• Wed. Dec 6th, 2023

What should you do if your child talks back to you?


Oct 1, 2023

Speaking of children \”talking back\” is definitely a big pain point for parents in this generation. Many parents believe that children disrespecting their parents by \”talking back\”. There are even more extreme notions: if a child “talks back”, he is a blind eye and is unfilial! Why don’t children listen to anything they say? How to solve the problem of \”talking back\”? After reading the truth about talking back and the corresponding solution strategies, we may be able to have more compassion and understanding for our children. The child talks back because his self-awareness is awakening. From the perspective of developmental psychology, there are three peak periods for children to \”talk back\”. They are: the budding period of self-awareness between 2 and 5 years old, the quasi-adult period between 7 and 9 years old, and the adolescence period between 12 and 15 years old. During these three stages, children will appear particularly difficult to manage and communicate with. In fact, this is just the rapid development of children\’s self-awareness, desire to make decisions, and desire to feel their own power. Correspondingly, parents will feel that their children are not so \”obedient\”. There will be \”uncomfortable\” feelings between parents and children. This \”discomfort\” is normal and necessary. Without this \”discomfort\”, children cannot leave their parents and grow up healthily. Our parenting advice is: 3-5 years old, don’t always say “good or bad”. For example, some adults are too “humble” in front of their children and often ask their children “good or bad” and “ok” repeatedly. For example: \”Can we go out now?\” \”Can you eat by yourself?\” In most cases, children will answer \”no\” or \”no\”. This is equivalent to parents actively providing opportunities for their children to talk back. In fact, children before the age of 6 like powerful parents. The \”powerful\” here means that they will set basic rules for their children and allow them to try small things. The main things at home must be decided by the parents. They do not panic and are stable when their children are noisy. Such parents can give their children a sense of security. From the age of 7 to 9, talk less about right and wrong. Starting from the age of 6 or 7, parents who accompany children often encounter the problem that when their children clearly make mistakes, when adults point them out, they will be stubborn and refuse to admit their mistakes. Does the child really not know that he is wrong? of course I know. However, parents who kindly help their children find mistakes again and again actually deprive their children of the opportunity to experience \”I can do it\”. On the contrary, the fact that the children are weak and powerless is once again verified. They will naturally talk back defensively and subconsciously protect their own face. A better approach is to talk less about right and wrong and encourage more. If you really need to give guidance to your child, it is best to first affirm the child\’s progress and then point out: \”It would be better if xx was improved.\” This will make it easier for the child to accept it. Between the ages of 12 and 15, children who have passed puberty are developing and growing rapidly both physically and mentally. They begin to see the world through their own eyes, and can sometimes appear argumentative. ——This is just that they want their voices to be heard and they want to be confirmed. Parents must not confront children at this stage head-on. When the child needs us, we must be there. When the child no longer needs us, we must step aside. (Indeed, um, a bit of a humble picture.) Some parents worry that their children will always be in this prickly state. Actually not. The \”rebellion\” and \”prickly hair\” of adolescent children are transient. parents onlyYou have to endure it, and one day your child will grow up. The following words may be useful when you find it difficult: \”If you don\’t struggle and rebel during adolescence, it may be very bad if you struggle in middle age.\” \”It\’s better to rebel early than late.\” \”My biological child, my biological child.\” \”.\” Children who dare to talk back will have a better future. Parents feel uncomfortable when their children talk back to them. But, you know what? The University of Virginia tracked and surveyed 150 13-year-old children, and ultimately found that those children who often argue with their parents at home are more able to deal with differences of opinion in the outside world more easily and can withstand pressure calmly. Performance in the workplace is also better. Obedience is not a necessary quality for a child, independent thinking is. The courage to question, argue, and talk back is precisely a manifestation of a child\’s independence and critical thinking development. Unfortunately, in life, children\’s brains and thinking are clearly developing, but their parents misunderstand them as being \”disobedient\” and \”talking back.\” For example, I encountered an interesting scene when I went to the supermarket a few days ago: parents told their children that they could only buy one snack at a time. The child was dissatisfied and argued with his parents: \”Why can you buy a lot of things in the supermarket, but I can only buy one?\” The child\’s father criticized him on the spot: \”That\’s incredible, my wings are hard, I know how to talk back!\” This child is really unfair . It seems that he is \”talking back\”, but in fact it is the child who is observing life and thinking about problems. At this time, parents can classify the things they buy with their children to help them better understand: which things belong to the parents, which belong to the children, and which are shared by the whole family… The children will understand why they need to buy things. If you have a budget and plan, you can ask your children to make a shopping list with adults next time. This can greatly stimulate your children\’s sense of participation and help them understand how difficult it is to be considerate to their parents. The most taboo thing is that children are not allowed to question at all. Always emphasize that \”my opinion is right\” and \”parents\’ authority is not allowed to be questioned.\” Children will learn to just do what their parents say. There is no point in thinking or expressing too much. This child\’s independent thinking, creativity and problem-solving abilities will be greatly suppressed. When a child talks back, he may be asking for help. This is a small thing that just happened at a friend\’s house. Her 7-year-old daughter has been talking back to adults frequently recently and has conflicts with her 4-year-old brother. Sometimes it\’s even a bit out of nowhere and messy. Until that night, after the girl talked back to her father, she locked herself in the bedroom and sulked. The mother followed, sat next to her daughter, and said softly: \”Baby, mom and dad have been a little busy recently, and they may have ignored your feelings. Can you tell mom, what\’s going on with you recently?\” Upon hearing this, the girl\’s eyes suddenly turned red. With tears in her eyes, she said: \”I just hope you listen to what I say. When I come to you, I talk back…\” That night, the mother chatted with her daughter for a long time, and the mother and daughter also sorted the girl\’s childhood clothes together. , recalling the little beauty of the past. The next day, the girl\’s mood obviously improved, as if she was a different person, becoming optimistic, talkative, and kind. Why is this happening? As the eldest child in the family, the little girl is actually jealous of her younger brother. She desperately needs confirmation of her parents\’ love for her. Mom’s patient companionship,Only when the parent-child relationship is restored to some extent can the child\’s uneasiness be relieved. Therefore, if a child frequently talks back and loses his temper with his parents, he is probably asking his parents for help. It is only limited to the development of language ability and usually cannot be expressed accurately. He had no choice but to express his emotions through some destructive behaviors. If parents don\’t try to see their children\’s inner worries and troubles, and don\’t connect with their children, then no matter how many parenting skills and preaching they use, they will only be counterproductive. After all, children have the right to \”talk back.\” It is the responsibility of parents to teach their children to talk back or argue in a civilized and rational way. The following 4 steps are recommended to turn children’s talk back into opportunities for parent-child communication. First, restrain your emotions and don’t scold your children. This will only push the child further and further away. Don\’t lose your temper easily. In psychology, there is a twelve-second effect, that is: a person only has 12 seconds to become angry due to something. Many people will be controlled by these 12 seconds and say or do things they regret. After this period of time, people will return to their former peace. When we truly relax emotionally and can accept our children\’s \”talk back\”, the children will not subconsciously defend themselves and resist for the sake of resistance. Second, set a bottom line. If your child\’s \”talk back\” is really rude and makes you uncomfortable, it is recommended to guide your child with words like this: \”I understand how you feel, but can you say it in a different tone?\” \”I don\’t like it.\” If you talk like this, you can slowly convince me with your reasons.\” If the child is angry, say directly: \”I know you are angry now, let\’s talk about it after you calm down, okay?\” You can also explain yourself to the child. The bottom line: \”I respect your feelings, but I cannot accept your actions. From now on, whenever you disrespect me, I will temporarily walk away.\” Third, giving children the right to speak is the best thing for children. The way to comfort is to listen to what he has to say first. Therefore, try to use questions to give your children the opportunity to speak their minds and exercise their language skills. More useful sentence patterns include: You were criticized by the teacher, so you should feel uncomfortable, right? Can you tell me more about this? How are you feeling now? What\’s your opinion? Why do you think so? By asking, listen to the child, try to understand the whole situation, and then accompany the child to find specific solutions. Fourth, on weekdays, parents should set a verbal example and do not say: \”What\’s so sad about this, isn\’t it…\” Instead, say: \”I see you are sad because…\” Don\’t say: \”You are me My child, you should listen to me.\” Instead, say: \”I would like to hear your opinion.\” Don\’t say: \”What future can you have if you do this? Look at your results, it\’s really hopeless!\” Say: \”Obviously you are having difficulty studying, what do you need me to do for you?\” Don\’t say: \”What do you mean when you talk to me like this! We have sacrificed so much for you, are you worthy of us?\” Say instead: : \”You make me sad by doing this.\” Don\’t say: \”You are rebelling!\” Instead, say: \”What you said makes sense. Let\’s have a good chat and see how we can solve this problem.\” Parents If you can speak as calmly as possible,Children can learn more reasonable and measured expressions. Some people say: \”Every child will \’kill\’ his parents before he can grow up.\” This means that only when a child dares to talk back, has the opportunity to have an equal conversation in front of his parents, and can be respected by his parents, can he go out of the house and deal with the outside world. More confident. Therefore, there is no shame in being challenged or even \”killed\” by children. Einstein doubted traditional physics, so he created relativistic mechanics; Darwin doubted traditional biology, so he proposed Darwin\’s theory of evolution… Children who want to grow up also need this kind of questioning and resistance. Viewed this way, the relationship between parents and children is indeed unfair. As the children grow older, the parents become more passive and even a little sad. But as the writer Ni Kuang said: \”The main reason why human beings have progressed is that the next generation does not listen to the previous generation.\” Parents are not always right, and children are not always wrong. Recommended scientific parenting books. I really hope my parents have read the electronic version of this book and downloaded it. I hope every child will grow up healthily.

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