Behind every mediocre child, there are incompetent parents

I slowly and slowly understood that the so-called relationship between father, daughter and mother only means that your fate with him is to watch his back drift away in this life. You stand at this end of the path and watch him gradually disappear at the corner of the path. Moreover, his back silently tells you: there is no need to chase him. ——Guoguanjunpin In the early morning of November 26, 2009, in the graduate dormitory of Shanghai Maritime University: She connected a towel and a pillow towel together, hung one end on the faucet, put the other end around her neck, and then squatted on the ground , ended his life in a horrifyingly painful way. Her name is Yang Yuanyuan, she is a graduate student, she is in her thirties, young and beautiful. What kind of experience made her so determined? Yang Yuanyuan has been living in his mother\’s will since he was a child. When he was applying for the college entrance examination, Yang Yuanyuan wanted to study maritime law at Dalian Maritime University, but his mother refused! The reason is that universities in Wuhan can save some travel expenses. After graduation, she was admitted twice to civil servants in small cities in other provinces, but her mother refused! The reason is the distance. Later, she was admitted to Shanghai Maritime University as a graduate student. However, since Yang Yuanyuan was a junior in college, Yang\’s mother moved in with her. The two slept in the same bed until they were graduate students. It was not that their life was unsustainable. , it’s not that life is difficult to take care of, it’s just that I want to see the realization of my dream with Yang Yuanyuan. Yang Yuanyuan’s counselor recalled: “Every time she followed her mother silently and listened to her mother’s words.” Perhaps we can get a glimpse of her heart from her letter to her brother: “Don’t listen to your mother in the future… \”The day before her suicide, when Yang Yuanyuan was chatting with her mother, she reviewed her life in detail and said to her mother, \”If you had supported me in applying for Dalian Maritime University, everything would be fine now.\” Maybe none of us want to He admits that it was Mother Yang’s education methods that drove her daughter to death. The death of Yang Yuanyuan is not so much a social tragedy as it is a family tragedy, a tragedy about growth. In psychology, such parents are called \”controlling parents\”: from the time their children are born, they regard their children as their own accessories, put forward many demands and restrictions on their children, expect absolute obedience, and do not explain; the children can do It is to play happily in the script designed by the parents. Once it goes out of line, it will be scolded or punished. Just like the depiction in the movie \”Men, Women and Children\”: when the daughter grows up, she likes to shut herself in her room. However, for her mother, it was intolerable. On the surface, it seems that he is worried that his daughter will associate with \”bad elements\”. But deep down, it was unbearable for her daughter to be far away from her control. As a result, the mother began a series of countermeasures: checking her daughter\’s email, mobile phone, Facebook, chat software, etc., then confiscating her daughter\’s mobile phone, canceling her pocket money, and using her daughter\’s identity to sever her relationship with her boyfriend… ····For many people, this scene is not unfamiliar. A typical psychological characteristic of controlling parents is that they cannot tolerate their children leaving their control. Children never seem to grow up, and they need their own guidance for every move they make. The most common tactic used by such parents is, use rewards and punishments to shape children\’s growth. In essence, it is controlling the child\’s life trajectory in the name of love. However, we rarely reflect on how lethal such scolding and control can be. In such an environment, children\’s will is suppressed and becomes the product of their parents\’ will. They lack independent opinions on things and are easily influenced by others. Children\’s self-esteem can easily be frustrated, and they can easily become suspicious or even hostile to people around them. In adulthood, interpersonal and intimate relationships are very likely to have problems. Yang Yuanyuan is a typical victim. After graduating from high school, she tried to leave her mother and go to Dalian to study maritime law. If Mother Yang could bear the pain and let go at this time and encourage her children to become independent, perhaps there would be no tragedy later. Perhaps deep in Yang Yuanyuan\’s heart: on the one hand, he longs to get rid of his mother\’s control and move towards independence and distance; on the other hand, he feels that he should not leave his parents, and even does not accept his own independence. In pain and suffering, he finally died. Many times, it is the parents who need to grow up. As Montessori said: Every child has a spiritual embryo, and babies are not blank slates. Parents are not the answer to their children. Good children are not what you teach them, but what they grow up to be. At this point, the example of a father may be used for reference. He is a successful entrepreneur, but he does not want his children to follow in his footsteps. For him, the ability of his children to think and live independently is the most important thing. . He has two children. When the children were eight or nine years old, he allowed them to participate in the company\’s board of directors and let them express their opinions on certain issues, whether mature or not. Later, both children went to Stanford University with honors. After graduation, they told their father that they wanted to work in his company and have a career. The father refused! He said to the two brothers: \”My company doesn\’t need you! It\’s better for you to go out and make a fortune on your own, and let practice prove whether you are qualified to work in my company.\” So, the two children went to Canada, one engaged in real estate development, and the other Went to investment banking. With their independence and perseverance developed since childhood, they overcame unimaginable difficulties, managed their companies and banks successfully, and became outstanding figures in the Canadian business community. One of these two children is named Li Zekai and the other is named Li Zeju. And their father is Li Ka-shing. Good parents often know how to let go. The responsibility of parents is to provide a safe environment for their children with love, but as for how to explore the world, that is the child\’s freedom. For children, only when their parents let go can they learn true independence and understand the hardships and difficulties of life. As a parent, the best posture is to watch their growth trajectory from a distance. Just like Long Yingtai said: \”I slowly and slowly understood that the so-called father-daughter and mother-son relationship just means that your fate with him is to watch his back drift away in this life. . You stand at this end of the path and watch him gradually disappear at the corner of the path, and he silently tells you with his back: No need to chase.\” Yes, you don\’t have to chase.