Most of my recent consultation cases are related to family education. Some children fall into depression because they cannot bear the heavy pressure, some run away from home because they are tired of studying, and some have poor self-control and are addicted to playing games. . . Leo Tolstoy said: Happy families are all alike, but every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. But from a psychological perspective, there are striking similarities behind the different experiences of these families. Do these families have anything in common? I personally feel that 80% of those children who are tired of studying and depressed are because of this commonality. It looks terrible, so what is this commonality? Today, the family education instructor will talk to you about this topic. 01 The desire to control is a mold in the family. In November 2010, a case that shocked the world occurred in Toronto, Canada. A Chinese girl named Jennifer hired three people to sneak into her house at night and attempt to murder her parents. The mother died on the spot, but the father luckily escaped. She acted as a helpless witness at the scene and called 911. In the end, the truth was revealed, and many netizens angrily accused her of being as cold-blooded as an animal and being ruthless to her parents who raised her. what to do if the children do not like study? What to do if your child is tired of studying PDF download [35M HD version] What makes girls hate their parents so much? Like many Chinese parents, these Chinese parents have always wanted their child to get ahead, so they have always been strict with her. Jennifer started learning piano and figure skating at the age of 4 and has won numerous awards. She spent her childhood learning various things and had no time at her disposal. Although she has an excellent aura, she is a good girl in the eyes of others and the pride of the whole family. But no one noticed that in order to relieve her stress, she began to secretly cut her arms, leaving scratches. A child under control is mentally depressed and has no right to grow up to be what she wants to be. When she entered middle school, her academic performance declined. Her parents with high expectations did not allow her to fail, and she herself was naturally not used to failure. The frustration made her hate studying. In high school, she fell in love. Her family cannot accept her, so she naturally longs for warmth. Puppy love is a high-probability event. When her studies continued to decline, and she was afraid of her parents\’ anger, she began to forge transcripts to make her parents feel that everything was still on track. These parents don\’t care what their children really need? Happy or not? Under the strong projection psychology, they will not be anxious until they see their children\’s performance is stable. When Jennifer lied about being admitted to Ryerson University (no school actually accepted her), her parents were disappointed because they wanted their child to attend the University of Toronto. They asked Jennifer to continue working hard, and Jennifer was not allowed to put on makeup, go out with friends (in their eyes, Jennifer did not have many progressive friends), attend parties, and take all interest classes except professional classes. . . Jennifer felt suffocated by being completely controlled. Although she longed for an independent life, she lacked the courage to leave the family. At this time, their parent-child relationship has been broken. She has no feelings for her parents but only resentment. As time goes by, her heart becomes more and more divided. She began to feel that \”she would live better without her parents.\” One day, her parents discovered that Jennifer was in love. they are angryWhat followed was intensified control: confiscating her mobile phone and computer, prohibiting contact with her boyfriend, checking her chat history, tracking the mileage of the car, and completely monitoring Jennifer\’s life. In the end, Jennifer chose to hire a murderer to kill. In 2015, she was sentenced to life imprisonment, and her brother suffered from depression (with this kind of family education, the situation of the child can be imagined) and stayed away from home. Only my father is left in this family, and he is staying with relatives. He regretted it and was in pain. Perhaps this case is a bit extreme, but it is also thought-provoking: Who is the culprit behind this tragedy? The original source may be that terrible desire for control. 02Control=Love? Hellinger, a German psychotherapy master, said: \”Happy families all have one thing in common: there are no very controlling people in the family. Many parents who cannot control their anxiety calm their own anxiety by controlling their children. This is a real Meaningful hurt, but too many people give it the name of love. There is a TV series called \”Little Joy\”, which resonates with many people because of its realistic content. In the TV series, single mother Song Qian (Tao Hong\’s acting is explosive) and The relationship between her daughter Qiao Yingzi fully reflects the harm of control. Song Qian is a very controlling mother. She does not let Yingzi play and focuses on studying. From diet, daily life to studying for exams, she does nothing. Control of all sizes. Yingzi was forced to take medicated meals, eat raw sea cucumbers, and even installed a large glass window in the child\’s bedroom (the curtains were installed outside) so that she could check at any time. All extracurricular activities were prohibited, just like guarding prisoners, tightly Controlling the child\’s behavior. Yingzi wanted to apply for Nanjing University, but she asked her child to sprint to Tsinghua and Peking University according to her own ideas. When Yingzi was about to jump into the sea to commit suicide, she yelled at her hysterically: \”I just want to escape from you. ! \”She almost collapsed… After watching the TV series, many netizens left messages: Flying Red Dance Shoes: It\’s so real, I even saw my own shadow. Curry is the MVP: Song Qian is clearly my dad, she cares about everything, that\’s wrong , my dad is much more rude than her. Big-faced Kitty: My mom has been supervising me since I was little, scolding me, maybe she thought the ridicule can motivate me, but it’s not true. She doesn’t care on the surface, but in fact I feel very uncomfortable. Shangshanruoshui: I have been living with my uncle from elementary school to high school. My uncle was very cruel. He often drank too much and beat me and scolded me. This caused me to feel insecure and sensitive to the slightest changes in other people\’s emotions. Even now I feel homeless. Loneliness. white night: I wonder what it feels like for my parents to watch TV? Parents deliberately set goals that cannot be achieved, no matter how you feel. I scored 99 points in the test, and my parents would ask me where the 1 point difference was without watching. How hard did I work to get a score of 99? I always compare myself with other people’s children, so when anyone mentions who you think is like that, I immediately fall out. One time during a meal, I chatted with a few consultant friends, and we all came to a consensus: everyone Behind children with psychological problems, there is often a controlling parent. When they see their children deviating from the normal track, parents become anxious and anxious, but they are unaware of the harm they have caused. Education expert Yin Jianli once said: The first priority of parents is One task is to be intimate with the child, hahaProtect the child\’s growth; the second task is to separate from the child and promote the child\’s independence. I wonder if you, as a parent, have completed these two tasks? 03Whose life? You or child I have received such a case, which is very similar to the mother and daughter in \”Little Joy\”: the mother and her 14-year-old daughter have great conflicts. This mother said: I am a worried mother, and I am mainly responsible for the children at home. I am afraid that she will suffer a loss, that she will take detours, and that she will repeat my mistakes. Therefore, I will try my best to arrange my child\’s life. Tingting was very obedient when she was a child. It doesn\’t work anymore. She says whatever I say to her, and she is very disobedient. I tore up her homework. In fact, I was very sad and felt aggrieved. Teacher Shi, you said we had communication problems, but I feel like I communicated with her from the bottom of my heart. I motioned to the mother to drink water, paused for a moment, and then asked her how she communicated specifically. She said: I told her that day: Why are you still not satisfied when your mother does everything good for you? From the moment I open my eyes every day, I do so many things, how much has my mother sacrificed? I live for you, why are you still not satisfied, don’t even want to go home, can’t even sit down and talk to me properly? I said: What you said is not like communication, but more like a kind of moral oppression and control. Of course, I can only say the above from my heart. In fact, this is what I say: It makes you sad that your child cannot listen to you. So do you consider yourself a good listening mother? The mother said: I listened. What she said is unrealistic and affects learning. If he really did as she said, wouldn\’t it be harmful to the child? I said: If she has expressed her thoughts and you always judge it based on your own values, then she will naturally not want to talk to you. Because it’s useless to say it. Many parents regard their children as careers, and their children’s future is their own future. Most of them have a strong desire to control. What kind of friends to make, what kind of university to study, what kind of major to study, what kind of partner to find, in short, I know what I know, and you have to move forward along the track I designed, I am doing it for your own good! You live your life for your children, but what about the children? What does he live for? 04 Control your behavior and relieve my anxiety. When parents see that their children’s growth deviates from expectations, their anxiety is like a bursting tide. Anxiety is a normal thing, because it is just a human emotion that everyone can have. As adults, we should learn to take responsibility for our emotions. However, many parents reach out to their children when they are suffering. This is actually a kind of violation. They control the behavior of others to relieve their own inner anxiety. There is no denying that children need education from their parents from birth to adulthood. This kind of education is more like a kind of guidance and restraint. However, many parents abuse their power and replace \”guidance and restraint\” with \”deprivation of will\”, and the educational goal is also changed from \”children\’s healthy growth\” to \”grow into the child I want.\” Some parents may say: This is not a contradiction. Isn’t it healthy to grow into the child I want? Can I still harm him? I\’m afraid what you want may not really be what he wants. Whether a child feels healthy and happy in his heart should be his own decision. When the child is obedient and does as asked, the parents feel at ease., the anxiety about the child’s future can be temporarily put to an end. But children will slowly close the door to communication. The parents outside the door are anxious, and the children inside the door live a barren and lonely childhood, and will feel that life is suffocating as adults. Psychologist Li Xue said: A body can only bear one soul. If the parents\’ control is airtight, the child will actually be mentally dead. Parents need to control their desire for control (it’s a bit tricky). This is easier said than done. Wu Zhihong said: It is not easy for control freaks to reflect on themselves, because there are often many unreasonable things in the process of forcing others, and they themselves know this very well, so they do not want to look back. It\’s hard, but it means a lot. Your child should have his own life, and you should have your own life too. Why do you have to tie them together? As soon as he was released, he rescued two people and even saved a family. Whenever parents want to make repeated demands on their children, first ask themselves: Is my behavior out of fear and uneasiness, or is it really beneficial to the child\’s physical and mental development? If it\’s the former, you might as well give the child the right to grow up. Let him be himself and give his personality space to continue to enrich. This is far more important than satisfying our desire for control!