• Sat. Dec 9th, 2023

What to do after losing your temper with your child


Oct 1, 2023

At about ten o\’clock in the evening, I was lying in bed scrolling through my phone when I suddenly received a WeChat message from my best friend: \”I just lost my temper with my child. I regret it so much now! What should I do?\” I asked her what was going on. ? It turns out that my best friend has been very busy at work recently and works overtime until very late every day. Today she finally got home early to help her child study, but she found that her child had made all the mistakes in her homework. \”There was a question that he couldn\’t answer no matter how he answered it, so I couldn\’t help but yell at him! After I yelled, I regretted it. Seeing him crying so miserably, I really hated myself for not controlling my emotions and being so angry at him. Big temper.\” From my best friend\’s tone, I could hear deep remorse and guilt. Yes, although we all know the harm that losing temper can do to children, as parents, no matter how good-tempered we are, there will inevitably be emotional outbursts in our lives: working overtime until late at night, coming home to see that our children have not finished their homework. ; I am anxious to go to work in the morning, but my child is wasting time; I tutor my child in homework, and I get the wrong questions countless times. At this time, not to mention mom and dad, I guess it’s just God who wants to yell when he comes! But every time after getting angry with the child, I regret and blame myself so much when I see the pitiful look of the child. While I hate myself for not being able to control my emotions, I am also afraid of causing any psychological harm to my children. But besides regretting and blaming ourselves, what else can we do? What do you do when you regret losing your temper with your child? I have seen such a news before. A mother takes care of two children by herself. After sending her eldest daughter to school, she has to put her younger one to sleep. The child\’s crying makes her emotionally broken and she can\’t help but throw a tantrum. Afterwards, she regretted it very much, burst into tears, and even slapped herself several times in self-blame. Although I deeply sympathize with this mother and understand her mood at the moment, what I want to say is that self-blame and guilt cannot solve the problem. When you regret losing your temper with your child, here are three things you can do to make it worse. 1. Excessive self-blame When we realize that we should not lose our temper with our children, it is inevitable to regret and blame ourselves. Sometimes we want to slap ourselves twice, just like the mother in the news above. But excessive self-blame can cause us to fall into a whirlpool of negative emotions. \”I\’m not a good mother\”, \”I\’m such a failure as a parent\”, when you are surrounded by these thoughts, it will only make you less able to control your emotions and become more and more collapsed. Not only will your excitement fail to soothe your child, it may even frighten your child. 2. Please my children. I have made this mistake before. I regretted it after I got angry at my child because I couldn\’t control my emotions. Seeing my son\’s pitiful appearance after being scolded, I coaxed him distressedly and said, \”Stop crying. Mom shouldn\’t lose your temper. I\’ll take you to buy delicious food later.\” As a result, a conflict broke out next time. , I just wanted to ease the parent-child relationship, and my son actually said to me: \”I will forgive you if you promise to buy me Ultraman toys.\” Are there many parents like me who always regret losing their temper with their children? There is a mentality of feeling that one owes a child and wants to compensate the child with various materials. However, children may not appreciate such \”pleasing\”. Over time, children will regard it as a bargaining chip in exchange with their parents. 3. To cover up the mistake, I went to my brother’s house for dinner yesterday. My sister-in-law was because of her little nephew.After school, he was playful and didn\’t come home on time. He lost his temper and made the child cry. I stepped forward to persuade her, and my sister-in-law realized that she had lost control of her emotions and felt a little regretful. She comforted her nephew and said, \”I shouldn\’t have scolded you so loudly, but I did it for your own good.\” Are there many parents like this around you? Although I regret losing my temper with my children, I always try to cover up my mistakes with the excuse \”I did it for the good of my children.\” If we don\’t recognize our own problems, even if we regret it, we will still make the same mistake next time, and even fall into the vicious cycle of \”knowing that we shouldn\’t be angry with our children, but can\’t help it when it comes up\”. Tame your inner emotional monster and figure out why you lose your temper. No matter how perfect a parent is, no one can guarantee that they will never lose their temper with their children. There is nothing terrible about losing your temper with your children. The key is that we learn from it and grow. If we cannot help but lose our temper with our children, what we need more is to calm down and reflect on ourselves than to blame ourselves excessively, please the children, or cover up our mistakes. Only by figuring out why we lose our temper can we fundamentally solve the problem, instead of blindly suppressing, enduring, and deflecting, and ultimately holding ourselves back to internal injuries. The reasons why we lose our temper with our children appear to be various inappropriate behaviors of the children, but the root causes are three \”feelings\” deep in the parents\’ hearts: ① The fear of not meeting expectations ② The sense of shame that the child is not good enough ③The feeling of guilt that one is not perfect enough. Only by facing these three feelings correctly can we tame the emotional monster in our hearts. 1. Overcome fear and face expectations correctly. When I send my child to school in the morning, I look at his slow movements and think, \”I will definitely be late today.\” \”Can I get into college?\” Then, I couldn\’t control my anxiety. Our fear that our expectations will not be met eventually turns into anger. When you realize this, the next time you want to lose your temper with your child, ask yourself, \”Will losing your temper make things better or worse?\” If you don\’t want to be late, help your child speed up. If you want to get better, If you want good grades, help your children study together. Losing your temper will only make your children slower and slower, and their grades will get worse and worse. Correctly facing your own expectations and overcoming fear will allow you to better manage your emotions. 2. Abandon the sense of shame. Children\’s excellence comes from accepting \”Why can\’t you do such a simple thing well!\” \”Why can other children do it but you can\’t?\” \”How could I give birth to such a bad child!\” When you think like this Sometimes, you will unconsciously be led to anger by your own inner shame, and you can\’t help but get angry at your child. Abandon your inner sense of shame and don\’t turn your feelings of \”shame and loss of face\” into behaviors that harm your children. You need to tell yourself \”Every child is a unique individual. The way to make a child outstanding is not to yell and curse, but to accept it unconditionally. 3. Throw away the guilt, what is more important than perfection is truth. \”Always buy How much do you have to spend to buy this or that? \”How much time do I have to spend cleaning up the mess at home?\” “Many times, when we don’t have enough money, time and energy to meet our children’s needs, a feeling of guilt will arise subconsciously, and you will feel that you are not capable enough and not perfect enough, and eventually you will become angry. Only by handling your guilt correctly can you have emotional peace. We might as well lower our standards and relax our demands on ourselves. You don\’t need to be perfect, you just need to be real and try your best to meet your children\’s needs within your capabilities, and that\’s a good enough parent. You can do this if you can\’t help but get angry at your child. I once read a picture book \”The Roaring Penguin Mother\”. In the book, a little penguin was frightened to pieces by his mother who lost her temper and yelled. Its head flew into the universe, its belly fell into the sea, its wings fell into the jungle, and its mouth was stuck on the mountain… The mother penguin realized her mistake, went up the mountain and into the sea, found the little penguin\’s body bit by bit, and stitched it together. The little penguin said sorry. In fact, when parents lose their temper, every child is like that frightened little penguin. Their hearts will be torn apart like the little penguin\’s body, and they need our careful repair. If you can\’t help but get angry with your children, this can effectively repair the parent-child relationship: 1. Frankly admit your mistakes and say \”I\’m sorry\” to your children. In the variety show \”Where Are We Going, Dad\”, the grumpy Chen Xiaochun faced his dilly-dallying son. I can\’t help but get angry. Fortunately, he quickly realized his mistakes every time and apologized to his son immediately. He also said \”I\’m sorry\” to his son when he returned to the room to be alone with his son. When we can\’t help but lose our temper with our children, it is very necessary to say \”I\’m sorry\”. You don\’t need to make up for your mistakes in other ways, just tell your child frankly why you are angry. You can say this: \”Baby, you were too slow just now. I was afraid of being late, so I didn\’t control my emotions. I\’m sorry!\” \”Son, I was too tired today, so I was angry when you messed up the room, but I shouldn\’t have lost my temper.\” Letting your child understand the reason for your anger and feeling your sincere apology is the most critical step in repairing the parent-child relationship. 2. To make up for the harm, tell the child \”I love you\” after seeing a short video online. A little boy asked his mother in fear because she was angry: \”Do you not love me anymore?\” In the child\’s innocent and young world, they will think that a mother who is gentle to them loves them, and a mother who is angry and loses her temper will Mom definitely doesn\’t like herself. The biggest harm that parents lose their temper to their children is to make them have self-doubt and feel that they are not loved. Make up for the child\’s harm and firmly say \”I love you\” to the child. You need to let your child know that his behavior may be the trigger for us to lose our temper, but in the final analysis, we ourselves have not controlled our emotions well. Don\’t let our children pay for our mistakes, but let them feel the unconditional love of their parents. 3. Emotional education, say \”thank you\” to your children. When your children forgive you, don\’t forget to say \”thank you\” to your children. We can review the recent tantrum incident with the child, express your expectations for the child, and work with the child to find ways to resolve parent-child conflicts and contradictions. We can also hook up with our children and agree on how to express each other when we are angry. We should not lose our temper casually and hurt ourselves and others, but express our feelings and thoughts in appropriate ways.Law. Although a tantrum can hurt a child, sometimes proper handling can turn it into a vivid emotional education. Of course, no matter what, the best way is to try to control your temper and manage your emotions well. Must-read parenting books for parents recommended: Don’t Think You Understand Your Children’s Hearts e-book download On the road to being a human being, we may have been ahead of our children for more than 20 years, but on the road to being parents, we are still as young and naive as the children. Don’t dwell on what we have done wrong, the important thing is that we have been trying to be better parents. May every child be treated gently by his parents.

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