• Tue. Dec 5th, 2023

What should I do if my parents get divorced? Should I tell my children?

There was a very popular news on the Internet: Ms. Wang from Harbin lived with her 10-year-old son Xiaoyu after her divorce. Because the child was young and was about to face the \”primary school to junior high school\” exam, Ms. Wang didn\’t want to make him sad and affect his studies, so she wanted to hide it from her son. In order not to be noticed, she even left her ex-husband’s daily necessities at home. When Xiaoyu asked, Ms. Wang said: \”Dad is on a business trip and is busy with business.\” She thought it was perfect, but in fact, the child had already discovered the clues: for example, her mother never called her father to ask for help; her mother often frowned. , but pretending to be happy. Until one day, Xiaoyu overheard Ms. Wang chatting with her friends and learned the truth that her parents had divorced. Since then, Xiaoyu has completely changed. He was once cheerful, but now he is depressed and silent every day. He often curls up in a corner in a daze, with no smile on his face. In order to comfort Xiaoyu, Ms. Wang cooked delicious meals for him and bought him colorful snacks and toys. Her ex-husband also went home to stay with her son for three days, speaking softly to the child and trying his best to comfort him. However, in the face of his parents\’ kindness, Xiaoyu had no reaction, his mood remained depressed, and his academic performance also plummeted. Ms. Wang was very anxious and took her son for a check-up. The doctor confirmed that Xiaoyu had depression according to clinical diagnosis standards. Ms. Wang was shocked when she heard the diagnosis. She said with tears: I just wanted to protect my son, fearing that he wouldn\’t be able to bear it. I really regret it. I should have told the truth to my children if I had known better. You think that children don’t understand the adult world, but in fact, sometimes you are the one who doesn’t understand. When divorcing, many parents, like Ms. Wang, choose not to tell their children. Their starting point is well-intentioned: because they love their children so much, they don\’t want them to know. They always think that they will wait until the child is older… However, covering up will not bring peace and quiet in the years, but may cause greater pain. Divorced parents will always behave differently. After all, they don\’t have flawless acting skills. A bright-eyed child can detect the strangeness of a family through many subtle details. However, they do not have the psychological adaptation mechanism of adults, nor do they have a sense of direction for the future. Before the truth is discovered, children will be anxious for a long time. It is said that the greatest fear in the world is the fear of facing the unknown. There is a time bomb at home. The child doesn’t know where it is hidden or when it will explode. How can he not be frightened and anxious? You have to know that children will be deeply shocked when they find out the truth. Parents\’ divorce is a traumatic event for children. It exceeds psychological expectations and breaks the order of life, like a bolt from the blue. Concealing and facing the unacceptable facts without adequate psychological construction will make children feel unprecedented pressure. Moreover, children are young, their brains are not yet mature, their cognitive abilities are insufficient, their logical thinking systems are not yet perfect, and they are often not good at making correct attributions. When he discovers that his parents are divorced, he tends to think that it must be his fault that his parents don\’t want him, which leads to strong self-blame and an even lower mood. You have to know that after a child sees through a lie, he or she will feel strongly cheated. Cheating is the least favorite behavior of children. According to a survey conducted by the China Youth Research Center, amongAmong the “behaviors that make you most dissatisfied with your parents” voted by primary school students, “talking untruthfully” accounted for 43.6%, ranking first. Cheating can make children feel that they are not trusted and respected. Worse yet, if even the people closest to you can lie to yourself, can you expect your children to trust others? Just as the writer Zweig wrote: Children know that they have been deceived and no longer love their parents. They understand that no one can be trusted. All people are bad and despicable. An inexpressible silence, a deep-seated pain, alienated them from everyone. The passage to the depths of their hearts has been blocked, and they are inexplicably afraid of life. Therefore, the starting point of parents\’ concealment is to reduce the psychological pressure of their children, but in fact, it will increase the psychological load of their children. Instead of doing this, it is better to slowly tell the truth to your children and then accompany them to adapt to the result. Children may seem weak, but they are actually flexible. They have the ability to adapt to new information and are extremely malleable. Psychological research also shows that children\’s psychological status largely depends on their upbringing environment. Therefore, as long as the family atmosphere is good and parents handle it properly, it will be easier for children to cope with the reality of divorce and go through the adjustment period smoothly. Research by well-known psychologist Heatherton found that under normal circumstances, the negative impact of divorce news on children is likely to weaken or disappear in the following year. If the parents\’ marriage is already full of conflicts, divorce can relieve the children\’s stress. A survey by American behavioral scholar Paul Ammet also shows that as long as divorced parents get along well with each other and treat others with warmth, most children can recover safely and have good psychological expectations. Young children are the most sensitive to and value love and emotions; what they care most about is not the survival of the family form, but the continuation of the parent-child relationship. What they care about most is not their parents\’ legal relationship, but their parents\’ attitude toward each other. After divorce, if parents can continue to care for their children and live in harmony with each other, it will be easier for the children to adapt. When Faye Wong and Li Yapeng divorced, Li Yan was only 7 years old, but the two did not hide it from her. They calmly declared that their fate was over and maintained a good relationship. After the divorce, Faye Wong often read to her daughter, practiced piano and mountain climbing with her; Li Yapeng often took her daughter to drink coffee and played games with her. The two also regularly take their daughter to the Ming Tombs Reservoir to study nature and observe the weather. At her children\’s birthday parties, Faye Wong would invite Li Yapeng to attend. During the Chinese New Year, Faye Wong will not keep her daughter to herself, but will take her to see her grandma. Several generations gather together to make dumplings and draw New Year pictures, happily and intimately. Li Yapeng’s Weibo divorce only means the end of the relationship between husband and wife. But parents are always parents and should not be absent from their children\’s growth. Just like Faye Wong said: \”You can\’t carry love to the end, but you can carry love to the end!\” In the growth of children, parents are not absent, and warmth is not absent. Although the children do not get a perfect home, they get a complete home. Love. The attitude of parents hides the character of their children; the behavior of parents hides the abilities of their children. When divorcing, instead of using concealment to give your child a blindfold to cover up the pain, it is better to use warmth to give him a pair of wings that transcend the pain. You can\’t keep it for your whole lifeProtect your child and isolate him from all difficulties; but you can love your child all your life and let him gain strength and fly over the rough terrain.

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