• Sat. Dec 9th, 2023

What will happen to the children of parents who can only be reasonable?


Oct 1, 2023

I have lost count of how many times I have found a cell phone from my son’s bed. I took my cell phone and angrily asked my son: \”Why can you never remember what I said? How on earth can you understand that your most important task now is to study! Only by doing a good job in your studies can you have the freedom to play in the future. Qualifications for mobile phones…\” My son lazily opened his eyes, glanced at me impatiently, covered his head with a quilt, and continued to sleep. I lifted my son\’s quilt and forced him to continue listening to my nagging, waiting for him to give me a satisfactory answer like before, even if it was just perfunctory. However, this time my son refused to even deal with it. He threw the quilt at my feet, stared at me and shouted loudly: \”Have you said enough? Why do you think you are right? Why should I listen to you…\” Seeing my son\’s hysterical appearance, I was petrified on the spot. However, what makes me even more unbelievable is that my son did not go to school the next day. No matter how much I urged outside the door or how hard I tried to persuade him, my son kept the door tightly closed. In this way, my son and I started the first cold war in history. And during this unbearable silent time, I repeatedly thought about what went wrong that made him hate me so much, or maybe this \”hate\” had been going on for many years… until by chance, I never I heard this sentence in teacher Wu Zhihong’s lecture: “The most ineffective effort in the world is to talk truth to children from the bottom of your heart. The more truth you tell, the more disgusted the children will be and the less willing they are to communicate with you.” I Only then did I realize: It turned out that it was my \”good words and criticisms\” that aroused pride and raised my son to death. It turns out that parents who can only reason with their children will never raise promising children. Must-read parenting books for parents recommend the most beautiful education and the simplest books to download in pdf. Reasoning to children is the most useless way to educate them. In fact, I should have discovered long ago: \”reasoning\” with children is the most useless education. For example, when our children were young, we often told them: being picky about food is not good for your health; eating too much ice cream can cause gastrointestinal discomfort; eating too much sugar can lead to tooth decay… We really care about our children, but they You can still do whatever you want. When our children grow up, we chatter endlessly to them about life, about gains and losses, about the importance of study and hard work… But what’s the result? The more you talk, the more disobedient your children tend to be. We blame children for being difficult to manage and rebellious, but we are actually blaming them wrongly. I once saw a very interesting video: a two or three-year-old girl was noisy at home, and her father said to the girl in a good voice: Please keep quiet. The girl not only refused to listen, but also angrily said to her father: \”If you think I\’m noisy, that means you don\’t love me anymore!\” The girl\’s logic made her father dumbfounded. At the same time, it also once again verified the research results of Harvard University MD Daniel Siegel and brain scientist Tina Payne Bryson: \”The reason why children cannot listen to the truth is that the way parents raise their children is not in line with brain development. Laws.\” Our brain is divided into two layers, the upper layer is the rational brain, and the lower layer is the emotional brain. The development pattern of children is that they go down first and then up. That isThat is to say, for young children whose brains have not yet fully developed, the children may not understand the principles we explain at all. In addition, there is also an \”overlimit effect\” in psychology: \”refers to a psychological phenomenon in which stimulation is too much, too strong, or acts for too long, causing extreme psychological impatience or rebelliousness.\” \”Metamorphosis Meter\” Zheng Zihao likes playing computer games very much. His father, who is a lawyer, couldn\’t stand it. Whenever he got the opportunity, he would talk to Zheng Zihao about all kinds of truths: \”Do you know that playing games is wrong?\” \”You will become addicted if you play games like this, just like It\’s like smoking opium, playing with things makes you lose your mind.\” \”You have to study hard. Only when you study well can you do something for entertainment.\” Zheng Zihao seemed to have turned on the automatic blocking mode. Not only did he turn a deaf ear to his father\’s truth, Instead, he became more obsessed with games. The former Soviet educator Suhomlinsky once said: \”For any educational phenomenon, the less children feel the educator\’s intention, the greater the educational effect will be.\” Put words into the hearts of children , education can be truly effective. It is difficult for children to recognize it from the bottom of their hearts by preaching to them in a condescending manner. If a child does not recognize the truth of his or her parents, no matter how much their parents talk about it and how much they talk about it, it will be ineffective. Sometimes being reasonable is also a kind of verbal violence. Maybe it’s the parents’ “desire for control” that’s at work. Many times, the more my son refuses to listen, the more I keep trying to reason with him. I firmly believe that as long as you keep talking, there will be a day when you \”nod your head\”. But the fact is: sometimes, being reasonable is also a kind of verbal violence. I remember one time, my son and I watched the variety show \”All the Way to Adulthood\”. In the program, \”Secretary Dakang\” Wu Gang cares very much about his son Yangyang. He requires Yangyang to call and report every incident, big or small. He also always plays the dual role of \”father\” and \”senior\” in the show, guiding Yangyang on how to perform roles, how to get along with others, and how to guard against arrogance and impatience. In the second episode of the show, he quit the show because he was going to film. Before leaving, he kept telling Yangyang: \”Whenever you do anything, consider the worst-case scenario. You must learn to persevere and be patient. If others need help, lend a hand. You must have team spirit…\” Yang Although Yang nodded while listening, his expression became increasingly impatient. Seeing this, my son suddenly stared at me and said, \”Mom, when you keep trying to reason with me, my heart is as painful as Yang Yang.\” At that time, I didn\’t understand why my son said that, but now I understand . As a psychology teacher said: \”Parents\’ nagging seems to be concern, but it is actually a kind of chronic psychological torture.\” Because parents\’ endless nagging is, to some extent, a kind of distrust and An accusatory expression. This will bring a lot of psychological pressure to the child, trigger negative emotions in the child, and damage and destroy the child\’s self-esteem and self-confidence. I once saw a netizen confiding: \”Growing up, no matter how big or small, my mother has been nagging me. The more I hide, the more severe my mother\’s accusations are. The more I confront my mother, the more serious my mother\’s punishments are. All day long. Living with anger, depression, and low self-esteem, now I no longer know what the joy of learning is.I don’t know what the meaning of life is, but I don’t know what the joy of living is! \”The harm caused to children by parents\’ endless nagging and preaching is tantamount to the harm caused by verbal violence such as hitting and belittling. There is a particularly good saying in positive discipline: \”Only when children feel better, they will Only then can we do better. \”Only when parents put aside their superior preaching and give their children respect and recognition, can children gain confidence and become better and better.\” There is a sentence in the book \”Don\’t wait until your children grow up to regret that you have done too much now\” The words are particularly heartbreaking: “Children’s problems are closely related to their parents’ performance. \”If the child is wrong, there must be something wrong with the parents\’ education methods. Therefore, after raising my son, I decided to change my approach to raising children. 1. Replace reasoning with experience. I have read this sentence: \”Experience and comparison are the best. A good teacher, there are so many things that you will never understand if you have not experienced them. \”This sentence also applies to children. A teenage boy in Hangzhou was obsessed with games and didn\’t want to go to school. His father tried to reason with him, but he didn\’t listen. Then, his father made a surprising decision: taking a My son went to visit the vegetable market at 4 o\’clock in the morning, and saw the vegetable farmers who wanted to sleep but couldn\’t; looked at the vendors who were working hard to make money and live; and saw how cruel and difficult the adult world was; and then Think about what his parents have paid behind his comfortable life. As a result, the boy not only realized his mistakes, felt the cruelty of life and the hardships of his parents, but also understood why he must study hard. I also learned from this A father in Hangzhou took his son to see the young people on the factory assembly line, took his son to see the office buildings at two o\’clock in the morning, and took his son to experience how much money he could make moving bricks and picking up bottles for a day. The result was as I expected, and my son took the initiative I handed in my mobile phone and made up my mind to study hard. Montessori said: \”When I heard it, I forgot it; when I saw it, I remembered it; when I did it, I understood it. \”Educating children is a process that allows children to slowly understand. It is difficult for children to get into the hearts of children with empty theories. Only by allowing children to feel it in personal experience can children truly understand and understand some truths. 2. Use it to retreat. My son especially likes to play games. No matter I persuade him earnestly, yell at him, scold him, or forcefully unplug the Internet cable at home, my son will not listen. Sometimes, he will even treat me like an enemy. Fighting. It wasn’t until I accidentally saw a video of Olympic champion Deng Yaping that I discovered: Rather than confronting children head-on, it is better to retreat. Deng Yaping’s son was also very obsessed with games for a while. Deng Yaping did not blame him or force him Quit gaming, but gently tell him: \”If you really like playing games, you can go into e-sports. \”After that, Deng Yaping took her son to visit two top e-sports clubs to let his son understand their routines and see how they train. As a result, when his son heard that e-sports requires training for 12 hours a day, he immediately gave up. Psychologist Adler said: \”Confronting children will only lead to failure. You can never defeat children, let alone cultivate their cooperation through confrontation.Spirit. \”If we want children to be willing to cooperate with us, \”retreating in order to advance\” is the best way. Because standing on the opposite side of the child and forcefully reasoning with the child will arouse the child\’s rebellious emotions and make the child move towards Reverse development. But conveying our support, respect, acceptance and recognition to children, giving them opportunities to try and make mistakes, and letting them learn to grow themselves will be more effective than any advice and help. 3. Use humor instead of harsh preaching abroad There is a particularly popular video. A 14-year-old daughter wanted to wear short shorts to school. In order to stop her, the father specially put on a pair of short shorts to demonstrate to his daughter: \”Take out your shorts and see how short they are?\” Compete to see whose one is shorter! \”If you wear these to school now, I will wear these pants to pick you up from school every day.\” \”Dad\’s funny look made his daughter laugh crookedly, and at the same time it perfectly resolved a conflict between father and daughter. Looking back on my son and I, we argued like tit-for-tat and criticized as if we were holding a denouncement meeting. \”Sacred and inviolable\” Order, I have to admit: \”Humor is the best way to relieve hostility. \”Because humorous communication allows children to see their parents\’ sincerity, and allows them to automatically eliminate hostility in a relaxed and pleasant atmosphere, and easily accept their parents\’ suggestions. For children, love as gentle as the spring breeze is the key to success. The most powerful education. There is this passage in \”New Chinese Parenting\” that is worth pondering for every parent: \”There are two types of parents in this world. One type is \”resting on their laurels\” parents, who use a set of education methods they have received in the past to educate their children. If their children do not perform well, they usually only think that there is no problem with traditional education, but that the problem is with the child. One type is \’learning\’ parents. They will explore educational methods that keep pace with the times. If their children do not perform well, they will reflect on it and find better ways to educate their children. \”Raising children is a practice. We may not be perfect parents, but we can be growth-oriented parents. As long as we are willing to reflect on our mistakes, are willing to change from now on, and are willing to put aside our understanding, respect and recognition of our children. Based on the authority of our parents, we will surely be able to raise a child who has love in his heart, light in his eyes, and lives up to our expectations.

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