid attention to how \”reasonable\” she said, and didn\’t think about how unreasonable she was. In this case, the child just wanted to walk up the stairs in a different way, but the parents were not considerate of the child. They did not give the child such a tiny bit of childishness and could not tolerate such a simple attempt. This is the same as what parents say about giving children \” \”Respect\” is completely irrelevant. There are no ignorant children in the world. If you want your children to understand the truth, parents must first do something reasonable. Doing something reasonable is much more important than speaking something reasonable. To make children \”understand the truth\”, don\’t just tell them the truth. You must first give them the opportunity to gain continuous experience in practice. I once saw a piece of news that Zhang Zhongliang and his wife in Panyu, Guangzhou adopted 10 orphans. When the children did something wrong, Zhang Zhongliang and his wife would not scold them or talk about the truth. Instead, they would let the children realize a truth through experience. understanding. For example, one time, Zhang Zhongliang asked his youngest daughter Mun En to take her blind sister Meichun out to play. For some reason, Mun En left Meichun alone outside and came back alone. After Zhang Zhongliang found out, he didn\’t say much. He just asked little Mun En to do an experience: cover Mun En\’s eyes with a towel and let herTake a walk outside by yourself. From then on, Munn became very sensible. This detail is enough to make us admire Zhang Zhongliang and his wife even more. They may not have studied education or psychology, but they have such a thorough understanding of education. Without true love for children, it would be impossible to have this understanding. \”Teaching without words\” is a classic education method that has been passed down through the ages. In theory, everyone agrees. However, when encountering a problem, most people\’s first thought is always how to persuade their children and how to reason with them. For example, I often receive letters like this: young parents describe in detail how the elders take care of their children and dote on them, which leads to many problems in the children. However, the question raised later is: \”In this case, how can I reason with the children and make them happy?\” Correct the shortcomings?\” There are also many parents whose children encountered cold violence from school teachers, which made the children tired of studying. Parents do not think of ways to report to the school and solve the teacher\’s problems, nor do they make any efforts to communicate with the teacher, but they come to ask me \”how to do ideological work for their children so that they will no longer be tired of studying.\” This kind of strange logic is often encountered. It is obvious that the adults did something wrong and hurt the children, but they target the children for reform, hoping that just by talking and saying something, the child\’s condition can be improved. How is this possible? Talking about the heroes of the Three Kingdoms: The Three Kingdoms Liu Bei + Cao Cao + Lu Bu + Kong Ming + Guan Gong, all 551 episodes mp3 Treating \”reasoning\” as education is almost a common problem of \”problematic parents\”. People\’s preference for \”reasoning\” often comes from Due to inertia of thinking. People who have received too much \”big principles\” education at home and school since childhood often become lovers of truth. In their experience and understanding, the relationship between the educator and the educated is that of informing and being informed; the so-called education means that \”people who understand\” speak to \”people who don\’t understand.\” Therefore, they show responsibility and love for their children, and tell them how to do everything big and small. However, this unilateralist way of thinking is the easiest way to get people into educational difficulties. One parent said that when he had no children, he looked down upon those who spanked their children and felt that adults were really incompetent to conquer children by force. After he had his own son, when he encountered problems, he always patiently reasoned with them. However, as the child grew older, he found that his belief in \”convincing people with reason\” became less and less feasible. Children are often stubborn and rebellious. No matter what their parents say, they just won\’t listen. So he began to doubt whether he was doing the right thing, and people around him told him from time to time that educating boys should be rough. Just tell him what is right and wrong, and what you want him to do. There is nothing to discuss. , must obey, otherwise use force. Therefore, there were two conflicts between him and the child, and he really couldn\’t control it and attacked the child. Only then did he realize that he had no skills and had degenerated into the kind of parent he once despised. This parent’s approach is very representative. Many parents, including many school teachers, often fall into this routine when faced with their children’s problems: first make sense, then criticize if it doesn’t work, and if that doesn’t work, just criticize them. Temper comes to conquer. Or make a fuss about the child\’s feelings, such as stating how much I have paid for you.Less hard work, but you are so ignorant…use this to \”influence\” the children. The thinker Rousseau once said that three educational methods that are not only unhelpful but harmful to children are: reasoning, losing temper, and deliberately moving. This important reminder has been around for hundreds of years, but these three methods are what many parents practice and use most skillfully. Whenever I quote this quote from Rousseau on different occasions, it always arouses questions and confusion from others: If a child refuses to listen to reason, what else can be done except getting angry or trying to influence him? Shouldn\’t we educate him? Of course, children must be educated, but using big principles to pressure people and forcing children to accept the \”reasons\” verbally from their parents is using brute force and a sign of lazy and rough thinking. Not only does it not help solve the problem, it will actually make it worse. The more the button is tied, the more complicated it becomes, and the more it is tied, the more deadly it becomes. Education is an art that emphasizes simplicity and sophistication. If you change your \”reasonable\” mindset and make some changes, the effect may be much better. There was a mother who started brushing her child\’s teeth every night when the child was one and a half years old, but the little one refused to cooperate. No matter how much reasoning the mother tried, it was useless. Brushing teeth became a daily battle, always causing trouble for both parties. unhappy. Later, the mother thought of a way. The child had a little bear toy that he liked very much. Before brushing his teeth at night, the mother said to the child: \”Baby, the little bear hasn\’t brushed his teeth for so long. He has toothache and cavities. Please help him.\” Can you brush your teeth?\” The child happily took the toothbrush prepared by his mother and helped the little bear brush it. After brushing the little bear\’s teeth, the mother praised the child for brushing well and said: \”The little bear is so good. He cooperates so well with brushing his teeth.\” Then asked the child: \”Baby, do you want the little bear to see that you are also very good?\” Will you cooperate with your mother in brushing your teeth?\” The child happily said yes and cooperated with her mother in brushing her teeth like never before. After a few days of this, the child no longer hates brushing his teeth. Another parent said that his 4-year-old child has two problems: one is disobedient and the other is prone to crying. Ask me what to do. I asked him to give a recent example of disobedience. He said that these days, the child always goes downstairs to play before going to bed at night. No matter how the parents tell him that it is dark outside and the children have gone home and they will play again tomorrow, the child will not listen and just cries. Gotta go downstairs. I said, the two problems you mentioned are actually one and can be solved together. From today on, try to listen to your children in everything. If he wants to go downstairs before going to bed, work harder and carry him downstairs. He can stay downstairs as long as he wants. Use a similar approach with other things. The parent was a little surprised and worried, but he still did as I said when he went back, and the result was unexpected. He later told me that the child had to go downstairs again before going to bed that day. The parents said nothing, happily dressed him and took him downstairs. It was dark outside, the cold wind was blowing, and there was no one downstairs. As soon as he put the child on the ground, the child asked him to carry him home. The parents deliberately said that since they were down, they should stay a little longer, but the children refused to stay any longer and said they wanted to go home and sleep. After returning home, the child immediately became very obedient, brushing his teeth when he was told, and taking off his clothes when he was told. Since then, parents have talked less and done more about other small things, and try their best to listen to their children\’s opinions.As a result, the child\’s crying was greatly reduced. More than 2,000 years ago, Xunzi distinguished effective education and ineffective education into \”the learning of gentlemen\” and \”the learning of villains\”. \”The learning of a gentleman\” enters through the ears, enters the heart, spreads throughout the body, and affects behavior; while the \”learning of a villain\” enters through the ears and exits through the mouth, and only travels 4 inches, so it is difficult to affect the entire body. people. In the words of the thinker Rousseau, \”A cold theory can only affect our opinions, but cannot determine our behavior; it can make us believe it, but it cannot make us act according to it. What it reveals is that we should What we think, not what we should do”. Modern psychological research has confirmed the views of Eastern and Western sages: the distance between reasoning and accepting truth may be very long. Whether a person can accept other people\’s opinions depends first on the emotion, then on the other person\’s behavior, and finally on the other person\’s language – this is true for adults, let alone children. Dogma is not important, education is important. Being an \”unreasonable\” parent does not completely deny the necessity of speech, but emphasizes the appropriateness of oral education and the importance of behavioral education. Here are 3 more suggestions. When \”reasoning\”, you must not be duplicitous in trying to tell your children some truth. You must first confirm that you believe in the \”truth\” yourself. At work, I often encounter parents who have different opinions. For example, some parents clearly care about their children\’s test scores, but the question they ask me for advice is: how to do ideological work for their children when their test scores are not good, so that they can Don\’t care about the score? Understanding \”how to speak\” only as a speaking skill is one of the important reasons why some people always miss the point in education. Just as where words go is where a person\’s thinking goes, where language goes should also be where a person\’s ideas go. Instead of asking others for speaking skills, why not calm down and think about it, what do I think? Avoid inculcating vulgar values ​​into children. This can often be seen in life. Some parents do not stand in a high position, but they are keen to convey some unwise opinions and even some vulgar life experiences to their children. For example, some parents imply that their children do not need to help other students in their studies. Giving lectures to others is a waste of time and can easily be surpassed by others. Life is competition. If others are ahead, you will fall behind. From these so-called principles of life, children learn small tricks and calculations, but they cannot learn big-mindedness and big feelings. Such \”reasoning\” actually reduces the child\’s vision and mind, and restricts his development. The real preparation for education is to improve oneself. If you want to teach your children the truth that allows them to fly, parents themselves must have the mind and height of a blue sky. If you feel that you are not high enough and don’t know what to say, saying nothing is much better than talking nonsense. Don\’t mistake \”unreasonable\” for \”unreasonable\”. Some parents rarely reason with their children. They are very direct. They will scold or beat their children if they make three wrong sentences. This is not what we do here. What I mean by “unreasonable” is that it is unreasonable. There are even some parents who are simple and rude to their children, but then beautify their behavior afterwards. For example, beat the child, and then said affectionately, \”Child, why did I beat you?\” to find a fig leaf for his behavior through sensationalism. \”Being reasonable\” is the worst policy, losing your temper is the worst policy, losing your temper and being hypocritical is the worst policy. In short, dogma is not important, education is. Rousseau said that explaining everything is a habit of narrow-minded people. A courageous person has another language. Through this language, he can persuade people\’s hearts and take action. If you want your children to understand the truth, parents should talk less and behave in a reasonable manner, so that the children can understand the truth – like tongue twisters – this is the principle of education. If your child doesn\’t listen to reason, you might as well try another approach. Sometimes children do have unreasonable ideas that cause trouble to parents. When encountering this situation, in addition to finding ways to communicate with the child, you should also feel the child\’s thoughts and wishes from the child\’s perspective, and do not make easy judgments and say that the child is \”disobedient.\” Of course, parents can tell their children some correct truths directly, but if the children don\’t listen, they should consider changing their words. Practice has proved that if you want your children to accept a point of view, it is easiest to start from the emotional point of view. Through question and answer methods, you can mobilize your children to think and stimulate the kind side of their nature. This method has been tried and tested time and time again. A mother said that before her son was 3 years old, she would not pay attention to closing the bathroom door when she went to the bathroom, and the child would often follow her in. Later, she felt that the child was becoming more and more sensible, so she let him see that she looked bad when squatting on the toilet, so she no longer allowed the child to follow her. If the child did not listen, he had to follow her. The mother patiently tried to reason with the child, but to no avail. The mother had to forcefully bolt the door. The child would bang on the door outside every time, crying so hard that he even vomited from crying. From then on, the child\’s attention was focused on his mother going to the bathroom. Even if he was playing with his grandma or watching TV, when his mother wanted to sneak into the bathroom quietly, he would always notice it for some reason and immediately drop the child. He rushed over and shouted \”Don\’t let mom go to the toilet\”. This mother is very worried. Going to the toilet every day has become a police-catching thief competition. It feels really tiring. I said to her, since I have already explained the truth before and it is useless, don’t explain it again. Instead, use another method to do ideological work for the children by asking questions. The effect may be better. I suggested she ask the child three questions. The first question: \”You don\’t let mom go to the bathroom, do you think it\’s better for mom to pee in her pants or in the toilet?\” Most children can solve the problem by asking the first question, and they will quickly judge that peeing in their pants is not good. . Once the child gives this answer, most likely he will not stop his mother from going to the bathroom. Some children, because they have been arguing with their parents about this matter for a long time, may deliberately answer awkwardly and say that it is okay to pee their pants, and then the parents will ask the second question. \”Do you like your mother to be happy, or do you like your mother to be unhappy?\” Under normal circumstances, children will definitely choose to like their mother to be happy. Just as parents instinctively love their children, children also instinctively love their parents and are willing to please their parents. Therefore, in this problem, few children will choose to make their mothers unhappy. The purpose of asking this question is to guide the children to make a new choice for the first question.select. If the child makes the right choice again, sincerely express happiness and be sure that the child is very sensible. Then let the child wait outside and give him an expectation to see whether he will be happy or unhappy when his mother comes out. For a child, as long as once or twice, he experiences the joy of making the right choice, sees his mother happy because of his choice, and his positive psychology is strengthened, most of the problems will be solved. If your child is really special and still can’t do it here, and stubbornly chooses to make his mother unhappy, then continue to ask the third question. \”Do you want your mother to be unhappy only today, or tomorrow?\” I hardly believe that any child will continue to choose to make his mother unhappy. As long as he chooses to make his mother happy tomorrow, things can go back to the first question. , solve it according to the previous routine. The most surprising thing is that the child continues to choose not to make his mother happy tomorrow. The mother can ask the same question the next day: Mom is unhappy today because she can\’t go to the bathroom normally. Do you hope that her mother will be happy tomorrow? – Parental Questioning Attitude Take it easy, be gentle and sincere. An exaggerated tone will mislead the child, making him think it is just a game, and he will deliberately make wrong choices to extend the game time; of course, he should not express anger, as that will make the child feel bad and stimulate his negative psychology. As long as the child feels that there is no hatred in his mother\’s heart, he will never make his mother unhappy all the time. The mother later told me that the problem was solved after she asked the second question, which was very effective. I have seen some children who \”refractory\” after repeated education, which is indeed difficult to deal with. But if you take a deeper look into their family life, you will always find that the root cause lies in the stubbornness of the parents. Many parents can sacrifice their lives for their children, but refuse to let go of their own ideas in front of their children. If someone tells them that it is the parent who needs to change, he will feel offended, provoked, and very angry. They love their own ideas more than their children, and the children\’s psychology is gradually defeated in such \”surrenders\” time and time again. If there is no reading or other ideological mentors to support the growth of their spiritual trees, their thoughts will gradually shrink or become abnormal. The pattern gradually becomes deformed. Children who grow up in such a family will first lose interest in listening, develop a defensive psychology that is beyond ordinary people, and at the same time develop \”reason immunity\”. Even if the truth itself is very reasonable, he will instinctively reject it. In serious cases, it may even occur. Moral immunity; secondly, the loss of independent consciousness, the inability to think honestly and deeply about a matter, loss of normal judgment, and superficial and mediocre thinking; thirdly, the mentality becomes harsh and has no interest in understanding others, and is only interested in understanding others. How to use your own views to conquer the other party and gain the upper hand – such people are common in life. They and \”others\” have almost no common views, and they can almost never hold the same view on one thing. Some people say not to abuse drugs, but they say that you still need to take medicine when you are sick, and you cannot generalize; some people say that children cannot be spanked and must be respected, but they say that children are different and some children need spanking; some even say 60 It is not suitable for women over 10 years old to wear high heels, as they may sprain or fall easily, and they may also suffer from sprains.To express my own opinion, I said that even old people who don’t wear high heels may fall down and sprain… My hometown calls people who like to argue \”people born in a gang house\”. On the surface, these people\’s speech is always divided into two, comprehensive and objective. In fact, they only have two opinions: your point of view and my point of view. And the former is always wrong and the latter is always right. \”People born in Gangfang\” are actually very weak in their thinking ability. The reason is that their energy cannot be used for sincere thinking, but mainly used to constantly resist other people\’s words. Their lives are often spent mediocrely in this kind of unwarranted consumption. Pass. And such a mentality, if not aware of it, will produce bad habits that are passed down from generation to generation through words and deeds.

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