• Sat. Dec 9th, 2023

Why do children lose their temper? There are hidden secrets behind them.

As parents, especially when our children are young, we have to face our children\’s emotions almost every day. How to deal with this angry little guy in front of you? Once, I saw a mother throw her child who was having a tantrum into the bushes by the roadside, and threatened to abandon the child if he continued to lose his temper. If you ask her, \”Do you love this child?\” \”Yes! I am willing to give my life for him!\” This will definitely be the answer. \”But why don\’t you want to let him lose his temper?\” \”A child\’s tantrum is irritating and uncontrollable!\” As a result, the child burst into tears, which was heartbreaking. When the temper comes, there are too many parents who don\’t care, and they are really capable of taking action. Regardless of whether he is a biological child or not, it is of no use at this time anyway. Another way is to turn a deaf ear to the child who is having a tantrum, let him turn off the flames automatically, and give him a cold treatment. The method may seem gentle, but in fact, for the child and himself, the problem is still there and has not been solved. It will be the same next time, a vicious cycle. In fact, there are reasons why children lose their temper. And can you really be patient enough to listen and find the reason? Face those tantrum moments with your child. As long as parents\’ thinking patterns change slightly and they view their children\’s stubbornness and crying from an empathic perspective, their mentality will change greatly. I took the subway once. I met a father and son, the child should be only three or four years old. When we first got on the bus, the child sat beside his father and asked curious questions. He was very happy. Dad also patiently gave him answers. But not long after, the child began to want to stand up and play. Dad stopped him from doing that because he couldn\’t stand firmly in the carriage. After finishing speaking, Dad started looking at the phone again. The children asked questions but did not answer them seriously. Instead, he told the child: \”Stop talking and keep quiet in the carriage!\” The child sat there obediently, maybe because he was too bored. After a while, he said again, \”Dad, I\’m getting off the bus!\” \”We haven\’t arrived yet, please wait!\” \”No! No!\” The child was already impatient. At this time, his father put down his mobile phone and held him in his arms. I whispered to him, but unexpectedly the little guy became quiet again. But not long after, he said again: \”Dad, I miss grandma!\” \”Grandma has gone back to her hometown.\” When he heard his father say this, he became unhappy again. But his father was not happy at this time. \”You kid, why do you always lose your temper?\” He burst into tears when his father criticized him. In fact, from beginning to end, the child has been thinking of ways to attract his father\’s attention. As long as dad talks to him instead of looking at his phone, he won\’t be so anxious. But the father never thought about the needs of his children. He thinks that taking a car is just a car, and it is just fine to be quiet. Grandma has returned to her hometown, but she can’t see her. What do children need? It is definitely not about getting scolded and punished by parents after making a big fuss. Their tantrums often secretly cry out for love. They long to establish a connection with their parents, get their parents\’ attention, and expect their parents to understand their needs. If you catch it, the child will happily cooperate. And if you ignore it indifferently, it will only make him work harder (and maybe cry harder). What should we do when faced with children who often have tantrums? 1. Create for childrenCreate an emotionally stable surrounding environment. In a family where parents quarrel all year round, it is difficult for children to develop emotionally stably. For example, a child is doing homework in the study room, and suddenly there is a sound of beating and scolding coming from the living room. Can he finish his homework with peace of mind? Or if a child does something wrong, he doesn\’t dare to say anything at all, and can only wait in fear. As a result, the parents yell at him when they meet, making him tremble in fear. Because children will inadvertently imitate their parents, including all good and bad behaviors. It can be said that the quality of a child\’s temper is closely related to his parents. Just like soil and flowers. Poor soil cannot grow good flowers. Children need an environment where they can relax, express themselves freely, and make mistakes. Able to explore and think carefully and feel the rules. 2. Help children understand emotions. Parents need to help their children learn to describe their feelings and express their true needs. You can ask your child, what would you do if you are angry? Last time I asked Xiao Xiaoyu this question. He told me, \”Maybe I will cry because it makes me feel better. Maybe I will tell the teacher that someone made me angry.\” \”Then will you hit someone?\” \”I don\’t hit people because that\’s what I do. No.\” This was a conversation we had after reading \”Jerry\’s Calm Space\” with him. He also said that he would build his own calm space called Dinosaur Paradise. Whenever I get angry, I think of Dinosaur Park. \”Yes, thinking about happy things will always make us less angry.\” So, in addition to some usual guidance and practice. To help children understand emotions, parent-child reading is a better way. Use books to let children understand emotional language. Moreover, stories are often microcosms of the real world. Children can identify different emotions from stories and understand how people deal with different emotions such as anger, fear, happiness, and sadness. 3. Let children express their feelings by \”talking\”. When Xiao Xiaoyu loses his temper, I always remind him, \”Tell your dad how you feel.\” Sometimes he will stay silent. So I couldn\’t find the reason for a while. When angry, children will choose to fight, so they usually shut up. The best thing is to be able to express your feelings before you get angry. Maybe it\’s just, \”I don\’t like it when you put my dinosaur toy in the box.\” Because he arranged for the dinosaur to stand guard there. Therefore, to allow children to express their emotions, we need to exercise their expression skills as early as possible. Let them know some emotional language. For example, \”I\’m very angry\”, \”I\’m a little unhappy\”, \”I\’m happy now\”, \”You make me uncomfortable\”, \”I\’m going to lose my temper!\”… When children find that language can help them express their emotions. They will also happily use them to praise others, \”Auntie, you are so beautiful\”, \”I like this brother\”, \”I feel great!\” Such exercises, in addition to insisting on parent-child reading every day. You can also consciously ask your children to describe some objects and events. Even if you take a baby under one year old out, you can point to everything in nature and explain it to him. For example, clouds, trees, grass, houses, cars, etc., they like to hear them very much. And when you do something, you can also explain the actions to your children. For example, raise your little handsGao, stretch your little feet over. Touch your little face and put on this little blue vest… When the child\’s language expression is enhanced, there will be one more channel for emotional expression. For older children, they already have the ability to speak. But they are often reluctant to speak out. The key depends on whether the family environment allows them to express it and whether they are willing to express it. This is worthy of reflection by parents. In fact, children who lose their temper are calling for love and need more love! Don\’t think that children who lose their temper are bad, but children who never lose their temper are \”good\” children. There is a kind of child who is willing to sacrifice his true self and give up his own feelings for the sake of adult satisfaction. You can only bury your desires and feelings inside. Such children look quiet and sensible, but in fact they have no self-confidence inside, often cannot find themselves, and are prone to psychological problems. For example, if emotions are held in the heart for a long time, children become depressed. Some psychological research points out that children who are excessively depressed and lackluster have a greater chance of suffering from depression as adults. Children\’s emotions, especially bad emotions, need to be accepted by their parents. The self full of shortcomings needs the respect and love of my parents even more. In the management of emotions, the parent-child relationship will continue to change. Effective emotion management is beneficial for both children and parents themselves. No matter what, parents must first cultivate their temper, because your calm and firm attitude is the key. When you can maintain your principles calmly and firmly without being manipulated by your temper. Children will be more willing to approach you, listen to you, and talk to you.

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