• Tue. Dec 5th, 2023

What should I do if my family relationship is not good? The mother-in-law and daughter-in-law snatching the child hurt her the most

A mother in Hangzhou posted \”I feel like my life is so depressing.\” She said she was a fertility machine. The mother-in-law has been occupying the child since he was born. What is even more annoying is that the mother-in-law often tells the baby: \”Mom only feeds you, grandma plays with you and spends your life with you. It is best to follow grandma.\” One time, grandma thought her mother had gone out, so she happily said to her baby, \”Mom is not here anymore. Mom doesn\’t want you anymore. It\’s just you and grandma here. Now we can do whatever we want.\” The mother\’s grievance and anger, Make people feel the same. What the mother-in-law did seemed to love her grandson, but in fact it was extremely cruel. Not only does it hurt their mother-child relationship, it will also cause indelible psychological damage to the child. At the age when children most need a close relationship with their mother, their grandmother has long indoctrinated them with the view that \”if your mother is gone, she doesn\’t want you anymore.\” This will cause great fear and psychological trauma to young children. Why does the mother-in-law want to snatch the child from her daughter-in-law? Psychological counselor Wu Zhihong once pointed out sharply: Behind the problems such as the war between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and the differences in concepts of raising children, are actually the struggle for family power. Because the birth of a newborn means a new factor in the power of a family, then whoever establishes a better relationship with the newborn can have more power. The mother-in-law tries to \”exceed her authority\” to gain a say in the daughter-in-law\’s family by competing with her daughter-in-law for control of her son and even her grandson. What seems to be the problem between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is actually the mismatch between the relationship between husband and wife and the relationship between parent and child! The mother-in-law crosses the line and seizes the son from the daughter-in-law. This is already the parent-child relationship of the previous generation that crosses the line between husband and wife. Seizing the grandchild again will destroy the family relationship of this generation again. Zeng Qifeng, a well-known psychologist, pointed out that the relationship between husband and wife is \”the anchor of the family.\” In a \”three-generation\” family with parents-in-law, husband and wife, and children, if the relationship between husband and wife is the core of the family and has the first say, then the family will be rock solid. On the contrary, if the parent-child relationship (including parents-in-law and husband, husband and children, wife and children) takes precedence over the relationship between husband and wife, the two most common problems will arise: one is a bad relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law; the other is a serious love-child complex. The martial artist in the reality show \”My Boy\” once spoke the truth while drunk. He said: I have a shadow. My parents are not divorced, but separated. When I was a child, I was often awakened by their quarrels in the middle of the night. I\’m extremely scared. My mother always said some extreme things, so I could only comfort my mother. I don’t know why, but I always stand on my mother’s side. I want to have a word with my father, but I don’t dare to leave my mother. He analyzed the reason: I think my parents don’t get along well, and it also has something to do with my relationship with my mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Why do my mother and grandma quarrel? It’s because they really have conflicts. I don’t know where the conflict comes from. For example, when my grandma makes soup, my mother will say, \”There are too few ribs. This is what your grandson will eat.\” Grandma will say, \”Oh, a few pieces of ribs are enough for the child.\” Everything is contradictory. In fact, he himself realized that many problems in the family stemmed from his mother\’s \”not letting go\” of him. But when it came to his future wife, he still said categorically: \”If the person I am looking for is really the same asIf my mother doesn\’t get along with me, I will definitely stand by my mother\’s side and I will always listen to my mother. \”Obviously, Wu Yi\’s family is a parent-child relationship that crosses the boundary between husband and wife. Wu Yi is also an injured child in his original family. His grandmother and mother\’s different educational concepts made him feel uneasy and confused; his parents\’ quarrels and his mother\’s expectations of him became shackles on him. Even though Wu Yi said that he valued family ties and put family first, in marriage, if he really \”always listen to his mother\” as he said, then his marriage might end up in the same predicament as his parents. A wrong family relationship can easily cause children to unconsciously assume some of the responsibilities of their parents, and is more likely to lead to confusion in the children\’s future family relationships. If not corrected, the mistakes in the relationship between the two generations of the family will really cause overwhelming harm to the children and even the entire family. My friend Xiaoya has been troubled recently about her son Maomao. Maomao stole and robbed again and again, and went to the police station several times. His parents were worried about him, but he didn\’t care at all, and he especially hated his mother. He did not go to school and refused to communicate. In desperation, Xiaoya had to seek help from a psychiatrist. Incredibly, the psychiatrist discovered that Maomao, who seemed arrogant and rebellious, was actually very insecure inside and was always afraid of being abandoned. He even \”deliberately does bad things\” to annoy his parents. Subconsciously, he is actually trying to attract his parents\’ attention, hoping that their parents will focus on him. Digging deeper into the cause, we found that the problem lay in the relationship between Grandma Maomao and her parents. Grandma and mother have a bad relationship. There are four people in the family. The mother-in-law loves her son and loves her grandson, but she treats her daughter-in-law as an outsider. They often quarrel because they have difficulty getting along, and Maomao\’s parents don\’t have a good relationship either. Grandma often scolds her mother in front of Maomao: \”That woman knows how to bully your grandma. When you grow up, you and your dad must be filial to grandma.\” Xiaoya is busy at work, and Maomao is mostly taken care of by her grandma. Over time, Maomao naturally becomes closer to her. grandmother. For the wife, entering a new family brings happiness and longing. As a result, her husband belongs to her mother-in-law, her home belongs to her mother-in-law, and in the end, even the child she gave birth to during her ten-month pregnancy belongs to her mother-in-law. In this state, Xiaoya\’s marriage is naturally not much better. In fact, it is not easy for a grandma. She has worked hard all her life and should have spent her old age in peace. But then she and her daughter-in-law competed for the \”grandson\”, neglecting her wife, hurting her daughter-in-law, and causing hidden dangers to her son\’s marriage. She was also exhausted physically and mentally. However, the one who was hurt the most in this family was the innocent Maomao. When parents give birth to a child, they have the responsibility and obligation to raise them. At the same time, only when children establish a good relationship with their parents, especially if they maintain safe and stable emotional communication with their mothers, can the children have sufficient sense of security and have the strength to connect to the outside world. If children often hear negative news about their parents from their first caregiver when they are young, it will block the emotional connection between mother and child that should be effective communication. On the surface, what he receives is the message that he hates his parents, but deep down, because he cannot emotionally identify with his ideal loving parents, it will greatly destroy the child\’s inner order, put his sense of security at risk, and lead to inferiority and self-esteem. Disgust can also easily cause some mental illnesses. MaomaojiuThis is the case. He longs for maternal love in his heart, but unconsciously resists maternal love on the outside. This contradictory psychology leads him to repeatedly do wrong things deliberately to attract the attention of his parents. If a child is harmed, parents, especially the mother, can make amends before the child is 6 years old, and even have the opportunity to make amends before the child is 12 years old. Once this stage is missed, it will be difficult for the child to establish a sense of security, and the relationship with his parents will only become more and more distant. In a family, boundaries must be clear, and the right to speak must be in the hands of the couple, especially when it comes to childcare. It is mentioned many times in the Bible that a man should leave his parents and cling to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. When men and women get married and form a new family, they should leave their original family, both psychologically and materially, and establish a new original family that is a small family: they should be filial to their parents, but not blindly obedient; they should love and be intimate with their spouses Companion, only husband and wife are the ones who will accompany you throughout your life; you must care for your children, but you must also remember to leave appropriately and give each other freedom. In addition, social psychologist Emerson believes that a son is between his mother and his wife, and his positive attitude can solve 99% of family conflicts. If he can shoulder his own responsibilities, share the burden of family and childcare with his wife, and make a decent and decisive separation from his mother; at the same time, he can act as a \”peacemaker\” between his wife and mother, giving his wife love and kindness. With the attention a mother needs, many problems can be solved. Of course, if you choose to raise children across generations, you must prioritize and perform their duties. Otherwise, independent parenting is the easiest education to implement. There was a news report that a child had been constipated for more than three months, and various diseases were derived from it. However, after various examinations at the hospital, no cause could be found. Later, a psychiatrist solved the mystery. It turned out that the child\’s family was constantly quarreling. Grandma and mother often quarrel over trivial matters related to childcare. Whenever we quarrel, my father always avoids us. However, the child could not be hidden. He was either taken away by his grandmother to complain, or cried bitterly by his mother. The child cannot digest these contradictions, but subconsciously accepts these anxieties. In the end, all these discomforts are expressed through the body. Afterwards, the child\’s parents went out to rent a house, took care of the child by themselves on weekdays, and took them to visit their grandparents on weekends. Distance creates beauty, and with the family\’s subconscious adjustments, many conflicts disappear. Coupled with careful parenting, the child quickly regained his former cleverness. Parents are the first persons responsible for educating their children, and elders are always the executors who assist in child care. The best education for children is always that dad loves mom, dad and mom love me, and I love mom and dad. Only children who feel the love of their parents deep in their hearts can have the ability to love their grandparents, and have enough security and confidence to love the people around them and the whole world. Therefore, for the sake of your children, please remember the famous saying of Satya, a famous family therapist: A good relationship between husband and wife is the best gift to your children in life.

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