After having a child, you can’t “lose” yourself even more

A few days ago, a mother left a message saying that her son asked her when he came back from kindergarten, \”Mom, why don\’t you go to work? You are at home every day. You are not as good as Xuanxuan\’s mother.\” She said that she heard her son\’s question at that time. , my mind went blank and I didn’t know how to answer. After her son was born, she quit her job in order to take care of her son. She worked hard to take care of herself when she returned home, gave up on body shape management, gave up on her external image, and became an ordinary stay-at-home mother. The mother Xuanxuan in the children\’s mouth is actually a celebrity mother who is loved by the children in the class. Of course, the child doesn\’t know the mother\’s hard work, nor does she know that this seemingly casual question will hit her mother\’s sensitive heart. I understand this mother\’s feelings very well. Because my son has asked me this question before. \”Dad, why didn\’t you go to work?\” I told him very seriously at that time: \”Dad also has a very important job to do, but he doesn\’t go outside, but does it at home. For example, I have to take care of you, and I have to do it every day. I’ll eat and play with you, right? Look at what other jobs dad has. Think about it.” “You still have to read books and write many, many articles, right?” “You also have to distribute books to other children.” …Children have actually been quietly paying attention to their parents. I still remember one time, a friend came to my house to play. Chat after tea and dinner. My friend said that I have gained weight again and I should be more comfortable at home. I jokingly said that now that I have a wife and children, it would be okay to gain some weight. My son heard it from the sidelines. He immediately said to me: \”Dad, if you want to lose weight, you can\’t be too fat.\” \”Look, today\’s children know how to take it seriously.\” My friend laughed. \”Okay, daddy, I have to keep exercising, stop eating and drinking, and lose weight. You urge me.\” When you have a child, you can\’t lose yourself, you have to be a better version of yourself. Smart parents give their children close love and respect their own boundaries and their children\’s space. This does not mean building a wall between yourself and your children. Instead, draw a boundary so that the child can have his own space to grow. And I also have a space to be myself. When a woman becomes a mother, a huge change occurs inside her. Psychologist Winnicott once pointed out that many mothers are prone to two maternal disorders. At one extreme is a mother whose egoism is too strong to form a \”primordial maternal focus\” on her child. At the other extreme is the mother who gives her full attention to any situation and even lends her own self to the child. The former lack often causes children to have psychological problems due to lack of maternal love. The latter effect is more subtle, because it looks beautiful and is often not easily noticed. Such mothers often feel that they live for their children. But unknowingly, you will lose your own space, and at the same time deprive your children of their space. Because she tied her \”inner child\” to her own children. Therefore, all decisions will be made for the child, ignoring the child\’s real needs. American female psychologist Patrice Evans gave an example in her book \”Don\’t Use Love to Control Me\”. A mother took her daughter to an ice cream shop. The mother asked her daughter: \”What ice cream do you want to eat?\” The daughter said: \”Vanilla ice cream.\” The mother said: \”Chocolate ice cream.\”The ice cream is more delicious. The daughter said, \”I want to eat vanilla ice cream.\” Mom said: \”Don\’t you love chocolate ice cream?\” The daughter said, \”I want vanilla ice cream.\” \”My mother finally said: \”How strange! This kid is so weird! \”In the end, the mother bought vanilla ice cream for the child. The girl stood her ground. But the mother always felt that the child was not sensible. If he were such a sensible child, would he be happy? There are many sensible children around us. Parents make decisions for him without even asking. And such a child eventually becomes cowardly, whose fault is it? Many parents understand that they cannot control their children, so they tell themselves: respect the child\’s personality development. Try to Comply with the child, satisfy the child, and give the child freedom and love. But the result is that the child becomes less and less considerate of other people\’s feelings, and even unreasonable. At this time, parents will wonder whether they have given too much freedom? At this time You can first reflect on this: \”Am I able to clearly perceive and express my feelings? \”Do I have any sense of boundaries?\” \”Can I respect my boundaries?\” \”Please don\’t fall into the sweet \”trap\” and let your children invade your space. Driven by the inner \”sense of belonging\”, every child will continue to get the attention of their parents. For example, before, I was writing in the study room. My son soon became He came to you and said that he wanted to help break the blocks apart. In fact, he could do it by himself. But I still patiently broke it open for him. After a while, he ran over and said, \”I want to go to the toilet.\” \”Go ahead, you can go by yourself.\” \”But I can\’t turn on the light.\” \”Then I turned on the light for him again. After a few minutes of silence, he asked me to play with him again. I said wait until I finish my work. Then he stood unhappily. I had to put down my work and play with him. He played around first. During the whole process, were you very patient and always taking into account the needs of the child? But is this good? Later, I objectively analyzed these situations. I felt that the child was seeking \”excessive attention\”. If there is no guidance, it will definitely It will make him form the psychological feeling of \”I only exist if you pay attention to me; if you are busy, forget about me.\” So I began to tell the child clearly: Whatever he can do, he must do it by himself. So when he holds those things again When he comes to me with a task that he can complete, I ask him to find a way to solve it first. If he can\’t think of a way, then wait until I finish my own things and then we can find a way together. I started to say \”I\”. Things became much easier after that. When I was reading, he would do his own thing and no longer pester me about what to do. When I was resting, he would also take the initiative to close the door for me and then play with himself. toys. If there is nothing urgent and something he can\’t finish, he will never come to me again. I didn\’t think about controlling him, and he didn\’t think about being attached to me. Slowly, his ability to handle things continued to grow. The \”I\” in his heart has also become stronger. In this way, he will no longer gain attention from adults through annoying or cute behaviors. When you have children, please be sure to work hard to be happy and don\’t become a resentful mother. Remember to read Let’s tell a story. There was a mother who loved her husband when her child was just 10 years old. She fell seriously ill and passed away. At that time, she wanted to follow him wholeheartedly.After her husband left, she was depressed all day long, and her children were left with the old man. See her like this. A friend wrote her a letter, and there was a passage in it that encouraged her to come out of the shadows. \”You shed tears all day long, missing your husband who loves you deeply. But the tears you shed have also flowed into your daughter\’s heart. You must know that your current attitude and emotions are the color of your daughter\’s teenage years , it is her life heritage that has influenced her life. You have to cheer up, start over, and make yourself happy.\” In the end, she started working again, and she even did better than before. I raised my eldest child alone, and later my daughter became a particularly sunny and happy mother. Facing the misery and misfortune of life. Don’t think that your children won’t know if you hide it in your heart. In fact, children’s sensitive hearts can feel it. Whether you are a stay-at-home mom or a working mom. When accompanying your children, you must have your own interests, hobbies, and pursuits. Don’t let your children take over everything. Set your own boundaries and strive to be a better version of yourself. Because when you respect your own boundaries, your children will learn to respect them too. The child will also learn to be independent and be himself. Every parent wants their children to be happy. But when your children ask you what happiness is, do you have an answer? Only when you live a happy life will your children know what happiness is. Instead of using anxiety to tell your children, you want to be happy.