• Sun. Dec 3rd, 2023

What should I do if my child has a bad temper? Never use these four methods

A mother told me that her daughter is three and a half years old. In recent months, she doesn’t know how to describe her personality. She loses her temper and stamps her feet, throws things, cries and makes a fuss, and sometimes hits the table. people. Just listening to what she said, Youma could imagine the chaotic scene mixed with crying and rattling things… When a child cries and refuses to listen no matter what, it is simply a mother\’s nightmare! Especially when people look at him strangely, they want to dig a crack in the ground to get in. Don\’t hit him, his clothes can be used as a mop and he can\’t control him; hit him, it will hit his body, but it will hurt his mother\’s heart! What would you do if your child cried and acted in public? The four most commonly used methods. Youma found that the most commonly used methods by many parents when their children are upset are usually inseparable from these four methods, and there is an inexplicable progressive relationship between them. 1. The expression of reasoning-type speech is: \”You can\’t do this, this is a sign of ignorance!\” \”Be good and obedient, and you are a good child.\” This kind of gentle preaching is based on reasoning with children and making it clear. The child consciously put away his temper. But the child doesn\’t care so much. When he loses his temper and gets emotional, he doesn\’t listen at all and is immersed in his own sad inner world. Therefore, reasoning-style preaching is of little use. Some children actually become more violent. 2. The oppressive type uses a condescending attitude to force the child not to cry. The child feels oppressed and compromises. If you don\’t listen to me, I\’ll have to resort to \”thunder measures\”. I once saw this scene: In a shopping mall, a child cried for a toy. His mother told him that he already had it at home, so if he didn’t buy it, buying too much would be a waste. The child tugged at the hem of his mother\’s clothes and refused to leave. He sat down on the ground and cried loudly. When the mother saw this, she couldn\’t drag the child away, and shouted loudly: \”You are so disobedient, I won\’t take you out anymore! Get up, do you hear me, don\’t cry anymore…\” A series of commands, with an unquestionable tone, were directed at the child . The results of it? There are good and bad. Fortunately, some children slowly stopped under pressure. The bad thing is that the child\’s inner emotions have not been resolved and have been accumulated in his heart. In the long run, children will gradually become afraid of conflicts, avoid problems, gradually suppress their inner emotions, and please others; or they will become more and more unscrupulous and cannot control their emotions well. 3. Avoidant Some parents may be impatient and too lazy to listen to their children crying; some parents may feel sorry for their children until their faces turn red and their noses and tears fly. So, adopt an avoidant approach. For example: \”Okay, stop crying. Mommy will buy you XX (something the child likes).\” \”If you are good, mommy will take you to the playground.\” Using \”coaxing\” to suspend the child\’s emotions is to avoid the important and take the easy. It is a typical way to avoid the problems and causes of children\’s emotions. It can be used, but if the adults don\’t keep their word in the end, they will only lose the trust of the children. Moreover, if this method is used for a long time, the child may become more aggressive and deliberately cry to \”blackmail\” the parents. 4. Threat type: When a child behaves mischievously, rolls around on the floor, and refuses to listen to no matter what is said, the effect of saying \”If you keep making trouble again, I won\’t want you anymore\” is surprisingly effective. This kind of intimidating and threatening education has given many parents a taste of the sweetness, so they often use it as a trump card to restrain their children from crying.Noisy. For example, threatening words such as \”If you don\’t obey me, mommy won\’t want you anymore\” and \”If you cry again, I\’ll call the police to arrest you.\” The hidden sense of abandonment makes children feel fearful and helpless, making them feel inferior and anxious. But he had to pretend to be sensible. At the same time, it will also damage the relationship between children and parents, especially using an image of authority to intimidate children. Over time, children will become afraid to ask for help when something goes wrong and adopt a silent and evasive attitude. I recall that when Youbao was a child, he would never stop tossing and tossing, which would make him so anxious that his temper would rise. He wanted to pull him up and give him a beating. But then I thought about it. Merely beating the child would only cure the symptoms but not the root cause. I was even more worried that when the child grows up, there would be no other way to control it except beating. It would really be more than worth the gain. Therefore, I looked for reliable and effective methods through the parenting books I usually read, and then modified them based on the actual situation of the child. I found that the effect would be far longer than \”beating it up\”. Youma will share her experience with everyone, hoping it will be helpful to everyone. 1. Manage your own emotions first. Parents must manage their own emotions first before they can accept their children\’s emotions. Otherwise, if you can\’t manage your own emotions, how can you still have the energy and patience to deal with your children\’s emotions? Mothers often give feedback: I have such a bad temper and can’t control it, what should I do? To be honest, you can only practice more every day. There is no shortcut, but everyone can find a way to vent that suits them. For example, when you lose your temper, take a deep breath first; write a \”personal, personal\” narration in your heart… Every time Youbao makes me angry, I will repeatedly take deep breaths to control my emotions, and even put stickers on it at home. I reminded myself that \”you get old easily when you are angry\”; I also tried to eat a delicious meal, but if I couldn\’t solve it in one meal, I would just eat two. You can try any method that can help you control your temper, and you will always find a method that suits you. 2. Help children understand emotions. Most of the behaviors children do when they are angry or aggrieved are crying, making noises, and rolling around. But in fact, they really long for their mother to hug them. Blaming will only allow children to cover up their inner vulnerability and fear in more exaggerated ways. Therefore, when a child becomes emotional, the first step for parents to do is to accept their child\’s emotions. When children understand that their emotions are accepted, emotions are normal and can be expressed, they will not be so panicked. Step 1: Teach children to \”identify their own emotions\”. Parents can use emotion cards to teach their children to identify various emotions such as \”sad\”, \”happy\”, etc.; in addition, they can help children \”speak\” through their performance, such as when a child cries. When talking, you can ask \”Is it because it hurts?\” etc. Slowly, the child will learn to express his emotions. Step 2: Teach children to \”recognize other people\’s emotions.\” The premise is that children can recognize their own emotions. On this basis, teach children to \”aware and understand other people\’s emotions.\” For example, two children had a fight over a toy and both were crying. At this time, you can guide the child and say: \”You really want to play with this, but you are unhappy when you don\’t get to play with it, right? But he also wanted to play with it, but he didn\’t get to play with it. , then do you think he will be happy?\” Through the child himselfFeelings guide children to understand the feelings of others. This is a kind of empathy and empathy, understanding others by thinking about their own similar experiences. Emotions are not good or bad, they are different emotional expressions in different states. We help children recognize their own emotions, such as anger, grievance, dissatisfaction, dissatisfaction, etc. Only by recognizing other people\’s emotions can children develop empathy. 3. Teach children how to deal with their emotions. After accepting your children\’s emotions, you must teach your children how to deal with their emotions. Bad emotions are like floods. If they are blocked and not dredged, floods will occur. When children exhibit various behaviors, such as crying, bullying, etc., it is all caused by losing control of their emotions. Therefore, when a child can recognize emotions, he must be taught how to deal with emotions. 1) Avoid preaching or blaming. For example, \”Don\’t do it…\” \”How did you do it…\” and other sentence patterns; you can say \”Are you very angry now? Mom understands you.\” Wait until the child calms down before talking about it. 2) Give children specific and reasonable methods that can be used immediately. Teach children to count on their fingers, \”counting from 1 to 10\”, so that children can focus on their fingers and the numbers they are counting to avoid being controlled by negative emotions. Hit a pillow to vent your anger; or punch the air; find a place where no one is and shout \”I\’m very angry\” a few times and let your children vent their emotions by drawing. You can prepare a venting wall or a few large pieces of white paper, or even give a demonstration. (This method is the most feasible method for children who are more introverted or sensitive and are not very good at expressing their emotions.) The basic principle is not to harm the body or money. Of course, you cannot expect children with low emotional intelligence to do it right away at the beginning. It needs repeated practice to become a habit. 3) Teach children to use language to express their needs and feelings, such as \”Mom, I like that toy very much. I am really angry if you don\’t buy it for me.\” Telling a child to lose his temper and cry will not have any effect. Speaking out his thoughts and reasons can get more responses and help from adults. In short, you must adhere to principles if you cannot be satisfied. Some parents cannot bear the crying of their children and will satisfy them at will. This is equivalent to rewarding their children\’s behavior in disguise. Over time, children will regard crying as a threat and control of others. means. 4. Give children verbal cues and a sense of security. Parents are everything to their children, and they are the source and foundation of security. Behaviors such as intimidation, neglect, beating and scolding, and ignoring children are all breaking the child\’s sense of security. Don\’t let the child feel isolated and helpless. American child psychologist James Dobson once said: There are thousands of ways to make children lose their sense of security, but rebuilding their sense of security and self-confidence is a slow and difficult process. When they are in a mood, they can use verbal cues to relieve their anxiety in advance. For example, Youbao has a short temper and when he does something impatient, I will tell him \”Take your time, don\’t be anxious.\” I have said this many times. Over time, when I remind him, he can blurt out \”I It can be slower.\” In addition, patiently listening and guiding them to express their inner feelings and thoughts is the fastest way to relieve children\’s bad moods. Only when they are noticed and don’t feel lonely and scared inside will they start toRong De said the reason behind it. Children may not be able to express themselves well enough, but if parents listen carefully, they can also analyze the reasons. Just prescribe the right medicine and you\’ll be fine. There are many reasons why children cry, but they always have the same root cause: seeking parental attention! Your attitude is very important to your children. The method that can make a child stop crying immediately is not necessarily a good method. For example, the four wrong methods mentioned above treat the symptoms but not the root cause. Raising children is never easy and requires a lot of time and energy from us, but our goal is for the good of our children, not to win or lose with them, right? Stand with your child to defeat the problem, rather than fighting the child with the problem.

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